“She walked away because I wouldn’t commit to her. Is there a way that I can overcome my fear and get her back?”
While some dream of finding the love of their life and being with that one person for the rest of their days, others have a hard time committing to anyone. To them, the word commitment strikes fear into their hearts and the idea of settling down is terrifying.
And maybe you’re one of those guys who can’t seem to wrap around his head why he can’t commit to one girl.
Truthfully, you were head over heels for this girl and couldn’t believe how lucky you were to have her in your life. But at the same time, you knew that commitment was always an issue for you as you never had a long-term relationship.
I understand that dating one person and making plans for your future can be a scary thing for many people.
Even if you’re aware of your commitment-phobia, getting over that weird sensation inside that’s telling you to run for the hills can prove to be a challenge. Once you take your dating to the next level, the stakes are suddenly high.
This vulnerability and anxiety can cause irrational behavior such as pushing your beloved partner away from you.
Luckily for you, I’m here to help you overcome your anxiety and help you better understand why you have commitment issues. Also, I’ll give you a few suggestions on how to get back together with your ex-girlfriend and give your love another chance.
Why do I have commitment issues and what to do about it?
It’s true that some people can lead a happy life with no commitments or relationships, but I honestly believe that those one-night stands and hookups are nothing more than a temporary fix. I’m not convinced that anyone can find lifelong happiness living that lifestyle and having no one by their side.
Perhaps you’re happy right now, but looking long-term, you’ll realize how soulless and antisocial you’ve become due to your fear of committing to a woman.
That’s why it’s crucial for you to understand why do you have commitment phobia – because only then can you help yourself and be ready to invest your heart and soul into a romantic relationship.
1. You have unrealistic expectations
For you to become aware of why you have a problem with pursuing a relationship, you need to understand that humans are creatures of habits.
In most cases, we either crave what we can’t have or have a wishlist that’s inspired by a combination of society, Hollywood, and social media.
We tend to blindly follow those rules because we believe that our relationship will be “perfect” with the “perfect” person. And maybe you’re guilty of that too.
The point is that you find yourself dreaming about what a romantic relationship should be and don’t trust yourself or your heart enough to know what is right at that moment.
A checklist can certainly help you realize what you want or don’t want, but you can’t blindly follow those rules and expect to find happiness with another person.
It’s rather difficult to explain what love actually is. You can’t write on a piece of paper some guidelines, follow them, and hope that you’ll find the right one.
You must trust that God has someone special in store for you and that your heart will feel it when you meet her.
So, what’s the solution if she walked away because you wouldn’t commit?
You need to realize that those checklists are for grocery shopping and not people. If you genuinely like someone, then go for it and don’t think about which boxes that person checks.
Commitment doesn’t have to be as daunting as you make it out to be. Many people make the mistake and stay single until they meet someone who fits their criteria.
But if you set unrealistic expectations, it will definitely lead to you developing some commitment issues.
2. You’re telling yourself you’re “too busy” for love
Many people are convinced they have no time for any new commitments since we’re living in a fast-paced world.
Perhaps the reason you are afraid to commit and would rather walk away is that you think you’re too busy to be bothered with taking time to genuinely connect with her.
You’re telling yourself that you can’t focus on anything else besides your career because you’re a career-oriented man who won’t stop at anything to achieve his goals and dreams.
But why do you think that love will prevent you from accomplishing that? Do you really believe that love will get in the way of your happiness rather than contribute to it?
The worst mistake that you can make in regards is to love is to push away a girl and then believe you’ll get her back once you have more time. Because deep down, you probably know that’s not true.
The solution to your problem is to categorize things by priority.
Every smart person does this – that’s why all those successful people have money and love at the same time. They know how to manage their time and they cut out things that bring negativity into their lives.
You can make lists, schedules, or calendars to help you organize your schedule more efficiently. Then you’ll find you have more time than you thought to spend with the people who mean the world to you.
3. You’re letting the past define your future
It’s completely normal for a person to bring some baggage into their new relationship. Everyone does that.
Forgetting about our past relationships and exes can be tough because most of us don’t give ourselves enough time to heal before finally moving on to someone new.
And if you know that you have anxiety and commitment issues, then chances are you probably have some deep-rooted problems or hurt that prevent you from creating a meaningful and strong bond with another girl.
We’re all made up of experiences. And our past plays a significant role in how we handle ourselves in the present or future.
Those life lessons are there to teach you how to become better and overcome your greatest fears.
So, how can you solve this problem?
Well, first don’t believe you’re just wired that way or that chemical imbalance is to blame for you having commitment issues in the first place, because it’s not.
It’s just that you’ve been conditioned to sabotage your own relationships and life choices.
Think of it this way: If you get burned by enough redhead girls, the next redhead who comes your way won’t even get a chance at dating you because subconsciously you created this image that all redhead girls are the same. You’re effectively sabotaging the potential relationship before it can even begin.
I know it’s a silly example, but it’s true.
You can’t dwell on the past and let it predict your future. You have to learn from it and then you need to let it go.
4. You’re waiting for “someone better” to come along
If you’re like most people I’ve met, then you’re probably a competitive man who thinks he can do better. And that’s perfectly okay since competing with others is part of our human nature.
We always strive for something bigger and better, whether that be acquiring more money, a new career path, or a new significant other.
But guess what?
You don’t have to drop one thing in exchange for the other. You can have everything with that special someone.
Think about it, you can travel with her wherever and whenever you want. You can change your lifestyle by pursuing a new career while keeping your relationship alive.
In the end, commitment shouldn’t be treated like a trading card. You may think that there is someone better than the person you’re dating right now, but the same applies to you.
When you think about it, it was her choice to be in a romantic relationship with you. She didn’t think someone better would come along and that she’d leave you for him.
So, don’t be a douche and be afraid to commit to her just because you think you can find someone with a better physique than hers.
5. You feel vulnerable
Everyone is vulnerable from time to time, but that doesn’t mean you should put your life on hold and not give yourself the opportunity to experience love ever again.
Even if you’ve been burned many times, you’re much stronger than you think you are, and with each new experience, you learn more about yourself, how much you can endure, and what you want and don’t want in life.
I know that vulnerability is a part of who you are, but how are you going to know that something is right for you if you don’t even try? You know that scientists are wrong hundreds of times before they get something right.
You can only grow by letting yourself be vulnerable occasionally, so pick your battles. Of course, you can be careful and not let just any woman break your heart.
Still, you should take advantage of opportunities and allow yourself to love again. Even if you end up being wrong about that person, at least you can say that you tried.
6. You feel as if your freedom will be snatched away
I’ve heard men say countless times how they are afraid to commit to a woman and end up walking away because they think they’ll lose their freedom. And it’s true, most men value two things most: their ego and their freedom.
And if you’re one of them, then that may be the reason you’re having commitment issues. Perhaps you like your independence and not having to call or text your girlfriend every five minutes to tell her where you are and with who.
You may think that the girl you’re dating will get needy or clingy as soon as you take it to the next level, but that’s not true at all.
You can erase your problem if you stop complaining about being trapped and focus on making yourself and her happy.
Just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean you can’t hang out with your boys or go play soccer with them.
You can have the best of both worlds if you know how to handle your free time. After all, she wants hers too.
She walked away because I wouldn’t commit. Is there anything else I can do?
1. Determine your fear
If she walked away because you wouldn’t commit to her, then the first step toward overcoming that fear would be to define it and figure out where it comes from.
Ask yourself what you’re afraid of and what scares you the most when it comes to love.
Do you fail to pursue a relationship because you fear getting your heart broken? Or is it because your parents went through a painful divorce and you don’t want to end up like them?
Whatever the case, you need to pinpoint exactly what you’re scared of and deal with why you feel that way if you ever wish to overcome your commitment phobia. When you do that, you can work toward solving the problem.
2. Be bold and take risks
No matter the reason behind your urge to dodge commitment, you have to take a risk. Take chances and believe that it will work this time.
Talk with her and see how she can help you with your issue. You never know what the future holds for you unless you take that leap of faith and commit to her.
The worst thing you could do is lock yourself up and build walls around you so high that no one can climb them. You can’t just sit there and wait until your fears and doubts go away – because that’ll never happen on its own.
On top of that, it’s foolish to believe that you’ll get rid of your fears without letting someone into your life who can show you that being vulnerable is natural and good, and that not every person wants to take you for granted.
3. Live in the present
As I said before, one of the possible reasons you have commitment issues is because you had a bad experience in the past and now you’re allowing it to dictate your present.
If you maintain that mental state, you’ll never experience what it means to be genuinely happy, thus making a breakup inevitable.
Try to live in the now and don’t think about what might happen if you commit to your girl.
4. Try meditating
If she walked away because you wouldn’t commit to her, have you ever thought about trying meditation as a way to overcome your fear of pursuing a relationship? If not, then this is the perfect time to start your new adventure.
Now that she’s no longer there with you, you need to focus on yourself and face your fears. You can’t keep running away in order to calm yourself down. There are other, more productive ways to battle your inner demons.
Meditating helped me a lot, but if it’s not your bag, you can try other things, hobbies, or whatever. Be spontaneous and open to trying new stuff, and don’t reject new opportunities if they present themselves.
5. Avoid putting yourself under pressure
Most likely you’re afraid of the word “forever” when you think about a committed relationship. Whenever you hear that word, it triggers your fight or flight reaction – and by the looks of things, you obviously choose the latter.
If she walked away because you wouldn’t commit, then you need to stop thinking about the future and focus on the present.
You can definitely establish a healthy relationship if you rely on it now and over time, it can help you conquer your fear of commitment.
I wouldn’t commit, so she walked away. Is there a way to get her back?
Now that you’ve become acquainted with the top reasons for commitment phobia and how to deal with it, we can work toward getting you two back together.
As I previously said, identifying your fear is the first step in reaching emotional freedom. And now that you’ve done that, you can take the following steps to get her to be attracted to you again.
1. Get her to forgive you
If she walked away because you wouldn’t commit to her, then you know that just saying you’re sorry won’t do the trick. That she won’t give you another chance just because you gave her an apology, no matter how sincere.
An apology is always welcomed and it feels wonderful to hear it, but that’s where the story ends. After that, she has to know that she can trust you again so that she let down her guard and opens back up to you.
Try to say something like this to her:
“I understand that I’ve disappointed you, and forgiving me is probably the last thing you want to do. I don’t expect you to take me back, but I just want to ask that you find it in yourself to forgive me and my behavior.”
By saying things like this, you’re showing her that you’ve matured, and that you respect her and her decision. She’ll then starts to see the new you, rather than the guy who didn’t want to commit to her.
From that point onwards, every time you two communicate, you need to show her that you can back your words with actions and that you’ve sincerely changed for the better.
2. Never give your commitment in a desperate way
Many guys when they finally realize what they’ve lost and how happy they were with the woman they love, make the mistake and beg her to come back.
They say stuff like “I’ll do anything to prove that I’ll commit to you,” or “I was a fool for not realizing sooner that you’re the most important woman in my life.”
But what those men don’t grasp is that a woman never feels attracted to desperation in men. She doesn’t want a man who’ll beg for her love and give his commitment in desperation.
Instead, what women want – and that includes your woman – is a guy who’ll genuinely accept that he’s made a mistake and put in the effort to show her that he’s a changed man.
When she can see for herself that you’ve improved and aren’t just chasing after her and giving her lip service, you’ll start earning her respect again.
3. Make her feel like she wants to be in a relationship with you again
“She walked away because I wouldn’t commit to her. Should I send her a long text where I say how sorry I am?”
This is one of the most common things that pop into a man’s head when he gets dumped. He tries to convince his ex to give him another chance by getting into a long and heated discussion about their relationship.
Perhaps you’ve told her that you’ll propose to her and that you’re ready to tie the knot, but she doesn’t want to hear it. She knows that you aren’t being genuine and that marrying her is just a desperate act to keep her by your side.
Keep in mind that women have a sixth sense and can tell when you’re not being honest.
So, you need to let her feel attracted to you again by telling her the truth and nothing else. Shift your focus away from your previous mistakes and rather make her feel good when she’s talking to you.
She walked away because you wouldn’t commit to her, but that doesn’t mean she never loved you. That means at one point, she felt attracted to you and respected you.
So, in order to get her back, you need to fan the flame you once shared and reignite the feelings that she had at the beginning of your relationship.
Make her laugh and smile, especially when she’s cold and heartless. Your goal is to make her remember how good it was when you two were together.
Only then will she not be able to stop herself from reconnecting with her feelings and she’ll give your love a second chance.