“My husband doesn’t value me anymore. I feel so helpless, what should I do?”
It’s quite hard to find an answer to this question, especially in this particular situation where we’re talking about a husband. People are much more careful when walking away from a spouse than they are from a boyfriend/girlfriend (as they should).
But that’s exactly why this issue needs to be resolved in a much more delicate manner.
You were in a relationship with him for a while before you got married. You believed that he was the one for you because of the amount of respect he showed. He saw your worth and your value back then – he praised you for the things you brought to the table.
Now it just seems like something out of a movie. He seems to have forgotten your value and is resorting to pettiness to rub in his disrespect.
So how does a woman even react in situations like these? Are you just supposed to turn a blind eye and not say a word? Or should you actually call him out on this to the point where you might end up learning the truth behind his behavior?
Sometimes ignorance is bliss. But you can’t continue being married to a man who devalues you and all you do in your relationship.
If your husband doesn’t value you, you can’t just brush it off as a joke, especially if you know this man so well and he knows you. He knows the sacrifices you’ve made to be with him and he knows what he’s supposed to do in order to show you he appreciates you.
But he obviously doesn’t.
Signs that your husband doesn’t value you
Before we jump into how you can stop this from happening or who to best confront him about this issue, we have to make sure that he indeed doesn’t value you.
This probably sounds awful, but you have to be sure that you’re actually seeing signs he doesn’t value you.
There may be different reasons for his behavior. You might think that it’s this issue, meanwhile, he has something totally different going on.
So has he actually stopped seeing your value or is he just going through a tough time right now? Is there even a way for you to know the answer to this?
If you want to make sure that you’re really facing this problem, there are many things you can look out for. He might be subtle about it, but usually, these signs are all right there. You just have to keep an eye out.
1. He never seems to listen to you
It’s all fun and games until the moment your spouse stops listening to you. You question if he even loves you because if he did, he would give you his undivided attention.
These days, whenever you say something, he just seems to brush you off. Your issues, problems, and feelings appear to not matter to him anymore.
We listen to the people we value the most, so if he doesn’t listen to you, you know something’s up.
This sign is also very easy to spot. When he looks at you when you’re talking about something, it seems like he’s looking right past you.
He’s disassociating when you’re talking and he doesn’t bother to ask questions or reply with any substance.
And if he does, it all seems so rehearsed that you don’t even believe he’s being authentic anymore. It’s just wrong on so many different levels.
You want to believe that he’s listening, but you can see him pay more attention to the TV or his phone than your words.
If you husband doesn’t value you anymore, it doesn’t matter what you have to say.
2. He doesn’t prioritize you anymore
At the beginning of the relationship, you made a promise to each other to always be each other’s biggest priority. You kept that promise, but now it feels like he has other plans.
When you tell him that you need him, he always makes an excuse for not being able to help out.
When you make reservations for dinner, he bails on you, saying that he forgot that he promised the boys they’d watch the game together.
Yes, it’s awful knowing that the one person you love the most obviously doesn’t value your time and effort.
You’re always trying to show him that he’s your top priority in life. You show him that there’s no one more important to you than him.
But he makes it abundantly clear that he doesn’t value you enough to prioritize you. Anything and everything just seems to be more important than you are these days.
When people come over to your house, you always end up arguing afterward because he didn’t give you the time of day. He didn’t even acknowledge your existence.
You’re married to this man and you have the full right to be angry and upset right now.
He should have been the one to always include you in conversations and to stand by your side when someone got a bit too aggressive. But he obviously doesn’t care enough about you to do so.
3. He gives you the silent treatment
The silent treatment is an often-used method to resolve arguments that doesn’t always work. It doesn’t work because you should be communicating things through.
You should want to talk to this person and get rid of the tension so that you can sleep at peace in the same bed together at night.
Your husband doesn’t value you enough to talk to you. He keeps silent about the things that you did wrong or even if he did voice them, it was up to you to figure things out by yourself. This isn’t fair to you at all!
When someone values you enough, they’re prepared to spend hours or even days trying to figure out the best solution to problems. They don’t just brush it aside and pretend like you don’t exist.
For him, it’s easier to be silent and not even try to resolve the issue than it is to actually communicate his feelings.
You can remember all those people who ghosted you in your past – all those “friends” who aren’t a part of your life anymore. Everyone disappeared and you were left to wonder what was going on. They never gave you any closure.
Well, that silent treatment and ghosting is an obvious sign that someone simply doesn’t value you.
4. He pays romantic attention to other women
Depending on your own boundaries, he could be borderline cheating on you. Giving someone else romantic attention means that you have completely stopped thinking of your partner’s feelings.
Your husband doesn’t value you anymore if he does this.
After a while, marriage can seem like a burden, especially if you’re not really doing anything to spice things up every once in a while.
You’re not going on any trips, you’re not trying out new hobbies, and you’re certainly not trying to surprise each other with something sweet.
That’s when you realize that your husband doesn’t value your marriage anymore. That same moment you realize that he doesn’t value you anymore is when he goes out and makes advances on other women.
Either it’s by texting them, making accounts on dating apps, or even arranging meetings with them. It doesn’t matter if it wasn’t physical, this is still just as bad as physically cheating.
And I want you to know that he’s not able to define your own value. He obviously doesn’t respect you enough, so please recognize it for what it is and go with it.
Making advances on other women while you’re married is absolutely disgusting.
5. He’s stopped saying “thank you”
Being appreciative of your partner is the first sign you actually appreciate them. So when you stop thanking them for their efforts, you obviously don’t value them anymore.
This will be most obvious when you make dinner and he doesn’t remember to thank you. Or when you iron his clothes and he takes this effort for granted.
You used to get a kiss from him for these sorts of things. You used to hear words of appreciation for whatever you’d do. But nowadays, he doesn’t seem to value you anymore.
Your husband should value your efforts above everything else. He should be appreciative of everything you’re doing in your marriage.
I know that sometimes it’s not really easy to keep up with everything that’s going on in your life, but you still make time to show him that you care for him. But he doesn’t seem to notice it – or he doesn’t want to.
This man is brushing aside everything you’re doing and looking right past you.
Believe me, once you take all that effort off of the table, he’s going to see just how much you do for him. Until then, he probably won’t see your value.
6. He offers little to no affection
Affection is an extremely important aspect of relationships, even platonic ones. But it’s crucial in a relationship and even more so for a marriage to work out.
You can offer your partner affection in different ways – by cuddling up to them, hugging them, kissing them.
You can also do it by surprising them with little displays of kindness. Like he could prepare a cozy night in for you, with candles, wine, and your favorite movie.
It doesn’t matter what your interpretation of showing affection is, at the end of the day, it’s what keeps the marriage flame burning.
When you realize that your husband doesn’t value you anymore, you’ll also realize just how long it’s been since he’s been affectionate.
At this point, you can either wonder if he’s giving that affection to someone else or if he’s truly just over you and your marriage. He doesn’t necessarily have to divorce you to show you that he doesn’t value or love you anymore.
Seeing the value in someone means that you’re going to put in the effort just to keep them in your life.
You know that you have to work hard to deserve them. So the fact that he doesn’t put in the necessary effort only means that he has already diminished your value.
7. He speaks poorly of you
Everyone has disagreements with their partner. Especially in marriage, when you live together, you see your partner’s biggest flaws. They can irritate you to the point where you’re yelling at each other.
You would never speak poorly of him, though.
However, he doesn’t seem to share the sentiment. He sees your flaws and makes them publicly known. Whenever you’re around friends, he can’t seem to stop putting you down.
In the beginning, they were little remarks that you might have even found funny. But after a while, it just got worse. He wouldn’t stop embarrassing you in front of anyone who would lend him an ear.
When your family comes over, he might even start to insult them as well. Especially if he believes that they’re at fault for some of your beliefs or behaviors.
If this is the case, your husband certainly doesn’t value you. When a person values you, they tell you these things in private.
Just like the time you waited an entire day to tell your husband that it was disgusting of him to expect you to pick up his socks. You did it in private because you respect him and you didn’t want to embarrass him.
8. He ignores your boundaries
Boundaries are created for such an amazing reason: to keep you safe. You set boundaries with people so you don’t have to lose yourself in others and you can take care of yourself as well.
You do so in order to make and keep healthy relationships in your life that don’t drain every part of you.
Your husband doesn’t value you when he ignores your boundaries.
For example, you told him that group settings make you feel uncomfortable. In the beginning, he would respect that and wouldn’t push you, but he continued to nag you about never going out with him and his friends.
Another boundary of yours is that he doesn’t have the right to decide what you can and can’t wear.
When he does make that decision for you, you feel violated and absolutely disrespected. As if you were a child that needed guidance and not a grown, adult woman.
He ignores these boundaries, even though he knows how important all of this is for you. He knows that he can’t just act like this and get away with it.
When someone willfully ignores your boundaries and barges right through them, it’s an outright indication of disrespect.
It’s one of those obvious signs that he doesn’t see your value anymore so he thinks that he can do whatever he pleases.
9. He doesn’t include you when making a decision
We’re always talking about the importance of equality in a relationship. You can’t be with someone who doesn’t see you as an equal.
You can make a decision together about which tasks will be yours and which will be your husband’s, but that only works when both parties respect the agreement.
Lately, you’ve realized that he keeps on making decisions based solely on his opinions and needs. He doesn’t even ask for your take on matters anymore.
For instance, say you decided together to paint the walls in your house white, but he went ahead without you and painted them all red.
I know that this sounds trivial to some people, but it’s clear that your husband doesn’t value you or your opinion on things anymore.
When you’re making decisions in marriage, you have to be ready to make sacrifices and compromises. You can’t just go with the flow and expect your partner to read your mind.
The issue here is that you’ve probably voiced your opinions on things more often than you care to count. You’ve shared all your hopes, dreams, aspirations, and expectations in life with him.
But this man of yours doesn’t respect or value you enough to include you in the decision-making process. His excuse is probably that he’s the man of the house and he needs to be the one in charge.
Absolutely awful mindset, might I add?
What can I do when my husband doesn’t value me?
Your options in this situation aren’t many. You have to be careful how you approach him because he obviously doesn’t respect you if you’ve seen the signs listed above.
So how can you deal with this issue?
1. Talk to him about it
You knew that this one would top the list. Communication, especially healthy and open communication, can change a lot in marriage. You can solve many problems by just communicating without even thinking of getting a divorce yet.
Maybe you’ve already tried talking to him about this, but he didn’t appear interested at all. Instead, he completely ignored you.
Now, make sure that every distraction is out of the way. Sit him down, ask him for a moment of his undivided attention and start telling him everything you’ve been feeling for the past few months.
Tell him exactly what he did, how he did it, and how it made you feel. Just because your husband doesn’t see your value, doesn’t mean that you have to ignore it too. Get it all out in the open.
2. Set clear boundaries
After you’ve had this tough conversation, make sure to set clear boundaries that he has to respect or you’re out of there. Don’t just say this like it’s nothing of importance, you have to mean it.
Beforehand, make sure that you’ve established these boundaries.
Tell him that you don’t want him to insult you at all, especially not in front of your friends. Set other boundaries like that he’s not allowed to chat up other girls because you’re aren’t in that type of marriage.
Whatever makes you feel uncomfortable is where the fun ends and the hurt begins. So make sure he understands that he can’t cross that boundary ever again.
3. Remember that he doesn’t define your value
We so often make the mistake of tying our own value to the way others perceive us. That’s an issue once someone who’s so important to you decides to start ignoring your value.
What you need to realize before you continue your life (with or without him) is this man doesn’t determine your value. You’re valuable, worthy, and beautiful with or without him there. He doesn’t change anything about you.
Yes, he might have had an impact on your life, now your husband doesn’t value you anymore, but that’s not reason enough for you to doubt your actual value.
Your own value comes from within, not from the outside world. Other people may be important to you, but they’re not the most important in your life – you are.
4. Stand up for yourself
People often think that we’re not able to see our own value if we don’t stand up for ourselves. That’s also when those people think that they can mistreat us.
Don’t allow this to happen.
You’re someone who obviously is extremely valuable. You’re kind, forgiving, and caring, and you genuinely want this marriage to work out. So what’s his deal?
You have to stand up for yourself from now on. You have the right to demand this respect, especially when you’re married to someone.
If he’s making you feel uncomfortable by speaking poorly of you in front of other people then make sure to make an equally awkward scene.
Tell him, in front of everyone how absolutely petty he is and that you’re not playing his games. You’re much better than that and that you thought he was, too.
It’s a small act, but at the same time, you’ve shown him that you’re not going to stand by and deal with his insults.
I genuinely believe that the worst advice you can give someone is to tell them to pack up and just leave. It’s never that easy. There are so many factors that play into this.
But what to do when nothing works in your favor?
You’ve tried to talk to him, you’ve tried standing up for yourself, but you’ve started to see his disrespect for what it truly is.
Leaving is never the only option, but it is a valid last one you have. When things go south, you have to do this.
You might want to because you think that you can still save things, but once he’s proven to you that he’s not going to acknowledge your value anymore, there’s nothing else you can do.
Your husband doesn’t value you, your efforts, your affection – anything.
He doesn’t value your presence in his life. So show him what it’s like to live without you for a while.