“My boyfriend would rather be with his friends than me. Does that mean that I’m not a priority to him?”
I would love to tell you that all men are saints, but I’d be lying. Sometimes, men tend to put their friends above the person they’re with and that’s just sad.
I supposed that it’s “bros before…” but it should never be “bros before your girlfriend.” There’s a huge difference there and we can’t just ignore the fact that you’re dealing with his inability to see what his true priority should be.
But you’re not the only woman who’s going through this. Many women have to deal with a man who doesn’t even bother to spend time with them.
My ex would always go out with his buddies, but he never had time for me. We wouldn’t go on a date for months, simply because he always had some other plans.
It was horrible. As you can imagine, it left me completely shattered. I would beg to see him, but he’d only ignore my pleas. Being with a man like that is doomed to disaster.
More often than not, I was left behind to cry my eyes out all by myself. He didn’t care enough to be there for me.
So now he’s out of my life. I refused to have to deal with a boyfriend who would rather be with his friends than with me.
Do you want to prevent the same thing? Would you like to know why this is happening in the first place?
Good for you that things can change quite easily if he’s ready to listen. So in this article, we’ll walk you through everything you need to know and do if you’ve found yourself in a situation like this.
Why would my boyfriend rather be with his friends than me?
There are many reasons he could like spending time with them more than you. None of those reasons should matter though, but in order to understand his perspective, you could simply read on to learn more.
When my boyfriend wanted to be with his friends instead of me, I knew that there were some unsaid things there. That’s why I believe that you also have to understand his point of view.
Even if it may break you.
1. He’s never had a girlfriend before
More often than not, the reason a guy would spend more time with his friends than his girlfriend is that he’s never been in a relationship before. He’s childish. I’m sorry to tell you this, but you’re dating an immature boy.
He’s putting them before you because that’s how it always was. He’s never had to put someone before his bros. They’re the most important people to him and he doesn’t get how you can demand to be a bigger priority than they are to him.
At one point or another, it’ll feel like you’re left completely broken and bruised. But he doesn’t know better.
That explains his behavior, but it definitely doesn’t justify it. If he’s not ready for a relationship, then he shouldn’t have dragged you into one.
He obviously has a lot of growing up to do. This is especially a problem if he’s friends with a lot of single men or men who’ve never dated.
2. You encouraged him without knowing
If your boyfriend would rather be with his friends than with you, you may have unintentionally encouraged him.
Have you ever said that your friends are more important to you than he is? Did you ever comment on how he should go out more so that you can spend more time with your friends or by yourself?
If yes, then the reasoning is obvious. It could be a very passive-aggressive way of showing you that you don’t actually want him to spend more time with his friends. He wants to show you that you’re wrong.
Now, he likes to spend more time with them than you and you can only blame yourself. He probably didn’t want to leave your side before and that was simply annoying. Now you’re left to fend for yourself.
3. They’re simply more important to him than you are
When we go through a lot with someone, we don’t even question their importance in our lives. I know that you’re tired of having that roaming insecurity in your head of “my boyfriend would rather be with his friends than me.” But if they went through some big life experiences together, he won’t be able to let that go.
He knows just how heartbreaking it was for him to see his friends stressed and scared. Now, he doesn’t want to abandon them. If they were there for him at his lowest, naturally they’ll be his biggest priority.
You simply haven’t had the time yet to show him that you’ll be there for him, too. You haven’t had the opportunity to go through problems like that with him yet. So now, you’re left to compete with them for a place in his life.
4. He doesn’t want to look like a simp
This one can also be seen as simply a sign that he’s childish. Men call each other simps when they love their girlfriends or treat them kindly. That’s just sad, but it’s true.
For some reason, being called a simp is seen as an insult. No one wants to be called one and it’s gruesome what men will do just to avoid this nickname.
If his friends are prone to mocking one another, then this could easily be the reason he spends so much time with them instead of you.
He’s afraid that they may think of him as less than they are. He’s scared they’ll mock him for prioritizing you because he’s insecure about himself and his feelings for you.
Of course, he doesn’t even realize that immature men like that don’t deserve to be part of his friend group. He wants to be around them for whatever reason because they make him feel important.
What’s worse is that there’s little you can do about it. He should be able to stand up to them or simply avoid situations like that.
But, he’d much rather dodge you so that he can avoid being called a simp than confront his friends for their stupid little games.
5. He’s irritated by your presence
For whatever reason, he doesn’t like being around you.
You’re wondering why your boyfriend would rather be with his friends than you, but what you’re not considering is how he acts when he’s around you. Does he seem extremely agitated whenever he’s around?
Does he roll his eyes often? Is his phone always in his hands and does he embrace each time someone texts him just so he can ignore you?
This means that he doesn’t want to be around you. He doesn’t like you. I’m sorry to be this blunt, but if your boyfriend liked you, he wouldn’t act this way.
He always ends up fighting with you over stupid things or he simply avoids talking to you in general. If he wanted to talk to you or be around you, then he definitely go about things in a much gentler way.
But he’s always on the verge of a fight with you. That’s such an awful thing to go through when you love the person.
6. He has more fun with them
You have more fun with your friends, too. You go out clubbing and you dance the night away. There’s not even an ounce of stress on your shoulders when you’re out with your girls.
He feels the same way about his friends.
There’s a difference, though. You still want to spend time with him. You want to be around him because you have a different type of fun.
There’s no reason you wouldn’t enjoy his company. He’s your boyfriend! Of course, you love spending time with him.
But the fact that he doesn’t want to be around you because he’s not always having the time of his life is concerning.
On some days you’d like to just laze around, cuddling with him and watching a movie or two. You’d like to go for a picnic with him or something, but he always declines.
He says that he has a lot more fun with his friends. That could be because they’ll drink, watch a game, and then make stupid jokes that you don’t even want to understand.
7. His friends don’t like you
There’s a good chance that his friends don’t like you. This thought is horrible, but there’s a good chance that this is the case.
If he’s spending so much time with them instead of you, they may have said something about you that made him take a few steps back from you.
Of course, he chose you. His friends shouldn’t have such a huge impact on your relationship. Nonetheless, you know that you’d listen to your friends too if they told you that your boyfriend was a waste of your time.
Or at least, you’d question your choice in partner.
He seems to have taken that to a whole new extreme. So now, you’re left to wonder what they may have told him about you that made him act this way.
This will be obvious whenever you want to join them and he continuously makes a comment about how they don’t want you around or that they’re not really fond of the idea.
It could be a way for him to hide his own distaste in your choice of activity, but he could also be telling the truth.
My boyfriend would rather be with his friends than me – is there anything I can do about it?
Now that you know why he may be ignoring your pleads for attention, your next step is to learn how to handle this. You don’t have to stand around and simply wait for him to realize that you’ve been rotting away on your own.
There’s so much you could do together, but he obviously refuses to even acknowledge you.
Now, what I did when my boyfriend wanted to be with his friends rather than me was probably quite basic, but I would always find a way to keep his interest. That is, until I realized that there’s no reason for me to put that much effort into a man who never willingly chose to spend time with me.
I hope you don’t come to that point. That’s why we’ll try to find the best thing that works for you and your relationship.
1. Create a safe space for a conversation
If he’s childish and immature, then you’ll have to create a safe space to raise the topic. If you don’t, he may become extremely defensive and you won’t be able to get through to him.
He’ll just see it as you trying to attack him. He doesn’t understand that you’re trying to save your relationship, he just sees it as your way of trying to control him.
However, when you create a safe space for a conversation, you’ll be able to get a lot more out of him.
You can do that by sitting him down when he’s not using his phone and all of his attention is on you. If that situation is rare, you may want to try to talk to him carefully. Lower your voice, tell him that you want to have a serious chat with him, and tell him that you need him to listen to you.
2. Ask him what’s going on
After you’ve established a safe space, you should ask him what’s going on. Tell him you’ve been wondering “why would my boyfriend rather be with his friends than with me?” and it’s eating you up.
You have to know the truth.
I know that we’ve made a list of possible reasons he’s acting this way, but you can only be sure after it comes out of his own mouth. Whatever it is that he says, you have to be ready to hear the truth because it may not be pleasant.
If he doesn’t want to tell you, you have no reason to believe that the relationship will go on.
So, please do ask him to be honest about why he’s putting his friends before you. There must be something going on that’s bothering him because otherwise, he wouldn’t be so dismissive.
3. Figure out his love language
What’s your boyfriend’s love language? Do you know why he likes to sit and talk more than he likes to hug and kiss?
He could be getting the one thing he needs the most from his friends, that he’s not getting from you. For example, his friends are spending quality time with him, while your love language is physical touch and he just feels like you’re annoying him with your constant need for cuddles.
It’s quite possible that you have two completely different love languages. If he doesn’t feel loved because you express love in a different way than he perceives it, it could be why he’s constantly trying to avoid you.
Make him do the love language test online or simply watch out for what he likes the most. Educate yourself on love languages and try to show him that you love him in a way that he identifies with.
4. Make your own plans and focus on yourself
If his time with his friends isn’t as excessive as you may believe, then the problem could be with you. He spends time with you, too, but he also likes to talk and hang out with his friends. It seems like he’s always with them because you don’t have any plans of your own and you’re always dependent on him.
Now it’s the right time to make plans of your own and focus on yourself. Make sure to always have something to do. Don’t just blow up his phone with messages and calls, so that he can’t even enjoy his time with his friends.
If he’s genuinely a good boyfriend who likes to spend some time without you, then there’s no reason to be mad at him. You just have to find things that work for you, too. Do something that makes you happy that won’t make you think of him.
If you’re overly clingy or co-dependent, then you could easily lose him before you realize what’s going on.
5. Make plans for you both
If you don’t see each other, it could also be because you don’t really have actual plans. Because of that, you may want to make some plans and encourage him to participate.
What would make him happy? A road trip? Camping outdoors? Or perhaps a concert of his favorite band?
Whatever it may be, book a fun time for you both. This way he won’t have an excuse not to come.
When my boyfriend would rather be with his friends than me, this was one of the only ways I could get him to spend more time with me. It’s sad and it’s also the reason why we broke up. But you could try this for a while, just to get the ball rolling.
That said, you should definitely see if he puts any effort into organizing things himself. If he doesn’t, well, then you know where the relationship is headed.
6. Create clear boundaries for yourself
A girl who has no boundaries is a girl who won’t be able to tell her boyfriend what she wants. She also won’t ever get the things that she’s looking for in a relationship.
So now, it’s important to understand that you need these boundaries in order to show him that he can’t just play with your feelings.
Be the girl with clear boundaries. Make those rules for yourself and never let anyone, especially not a man, barge through them.
You have the right to your own wants and needs. They’re there to keep you safe and make you feel respected and loved in your relationships.
7. Set an ultimatum
I truly hope that it doesn’t come to this, but you may not have another choice.
Ultimatums are never the go-to strategy, but you may not have many other options. If he doesn’t want to listen to reason, then you need to set an ultimatum.
Tell him that he needs to make space for you in his schedule or you’re out of there. I wish I did that when my boyfriend would rather be with his friends than me.
Don’t make the same mistake I did, but rather make sure that he understands your conditions. Tell him that you’ll leave and not look back if he continues to always put his friends before you.
If you’re able to put him first, then he should do the same for you, too.
This way he’ll understand the severity of the problem and how much it’s actually affecting you. He may not have understood until now how important it is that you’re his priority, and knowing it now could rattle him enough to change his ways.
It may seem like you’re trying to manipulate him, but you’re not. This is the only way you can get him to see what it’s doing to you and save your relationship.
8. If he refuses to do anything about it, just leave
This sounds easier said than done. If there’s nothing left for you to do, it’s probably the easiest way to save your sanity. If he refuses to put you first, at least make yourself your top priority.
He can go play with his friends in his sandpit and he can refuse to grow up and commit. If you’ll always have to compete with everyone and everything for his attention, then he simply isn’t man enough to deserve you!
This sounds so basic, but it’s the ultimate truth. You have to take care of yourself and your heart. Make sure to pack your things and make him think about what happened. At this point, he doesn’t even deserve a further explanation for the breakup.
In my opinion, you should just show him what it’ll be like to not have you around at all anymore. He’ll realize what he lost soon enough.
There’s no reason for you to stay any longer.