The truth is that I miss you…
I still dream about you every night (after hours of trying to fall asleep).
When I finally succeed, I see your figure. Slowly, with your hands spread apart, you walk toward me.
I am always running so I can get to you as fast as possible, but you don’t seem like you are making the same effort.
Over and over again, when I finally approach you, I realize that your face is blank. No smile, no emotions, nothing.
You just stare at me, holding your hands wide apart, but you never make the first step of bringing me toward you.
Even in my dreams, I am the one who is making more effort…
Then, I snap out of the dream and stare blankly at the wall, and I wait for sunrise, thinking about you. This has become my routine since you left.
Every night, day, week, or month is the same. I go through the same motions, depending on what part of the day it is.
After months and months of the same pattern, I finally have the courage to tell you something.
I miss you (and to be honest, it hurts from time to time). But I am not really sure whether I really miss you or the idea of you that I created in my head.
I think about you all the time. Whenever something good happens, I pick up my phone and start to dial your number.
(I deleted it, thinking that it would prevent me from doing this but it turns out that I still know it by heart.)
As I make a move to press that green button, I remember that you won’t pick up and that our story has come to an end.
So, I take my pen and I write in my diary everything I would tell you.
Word for word, wishing that you would be able to read it…
When something bad happens, I subconsciously drive past your house thinking that I will have the courage to stop and do what I always used to do after a rough day.
Remember how I always went to your place whenever something bad happened?
You would make me a cup of tea and we would turn on a movie. It made me feel better.
So, even now, I turn left instead of right and drive past your house instead of mine.
Silly me, thinking that you will see me and that you will know that I had a bad day.
I still hope, even though you moved on a long time ago…
I think about you when I see all those happy couples. They are happy; I can see it on their faces.
Their eyes shine as ours used to when we looked at each other.
I must confess that I am a bit jealous when I look at them.
They succeeded and we are the ones who failed. But I also know that all of the second chances in the world couldn’t help us solve our issues.
That’s why I need to tell you something.
Besides the fact that I miss you, I also realize that we aren’t meant for each other.
Everything seemed perfect in the beginning but after that, things started to change.
(Thinking about it, I probably miss the way you used to be when we just started our relationship.
You were caring and appreciative in the beginning but somewhere down the line, things changed.)
You pushed me away from you and you became afraid of letting me in.
Our communication stopped and I now realize that we only used to exchange a few sentences in a week.
It’s like you became afraid of sharing your feelings and emotions with me and I couldn’t prove to you that I wouldn’t hurt you.
After you shut me out, I had no idea how to function on my own. I became too needy and I felt jealous every time you went out with your friends.
Those constant calls and ‘I miss you‘ texts were not out of love; they were out of fear that I was losing you but I had no idea how to stop it.
So, I blamed you for everything. I told you that I needed you and that I couldn’t live without you.
Every time I screamed, “Don’t leave me,” I felt like you were a step closer to the door.
At one point, you went out and you never came back…
We made a ton of mistakes. Both of us. And we always blamed the other for them.
You blamed me for being too clingy and I blamed you for not solving our arguments.
I now know that we were chasing each other in a vicious circle of wrong behavior. (But at the same time, we were also running from each other.)
Yes, I still miss you but I know that we were not meant to be. Me missing you is no longer a sign that I want you back.
It only means that you made a huge impact on my life.
In the beginning, you gave me so many beautiful memories but at some point, they started to become warning signs that we should walk away from each other.
I now realize that you were only an experience that was supposed to teach me how everything good can become bad for you if you don’t know how to treat it properly.
And I can say that our relationship was like that.
We stopped trying for each other and we took each other for granted.
We thought that just because we had it good in the beginning, things would always stay that way.
But God proved to us that that’s not how a relationship works and furthermore, that’s not how love works.
We were supposed to take care of each other, to make our love feel like home. But instead of that, we made it feel like hell, and then we didn’t like it.
So, now that we are over, I simply needed to tell you that I miss you but also that I know we could never work because we were wrong for each other.
You were too much for me and I was too much for you.
I will try to think of you only with the good memories from the start but I will also never forget the lessons you taught me.
Now, it’s time to let go. I wish you luck and I hope that you will succeed in life.
P.S. If, by any chance, I press that green button, please don’t pick up, as our weakness could make us get back together. And that could never work out.
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