Perhaps you didn’t know, but there are different attachment styles and one of them is the avoidant kind. If you had the chance to come across a man with this style, then you must be wondering: Do avoidants regret breaking up?
Don’t think that you’re the only one who’s ever asked this. It’s a perfectly reasonable question when the other side didn’t give you a proper explanation about why he left you.
Despite wanting and needing love like everyone else, people with an avoidant attachment style think that they will lose their freedom once they start a romantic relationship with someone. What’s more, they feel stressed and don’t like to risk being hurt at all.
They believe that once they engage in a love relationship, their partner will try to control them. And they really value their personal freedom, so don’t want to be dependent on another person.
But being in a relationship means that both partners put in an equal amount of effort to make it work. With avoidants, though, it’s different.
Avoidants tend to break up because they think that their significant other is doing too much and that they can’t compete. Unfortunately, they fail to realize that love isn’t a competition. It’s about figuring out together how to survive all of life’s challenges and still care for each other’s well-being.
As a result of not properly verbalizing their feelings and needs, they start feeling trapped in the relationship. Ultimately, this leads to them being confused and detached from their partner.
Do avoidants regret breaking up?
An avoidant often breaks up with the one he’s truly in love with as soon as she starts putting effort into the relationship. Why?
Because he feels obligated to reciprocate, but he can’t. Eventually, he starts feeling guilty for not bringing enough to the table and ends up carrying that guilt into all spheres of his life.
One of the life goals that many people have is to find someone they can rely on. Someone who will help them to become better each day. And for that to happen there has to be a certain amount of independence.
However, an avoidant dodges a relationship because he doesn’t want to carry the burden of responsibility for others.
He doesn’t strive to satisfy his partner’s wishes or needs. Instead, he claims that everybody should do that on their own.
Also, he thinks that his feelings might be too much for someone to handle, so he avoids being in a romantic relationship altogether.
Usually, an avoidant is convinced he’s not good enough, which leads him to believe he doesn’t deserve to be loved by anyone. But beneath that fearful behavior lies a deeper meaning.
He uses it to protect his vulnerable side. He believes that if he avoids love, he can escape the possibility of being hurt by someone he cares about.
But every relationship requires you to give pieces of yourself to the other person. You simply can’t avoid that.
Unfortunately, that’s the way avoidants hurt those that are close to them.
The root of this problem seems to go all to way back to the relationships they have with their parents.
They were taught to not depend on anyone but themselves, and to not show any signs of weakness as it might be used against them.
As a result, every time emotions are involved, he’ll be afraid of being rejected by the other person.
But that doesn’t mean he isn’t looking for his soulmate. It’s just that he has a hard time satisfying other people’s needs and giving them support.
That’s why avoidants feel relief once they break up with their partner. But that strong desire to connect with someone is still there and they will search for another relationship that will end up in yet another breakup.
Why do they decide to leave?
To avoid difficult situations
Usually, people break up because one of them feels less attracted to the other. Also, it might be that there are some deeper issues that can’t be resolved such as cheating.
Those who truly care about each other will try to solve their problem first before deciding to go their separate ways.
Avoidants are quite different. They usually leave even before real problems happen. They protect their emotions by not trying to form a deeper connection with a person in the first place.
Their need to be independent of others governs their actions and they fall into the same cycle over and over again.
Instead of facing the problem as most people do, they hope that someone else will fix it for them. They truly believe that it’s better to leave a difficult situation and imagine what might have been if they decided to stay.
But what triggers that anxiety in avoidants? And do avoidants regret breaking up?
A healthy relationship requires both partners to have deep feelings for each other and to show their vulnerable side to each other. And that’s exactly what avoidants fear the most.
At some point, that constant anxiety becomes unbearable to them and they break up. They distance themselves from their partner as they slowly regain their sense of freedom.
Usually, an avoidant is quite aware of the fact that he’s the one who leaves the relationship first. But some avoidants go as far as to break up with their partner because they believe they’re superior or dominant if they do that.
But the most common reason why avoidants break up is because of fear of commitment. They don’t like talking about the future together, meeting the parents, or even defining the relationship.
It triggers their fight-or-fight instinct and they choose to leave their partner to get away from problems that haven’t even happened yet (and may never happen).
An avoidant believes that the best way to deal with conflict or commitment is to pull away and leave his partner without giving any explanation.
On top of that, he refuses to take responsibility for his actions, without even realizing it. He refuses to talk to his partner about why he left because it would mean that he’d have to face her emotions – which he can’t.
They’re confused and out of sync with themselves
Avoidants have a tough time figuring out what they want and how to get it. Many people can’t understand avoidants because they don’t have the same problems, so that’s why they wonder whether avoidants even regret breaking up.
Since they can’t accept or process their emotions, they’re able to quickly switch between wanting someone and rejecting them.
So they’re able to end a relationship fast and without hesitation because they aren’t conscious of their feelings.
Unfortunately, avoidants break up with their significant other without giving much explanation to the other person, which can be very stressful and frustrating. As a result, many believe that avoidants are emotionless and cruel.
They have a hard time explaining their feelings or behavior to their partners or even themselves, since their decision to distance themselves wasn’t rational at all.
After an avoidant breaks up, his partner naturally gets angry or upset, which actually reinforces the avoidant’s belief that he was right all along and that his partner’s emotions are a bit too much for him.
As said before, he hates losing his sense of independence, so that’s why he regains it by unconsciously hurting his partner.
This type of behavior is very toxic and dangerous to both partners in the relationship, but an avoidant has a tough time breaking out of the pattern.
He secretly hopes that his partner will keep pursuing him. But instead of talking to his partner about it, he decides to break up, which again, is not a rational decision.
What happens after the breakup?
In most cases, an avoidant tends to blame his partner for the failure of their relationship. He eventually comes up with an irrational explanation as to why it’s not his fault for something that clearly is.
Even though he seeks a connection with someone, he won’t go back to his ex-partner. He won’t because he can’t deal with the post-breakup feelings and it’s easier to believe his own version of what happened.
He wants to feel as if he’s won something out of the breakup since he was the one to end things. Also, he applies the no-contact rule, as it makes it easier for him to not deal with his ex’s feelings.
As a result of him not having the proper emotional reaction to a breakup, his ex-partner is mostly left wondering whether avoidants feel any regret for breaking up.
All the while, he boosts his self-confidence and accomplishes his goal of not being hurt.
However, you shouldn’t think that he lacks emotions altogether. After all, he’s human just like the rest of us.
But the thing about an avoidant is that he copes with his own feelings in a different way. He remembers a relationship in which emotions were involved as something that could actually be good for his well-being.
But an avoidant often denies creating a deeper bond with a person like that. As a consequence, he satisfies his needs with a short-lived romance while convincing himself that he hasn’t met the right person yet.
Nevertheless, his worst mistake is that he’s incapable of accepting those who only want to help as it pains him knowing that he actually needs to change some things about himself. Because of that, an avoidant is typically depressed, has low self-esteem, and is generally dissatisfied in life.
He doesn’t want to leave or break up with his significant other, but he feels a strong impulse to do so. So if he does decide to end things, then yes, an avoidant will often regret breaking up. But it doesn’t necessarily mean he’ll go back to his ex.
Signs that an avoidant regrets breaking up
Sometimes avoidants do come to their senses and decide that it’s time for them to change. They start thinking about the times they were happy, so they regret the breakup in the first place.
But, how do you know that your avoidant regrets breaking up with you? Well, luckily for you, there are signs that can help you solve that mystery.
1. He still texts you
One way to find out if an avoidant regrets ending things with you is when he still contacts you and refuses to leave you alone after the breakup.
It’s not something that is typical for an avoidant, as he’ll most often use the no-contact rule and refuse to call or text you for a set period post-breakup. But that only happens if they don’t regret breaking up in the first place.
But you should be careful. He might contact you to get your attention and nothing else. He doesn’t wish to hurt or be mean to you, he just wants your focus to be switched on to him.
As I mentioned earlier, an avoidant attachment style is different and interesting to say at least. And avoidant may simply not know how else to get your attention than through texts or calls, as it’s easier than face-to-face.
He doesn’t know how to properly end the relationship and deal with those post-breakup emotions, so it’s easier for him to still be in contact with you. Those texts you get from him are proof that he regrets breaking up with you.
His feelings for you haven’t changed, but at the same time, he doesn’t know how to behave in a romantic relationship.
I know that it’s probably as confusing for you as it is for him, but you have to be patient if your wish is to get him back.
2. He acts weird around you
Not sure if your avoidant regrets breaking up with you? Well, you can be sure that he does if he acts strange when you run into each other.
Ask yourself this: Is your ex-boyfriend acting out of the ordinary? Or is he trying to get away from you as fast as possible so he doesn’t have a face-to-face conversation with you?
You might never guess it, but this awkwardness is a sign that an avoidant regrets breaking up.
The thing is, many people don’t have a strong emotional reaction to each other once they end their relationship. Usually, they made that decision long ago in their mind so they wouldn’t have any problem even talking to each other.
On the other hand, an avoidant often acts weird and pretends that he doesn’t really care. But the truth is, he does care – he only wants to prove that he doesn’t need anyone, especially someone he cares about.
Someone with an avoidant attachment style still has feelings, he just has a tough time expressing them.
Even if he doesn’t say a word to you, you’ll be able to see how he feels. One way to achieve that is to notice those little changes in his body language.
3. He’s still single
If your avoidant ex-boyfriend is still single, that means he still has feelings for you and regrets breaking up.
It might be hard for you to notice this since you’re still dealing with your own post-breakup emotions. But if your ex hasn’t even started dating again, it might be because he truly regrets ending things with you.
And even if he has gotten involved with someone else, can you say that he still texts you day in, day out? If so, then it’s a clear sign that you’re on his mind and the guilt of leaving you is eating him up inside.
I understand if you’re confused about his behavior, so don’t let it cloud your judgment. It’s completely up to you whether or not to give him a second chance.
At least you know he regrets breaking up, so you can ease your mind a bit if that’s what you were thinking about.
Sometimes, it’s important to us to know that we still mean something to our exes, even when we don’t want them back. I know, it’s weird but true.
4. He tries to see you
Maybe you’re wondering why your ex is showing up at places where he knows he’ll see you. Well, one of the reasons might be because he regrets breaking up with you.
Whenever you’re eating at your favorite restaurant or jogging in the park, he magically shows up out of nowhere. It might be strange at first, but that’s his way of showing you he wants to see you and talk.
Perhaps you think he’s weird, but he doesn’t know how to properly express what he feels. That’s the reason why he might use unusual methods like this.
Keep in mind that even though he’s the one who broke up first, he still wants you to remember him. Your avoidant doesn’t want to feel abandoned by you, even if you’re not together anymore.
5. He wants to stay friends with you
Avoidants who regret breaking up will try anything they can to be close to you. They might even suggest staying friends with you afterward.
Most people tend to go their separate ways once the relationship is over, while others agree to stay in each other’s lives and be friends. You’ve heard the phrase “Let’s be friends,” but the truth is, very few people actually mean it.
Perhaps they’ve opened up to you a bit. Because you know much about them, they don’t want to risk you using that information against them someday.
If you’re avoidant asks you to stay friends, it could mean that he regrets breaking up with you. He misses you and doesn’t want the relationship to end – even if just platonically.
He could never say it directly to your face. It would be way too difficult for him to confront you. This is his way of telling you that he cares about you.
6. He’s been asking around about you
This is typical avoidant behavior: going around and asking people about you. He still cares about you and regrets leaving. So don’t be surprised if he asks your friends how you’ve been doing and whether you’ve met someone new.
Those are the things that interest him, but he’s not courageous enough to directly ask you about them.
Your mutual friends should expect to hear from him and be asked if you’re happy and doing okay. But they will mostly be asked about your love life.
Perhaps your avoidant broke up with you as soon as things start to become real, but now he worries that you might have found someone else.
Sure, he could stalk your social media profiles to find out some info about you. But it’s more convenient for him to ask your mutual friends about it.
7. He starts reminiscing about the good times
You’re already familiar with the fact that an avoidant doesn’t like to openly talk about his feelings. So, how can you know that he regrets breaking up?
Well, if he talks about good memories from your relationship, then you can be sure that he definitely misses you.
Perhaps he brings up the first time you kissed. Or the time you nursed his wounds after he fell from his bicycle. The point is, he’s still thinking about you.
And by reminding you of all those good old stories, he’s actually showing you how much you mean to him. And even if you don’t get back together, he wants you to know it wasn’t just a casual relationship.
8. He drunk-dials you
When your avoidant ex calls you while drunk, then you can be sure he can’t get you out of his head.
He may be able to control his actions while sober, but alcohol will definitely encourage him to speak what’s on his heart. It’s because he’s relaxed – he’s not thinking he might lose his freedom or get hurt by someone.
An avoidant will do anything he can so that people don’t see who he really is. But even though he’s shy about his emotions, he won’t be able to hide them when he’s had one too many.
For once, you’ll see him being totally open and honest with you. So don’t be surprised if your ex drunk-calls you, just to tell you how he regrets breaking up with you.