Think aloud
“My boyfriend doesn’t help me financially. What should I do?”
Don’t worry and take a deep breath. Realize that something like this isn’t immediately a reason to break up with him.
You may want to think about the circumstances that have brought you to this point.
I would be lying if I said that I haven’t been asked this question before. Women often have this problem, believe it or not.
It’s never healthy for a relationship when just one person does the money-making, as their significant other may feel used.
There’s a huge power gap between you two. One of you is earning money, while the other one is just spending it.
A relationship like that seems toxic. One person expects the other to be the one who brings all the money into the home (which you probably share by now) and doesn’t mind spending it all.
Sometimes, we feel bad about spending our partner’s money. You feel like you’re a burden to him and no woman wants to feel like that.
That’s why you might have gone out to find yourself a way to earn money, so that one day you won’t have to rely on someone else for support.
However, he obviously doesn’t have the same mindset.
Your boyfriend doesn’t support you financially and you want to change that? Let’s figure out together how you’re going to do that.
Why doesn’t my boyfriend support me financially?
There may be an actual reason as to why but it doesn’t change the fact that he needs to change his behavior.
However, when it comes to this issue, it may help you out to know where someone’s coming from when we’re talking about their behavior and it may also save the relationship.
Whatever the situation may be, whether you have children together and he’s not paying child support or he’s just living with you rent-free, there’s always a reason.
His behavior is wrong and he does have to change. Later in this article, we’ll talk about the way you can approach this topic and work on this issue together but right now, we have to address why he’s acting this way.
When I had this issue with an ex-boyfriend, I made sure to give him the benefit of the doubt. I asked him what was going on and tried to understand his reasons.
So after a few of my friends confronted their boyfriends about the same issue, we figured out that there are a few recurring reasons why your boyfriend doesn’t support you financially.
You’ll realize that at least one of these can be applied to your boyfriend and what’s going through his head right at this moment.
1. He was spoiled by his parents
A man who was raised by his parents to believe that whatever he wants he’ll get without question is a dangerous creature.
He grew up getting whatever he wanted. He grew up believing that everyone is able to give him the things he wants.
His parents are probably very wealthy and didn’t mind giving him what he wanted while he was growing up.
Now, even though he probably still gets money from his parents, he doesn’t know that he has to spend it on other things as well.
He needs to know that can’t just buy himself something new every day without thinking about the fact that he has to help you financially.
When your boyfriend doesn’t want to do this, it can mean that he’s never had to share the things he had with someone.
He thinks that it’s completely normal for him to spend all his money and never think about paying rent or the electric bill.
Does that mean that you should baby him and that he should let you spend all your money on essentials? Absolutely not.
He has to be fully aware of his financial responsibilities. What his mom and dad did for him has nothing to do with your relationship and he should be able to get over it.
2. He doesn’t have a stable job
My best friend has been struggling with a man for quite a while now. He thinks that it’s okay to take his sweet time finding a job, while she’s hustling double shifts to keep them both afloat.
She’s having a very hard time figuring out whether she should wait for him to find the perfect job or if she should just cut him off completely.
It’s not easy to make that decision. When your boyfriend doesn’t help you financially, you’re left to wonder whether this is how it’s always going to be.
If he’s always in and out of jobs and makes a scene when he gets fired even when it’s obviously his fault, you need to understand that he won’t change.
A man like that has to have a complete change of character before you can even think about sharing this stress with him.
It’s fine if it’s really not his fault and you know that he’s been doing his best, but when he’s just not even trying to keep a job then it’s an issue that can’t be ignored.
You can’t be with a man who obviously couldn’t care less about how much you work.
3. He has someone else
I’m not trying to convince you that your man is cheating on you, but there’s a possibility that’s it’s true. A real man would never do this, though; that’s completely obvious.
When you have two partners, your finances are kind of torn into two sides. It’s possible that he’s spending all of his money on another woman.
Just because you’re in a serious relationship, it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have someone else. This is extremely problematic when you’re trying to make a living and you also have to support him financially.
Your money problems can result in huge issues. It can mean that you eat fast food almost every day because you can’t afford actual groceries.
While he’s taking her out to dinner and buying her expensive gifts, you’re left wondering whether you’ll have enough money to get through the week.
You can’t be the sole breadwinner if he’s not even able to stay loyal to you. You should really look at where he’s spending his money.
If he truly is cheating on you then it won’t matter that your boyfriend doesn’t want to help you financially. He’ll be out of your life before he can take any more of your money.
4. He has too many student loans
People often get way into their adult life before they completely pay off their student loans.
They’re a huge burden on people and they don’t usually let us catch our breath. Student loans take a fair share of the money you earn even when you’re a full-grown adult.
So now they’ve come for his money. He had to take the loans out in the first place because he probably wouldn’t have gotten a higher education without that added support.
His financial situation is completely understandable right now but know that you don’t have to pay for everything in your relationship.
It can be a little bit tricky when you think of it, especially if you don’t know how long you’re going to stay together. You don’t know whether he’s going to be there in the long run, even if you help him pay off his student debt.
All of your hard work could be completely wasted. You want to help him because you’re that kind of person, but now he’s really making you reconsider everything.
It may be that in your previous relationship, you both had student loans but you still made sure to pay for everything equally, so what’s happening? Something like this is very dangerous and needs sorting.
5. He has some sort of addiction
Another reason why your boyfriend doesn’t help you financially is that he has some sort of addiction. You’re left wondering where all that money’s going, while he’s indulging himself in the habit of his choice.
It could be alcohol, shopping, video games, gambling, or anything along those lines, and a lot of money can go into things like this.
Nothing is left for you at the end of the day and you’re always left to pay for everything for the both of you. You’re spending your money on food and the bare necessities while he’s wasting his.
Addictions are very dangerous for various reasons but one of them is because addicts can use up all of their (and your) money and they’re usually left with nothing.
If you want to figure out whether this is his issue then you may want to look for behavioral patterns.
Does he get very irritated before he goes out and then he comes back completely relaxed? He may be going for a smoke, a drink, or worse.
6. You’re a burden to him
“I’m a single mom and I don’t know what to do because he doesn’t want to pay child support for my son!”
I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve heard this. When your boyfriend doesn’t want to help you financially, you’re left to ponder how long you’ll be able to keep up with this.
Your family members help you out as much as they can, but he should be the number one person to go to when it comes to asking for money for the children you share.
Why isn’t he paying child support in the first place? He should be the one making sure that his kids are completely taken care of.
Taking care of children means that you have to spend a lot of money on their needs and some help from their own father is necessary but would also be appreciated.
However, he obviously doesn’t want to have anything to do with his little ones. You’re all just a burden to him because he wants to live a normal life on his own.
It’s his fault, completely, so he should be able to own up to it and give you the money you need and deserve.
What can I do when my boyfriend doesn’t help me financially?
In situations like these, you want to make sure that you’re being fair. You don’t want to walk away from a man who seems like such a sweetheart.
Sometimes, people simply don’t know how to handle their finances. They don’t know that they’re being a burden to others.
When you encounter a man like that, you want to help him, but you also want to make sure it won’t affect you badly, especially if you do have children to take care of.
You obviously can’t rely on him for financial support right now but what can you do when your boyfriend doesn’t help you financially? Can you even do anything if he refuses to help you out?
Well, if he’s willing to go through this change then he’s worth you trying. You don’t have to run away from him just yet.
1. Talk openly about this issue
The first thing you should always do when you have an issue is openly talk about it. Talking things through and figuring out the best thing for both of your situations is necessary.
You may want to avoid waiting any longer. Having to spend your own money on others constantly puts you in a very bad situation financially and it can’t wait any longer, so it’s best to discuss things with him right away.
If you have any suspicions, you can also confront him and ask him whether he’s cheating on you. If yes, then the issue is solved, as you’re leaving him right here and right now – right?
He doesn’t deserve to be a part of your life any longer. Let him spend all of his money on the other woman, as you’re not spending a dime on him anymore.
When your boyfriend doesn’t help you financially, you’re left to use up all of your own money and that’s not all right. He needs to know how you feel.
Even if you tried talking to him about this earlier, sit him down, tell him how serious this situation is and make sure he understands you.
2. Don’t expect him to be your financial supporter
For now, he’s not supporting you financially, but you also can’t expect that of him, especially if you don’t have that type of agreement. It’s very important not to depend on your partner.
You shouldn’t rely on each other financially. You need to be independent in order to create a healthy union.
In a situation where you do have children, however, that’s completely understandable. He needs to contribute in order for them to have everything they need.
When you’re in a normal relationship, there may be an issue where you expect him to pay for luxuries like nails, bags, and dresses.
That isn’t the agreement, though, and you need to watch out not to offend him by asking for money from him for non-essentials like this.
He’ll think that you’re just a gold-digger who wants his money and doesn’t love him for who he is.
However, it’s completely normal to contribute the same amount of money to the relationship. If he insists on buying you dinner and paying for dates, then let him but you shouldn’t expect him to do that.
3. Don’t judge him
If he’s someone who’s trying his best to make you happy and he does what he can to support you then he’s truly a kind man who’s just currently going through a tough time.
He needs someone to support him for a short while so he can get back on his feet.
It’s a completely different situation if your man is being extremely lazy and doesn’t want to get off of the couch right now but when he’s a sweetheart, you have to be a little bit more patient.
Don’t judge him by the amount of money he spends on you. When your boyfriend doesn’t help you financially, ask yourself why.
If he’s really being a selfish douche then your decision is made for you but don’t judge him for how much money he’s able to spend on you.
No one is obligated to spend money on you and you’re not obligated to spend your own money on anyone. Many women think that, “If he doesn’t spend money on me, he doesn’t love me,” and that’s completely wrong.
4. Set financial goals
One thing you can do for your relationship right now is set goals. It’s something you should have done already by now but it’s never too late to start.
Write everything down. Write down how much money you earn together, how much money you spend together, and how much money you want to put into savings.
You don’t have to carry the entire burden yourself. If your boyfriend doesn’t help you financially, make sure to be very direct about the things that you need him to do.
You can write down everything that you need to when you have that very important conversation. Don’t just sit around and complain about how your boyfriend doesn’t help you financially.
When this happened to me, I made sure to make a long list of the things that we do need and the things that we need to stop spending money on. I know that it seems a little bit restrictive but it’s better than going broke.
5. Maintain a balance
Balance is extremely important in every relationship, though as stated before, no one is obligated to pay for the things in your life.
My boyfriend doesn’t help me financially because I don’t need his help. Though I’m very independent, we do pay for things for each other every once in a while.
If he treats you to dinner, do the same thing for him as well. Don’t just wait for each other to pay for things, but rather do everything in a balanced way that’ll let you both be happy and maintain a healthy relationship.
This way, neither of you will go broke from paying for everything each other needs and you won’t depend on each other for anything.
6. Open a joint savings account for your children
If you have children and your boyfriend doesn’t help you financially, then that’s an issue.
The only thing you can do is offer to open a joint savings account where he can always see how much money you’ve deposited and vice-versa. If he needs this to motivate himself, then great!
Your kids need both of you right now. They shouldn’t be victims in the middle of your issues, because they’re helpless without their parents.
So please, make sure to have enough money for your children, especially if you have a baby who was brought into this world just recently.
Neither of you should be able to run away from this responsibility.
7. Help him find a stable job
It’s not the same when you’re working part-time and when you have a full-time job.
If he’s in and out of jobs a lot, it’s probably because he isn’t able to find something he loves. Sometimes, people need a little while longer to figure themselves out.
So instead of accusing him of being lazy and letting him absolutely drain your bank account, help him find a stable job. Go through job applications and help him apply for the positions he thinks he’d excel at.
If he wants to stop being a burden to you and actually become a respectable part of your relationship and society, he needs to get back on his feet.
8. Let him help you in other ways
When your boyfriend doesn’t help you financially, you’re left to wonder why you need to work so much while he does nothing.
If you have to go to work then he should be the one to watch the kids (if you have any) and do all the housework. He can’t just expect you to do everything while he’s sitting around.
If he wants you to be the one who brings all the money into the house then the least he can do is take care of your children, wash the dishes, and do other household chores.
Sometimes, it’s easier to split the work. My mother was home with the kids, while my father worked and paid for everything.
That’s what it was like for us growing up, where my parents had come to a mutual agreement on this topic.
For you and your boyfriend, there need to be boundaries set and there has to be a mutual understanding between you. Otherwise, if there’s none of that, it’s best for you to leave the relationship right now.
