Think aloud
“Why can’t I get over him? We broke up a while ago, but I can’t seem to pull myself together. I’m pining over him even though I know he was wrong for me. I’m thinking of him even though I know he moved on. I don’t know why I’m feeling this way, but I do know that I’m ready to move on, too.”
Walking away from someone who mended your broken heart, made you smile for years, and made you complete can be a tough task. When you weren’t the one who wanted to walk away, though, getting over the end of a relationship can be borderline impossible. What are you supposed to do?
Whether you’re reeling from the end of the best relationship you’ve ever had, trying to get over someone who straight-up cheated on you, or figuring out a way to stop crushing on someone who doesn’t even know you exist, we’ve got your back. We’re more than happy to validate your emotions.
Right off the bat, we have to clarify that getting over someone you adore can take weeks, months, and sometimes even years. We wouldn’t be bombarded with millions and millions of breakup songs, self-help books, Jay Shetty podcasts, and heart-breaking poems if getting over someone took two to three business days.
With that out of the way, though, you never thought you’d be sitting on your bed, eating copious amounts of fast food, and drenching your sorrow with Adele songs. You never thought you’d be wasting your Friday nights thinking about the fact that he didn’t struggle to move on, but you did.
“What am I doing wrong, then? Why can’t I get over him?”
Why can’t I get over him?
Spoiler alert: There’s no right or wrong way of getting over someone after a breakup. We’ve been conditioned to think that the “21-day rule” works for everyone, but that doesn’t mean that you’re going to start getting over someone you adored after three weeks of no contact.
We know that’s not a satisfying answer for someone who’s trying to stay afloat, but that’s the truth. We suggest giving your heart enough time to heal, putting your energy and effort to use, and focusing on things that matter to you the most at the moment – whether that’s your career or your hobby.
We mentioned the no-contact rule, and we weren’t kidding. When you’re trying to get over someone, you can’t expect to forget about them when you keep talking to them, stalking them on social media, or grabbing coffee with them because “you’re trying to be friends.”
Now, we assume that even though you’re doing everything right, you’re still struggling to get over the breakup. Remember, there are no rules about how you should feel after a breakup. Remind yourself that life can be better than before and get to work.
We might not have a cure for your broken heart, but we do have a few of our favorite reasons why you’re not getting over your ex that might shed some light on what’s going on and motivate you to work toward moving on. What are you waiting for? Go get ’em, girl!
Why am I holding onto the relationship even though he was wrong for me?
1. You didn’t come to terms that your relationship ended
When your ex broke up with you, you were sure that the two of you would get back together within the first few weeks of being apart, maybe even sooner. You thought that the two of you shared something special and that nothing would ever come between you. You thought he was your end game.
But he wasn’t.
You never agreed to end the relationship. You never came to terms with the fact that the two of you aren’t together because you never stopped hoping he’d come back. You never stopped hoping he’d text you, come by your apartment, or surprise you at work.
2. You think you’ll never find anyone as amazing as him
Before you do something you’re going to regret, know that you played a part, too. You didn’t want to break up, but you knew that the two of you weren’t right for each other and that you were better off without the constant nagging, fighting, and arguing.
You didn’t want to end the relationship, but you knew that he wasn’t all that. Breakups are hard, but you’re going to meet someone worth your effort and energy and you won’t even remember your ex.
We’re pretty sure that the biggest breakup myth and the reason why you’re having a hard time letting go happens to be the entire “I’ll never find anyone as amazing as him!” thing. You will, you absolutely will.
3. Your relationship affected your confidence
We’re not saying that your partner was manipulative, narcissistic, and borderline abusive, but maybe you were blinded by your relationship and you didn’t notice the red flags. Maybe he didn’t allow you to go out with your friends because he was “looking out for you.”
Perhaps he wanted you to change the way you dress because he didn’t want you to “send the wrong message.” Bad partners have a way of making everything sound better, even when you’re aware that what they’re saying doesn’t make sense.
When you go through a traumatic relationship, you have a hard time letting go because you’re struggling to get your confidence back or to go back to who you used to be before the relationship.
4. You gave up your life
We can’t forget about the possibility that you’re struggling to get over him because you’re struggling to get over the life you had when you were with him. What do we mean by that? When you get together with someone you’re head over heels with, you quickly become obsessed with them.
Everything starts revolving around them – you spend your holidays with them, you plan your free time according to when they’re available, and you prioritize them over your friends and family.
Even though you’re not doing that on purpose, you quickly stop seeing your friends as much, doing hobbies you enjoy, or pursuing your passions. Your partner becomes your everything, and when he’s gone, you don’t know who you are without him.
5. You remember the good times, but not the bad ones
And you’re not the only one! At the end of the day, everyone who gets out of a relationship, good or bad, ends up reminiscing the good things, remembering the good times, and wondering whether they’ve made a mistake. Additionally, we know why that happens.
According to human behavior experts, the phenomenon is called euphoric recall and is similar to what happens to addicts when they’re trying to quit whatever they’re addicted to. Euphoric recall is directly related to the pleasure or reward centers of the brain, too.
Whatever the reason might be, though, you shouldn’t focus on the positive when you’re trying to get over someone. Come on, we’re sure he made a bunch of mistakes you can focus on!
6. You didn’t cut the ties
We’re pretty sure you’d get over your ex within the first few weeks of the breakup if you followed Dua Lipa’s rules, but we’re here to help, nonetheless. We know it’s hard, but we suggest cutting all ties, including phone calls, dates, texts, and tweets.
Whether you’re the one who wanted to end the relationship or the one who was dumped, you’re better off without unnecessary contact.
Every time you see your ex, your feelings will come flooding back, and that’s not something you want when you’re trying to move on. Even though you’re dying to see whether he misses you as much as you miss him, you’re better off without him.
7. You’re trying to make sense of what happened
“Why can’t I get over him?” Because you never got the closure you needed. You never figured out why you were dumped and you never got over the fact that your favorite person on Earth decided to end the relationship. You never made sense of what happened.
When the two of you broke up, you weren’t given a proper explanation and that’s why your mind went into overdrive trying to piece together events and evidence, figure out what went wrong, and ruminate over the breakup. You’re thinking about your relationship 24/7 and that’s why you’re struggling to let go.
8. You didn’t allow yourself to grieve
Breakups are the worst because you’re expected to bounce back the moment your ex does, but sometimes you’re stuck thinking about everything the two of you were planning on doing.
Maybe you were planning a future together. Perhaps you were thinking of baby names and streets that would be perfect for raising a family. Maybe you were planning on traveling the world together, working on your careers, or growing old together.
Whatever your relationship dynamic was, you can’t get over everything you talked about right away. You need to give your heart a break. You need to allow time to heal your heart, make you feel better, and help you move on. You’re going to be okay, girl!