Think aloud
Have you ever had to let go of a man who was never yours to begin with? Have you felt the pain of separation, even though you knew you had no right to feel like that?
It’s hard to explain.
When I met him, all I saw was an instant connection. This man and I would share so many different stories about each other’s lives as if we’d known each other for years. But the truth is that it hadn’t even been a month since the first time we’d crossed paths.
I listened to him and memorized the way his mouth would move to form words. There wasn’t a moment he didn’t have my full attention.
It came so naturally, just like breathing. It was so effortless that it may have been scary at certain moments if I didn’t believe in soulmates.
Nothing else mattered but the two of us. Spending days in his clothes and making pancakes for breakfast, lunch, and dinner seemed like the perfect life for me.
It was so easy to get entangled in passion when he was around. My hand seemed to fit perfectly into his and whenever our eyes met, I couldn’t hold his stare for too long. It made me realize just how much power he held over me.
I’m not delusional enough to tell you that, looking back, I loved him. But he was the closest thing to perfection I had ever met. He was charismatic, knew how to make me laugh, and would never back away from deep conversation.
I was mesmerized by the way my body reacted to him and how my lips would move in sync with his easier than anything. He made my overthinking mind quieten down and he somehow knew how to calm me down.
Can you imagine having someone like that in your life? When you’ve found everything you ever wanted in a man without even trying?
That’s why it was so easy to feel myself falling more and more for him. I fell harder each day, despite trying really hard to keep my heart at bay.
I still wasn’t able to think things through the way I needed to. The infatuation and blinding lights of affection were enough to make me forget my rational side. I didn’t think it was a little too early to give him everything that I am.
But I did. I gave myself to him and forgot to pull back at the right time. That’s why I ended up broken and bruised.
When you think that life’s treating you right, there’s always that little nagging feeling in the back of your head reminding you that you can’t enjoy yourself too much. You have to hit the breaks at a certain moment.
But I felt too comfortable. His words made me feel as if I was on top of the world. It felt like there’d never be someone else out there for me, but him. In just over a month, I felt myself crash full speed into heartbreak.
He said he was talking to someone else that entire time. He said he’d been trying to create something more serious with her.
This man told me that he had fun with me, that it was nice, but that he liked her more than he liked me. He said that he thought she could be the one for him.
The reality of the situation came crashing down on me. At first, I believed he was joking. There’s no way in hell that he would say something like this after just spending the entire day with me.
My first thoughts were: I must be going crazy. Did I read the signs wrong? Did I imagine the chemistry, the affection, the love?
Was I really that easy to manipulate into believing that what we had was real?
Then reality hit me when he said that we could stay friends. When he said he’d like to continue talking to me, but he didn’t think that we should be this close anymore.
Which meant that he simply wanted me to stay around in case she didn’t want him in the end.
He said we would work as friends much better. Can you imagine the audacity some men have? Can you imagine the fury that I felt?
Somewhere deep down, I felt the anger bubble, but I didn’t let it show. When angry tears started to stream down my face, I just ignored them and told him that he was crazy if he believed that I would ever stay friends with him.
I didn’t even need to look at his face to see the pleading in his eyes. But I didn’t care.
The ending of this “relationship” was probably the most heartbreaking experience of my life.
And I know why. I didn’t understand it back then, but I see things clearly now.
We didn’t have enough time to learn about the disgusting parts of each other. I just saw the shallow perfection that I wanted to see – I didn’t see the real him.
If I told you right now that it doesn’t hurt anymore, I’d be lying to you.
I wanted things to work out so badly. He acted like the man of my dreams for long enough to make me fall head over heels for him.
It only made the heartbreak even worse. How was I supposed to move past this and ignore my devastated heart?
Men simply don’t think about these things. They see us as replaceable and don’t think about what may come from their behavior.
So here I am right now. Stuck in a daydream of all the things that could’ve been. Stuck believing that things could’ve played out differently.
May he have his fun. I’ll keep walking away from him and leave his messages unanswered. I owe myself that much.
