Dealing with a person who has an avoidant attachment style can be pretty stressful and nerve-wracking. They pull back the moment they notice that things are getting a bit too serious for them. If someone you like suffers from this condition, then you’re probably wondering how to get an avoidant to chase you.
One thing is clear – no matter how much they try to avoid relationships, intimacy, or any kind of commitment, they can’t avoid love. There isn’t a single person on earth who can control the feeling of love, including avoidants.
The thing is, love happens to us naturally. Even if we try to hide it or deny it, it can’t magically disappear. It stays in our heart and becomes a part of who we are.
Although avoidants tend to look cold and tough on the outside, they have emotions too, just like the rest of us. The fact is that they try their hardest to suppress those feelings but sooner or later, they have to confront them.
If someone you’ve fallen in love with is an avoidant, you’ll need to be patient and wait for them to open up to you. You’ll achieve that by increasing their feelings and desire for you so that their fear of commitment slowly fades away.
Now comes the hard part – how to get an avoidant to chase you and commit to you. Well, before answering this question, it’s important to know what attachment theory is and what some of the most common attachment styles are.
Attachment theory and attachment styles
Attachment theory refers to the emotional bonds that people have with each other. It’s mostly focused on romantic relationships, especially long-term ones, but it can also describe a connection between a parent and a child, for instance.
The way we attach ourself to the person we love affects our relationship with them more than we think. Knowing and understanding the different attachment styles can significantly improve your love life as well as the way you deal with them, so here are the most common ones:
1. Avoidant attachment style
Usually, these types of people are most likely to avoid any sort of commitment because they believe they’ll lose their freedom once they enter into a romantic relationship.
They put their own needs first and neglect their partner’s emotions, which is why many dating experts will say that they’re similar to narcissists in disguise.
They like their independence and aren’t interested in long-term relationships. Many of them jump from one relationship to another because they have difficulty showing any type of emotions toward their significant other.
2. Anxious attachment style
What’s interesting about these avoidants is that they’re not scared to commit to a person and they don’t avoid being serious with someone; it’s just that they’re very insecure about their relationship.
Someone with this attachment style will likely have already been cheated on often. They’re aware that words mean nothing if you can’t back them up with actions, so that’s why they have a hard time trusting their partner.
3. Secure attachment style
These people are really confident in themselves and they don’t reject the idea of being in a serious relationship with someone. They’re quite comfortable with physical intimacy and they will open up to their partner if they see that their emotions are genuine.
4. Fearful-avoidant attachment style
Someone with this attachment style is almost always in a close relationship and they’re constantly worried that their partner is going to walk away from them. Their level of anxiety and avoidance is pretty high and they hardly ever show their significant other their vulnerable side.
Why won’t avoidants chase you?
The truth about avoidants is that they usually experienced some sort of childhood trauma that keeps them from opening up to other people. They have commitment issues and would rather reject anyone who tries to get close to them but there are some exceptions that occur at different stages of a relationship.
Usually, an avoidant may chase you in the dating stages, when you’re still getting to know each other better and neither of you is showing any real emotions. He doesn’t need to show you his vulnerable side yet, which is a huge plus for him.
He connects vulnerability with feeling safe and secure and at this stage of the relationship, this isn’t yet fully developed. This is the reason why an avoidant may seem open and able to pursue you in the beginning but as time passes and things get more serious between you two, you’ll notice how he pulls back and shuts down completely.
During the honeymoon stage, he may become distant or cold and that’s when he’ll show his true colors. An avoidant person struggles to find a healthy balance between his genuine emotions and his fear of commitment, so he’ll definitely take a step back to evaluate whether or not the risks outweigh the benefits.
Eventually, once he analyzes his feelings and doesn’t see being open or vulnerable as something negative, that’s when he’s likely to be willing to make things work.
How to get an avoidant to chase you
Now that you know why most avoidants refuse to form any kind of deep and meaningful connection with anyone, it’s time to get back to your question. If you’re wondering how to get an avoidant to chase you, here are some proven tactics that will most surely help you.
Some avoidants feel pressured to post pictures on social media of what they’re doing and whom they’re with. Sometimes they’re unable to handle that, though. Instead of talking to you about it, they pull back and hope that you’ll figure out what happened on your own.
The truth is he’ll probably never openly tell you that but he isn’t okay with revealing too much about his relationship. He likes to keep certain things to himself and not show everyone how much he cares about you.
If you’re very active on your profiles and you like to take pictures whenever you go on a date with him, just keep in mind that those kinds of things will increase his anxiety and avoidance levels. If you take a break from social media, you’ll make him curious about where you are and what you’re doing.
You have to be aware that he has a shy personality. He doesn’t like to expose himself to the world like you do. Also, he doesn’t care what other people think about him or his outfit or how many likes he’ll get.
Perhaps he always knows when you’re going to visit your favorite restaurant and your entire daily routine by now, even if you’re not in a relationship. However, the moment you distance yourself from your social media, you’ll become an enigma to him. He’ll be interested to find out what it is that made you do this and whether or not it’s his fault.
So, don’t share any photos or post your locations. Eventually, once he sees that you’ve changed, he’ll start to miss you and that’s when the chase will begin. He’ll try to contact you immediately to see what you’re up to.
2. Don’t rush him
How to get an avoidant to chase you? Sometimes, it’s fairly easy and the only thing you have to do is listen to what he says to you. If he asks you to give him some space and time to think about you and your relationship, then that’s exactly what you should do.
Just accept that he needs some alone time and respect his decision. Don’t rush him into anything because you’ll only make it worse.
Also, don’t send dozens of messages asking him the same thing over and over again, like, “Have you made up your mind?” Once he finally embraces his emotions and feels ready to share them with you, he’ll call you and ask you to meet up with him.
I understand that this uncertainty will bother you but remember that you’re dating a man who has a fear of intimacy. He’s genuinely scared of commitment and doesn’t know how to say it. A man like that will always pull back and slow down if he sees that you’re ready to take your relationship to the next level.
The positive side is that it won’t be like that forever. There will be a time when you’ll be able to talk to him openly and ask him to change some things about himself that are hurting you emotionally.
After all, if you want to get an avoidant to chase you, you’ll need a lot of patience and perseverance.
3. Make him chase you by using the waiting game
It can be rather difficult to control yourself when a person who means a lot to you unexpectedly distances himself or tells you that you should take a break. The only thing that goes through your mind is to pick up the phone, dial his number, and solve things once and for all. Or, God forbid, text some of his friends to ask them what’s going on with him.
But they’re the wrong approaches when dealing with an avoidant. You see, the only choice that you have is to wait and have him make the first move.
Even if he pulls away sometimes, he still may have feelings for you or even love you. He’ll be well aware of that fact and once he notices that you’re not contacting him, he’ll be scared of losing you forever. That’s when you’ll see his name pop up on your phone.
Even if your goal is to get an avoidant to chase you, that doesn’t mean you should just sit and wait for him to call you all day long. Keep in mind that you need to have a life outside of your relationship.
You have your own dreams and goals that you’re chasing. You have other people in your life whom you love and you can now spend more time with them. Playing the waiting game requires you to occupy your mind with some other things and what better way to do that than to hang out with people who know what you’re going through.
Also, if you focus on yourself and your mental health, you’ll show him that you’re having a great time even though he’s not with you and that’ll drive him crazy.
4. Take care of your looks
I’m not saying that you’re not gorgeous or amazing the way you are but there’s always room for improvement. And even if there’s nothing wrong with the natural look, that may not be enough if you want to get an avoidant to chase you.
You have to show him what he’s missing out on. Make him worry about losing you by looking your best. Take his breath away and make him realize how beautiful you are the moment he sees you.
It’s a well-known fact that men are visual human beings. So, if you want him to chase you, then one option would be to go to a salon and treat yourself.
Do whatever’s necessary to get his attention, even if that means a complete makeover. Go on a shopping spree and buy yourself some new clothes.
Not only are you going to feel great about yourself but you’ll also increase your chances of getting an avoidant to chase you. In his eyes, you’ll be more attractive than ever and it’ll be difficult for him to get that picture of you out of his mind.
Also, he’ll be jealous if he sees that other guys are trying to hit on you. Believe me, jealousy is a strong emotion that can be your ally if you know how to use it. Men are very protective of the women they love, which is why your avoidant will want to be closer to you.
He’ll feel as if someone is trying to take something that belongs to him or that he needs to look after you. That’s when his hero instinct will be triggered and he’ll start to chase you again.
5. Don’t chase him
What’s interesting about avoidants is the fact that they like to be left alone. Usually, they don’t believe anyone can understand how they feel or what’s going on inside their head, so they isolate themselves for some time to reorganize their thoughts. That’s why you should never chase him because you’ll only make things worse.
On top of that, avoidants have this fear of intimacy and they’ll use the distancing tactic whenever they notice that things are getting more serious. Their commitment issues keep them from forming a deeper or more meaningful connection with you.
So, if your wish is to get your avoidant man back, then don’t chase him and let him take the initiative. I guarantee he’ll be back after a couple of weeks of solitude.
Once he sees that his life is empty and gray without you, he’ll want you to give him a second chance and continue your relationship the way it used to be. You need to realize that you chose him but he needs to chase you.
His fear of commitment is real, there’s no doubt about it. It’s important that he notices your willingness to succeed in a relationship with him and that you won’t leave him the first time something bad happens.
Eventually, once he accepts how much he loves you, you’ll be able to have a mature conversation with him. And if you see that he still doesn’t want to open up to you, then you can suggest that he goes to a few couples therapy sessions.
6. Be a bit mysterious
Most experts will agree that in order to have a healthy relationship, you should be able to communicate with your partner openly and without fear of being judged. But that doesn’t mean you should tell him everything about yourself on your first date.
So, if you’re wondering how to get an avoidant to chase you, the answer is simple – be a bit mysterious. Keep certain things to yourself and allow him to explore you piece by piece. This is how you’ll keep him interested in you.
Sometimes it’s better to play a little hard to get because a man will certainly appreciate you more. Sooner or later, he’ll ask to spend more time with you, since he’ll be eager to get to know you completely. This way, he’ll see that you’re comfortable showing your vulnerable side and that he can do that too.
On the other hand, don’t take it to the extreme and be like a closed book. Even though men like to be challenged, they also want to see that they’re making progress.
7. Know that patience is your greatest ally
You have to understand that it’s not going to be an easy job to get an avoidant to chase you. Sometimes you’ll have to wait a couple of hours or even days for him to reply to you.
The worst mistake you can make is to say that he’s ignoring you and that you’ll do the same to him. That’s not how you’re going to succeed.
Remember that he has difficulty communicating with his significant other or someone he’s dating. You need to be patient and let him take his time.
The best thing you can do is go out and do something fun, something that will nourish your soul and body. After all, it won’t be the end of the world if he doesn’t come back.
Sometimes loving an avoidant feels like you’re riding a roller coaster. You’ll have your ups and downs but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about you.
8. Let your body speak for you
When trying to get an avoidant to chase you, another great tool that you can use is your body language. Many people underestimate its power but you can actually give him many subtle signs that you’re comfortable around him or you can make him think that you don’t miss him at all.
Your avoidant’s body language won’t be that great at all. His low self-esteem and confidence don’t allow him to express himself properly. The moment someone sees him, they’ll know he’s a shy man who’s insecure about himself but you need to show your confident side to get him to chase you.
Whatever it is that you decide, just let your body speak for you. If you want to show him that you’re relaxed, then you can lean in a bit when you talk to him but then pull back immediately.
Don’t cross your arms or let your eyes wander and don’t make gestures with your hands all the time. It’ll only make him more nervous when you’re around him and that will prevent him from opening up to you.
9. Boost his ego
This method is closely connected to the previous one. As I already mentioned, your avoidant man has low self-esteem and that may be the reason why he pulls back so often.
Perhaps he thinks that you’re out of his league or that he’s not good enough to be with you. Or it could be that he believes that you deserve to be with someone more confident than him.
Therefore, if you’re wondering how to get an avoidant to chase you, then you can try this method – boost his ego. Make sure he knows that he’s the only man you’re interested in. Tell him that he’s the best and that you don’t want anyone else but him.
Give him compliments about his intelligence, good looks, or the way he treats you. Even if he distanced himself from you, you should still say nice things about him.
Your words will mean a lot to him. They’ll lift him up and give him confidence and he’ll realize that you’re his biggest supporter and that you would never betray him.
Most guys don’t know how to react to a compliment because they’re not used to receiving them. But even though he’s shy, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t admire him or tell him how you feel. We all feel good about ourselves when someone compliments us and this will get him to chase you.
We have been together for 11months. The hot and cold, the standoffishness, it made me feel insecure and I chased him. He never leaves, but I miss the first few months. He’s very caring, but Lord, it’s a rollercoaster ride. I love him, soooo much. I am going to continue to be patient, but it’s difficult when you want to communicate. However, my enlightenment and knowledge of his personality has helped me to not give up