It’s not always easy to understand people who have an avoidant attachment style. Do love avoidants miss you after a breakup?
Let’s start from the beginning in case you’re not sure what attachment theory is. In short, it’s a psychological theory that describes the nature of the emotional bonds that develop between humans.
The first such bond we create is with our parents, and it influences the attachment we later have with romantic partners.
There are four attachment styles. Do you know what your attachment style is and means?
It can’t explain everything, but it does show a lot about why a certain type of person is attractive to you, why you keep having the same relationship problems, and why your relationships fail or succeed the way they do.
There’s a secure attachment style, anxious attachment style, avoidant attachment style, and anxious-avoidant attachment style.
People with the avoidant attachment style are often not really comfortable with intimacy. They’re self-directed and independent. They’re often commitment-phobes who tend to rationalize their way out of any intimate situation.
When someone tries to get close to an avoidant, they’ll complain about being “suffocated” or “crowded.” A lot of times, they’re paranoid that someone wants to box them in or control them.
When in a relationship, avoidants make sure to have a good exit strategy at all times. They actually construct their lifestyle so that they can avoid too much of any intimate contact or commitment.
They’re not really warm and emotionally expressive, yet they are very self-confident. They don’t like revealing themselves to the people close to them and don’t want to rely on anyone, no matter what.
A person with an avoidant attachment style is not a caregiver, and you can’t really count on them to be there for you.
Unfortunately, relationships are most of the time controlled by the person who cares least. This means that avoidants are often in control in all their relationships – both romantic and platonic.
They are the ones who are always ready and willing to leave, and that gives them control. Anxious types are completely the opposite because they allow themselves to be controlled.
Most avoidants are men, even though there are women who have this attachment style. Women more commonly possess the anxious attachment style than men.
This explains a lot, doesn’t it?
If your ex has an avoidant attachment style, you might be wondering if love avoidants actually miss you after a breakup.
Maybe your ex-boyfriend was never sure what he wanted from you and needed time to deal with his feelings. If he’s an avoidant type, it wasn’t easy to stay in a relationship with him.
Maybe your ex-girlfriend needed a lot of patience and understanding and things needed to go slowly. If she’s an avoidant type, she was a lot different than the girls you used to date.
Regardless of whether your avoidant ex is a woman or man, you might finally understand what went wrong – it had everything to do with their attachment style.
If your relationship ended, you shouldn’t blame yourself. Check for signs your ex’s avoidant attachment style is actually what’s stopping them from being with you.
How to tell your avoidant ex misses you after the breakup
The answer to whether your avoidant ex is capable of missing you after the breakup with lies not only in how they’re acting now, but also how they were when you were still together.
Let’s try to figure out if your avoidant ex misses you and if there’s a chance that you’ll get back together. Just answer the following questions.
1. Was your relationship serious?
Think about the relationship that you had with them. Was it a serious relationship and did you make plans for the future?
Did they ever talk about wanting to have a future together?
These are very important questions to ask.
And when it comes to avoidants, it’s even more important whether or not they clearly showed they wanted a serious relationship.
Do love avoidants miss you after a breakup? If they were willing to be in a serious relationship, they sure will.
A love avoidant wouldn’t plan the future with you if they didn’t really want to have one.
Maybe they broke up with you, but now they’re the ones whose social media profile is full of sad songs of a broken heart.
Seems confusing, but isn’t really that strange for an avoidant.
They miss you and wish they hadn’t given up on your relationship. When you offer to take them back though, they’ll probably run in fear anyway.
The sad songs they’re posting are signs they miss you and still care, but it doesn’t change things.
They are more likely to make you see them with a new partner to gauge if you still care too than actually tell you that they care.
Just because an avoidant cares about you doesn’t mean that they want to be in a serious relationship. If you are too different, maybe it’s for the best.
But if you’re both ready to put effort into the relationship, it might just work.
3. What did you do about the problems in your relationship?
There are problems in every relationship… it’s how couples deal with them and resolve them that makes all the difference.
Maybe you were overly jealous and couldn’t understand their attachment issues.
If that’s the case, they might not miss you and probably won’t want to get back together.
On the other hand, if you always showed them understanding, even when the fight got heated, they’ll miss you.
How could they not when it’s not easy to find someone who gets them like you did?
If you tried to resolve the problems in your relationship, they know that you fought for them.
That will surely make them wish they fought with you, not against you.
4. Do they still text you?
Your ex still keeps in touch with you and just can’t seem to finally leave you alone.
What you need to remember here is that they don’t want to hurt you or be mean to you, they just want your attention.
Due to their attachment style, they don’t know how to get your attention any other way.
They don’t know how to handle a relationship, so they end it yet still stay in touch with you.
Those texts from them just prove they miss you and still have feelings for you… but they don’t know how to behave in a relationship and keep you around.
It’s confusing to them too because they want to be with you yet don’t want to be in a committed relationship.
5. What was their relationship with their ex like and how did they break up?
Do you know about your ex’s past relationships? How did their relationship end before they started dating you?
This can be very useful to you in many ways, one of which is figuring out what they’ll do now.
If they were in a relationship with their ex for a while and broke up, did they want to reconcile with their ex? It’s probably what they’ll do with you too.
If they were in an on-and-off relationship with their ex, they will probably want to come back.
Be careful not to fall into the endless loop of an on-again and off-again relationship though.
6. Do they act weird around you?
So, do love avoidants miss you after a breakup if they act strange when you run into each other?
Does he get all weird, or try to get away from you as fast as he can so he doesn’t have to have a conversation with you or make eye contact?
You might be surprised, but this actually shows he still cares about you.
When people really end things with each other, they don’t have a strong emotional reaction to one another.
They are even capable of talking to each other like they would to any other casual acquaintance.
Avoidants often pretend not to care when they do, and it may seem like they don’t need anyone.
Having an avoidant attachment style doesn’t make them any less human though.
Even if they don’t say anything, you’ll be able to see how they feel.
Body language can say a lot, and you just need to see what’s really there, not what you expect or want to be.
It’s harder than it sounds.
7. Have they said that they’d like to stay friends with you?
Do love avoidants miss you after a breakup if they say they want to stay friends? Probably.
We’ve all heard that terrible “Let’s stay friends” breakup phrase, but some people actually mean it.
Yes, a lot of people just try to soften the blow by saying “We can still be friends.” But some might actually say it for a reason, though.
This is especially true if they said it after the breakup when there was no reason to say it. Some exes genuinely want to stay friends.
It’s very unlikely for an avoidant to ask you to stay friends even if you had a great relationship.
You know too much about them and avoidants don’t want to risk letting you hurt them with that information someday.
When they ask you to stay friends, it could mean that they’re wishing the relationship didn’t end. They miss you and regret breaking up with you.
Saying it directly and opening up is not as easy for avoidants. This is why they’ll just show that they don’t want things to end between the two of you.
8. Do they call you when they’ve had one too many?
When your ex drunk dials or texts you, it’s pretty clear that they miss you.
They can control themselves while sober, but alcohol makes them spill the beans.
While they’re sober, they do what they think is right, while drunk, they do what they want… And they wanted to call you.
Why? They are more relaxed and for a moment forget about their fear of losing their independence and getting hurt.
Avoidants feel like they must hide themselves. But they’re only human, and it’s not so easy to hide when you’re drunk.
They might even let you know about their true feelings for you and actually be honest.
People generally are more honest when they’re drunk, as it makes them speak more from the heart.
9. Do they show many narcissistic traits?
A lot of people make the mistake of thinking avoidants are narcissists. Sure, some might be, but these two terms aren’t connected.
Some avoidants can be too self-absorbed. That doesn’t mean that they’re narcissists though.
Narcissists are people who only love themselves and don’t care for anyone else. Their needs are always more important than anyone else’s.
Love avoidants, on the other hand, are often misunderstood.
They care about others, but they had bad past experiences that hurt them. They’re just trying to avoid experiencing that again.
It’s not easy for them to trust anyone and that’s why they can’t feel comfortable and relax around others.
Their attachment style is like a protective shield they use to avoid pain.
They want to protect themselves from getting hurt and betrayed by those they really love.
Do love avoidants miss you after a breakup? Most often, yes.
Do narcissists miss you after breakup? Hardly ever, really.
If your ex does show a lot of narcissistic traits though, they’re not a fearful-avoidant.
They’re just a person who cares only about themselves and they certainly won’t miss you.
If that’s the case, you shouldn’t even want them back.
10. Do they reminisce about the good times you had together?
By now, you already know that avoidants aren’t the type to be open about how they feel.
How can you then know do love avoidants miss you after a breakup?
They will show that they care by talking to you about good memories from your relationship.
It might be something big like the first time you kissed or when you met their parents… But it could also be something simple and even funny.
For example, perhaps you met at a bar and they’ll remind you how seeing you made them spill their drink.
They’re indirectly telling you that they care and remember, and that you meant something to them.
Even if you don’t get back together, they want you to know that you weren’t just a fling.
11. Did they open up to you while you were in a relationship?
Avoidants find it much harder to open up to a person than those with other attachment styles do.
You may have a very strong emotional connection… but they’ll still be afraid that you won’t be able to understand them.
If your avoidant ex actually opened up to you, you definitely earned their trust… To them, that’s even more important than love.
Did they ever tell you something in confidence? Have you told it to someone else?
If you have and they somehow found out, it might even be the reason they broke up with you in the first place.
Don’t forget that opening up to someone is incredibly hard for them.
If you had long, honest conversations and you gave them emotional support, they certainly miss that.
Even if they didn’t show it, they surely appreciated it when you helped them deal with their attachment issues.
Avoidants will always miss those rare people they truly trusted.
12. Have they been asking around about you?
Asking others to find out how you’ve been doing is something pretty typical for avoidants.
They miss you and care enough to ask others about you and how you’ve been doing.
The information is important to them, but they’re too hesitant to find out directly from you.
They want to know whether you’re happy and doing okay… and what’s going on in your love life.
Your mutual friends will probably hear from them and be asked if you’ve started dating again.
Your ex may have ended the relationship because it got serious, but now worries that you’ll be with someone else.
And there’s no better way to find out than to ask your mutual friends about it.
13. Did they tell you they love you while you were together?
Avoidants don’t easily fall in love. They first need to learn a lot about you and your past.
Only after that will they be able to give you a chance to prove yourself – and feel more comfortable in your presence.
If your avoidant ex ever said that they care deeply about you or love you, they sure meant it.
They felt confident in their feelings and your relationship.
Those feelings can’t just disappear overnight. You can’t just stop caring for someone and missing them immediately after the relationship ended.
How to stop missing someone you love? It seems impossible.
14. Do they still pay you compliments?
When your ex breaks up with you or even ghosts you (avoidants often do that), it doesn’t mean they no longer find you attractive.
And I’m not talking just about physical attraction, because they know a lot about what’s underneath the way you look.
They still see your good traits when they look at you.
You’re not just beautiful to them, but also caring, smart, and whatever else they noticed about you.
Maybe that’s even what scared your ex off, but they’ll still acknowledge it. If they’re even willing to pay you compliments, they still care for you.
It also goes without saying that looking attractive in front of your ex is one of the ways to make him miss you like crazy.
15. Does your attachment style go well with avoidant style?
If your attachment style is anxious, you’re scared that the person you love will betray you.
Anxious-avoidants are people who never feel safe in relationships.
The secure attachment style shows that you think highly both of yourself and of others.
You won’t be afraid of starting a relationship with someone you like.
People with an avoidant attachment style get along with those whose attachment style is secure. In fact, that’s best for them.
Secure people are capable of understanding avoidants’ fears and insecurities.
They will help them relax and feel comfortable with expressing their emotions.
If you have a secure attachment style, your ex will miss you. They might not be aware of it, but they already do if they’re an avoidant.
16. Are they still single?
It’s been a while since the breakup, but your ex hasn’t started dating again. What’s more, you keep seeing signs they miss you.
Even if they got involved with someone else, they texted you again after only a few days.
They still want to be with you and can’t forget you, so they just can’t fully commit to anyone else.
This can be really exhausting for you and it’s up to you whether you’ll give them a second chance or not.
At least you know that they still care, so you can relax if that’s all you wanted to know.
Sometimes, we just want to know that we meant something to our ex without wanting them back.
17. Do they try to see you?
Your ex might start showing up at places where they know they’ll see you, and it’s a sure sign they miss you.
Wherever you go, they somehow seem to pop up out of nowhere.
This is kind of weird and may even seem creepy, but they probably just want to see you and talk.
Couldn’t they just say so as a normal person would? Well, unfortunately, being “normal” doesn’t mean being straightforward.
As said before, avoidants find it especially hard to express their feelings, so they’ll often use weird methods like this.
They might even hang out at the place you regularly go to just to feel less abandoned.
Even if they abandoned you, they want you to keep having them in mind.
18. Do they try to make you jealous?
If your ex is trying to make you jealous and succeeding, you still have feelings for each other.
Just be sure that you’re not just imagining that they’re trying to make you jealous. If they are clearly happy with someone else, it’s not about you…
I know you know that, but also I know what we make ourselves believe certain things when we desperately want our ex back.
Does my ex miss me? I doubt there’s a person in the world who hasn’t asked themselves that – and many of them want their ex back.
If your ex is indeed parading their new fling in front of you, they’re sure trying to evoke the green monster inside of you.
Also, do they get jealous when they see you having a great time with someone else?
Feel free to test it… but if there aren’t any of these signs, forget about your ex and find someone who’ll never leave in the first place.