Let’s get some things straight. I’m a tough girl.
I know how to handle life on my own, without anyone’s help. At the same time, I can’t say that I wouldn’t like having someone who’d make my life even better.
Someone who’ll be there to support me and who I’ll support.
And truth be told, you were that person.
You walked into my life, swept me off my feet, and put yourself upon the throne. I fell for you, I’m not going to lie.
Right now, I could even say that I fell for you a bit too much. You’ve changed me and made me act in ways I never did before.
In the beginning, everything seemed alright, but now I realize that somewhere down the road things started to change.
It’s like you put a spell upon me and I couldn’t free myself from it.
Step by step, you’ve changed my thoughts and my beliefs.
You’ve shaped my dreams so they fit yours. Because of you, I behaved like I never used to before.
I was in love and blindly followed your every step. It’s like when you’re walking through snow and you’re putting your foot only into those places where you already see a footprint.
I can say now that I did the same thing with you.
I wanted to make you happy and it seemed like I was doing exactly that.
Who would’ve thought that by making you happy, I was making myself unhappy?
But I continued to follow you. Your advice, plans, wishes. It was like your words were golden while mine were dull.
Whatever you said always made much more sense in my head than the words I expressed.
I lost myself in our relationship. I see that now.
Instead of thinking clearly with my own mind, I always waited for you to tell me what you want.
Everything became about you. I stopped doing things you didn’t like and started mirroring your actions.
I rejected job positions you didn’t approve of and chose those you thought suit me better.
It’s like I was brainwashed and my own opinions and thoughts evaporated from my head. They disappeared and you had total control over me.
To be honest, I never realized what was going on with me. My family and friends always asked me if I was happy and I genuinely thought that I was.
I stopped going out with them because I was tired of listening to that question.
“Why are they asking me that when they can clearly see that I’m happy?” I convinced myself.
It never dawned on me what my relationship looked like when observed from the outside.
I never realized how hard I was fighting to live up to your expectations, while you weren’t lifting a finger for me.
It all seemed perfectly fine in my head.
Until one day…
We were home and I remember I was reading something. I asked you what you would do if you lost me.
Would it be hard for you to move on?
I told you that I had no idea how my life would look without you.
It would be empty and sad as I thought that you were the one who made the sun shine brighter.
You gave me an answer that made something click in my head:
“Well, what would I do? I’d move on with my life. It’s not like you’re a piece of me that prevents me from living my life when removed.”
Wow! Those words hit straight in my heart.
I realized that you don’t care about me at all. I only made it up in my head.
You aren’t the one I present to others. It’s only an idea of you that I’ve created in my head.
You’re not the one I want to spend the rest of my life with and your words gave you away.
You were pretending so well, it would’ve probably worked for longer if only you kept your mouth shut.
But once you said them, you lost me. You lost me that second you acted like losing me didn’t matter.
I went to bed and started thinking about our relationship: Am I really making it up or are you actually treating me right?
And then, piece by piece, the illusion of you fell like dominos. Piece by piece, I realized that you don’t love me and that I don’t love you.
I only loved the idea of you that I created, and I made myself truly believe it.
All those words said to me by my friends and family finally made sense. You were making me unhappy.
That tough girl I used to be has lost her wings and she doesn’t know how to fly anymore.
She’s not making opportunities for herself anymore. Instead, she’s following the one who’ll shape her into what he wants and let her live in a cage.
You never stopped me from taking a job because it was bad for me. You did it because you were afraid that I would prove myself better than you.
That was your fear and you had no idea how to control it, so you thought to try to shape your words in a way I’d want to hear them:
“It’s all for your own good.” I believed in them, so you continued with your game.
You didn’t ban me from going to the gym because I could hurt myself.
You did it because you were afraid that I would meet someone better who would help me understand how bad of a person you are.
I didn’t move to your place so we could spend more time together.
You made me do it because you wanted to have me in your sight at all times, so you could control me better.
How foolish I was for trusting you.
I’ve lost all of the people I cared about thinking that you’re the only one whose intentions are real.
Who would’ve thought that the one who was supposed to make my life brighter was only making it darker?
Day by day, you had painted my days into grey and I was letting you do that.
But it all stooped that night when I asked you that question and you acted like losing me didn’t matter.
That’s when you lost me.
P.S. You’re never getting me back!