Out of the blue, you receive a message from your ex saying, “Hello,” but then after a couple of exchanged texts, he becomes distant and doesn’t answer anything. So, you start wondering, “Why is my ex hot and cold?”
The thing is, your relationship ended a while ago. Even after all this time, your ex acts hot and cold and you don’t know how to interpret it.
There are times when you think that your ex wants to get back together with you or he may even admit that he’s still in love with you. He keeps calling to see how you’ve been doing and he seems jealous of your new life.
All the facts point to that he misses you, even though it’s difficult for you to accept that.
Then, surprisingly, the next day his behavior changes. Suddenly, he stops responding to you and starts ignoring you.
If you can relate to this situation, then you need to understand that your ex is playing the hot and cold game with you. His mind games are confusing and you have no idea where you two stand.
You want to believe that he’s still into you but his cold behavior is telling you otherwise. Your heart starts beating faster every time you see his name on your phone but you don’t know how to respond and not look needy.
Let me tell you that you’ve come to the right place because you’re about to get the answers you so desperately need.
Why is my ex hot and cold? 8 possible reasons
Going through a heartbreak alone can have a tremendous effect on your mental health. While trying to process your emotions, you’re certainly going to think about the reasons why it happened.
On top of that, if your wish is to get back together with him but he’s playing the hot and cold game, that can lead to even more confusion your end. By knowing why your ex is hot and cold, you’ll be able to determine what your next step will be.
1. He wants to remain friends with you
Have you considered the possibility that you’ve misinterpreted your ex’s behavior? That he doesn’t want to get back together with you at all?
Is it possible that you’re just imagining things and that your heart is playing tricks on you? Perhaps you’re making a big deal of your ex just liking your social media posts and sending you text messages?
I know what you’re thinking. “But he’s cold toward me, so doesn’t that mean he’s unsure about his feelings?”
While that could be true, there’s also a chance he’s just trying to be friendly. Maybe he’s being polite or nice to you and not because he wants to get together with you but because he wants to know how you’re handling the break-up.
At first, it may be hard for you to believe in this since you two were in a serious relationship. You’re going through a roller coaster of emotions right now and that’s why you’re thinking that there’s no way your avoidant ex wants to just be your friend.
But on the other hand, it actually makes the most sense. You went through a lot together and he may still have feelings for you but not the ones you have.
It could be that your ex is hot and cold because he doesn’t love you romantically anymore but he still cares about you. He doesn’t hate you in any way and instead wants what’s best for you.
Your ex misses you and wants to be part of your life but he doesn’t want to take on the role of your boyfriend again. However, you misinterpreted his kindness and see it as either mixed signals or a sign that he’s still in love with you.
2. He’s in a new relationship
“My ex is hot and cold. Why does he act that way?”
Well, it could be that your ex-boyfriend is in a new relationship and you don’t know anything about it. Even though you’re not aware of it, this new relationship is dictating the tempo of your communication.
While it seems to you that he’s sending you mixed signals, the way he behaves toward you depends on what’s going on in his relationship. He disappears every time his romance is going well.
He pulls away from you, you don’t hear from him for days, and he doesn’t text or call to see how you’re doing. It’s even that he doesn’t even keep track of your social media like he used to.
But suddenly, here he comes again, acting like nothing ever happened. It’s like he’s a different person whenever he reappears in your life.
There’s a possibility he’s acting that way because his new relationship has entered a crisis and he’s finding comfort in you. It could be that he realized how much you care for him and that no other person could love him like you did.
Maybe the two of them got into a fight and it’s easier for him to talk to you than to be upfront with his new partner. Either way, he gives you the impression that you’re one step away from getting back together while keeping his distance from you.
What you don’t know is that he’s using you to overcome the issues in his relationship.
Remember that a man will never talk about his new relationship with his ex, unless you broke up on good terms and remained friends. Instead, he’ll do anything he can to keep it a secret.
3. He hasn’t processed the break-up
Another common reason why your ex acts hot and cold is that he still hasn’t processed the break-up in a normal and healthy way. This could happen even if he was the one to break up with you.
Truthfully, many people think that the person walking away is completely aware of what they’re doing. They believe that they’re 100% sure about their decision and that they won’t have any doubts about breaking up.
It doesn’t seem logical for the other person to have second thoughts because it was their decision but in practice, things don’t always turn out that way. Maybe your ex made an impulsive choice to leave you and now he regrets it.
You need to keep in mind that he is a human being who makes mistakes. I know that this hot and cold situation is tearing you apart but be patient and you’ll see how easy it is to decipher a man’s intentions.
There’s a possibility your ex hasn’t processed his feelings yet and he’s upset that you’re no longer in a romantic relationship. There are times when he wants you back and when he acts as if he still has feelings for you.
But there are days when he’s sure about your break-up and when he treats you like all his other exes. During those times, he sets boundaries and lets you know that he made the right decision.
So, to answer your question, “Why is my ex hot and cold?” it could possibly be that this person hasn’t accepted that it’s over. He’s giving his all to survive the post-breakup period and that’s why his behavior changes by the hour.
4. He’s testing you
Have you asked yourself whether or not your ex left you because you weren’t giving him enough attention? Maybe he always felt like he wasn’t enough for you and that you were always benching him?
If that’s the case, then it’s likely that he’s testing you and he’s using the hot and cold game to see how you’ll react. He sees the break-up as an opportunity for you to emotionally grow and learn your lesson.
He doesn’t want to spend the rest of his life without you and instead, he’s using this situation to strengthen the connection you two share. While he may use the no contact rule and not talk to you for a brief period of time, that doesn’t mean he’s over you.
He’s using reverse psychology for you to realize your mistakes. After all, it’s true what people say – we only start appreciating something or someone once we’ve lost it.
Don’t forget that absence makes the heart grow fonder. This hot and cold game is nothing more than a test you need to pass if you ever wish to get back together.
So, ask yourself whether you’re ready to put in more effort and fight for him. Can you see your future without him or are you going to let go of him without lifting a finger?
Will you accept your break-up and watch him be happy with another girl? If this is the case, then you don’t need any relationship advice because the choice is all yours but if you want your ex back, then fight.
Keep in mind that your ex is doing this because he wants you to try a little bit harder.
Don’t think that he feels as if you need to beg him to come back to you, as that’s not true at all. He wants to see the warrior side of yours where you’ll put at least the minimum amount of effort into winning him back.
5. He has trust issues
Perhaps your ex doesn’t want to push you out of his life and instead wants to reconcile. However, he doesn’t trust you enough yet to make that happen.
Most of us have a hard time realizing and apologizing for our mistakes and wrongdoings. If you’re one of them then you need to face the truth and think about what you did wrong in your relationship.
The fact is your ex has still feelings for you but while he still loves you with all of his heart, it’s tough for him to believe you because you violated his trust somehow. Whatever it is that you think about your ex, the truth is that he’s hurting because of you.
You made him expect the worst from you so now he’s scared of getting you back into his life and giving your love a second chance. That’s why he’s acting hot and cold, to protect himself from being hurt again.
He can’t give you another chance until he’s completely sure that you won’t repeat the same mistakes twice. So, think of this period as some sort of test.
He’s giving you mixed signals because he isn’t even sure whether or not he should stay away from you. It’s up to you to admit to what you’ve done wrong and work on changing yourself.
Show him that you’re a different person who won’t break his heart again. You have to put in the effort in order to regain his trust.
He wants you to keep on fighting for him and show him that giving you a second chance is worth the risk.
If this is the case, then don’t play with him or his emotions to get him back. It’s futile to fight for a guy when you’re certain you don’t have a future with him.
6. He’s struggling with his own emotions
I know that you’ve been in a situation before where your heart was telling you one thing and your mind another. And you probably knew what the right thing to do was but your emotions were keeping you from doing so.
There’s a real chance that your ex is going through the same emotional roller coaster as you did. He’s not just struggling with you, he’s also struggling with his inner self and his feelings.
Therefore, he’s in a constant state of dilemma where he questions his decision to leave you. He’s aware that his feelings for you haven’t changed but he firmly believes that getting back together would be disastrous.
He likely accepted the fact that you two are incompatible and that you wouldn’t stay together for too long if you were to reconcile. But every time he sees or hears from you, his heart skips a beat again and he becomes overwhelmed with all those emotions.
That’s why he asks himself the same question of whether it would be better to walk away and fall in love with someone else. And if he did, would he ever get over you completely?
So, if you’re wondering, “Why is my ex hot and cold?” it could be because these questions are making him doubt his decision and it’s the reason why he’s playing mind games with you.
There are times when his heart gets in the way and when he can’t control his feelings but there are times when his mind wins and he starts ignoring you again.
7. He feels threatened
There’s a possibility that your ex feels threatened by your presence and that’s the reason why he’s hot and cold. The truth is, it could be that he thinks you may trick him to get him back into your life and give your love another chance.
To prevent that from happening, he builds walls around his heart that serve to keep you at a safe distance.
As a result of his emotions, every time you come near him, he feels threatened by you. He’s afraid that you’ll manage to destroy his walls and that you’ll find a way back into his life.
If you find yourself in a situation like this, keep in mind that your ex isn’t running away from you. He’s actually running away from himself and from the feelings he still has for you.
He’s struggling to accept that it’s over between you two and is afraid that you’ll be able to deceive him into being in a relationship again.
8. He’s reminiscing about the good old days
“Why is my ex hot and cold?” you may be asking. Well, while it may be true that he stopped loving you, the moments you two shared aren’t that easy to forget.
You see, when you spend a lot of time with someone, you can’t easily forget the times you laughed and smiled together. Despite not having feelings for a person you used to love, you can still be nostalgic and reminisce about the good old days.
And who knows, maybe your ex is scared of moving on without you. You gave him a sense of belonging and security that no one ever could.
He was comfortable around you and felt safe to express his emotions. Even if he stopped loving you, he has a hard time admitting his indifference, and it’s difficult for him to let you go.
So, every time he has to face a tough challenge, he seeks shelter in your comfort, but then he disappears again. That’s why you think of this situation as him being hot and cold.
Do these 3 things if your ex is hot and cold
Social media is inevitably used in today’s modern dating. Even if you’re not actually dating him anymore, you can use your social media profiles to your advantage.
I understand that you had the urge to stalk your ex’s profiles when you broke up and that’s fine. Don’t feel guilty about this, since everyone does it.
But people often use their profiles to send their ex a message. If you post sad songs that remind him of your relationship or post sad quotes and updates, then your ex will know that you miss him.
Also, people use their profiles to make an ex jealous, by posting photos that show they’re having a great time.
Neither of these approaches works efficiently if he’s playing mind games with you but either way, if you do this, he’ll know where and with whom you’re spending your time and you won’t be mysterious at all.
The best thing to do instead is slow down with your social media posts. Keep yourself quiet and make him wonder where you are and what you’ve been up to.
2. Prove to him that you can make it on your own
Being in a position where you depend on your partner is the worst thing that can happen to anyone. You count on him to lift you up whenever you’re feeling sad and after some time, it seems as if you can’t make it on your own.
However, if your ex is hot and cold and you don’t know what to do, just prove to him that you won’t be doomed even if he isn’t part of your life anymore. Use this time to work on your self-confidence and self-esteem and on becoming a true superwoman.
Don’t bother analyzing his every message or call and also don’t obsess over your failed relationship. Instead, focus on reconnecting with your friends and go out and have fun with those who genuinely love you.
Work on achieving your goals and dreams. Read books, go on trips and find a new hobby.
On top of that, you should work on your physical appearance as well. Hit the gym or go on a hike with a friend.
This won’t just keep you from falling into a dark place but it’ll also relieve you of stress and negative energy as well. Whatever it is that you decide, don’t do it to make him feel bad about himself.
Your end goal shouldn’t be to show him what he has lost. Work on reconnecting with yourself for your own sake.
You’ll do this because you are in control of your own life and not him.
3. Talk to him directly
If you’re tired of the entire situation and you want to know what his intentions are, then it’s time to bring up the subject and talk to him directly. Even if he refuses to meet up with you at first, tell him that both of you will benefit from it.
If you want to get him back, be aware of your tone, and don’t be arrogant. Just be honest about your emotions and tell him that he can’t play you for a fool.
If you do decide to suggest to him to give your love another chance, tell him he doesn’t have to answer right away. Instead, give him a certain period of time and if he doesn’t reply, then you’ll know he wasn’t the man for you.
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