Think aloud
Does he tell you that he wants to be with you, but then immediately leave when things start to get serious? Why does he come and go whenever it suits him, and what should you do when someone keeps coming back into your life?
A lot of people have been in this situation. One moment everything seems perfectly fine and it’s all sunshine and rainbows, until suddenly your relationship takes a turn for the worse.
Perhaps you had a full-blown fight and he decided to end things with you, only to come back and beg you to give him a second chance months later. But why would he even break up with you in the first place when he knows that he’ll come back to you?
Well, that is something that we’re going to cover today, as well as what you can do when someone keeps coming back into your life.
Like a broken record, your ex may choose to enter and exit the relationship without any apparent reason. And this leaves you confused and upset because you don’t know whether or not he’s being serious about you.
Perhaps he shows you in his own way that he cares about you, but has some commitment issues that are keeping him from maintaining a serious relationship with you.
Or it could be that he’s a narcissist who only keeps you around to get his ego boost whenever he needs it.
There are various reasons someone may keep coming back into your life. But what you decide to do about it determines whether you’ll experience heartbreak or emotionally heal and move on from your toxic ex.
Why does he keep coming back into your life?
1. He’s not interested in a relationship
Let’s say that the guy you like keeps coming in and out of your life repeatedly and now you want to know what his goal is. Well, it could be that he really likes you but he’s just not interested in pursuing a relationship with you.
He’s not confused or unsure about his feelings. He doesn’t want to lead you along for the sake of it, but he’s not interested in being in a romantic relationship with you.
He keeps rejecting his friends because he likes spending time with you, yet he simply doesn’t want to commit. And this could happen for a number of reasons.
For one, there’s a possibility that something’s happening in his life right now and that’s why he has commitment issues. Perhaps he’s not in the right headspace and knows he can’t give you everything that you need or the attention you deserve.
He only knows that he feels great when he’s around you and he may even call you his best friend. In reality, you’re curing him emotionally and he needs to be with you if he wants to keep his sanity.
You’re the only one who gives him the much-needed strength to keep going and he’s afraid that if he loses you, he’ll completely snap.
2. He’s lonely
We humans need company. Some may say that we crave it and can’t feel emotionally satisfied if we don’t have someone beside us.
So, the reason this man keeps coming in and out of your life could simply be that he’s looking for company. He doesn’t genuinely love you with all of his heart, nor does he have romantic feelings for you, but he still wants you around.
Perhaps he feels alone without anyone else to rely on. You know those feelings can have a tremendous impact on a man’s mental health. It causes a sense of hopelessness, sadness, and more.
Even if he decides firmly that he’ll leave you for good, it’s only a matter of time before these feelings set in for him. As a consequence, he contacts you again and asks if he can spend some time with you.
And let’s face it, why would he be alone and let those awful emotions get the best of him when he knows he can come back into your life and pretend nothing ever happened.
He knows that you’ll probably give him a second chance because you feel the same way about him. And while there’s always the possibility that you don’t love him, you’d rather not feel lonely and therefore welcome his company too.
3. He doesn’t know what he wants
The first time you heard a guy say “It’s not you, it’s me,” you probably thought he was lying. But we all have periods in our lives when we honestly don’t know what we want or need.
Perhaps he has certain feelings for you, but those emotions change day by day. So, instead of keeping you hanging, he walks away. However, when he misses your company, he tries to find a way back to you again.
So, no wonder you’re confused about him because he’s feeling the same way.
The real question that you need to ask yourself is if you’re prepared to wait for him to decide what he wants. And I’m sure that you’re not interested in waiting for him forever.
Let’s face it, there’s no guarantee he’s going to choose you in the end. And you don’t want to be that ex-girlfriend who refuses to move on because she secretly hopes that he’ll choose her eventually.
If you do that, you’ll only be wasting a lot of your precious time and energy.
The best thing to do is give it a time limit and promise yourself you’ll stick to it. Decide how much more you can take and are willing to put up with before you’ll call it quits.
Don’t lose control over your own life just because he isn’t sure what he wants.
4. He’s started seeing other people
If your guy keeps coming back into your life even if he doesn’t love you, that may be a sign that he’s seeing other people.
Perhaps you heard it from your mutual friends or saw from his social media posts that he’s having fun with other girls, it doesn’t really matter. The truth is, he’s afraid to commit to one girl and would rather play the field as much as he can.
Maybe he doesn’t consider that being in a relationship also means you’re exclusive and loyal to one partner. That’s a conversation for the two of you to have together.
After all, you also have to agree to have an open relationship if you really want that. The benefit of it is that you can date other guys as well, but as I said, it may not be what you want.
On the other hand, if you confront him about it and say that you would rather label your relationship as exclusive, that may scare him into leaving you and not coming back.
5. He doesn’t want anyone else to have you
If you’ve been in a toxic relationship then you know what it means to have someone play mind games with you. For those people, love is nothing more than a means to an end.
Some men can be really possessive and see you as some sort of property rather than a human being. Even though he doesn’t have the mental capacity to commit to you, he doesn’t want anyone else to have you.
So, that’s why he keeps coming back into your life.
He can’t stand the fact that you may meet someone else, someone better than him, and give your heart to him. So, he robs you of the opportunity and makes your life a living hell.
Perhaps he’s told you that he won’t get in your way of dating other guys, but as soon as you find someone new, he contacts you and tells you how he can’t live without you.
But the fact is you don’t belong to him, despite everything he tells you. If he refuses to commit to you and gives you half-truths and empty promises, while throwing himself back in your arms as soon as you move on with someone new, then he’s not the one for you.
It’s hard for him to get back to the real world and face the fact that he’s lost you forever.
6. He’s not over his ex
His wish is to move on and be with you, but something in his heart isn’t letting him.
He wants you to feel like you’re living in a fairy tale, but whenever he starts getting close, he completely shuts off and pulls away from you because he can’t deal with the reality of the situation.
Then, once he finally comes to his senses and recognizes what he’s lost, he comes back again for more.
What’s happening is that he’s not completely over his ex and still has feelings for her. The burden of his past relationship is too heavy and that’s why he keeps coming back into your life.
Those feelings he has for her are creating a barrier between you two, and only an honest conversation can really solve the issue. So confront him about it and try to work out exactly where you stand.
I know that it may be hard for you at first to deal with this kind of pressure, but it’ll give you an answer either way.
7. He’s been hurt before
The reason someone keeps coming back into your life could be that they want to keep a distance from you in order to not get hurt again.Â
Maybe the last time you saw each other, he told you that he likes you and that he wants to be with you, but he can’t be in a relationship with you because he’s trying to protect himself from getting hurt.
Simply put, he doesn’t want to break up with you, but at the same time, he can’t allow himself to fall in love. This explains why he keeps coming in and out of your life.
You’re always the protagonist of his thoughts, despite him trying to protect himself.
If you want to have a healthy relationship with him, then you need to talk about it and reassure him that you have no intentions of hurting him.
Promise him that you’ll keep it slow and let him decide the pace your relationship should take. When you begin trusting each other, that’s when he’ll start opening up to you and see that you mean him no harm.
8. He wants to keep his options open
There are men out there who refuse to label what you have, just because they’re not ready to commit. He may enjoy spending time with you but want to keep things casual because he doesn’t think you’re his soulmate.
Some men simply love feeling free and have a hard time giving it up for the sake of being loved by another. They don’t want to settle down with one person and instead love to play the field to see who else is out there.
9. He only wants to use you
Being physical with someone doesn’t have to involve any feelings at all. Truthfully, your man might not be interested in a relationship at all but only want to use you for his needs.
But how can you be sure that he only wants to hook up with you?
Ask yourself this – what is the first thing he wants after coming back into your life? Is he doing anything he can to get you to his bedroom?
If he tries to skip the date altogether, then that’s a red flag that he isn’t being serious about you at all.
10. He’s bored
When someone keeps coming back into your life, it could be that they are bored and just enjoy spending time with you. But as soon as other things happen in his life, then he walks away from you and you don’t hear from him for a couple of weeks.
This certainly isn’t a relationship you want to be in. If you really like this guy, then you can friend zone him and date other guys in the meantime.
This gives you an opportunity to meet other people and to hang out with him from time to time. Eventually, when he figures out what he wants, you can have the talk and decide on your next step.
What you CAN and CAN’T do when someone keeps coming back into your life
1. Trigger his hero instinct
If you’re not ready to give up on your ex so easily and you want to give your love another chance, but you don’t know how to attract him again, then you can capitalize on his hero instinct.
It’s a rather new concept in psychology that deals with a man’s need to feel appreciated and valued.
The gist of it is that every man needs to feel like he has a purpose. He wants to know that he can contribute in some way to your relationship. Only then will he be attracted to you again.
That doesn’t mean you have to act like a damsel in distress, but you need to give him an opportunity to prove himself to you and himself. So, whenever something in your house needs fixing or you need advice, call him and ask him if he would mind helping you out.
Give your man more of the feelings he craves and he’ll commit to you in no time.
2. Decide when to end things
I understand that him coming in and out of your life can hurt your self-esteem and mental health, so that’s why you need to decide whether you’ll take him back or say that enough is enough and end things.
But this is a decision that it’s entirely up to you. You’ll know when won’t be able to continue with your almost-relationship.
No one else can know when it becomes too big of a burden to bear. You know how much it affects you every time he decides to leave you and then comes back again.
And when you finally choose your path, you need to be persistent and stand by it. You can’t do things halfway and expect things to get better.
If you don’t want this man anymore, then you need to do what needs to be done, without hesitation.
This is an important decision, so don’t rush into it, but you need to make it at some point.
3. Cut him off
Another thing that you can do when someone keeps coming back into your life is to cut them off completely. And you can start by ignoring the person and not answering their messages or calls.
That means that you should use the no-contact rule. Delete his number, block him on all social media profiles, and do whatever else is needed to cut off any communication with him.
It’s normal to feel tempted to send him a text message when it’s his birthday or something similar, but you need to focus on your end goal and stand your ground.
Don’t think about taking him back even if he shows that he’s a changed man. Trust me, men rarely do change and even if they do, it’s almost always because they want something from you.
My advice to you is to put as many obstacles as you possibly can between you two. Keep him out of your life, both physically and mentally, at all costs. Because if he can’t reach you in any way, then he won’t be able to come back to you.
4. Focus on your self-development
Usually, when someone keeps coming back into your life, it’s because they need you for some reason. Perhaps your ex seeks validation from you or is simply lonely and doesn’t know what he wants in life.
But why should you give all of your attention to him? Does he deserve it? And do your emotions and needs matter to him?
If not, then it’s clearly time to give yourself a break and focus on your self-development. I understand that everything in your heart will say “He’s the love of my life, I should give him another chance.” But that’s exactly what you need to avoid.
You have to listen to your mind instead of heart, and turn the tables around. The only way you’ll do that is to shift your attention to yourself and work on improving self-love.
Rushing back into a broken relationship rarely ends well. So, you need to carve out time to get better in all ways before you even consider giving him another chance.
5. Don’t try to change him
The most difficult thing to accept is that it’s okay not to be perfect. Every man and woman has their own flaws that they want to change. But the key is to be willing to put in enough effort to do so.
The worst mistake you can make is to try to force him to change when he thinks that he’s perfect the way he is.
And you can’t make him love you if he still has feelings for his ex. You can confront him about it and point out that he needs to take care of his past first before giving your love another chance. But you can’t do the work for him.
With that, stop thinking that you can fix him. He has to do that himself. If he doesn’t want to change, then he’ll simply stay the way he is and he’ll keep coming back into your life.
But remember, you’re not a rehab center for immature and emotionally unavailable men.
6. Turn over a new leaf
All this time he’s been holding you back, so why should you wait for him to come to his senses?
Start building the future that you want for yourself and do things that make you truly happy. Explore new hobbies, travel more, spend more time with your loved ones.
Push yourself forward and learn that your happiness only depends on you and no one else.
