Feelings can be tricky to understand.
Sometimes, we have a hard time understanding our partner because of a lack of communication or even miscommunication, but what if you’re dating an emotionally unavailable man?
How do you connect with him on a deeper level? Can you even penetrate through the barriers that he created?
Those are some of the questions most women face when they’re dating an emotionally unavailable man.
It’s a task that very few tend to tackle because it drains so much energy from a person.
An emotionally unavailable person is someone who’s unable to connect with their own emotions or their partner’s.
If you’re in a relationship with such a guy, then you know how frustrating and confusing it can get.
Those never-ending conflicts that occur seem to be deeply embedded in the core of your relationship.
Few people know what causes that emotional unavailability, and very few think about or even dare to reach out and connect with that particular person.
You have to keep in mind that emotionally unavailable men appear everywhere in life and you can’t avoid them.
You might think you saved yourself from being heartbroken only to find out that the man you’re dating changed and became emotionally unavailable.
Women tend to be attracted to these types of men, mostly because they think they can make them change.
They think they can be the cause of their transformation but most of them end up being heartbroken and lonely.
That said, don’t be discouraged. After the rain always comes the sun, and that can be applied to your situation as well.
If you know what to do, you can help him realize the real cause of his emotional disturbance, which will trigger the changes that need to happen inside him.
So, that’s what I’m going to explain here in this article.
I’ll try to give you advice on how to help him change and how to connect with him on a deeper emotional level.
It may seem impossible at first, but be patient and remember this: When one door closes, another one opens.
Don’t be discouraged if you fail the first time. You never know, he might be the right one, he just needs a little push to open up to you.
First, it’s important to know some of the signs of an emotionally unavailable man, which you need to know before trying to connect with him.
So, what are some characteristics of an emotionally unavailable man?
He has a hard time opening up about his feelings.
A very common sign of an emotionally unavailable man is when he shows very few or barely any actual feelings for you.
Even if you try your hardest, he has his guard up and doesn’t want to speak his mind.
For example, an emotionally unavailable man won’t talk about his bad day at work but rather sit alone, be grumpy, and act like nothing happened.
If you ask him what’s wrong, he won’t tell you anything because he doesn’t want to confide in you.
Another trait of an emotionally unavailable man is that he isn’t comfortable when you share your own emotions.
It’s common for such men to not be supportive or receptive when you express your own feelings.
Why? Because he can’t cope with his own emotions, so he has a difficult time accepting anyone else’s.
He doesn’t want you to open up to him and be vulnerable because you might expect him to do the same thing, but he can’t do that.
An emotionally unavailable man doesn’t know how to handle emotions; not just his own, but yours as well.
It’s difficult to have a healthy and successful relationship with such a guy since much of it depends on having a partner with whom you can talk about everything, someone who’s always there for you.
Sometimes all we need is a shoulder to cry on and a helping hand and it can be disappointing knowing that you don’t have that in your partner.
Whether or not you’re going to be successful in connecting with your emotionally unavailable man depends on you recognizing the signs.
Such a man will always choose physical intimacy over emotional intimacy.
Most men who are emotionally unavailable will choose to be physical with you before trying to connect with you on a deeper level.
What a surprise, right?
They simply cannot handle the messiness, complications, or seriousness that emotions can bring into a relationship, which is why they choose physical intimacy over emotional bonding.
Being emotionally detached means he’ll pull back every time you try to have a deep and meaningful conversation with him.
The last characteristic I want to mention here, which I deem to be very important, is that an emotionally unavailable man won’t make an effort in your relationship.
I wanted to mention this because most women might be confused about whether their partner loves them or is simply being emotionally unavailable.
We all want someone who makes us feel great and wonderful, someone who makes an effort to make us smile and happy.
However, an emotionally unavailable man won’t make an effort. He might not care enough for you, or doesn’t see a future with you; it doesn’t matter.
Either way, it’s a huge red flag that you’re dating an emotionally unavailable man.
After reading these traits, you might wonder whether it’s even possible for an emotionally unavailable man to love a woman.
The answer is yes, he can. They are human, just like the rest of us.
The difference is that they have suffered a trauma, possibly in their childhood, that made them create a great emotional wall to protect themselves from being hurt again.
That said, it doesn’t mean they aren’t capable of love. It’s just that they avoid it to protect themselves instead of intentionally hurting a girl’s feelings.
How do you know whether he’s ready to change and put in the effort to create an emotional connection with you?
Well, he’ll start to open up to you about his past. His past experiences contribute a great deal to the lack of commitment that he shows.
If he starts to open up about his past private life, that could mean he’s ready to change and let go of the old baggage that has kept him from forming a stronger emotional connection with you.
Also, if he starts accepting your opinions, then you’ll know he’s falling in love with you.
Maybe he’ll include you more in his decision-making or he’ll start listening to your advice about certain things.
For him, asking for your opinion is a big step and not one which he would take lightly.
Now you might be wondering how to connect with an emotionally unavailable man.
Do you confront him directly or take a more gentle approach and try to make him figure it out by himself?
Well, here’s what you should do:
1. Recognize the signs
The first step you should take while trying to connect to your emotionally unavailable man is to recognize the signs.
I listed some of them above, but I want to add one more and that’s communication.
Women often tend to overlook this sign because it can connect to many other problems that your relationship might have.
However, it’s also a sign that your partner is emotionally unavailable.
Inconsistency in communication is a great indication that your partner is afraid of opening up about his feelings.
2. Figure out what causes his emotional unavailability
If you thought there was just one type of emotional unavailability, you would be incorrect. There are two kinds: temporary and permanent.
Knowing which one your partner possesses can be crucial in determining whether you’re going to be successful or not in connecting with him.
Temporary emotional unavailability is caused by different external factors such as a shift in priorities, or when your partner can’t give your feelings time or attention.
Maybe he had a hard day at work and doesn’t have the strength or energy to listen to you at the time, or maybe someone he loved passed away, and he’s upset by their death.
Sometimes, a certain trauma can have a great impact on a person’s feelings, just like heartbreak does.
When we experience it, most of us tend to build up walls around us to prevent it from ever happening again.
Being emotionally unavailable isn’t usually a choice and sometimes it can be linked to certain health issues.
You must recognize which type of emotional unavailability your man has because what you do next depends on it.
If it’s temporary, then you can let time heal his wounds and help your partner get through that period by being there for him.
But if he suffers from a permanent type, then you should ask him to get professional help, since you can’t do much about it.
3. Express what you need from him if you want to connect with an emotionally unavailable man
The best way to connect with an emotionally unavailable man is to express what you need and what you expect from him in your relationship.
If you expect a man to be there for you through thick and thin, then say it.
If you want a man to wipe away your tears and stand up against other people when they hurt you, then say that to him.
Don’t hold back, unless you want to have a lousy relationship.
If you want a man to listen to you and with whom you can share your struggles and victories, then go ahead and tell him.
The worst thing you can do is hold those things within yourself.
Eventually, you’ll accumulate enough negative emotions that you’ll become miserable or disheartened.
Do you really want to feel that way? Do you really think that that’s the purpose of having a man beside you, to make you sad or depressed?
No, it’s not.
So, if you want to have a healthy relationship and if you want to connect with an emotionally unavailable man, then reveal your secrets to him and be honest.
Also, be realistic. If you know your man is emotionally unavailable, then don’t expect him to be excited about listening to you or supporting you.
You should definitely give him a chance to respond, but also guard your heart against being broken.
4. Create a safe environment for him to open up to you
Essentially, what you can do while trying to connect with him is create a safe environment in which he can safely talk to you about his emotions.
However, you shouldn’t overreact or freak out if he doesn’t pour out his heart to you.
You also shouldn’t react with your own emotional pain from the past because it’ll prevent him from opening up to you.
Create a safe space where you two can share your thoughts and feelings.
Men are very cautious when talking about their emotions.
They think they should follow certain social norms that tell them not to be vulnerable or open about them.
However, that’s not always the case. They know how to express their feelings, they just have to feel safe and secure.
This is quite important when you’re dealing with an emotionally unavailable man and when you want to connect with him.
5. Don’t try to fix something that’s already broken
You can bang your head against a wall, scream, shout and let it all out, but you won’t change him. You can’t do that.
Despite your promises, he won’t open up to you and he won’t change if he doesn’t realize he needs to.
Never try to fix or change him. If you want to help him realize he’s being emotionally unavailable, then you have to put in some extra work.
If he isn’t ready to put in the effort and establish that deep emotional connection with you, then he won’t change.
You have to let go of the illusion that your love can change a person, and that it can help him open up to you. It can’t.
He created those walls around him for a reason, and the only thing you can do is help him notice them.
It’s up to him to break them and free himself from the burden he has carried for so long.
6. Make him aware when he’s being emotionally unavailable
If you want to connect with an emotionally unavailable man, he needs to be aware of his inability to create that deep emotional connection.
If he doesn’t acknowledge it, then all of your efforts are in vain.
So ask yourself this: Has he accepted the fact that he’s emotionally unavailable or is it something you noticed about him?
Confronting your partner about such an issue can quickly backfire, so be careful.
It’s important that you speak your mind but don’t demand that he change because you won’t be able to create a connection with him.
That’s not how it works. You shouldn’t demand a change since the connection that you’ll establish after won’t last long.
He needs to change on his own.
7. Accept him the way he is, even if that means he’s emotionally unavailable
How to connect to an emotionally unavailable man?
Well, learn how to love him fully and unconditionally, even if that means he’s emotionally unavailable right now.
You have to accept him for who he is because it’ll give you an opportunity to connect with him on a deeper level.
If you learn to accept him then you’ll love him the way he is.
You don’t want to fix him, because you can’t do that. It’s impossible to make someone change by force.
On the other hand, if you love his quirks and qualities, you’re actually able to deepen your relationship and create a safe environment where he can express his feelings without being afraid that he’ll end up being hurt once more.
This includes you accepting his emotional unavailability. You chose him, you haven’t been forced to be with someone you don’t like.
You should give up on trying to change him and instead, learn to love him the way he is right now.
8. Try to explain to him how his behavior affects your mental and emotional health
By now, you’ve learned that creating a connection with an emotionally unavailable man requires a lot of effort and time.
How you might ask? Well, the situation can cause you to feel rejected by him and unimportant to him.
It’s very upsetting knowing that someone doesn’t care about your emotions and it can also decrease your self-esteem.
You might feel like you don’t have the energy for anything other than fighting for him to create that emotional connection.
Over time, those emotions can be bottled up and you end up becoming depressed.
You may mimic his behavior, so you might even become emotionally unavailable just like him.
Eventually, you end up being in a relationship where both partners have their walls up. You shouldn’t settle for that.
It’s important that you notice how your behavior changes.
If it shifts in a way you don’t like, then you should consider whether or not he’s worth your time.
9. Let him manage his own feelings
Sometimes it’s for the best to let him manage his own feelings because you’re not the one responsible for them.
That means if he shuts down and builds up a wall around himself because he’s upset, then maybe you shouldn’t pressure him into talking and trying to fix things.
You’re not the one who caused his emotions, so remember that.
Sometimes, this may be the only way you can establish a connection with an emotionally unavailable man.
Take a step back and release yourself from the responsibility.
Let him manage his own feelings and once he realizes he’s being emotionally unavailable, maybe he’ll start making an effort to create a connection with you.
10. Know when it’s time to walk away from him
There are instances when you can’t do much and when it’s for the best to just walk away from him.
You have to accept the fact that you gave your all and simply couldn’t succeed in creating a connection with an emotionally unavailable man.
Saying goodbye to someone you love is always hard, but you have to prioritize yourself.
Your needs should be fulfilled. You shouldn’t settle for someone who doesn’t acknowledge he’s being emotionally unavailable.
You can’t form a connection with everyone and you should be okay with that.
Your happiness doesn’t depend on someone else.
If your partner’s behavior affects it then you should talk to him first and if nothing changes then you should walk away.
You’ll find that deep emotional connection with someone else.
Another thing that I want to mention in this article is whether or not the ‘no contact rule’ works when trying to create a connection with an emotionally unavailable man.
While it may work in some cases, in most of them, it won’t.
You can’t always attract a man and create a deep emotional bond with him if he’s emotionally unavailable.
You can certainly try, but you may end up being heartbroken and that’s not something you want to experience.
Creating a connection with an emotionally unavailable man takes a lot of work and dedication on your part. By no means is it a simple task.
However, if you feel like he can change and you can connect with him on a deeper level, then these tips can certainly help you on your journey.
This isn’t an easy path to take, but it’s quite rewarding when you do manage to establish a strong bond and understanding between you and your partner.
You will definitely have a couple of hiccups here and there, but remind yourself and him why you love each other.
Don’t let your emotions govern your actions. If you think you’ve had enough then you can always walk away and search for your happiness elsewhere.
Sometimes it only takes a little bit of love to create a miracle. Never underestimate the power of love.