Think aloud
“Don’t let past relationships ruin the present one.” Everyone keeps telling you this, as if you don’t know what you’re doing is wrong.
But when all of your previous relationships turned out badly and they now affect you in the worst way possible, it ends up being hard to forget about them. Every atom of your body wants to throw away all of the emotional baggage you’ve collected from your past lovers but it’s not as easy as you’d like it to be.
Instead of moving on, you feel stuck in your past.
The pile of pain keeps getting higher and higher. It starts to feel impossible to find your way to a healthy relationship.
So you try to pretend that everything’s fine. You ignore all of the painful situations you went through but then it hits you and you realize that you’re not okay.
You realize that something’s wrong with you but you still seem to be ignoring all of the warning signs. I know that even thinking about your past hurts but you must be stronger than letting it consume you.
If you see any of the signs that we’ll mention below, then it’s obvious that your past relationships are ruining your present one.
Once you face the truth, I’ll make sure to help you with getting over the trauma that accumulated throughout all of your previous toxic relationships. Step by step, you’ll be able to heal and successfully move on.
Signs your past relationships are ruining your present one
Sometimes, you need to give yourself a reality slap in order to finally understand what you’re going through.
I know that letting go isn’t easy and it takes a lot less effort to simply ignore your problems and pretend that everything’s okay. However, there’s a good reason why, “Don’t let past relationships ruin your present one,” is the best advice you’ll ever hear.
Once you apply it, you’ll be able to fully enjoy your life but if you still haven’t admitted to yourself that you’re ruining your own future by living in the past, then this is the right moment to do so. Here are the signs you should look out for.
1. You’ve become overprotecting and possessive
If you’ve been betrayed in the past, then it’s only natural that you want to save yourself from going through the same experiences. Even though you’re in a new relationship, far away from your past ones, it simply feels impossible to enjoy the present as you’re constantly worrying about what could happen.
Instead of getting to know your current partner better and letting yourself feel happy, you end up being overprotective and possessive. You constantly ask him questions about his friends of the opposite gender, you worry about whether he’ll cheat on you, and you often cross lines that shouldn’t be crossed.
It doesn’t come as a surprise that you always feel the need to know your partner’s every move and you have a hard time relaxing.
At first, you may think that you’re not doing anything wrong and that all relationships are like this but trust me, being overprotective and possessive will only push your partner away from you. Instead of securing your place in his life, you’ll only make him question whether he even wants to be with you.
2. You feel insecure
Even if your loved one has never done anything to make you feel like you have to fight for his attention, you still feel insecure. About every girl who walks by and every woman he mentions.
Maybe in your last relationship, you constantly felt as if you weren’t good enough. Your partner probably put you down and made you feel like you didn’t deserve him.
That’s why you keep projecting your past traumas onto your new relationship. Your new partner will be able to put up this for a while but at some point, he’ll get tired of convincing you that you’re the only woman in his life and that he doesn’t want to replace you with someone else.
So, if you don’t want to let your past relationships ruin your present one, then you must start doing things differently.
3. You hide things from your partner
When you’ve been in bad relationships in the past, it feels difficult to admit that to your new partner. You instantly think that he’ll judge you for letting anyone mistreat you.
That’s why you may think it’s best to hide some parts of your past and not share them with your partner. But this only shows that you’re still unable to move on from the trauma you went through.
You’re letting it affect your present. Subconsciously, you’re not allowing yourself to move on even though that’s not something you want to do.
So, this is your chance to be honest with him. Share your feelings with him and let him know what you went through.
It won’t be easy at first but if he’s an understanding guy who loves you for who you are, then he’ll do whatever he can to help you heal. He’ll be the wind beneath your wings and you’ll feel like you can do anything you want.
4. You compare your partner with your exes
To believe in love again after you’ve been hurt too many times isn’t the easiest thing in the world. Sometimes, it feels almost impossible.
One of the signs that shows you still let past relationships ruin the present one is when you keep comparing your new partner with your exes. Since you’re still stuck in the past, you’re having a hard time moving on, which is why you keep projecting all of your previous exes’ flaws onto your current boyfriend.
First of all, this behavior is disrespectful, as your partner doesn’t deserve to be seen as a bad person just because your exes did some hurtful things to you. He doesn’t have anything to do with that so you should stop putting him in the same category as them.
Also, comparing your partner with your exes doesn’t allow you to get to know him better. You constantly have this idea in your head that you already know him well enough to see through his moves.
This doesn’t let you enjoy your present relationship, however, as you’re too focused on what will happen next.
5. You constantly feel anxious
One of the signs you’re still letting your past relationship ruin the present one is that feeling in your stomach. It’s the feeling that something’s wrong but you can’t pinpoint what.
Since you haven’t moved on, you’re still used to the feeling of anxiety you used to get, which often happens if you’ve been in an abusive relationship in the past. You’re used to always expecting the worst and you’re well aware of how it feels to live a life where you don’t know how your partner will treat you once he gets home.
As you haven’t accepted that these things are only a part of your past, you still feel uneasy. There’s a lingering feeling that you can’t ignore, no matter how hard you try.
But if you allow yourself to heal properly, you’ll close all those open wounds and you’ll then be able to finally enjoy your present.
6. You talk about your ex more than you should
If you talk about your ex all the time, then it’s obvious that you’re still not over him. This will make your current relationship suffer even if you don’t think that you’re doing anything wrong.
Your ex should stay in your past. End of story.
If you don’t learn how to let it go, you’ll never allow yourself to be truly happy with your current partner.
​Also, by constantly mentioning your ex, you’re suggesting to your boyfriend that he isn’t good enough for you. He’ll think that he’ll never be able to measure up to the previous guy.
That’s all he’s getting from your story.
7. You’re still stalking your ex
What’s worse than talking about your ex? Well, it’s definitely the fact that you still stalk him on social media and want to know everything that’s going on in his life.
This screams, “I’m not over him yet,” and it doesn’t allow you to properly move on. You must remember that if you don’t want to let your past relationships ruin the present one then you must change your behavior.
What you’re doing is wrong and you need to do something about it if you don’t want to end up stuck in your past for the rest of your life.
8. You’ve built a wall around you
Due to the fact that all of your old relationships ended up being the main source of your pain and trauma, you now try to hide from the possibility of ever going through the same again. To do that, you built a wall around you that doesn’t allow anyone to get close to you.
Even though you’re in a new relationship and things are going well, you’re still afraid to be vulnerable with your partner. You don’t want to let him in because you’re afraid that he’ll hurt you the same way all those before him did.
You’re still letting your past relationships ruin your present one but at the same time, you’re unhappy. While you want your boyfriend to understand you, you’re not telling him enough so he can realize what you actually went through.
If you don’t make a change, you shouldn’t be surprised to see this relationship coming to an end.
9. You’re afraid of being abandoned
I get it. In the past, you were hurt and it’s hard not to think that the same scenario will play out again.
So, instead of enjoying the moment, you live your life in fear that your perfect guy will leave you the same way you were left before. It’s hard to live a life where your main thought is that you’re going to be dumped.
Every morning you wake up and you wait for the horrible event to happen. But if you let your past relationships ruin the present one, you’ll never again feel truly happy.
You shouldn’t allow yourself to constantly think about a negative outcome. You can never know what will happen next but you can always decide to enjoy your present and not worry about the future.
What’s meant to be is meant to be and you can’t do much to change that.
So, the decision is yours. Do you want to overthink what could happen next or do you want to live in the moment and enjoy every second of your life?
Even if you don’t think it’s possible, you have complete control over your life. You just need to make this idea a constant part of your mindset.
10. You keep reliving your past experiences
You don’t use your present to enjoy life and make the best of it. Instead, you use it to remember your past.
This is one of the clear signs that you still haven’t moved on and it costs you your own happiness. When a relationship ends, we all tend to spend days, months, or sometimes even years thinking about our past.
The healing period differs from person to person but what matters the most is to finally agree that you won’t let the past ruin your present anymore. Once you close that chapter, you’ll finally be able to move on.
Don’t let past relationships ruin the present one and here’s how you can do that
Not letting your past relationships ruin your present can be hard, especially if you’ve been through many traumatic experiences in your previous ones. Creating a healthy relationship with your new partner becomes a difficult task, as you have no idea how to do it properly.
But with these simple tips that you should introduce into your life, it’ll finally start to feel like you’re taking a step in the right direction.
1. Choose to let go
You have a choice. No matter how hard it feels to let go, you’re still the one in control.
When you’ve experienced many traumas in your past relationships, it becomes your responsibility to decide how you’ll lead your life afterward.
Do you want to focus on the pain you felt? Are you willing to let it consume you and take control over your life?
Do you instead want to let go and learn from your past mistakes? Do you want to let yourself heal properly and close those previous chapters of your life?
The decision is always yours, as you’re responsible for your own happiness.
“Don’t let past relationships ruin the present one.” Keep this saying in mind and let it guide you forward.
2. Stop projecting the toxic traits of your exes onto your present partner
I understand where you’re coming from. Since you’ve been hurt, you made yourself think that every guy will treat you the same way.
You’re afraid that all men are the same. You think that eventually, even the good ones will show you their bad sides.
However, this thought is a result of your fears. You’re too scared of your past, which makes you project all of the toxic traits of your exes onto your current boyfriend.
This is unfair to both of you. It doesn’t give him a chance to show you what he’s actually like and it also doesn’t give you a chance to enjoy your own life.
Once you stop projecting your exes’ behaviors onto your new partner, you’ll then stop letting past relationships ruin your present one.
3. Open yourself up for new experiences
After being hurt too many times, you find yourself always expecting the worst. The problem is that your mindset changes after going through the same trauma over and over again.
You get used to pain and the feeling of betrayal. You start to see it coming from every direction.
Of course, you know that you shouldn’t let past relationships ruin your present one but it seems impossible to do that since you can’t seem to accept that you deserve a better life.
But once you open yourself up for new experiences, you’ll begin to realize how many opportunities you’ve missed.
Even if things don’t end up with the best possible outcome, you must have in mind that you’ll still learn something from them. Every experience is a window into the world which will help you get to a place where you’re destined to be.
4. Give yourself enough time to heal
Before you even get yourself to a place where you’re focused on your new relationship, you first must give yourself a chance to heal from the previous ones.
When moving from one relationship to another, you tend to suppress your emotions but they never truly go away. At some point, it all gets too much to deal with and you start to feel like you’re about to explode.
But when you give yourself enough time to properly grieve and heal, you give yourself a chance to walk into the next relationship without carrying your emotional baggage with you.
So, don’t rush things and take as much time as you need. Later on, you’ll be grateful that you did that for yourself.
5. Forgive the people who hurt you
It’s never an easy thing to forgive the people who hurt you, especially when what they did to you still haunts you at night. But it’s one of the steps you can’t miss if you don’t want to let your past relationships ruin the present one.
Forgiveness is an important part of the healing process. Even though it can take a lot of time, you shouldn’t choose to skip it.
Once you finally feel that you can forgive those who hurt you, you’ll then be able to properly move on. If you don’t do this, you won’t ever be able to fully commit yourself to your new relationship the way you should.
6. Learn from the pain
We all hate to feel pain but what we don’t realize is that pain allows us to grow. It shows us how strong we are and how much we can endure.
It also teaches us how worthy we are and what we deserve from life. And even though it’s hard to accept that your toxic relationships were a gift from the universe, you must learn that there was a point to them.
You need to learn the lesson the universe is trying to teach you and let it stay in your memory. That’s the only right way you won’t let your past relationships ruin the present one.
Once you learn from them, they can no longer hurt you.
7. Allow yourself to be vulnerable
All of your previous relationships taught you that being vulnerable means being weak. However, you need to change this way of seeing things.
This must change today or you’ll keep living in the past.
When you meet a person who seems worthy of your time and attention, you must allow yourself to be vulnerable with them. If you want your relationship to grow, you must be willing to open up your heart.
You shouldn’t share all of your traumas with this person on the very first date but it’s also not acceptable that you push him away every time he tries to get to know the real you.
Find the pace that works for you and allow yourself to be vulnerable. That way, both you and your relationship will be able to grow.
8. Don’t let the fear consume you
Fear can be both good and bad for you. It can push you to become a better person but it can also prevent you from moving on.
That’s why you must keep in mind that your goal is to move on. Let go of the pain and all of the heartbreaking experiences you went through.
Once you do that, you’ll finally be able to not let your past relationships ruin your present one.
You’ll learn the valuable lesson that your previous experiences don’t define you. They’re not a sign that you deserve to live an unhappy life.
You shouldn’t allow yourself to live in the past, as you won’t find happiness there. It’s time for you to escape from all those limitations you created in your head and to finally move on.
As Alan Moore once said, “The past can’t hurt you anymore. Not unless you let it.” So, don’t let it inflict any more damage.
You deserve to feel happy and to live a better life. And that will never happen if you keep focusing on your past traumas and circumstances that caused you pain.
Let go and finally see how amazing it feels to enjoy your present.
