Think aloud
“My boyfriend doesn’t want to spend time with me and I have no idea what to do about it.”
How many friends have come running to me, asking me to help them solve this terrible issue they’re facing. They were in desperate need of relationship advice as they tried all of the options and nothing seemed to work.
And I get it, I truly do. The less time you spend with your boyfriend, the more you feel like he doesn’t love you anymore. It’s the unwritten rule we all keep applying to our relationships.
“If he loves me, he’ll spend most of his free time with me. And if he’s not real about his feelings then I guess he’ll keep making excuses why he can’t meet up with me.”
That’s why not spending enough time together has turned out to be a deal-breaker for many couples. It’s become one of the standards for a healthy relationship.
A lot of time, we tend to look at the negative side, assuming that lack of time together is a red flag that a breakup is just around the corner. But it really doesn’t have to be that way.
In reality, there are few more possible reasons you’re currently spending less time together. Once you consider all of them, you can then make assumptions of what will potentially happen with your relationship.
4 reasons my boyfriend doesn’t want to spend time with me
“My boyfriend doesn’t want to spend time with me – it’s just not right.” Or “My boyfriend doesn’t make time for me. I guess he doesn’t love me anymore.”
You keep talking about the issue but you’re reluctant to find the reason for it or work on finding the solution.
Although you may not see it right now, there’s something that explains why the two of you aren’t seeing each other as much.
Your significant other may be going through a phase you have no idea about since you’re too preoccupied with the fact that you haven’t seen each other in a week.
So, let’s start with all of the explanations for why you’re currently facing this issue. Think about your relationship and try to make a connection between the points you’re about to read.
Hopefully, you’ll then be able to figure out what’s actually going on. Then we’ll then jump onto solutions for your problem.
1. He’s finally showing you who he actually is
At first, you felt like you finally met the person you’ve been looking for your whole life. Everything seemed perfect and you couldn’t wait to spend the rest of your life with him.
But slowly, things started to change and you realized that your guy isn’t acting the same. After spending a certain amount of time together, it was clear that all this time, he was doing things to impress you.
A guy who was all bubbly at first turned out to be an introvert who finally took off his mask.
He did his best to be the guy who threw you off your feet, but he simply couldn’t take it anymore. He’s not the type of person who can be surrounded by people all the time and he values his alone time more than you do.
That’s where the misunderstanding between the two of you came in. While you wanted to be around him all the time, he showed you that he can’t keep up with that pace.
2. He’s too busy with work
Even though you can’t see it, your guy may be too busy with work. He’s been taking it home and that’s why he’s had to reject most of your proposals to hang out.
Maybe he really wanted to go out with you, but the bottom line is that he had to finish the project he’s been working so he had to say “no.”
If this is the case, then your issue won’t last for a long time. As soon as he’s made his deadline, he’ll be back to his old self.
3. He wants some time alone
Maybe your boyfriend doesn’t want to spend time with you because he’s in desperate need of some me-time.
This usually happens for two reasons, at two completely different stages of a relationship.
If you just started dating, then he maybe needs some time alone to figure out his next step. He’s trying to sort out all of the thoughts in his mind and figure out what’s best for him.
If you’ve been in a relationship for some time, then it could be that he’s feeling a bit lost. He’s committed all of his time to you and he now feels drained. That’s why he hasn’t been seeing you as much because he needs to get back to his old self.
4. He’s not into you anymore
Unfortunately, the reason you’re not spending much time together could also be that your boyfriend is wondering if he should end things with you.
Maybe he feels like your relationship isn’t going in the right direction or he started to lose feelings for you. In that case, he’ll pull away at first and then decide if it’s better for both of you to go your separate ways.
I know that this doesn’t sound like something you want to hear, but it’s a possibility. Maybe your “happy relationship” isn’t actually making him happy and he feels the need to change something.
Hence him taking a step back and not spending as much time with you.
What to do when your boyfriend doesn’t want to spend time with you
A lot of people think that it must be the beginning of the end once you start spending less time together. But there are many things you can do when you’re worried because your boyfriend doesn’t want to spend time with you.
Trust me, you can change many little things before you actually come to the point where you know it’s time to give up. Here are a couple of things you can try in order to fix your relationship and get its old shine back.
1. Express your concerns to him
Instead of complaining to your best friend about how your boyfriend doesn’t want to spend time with you, go straight to the source.
If your romantic relationship has been progressing great but all of a sudden things have changed, then you should let your boyfriend know about your worries.
Chat to him about how you’re feeling right now. And instead of coming right out and blaming him for it, be sensitive in how you bring the message across so he understands where you’re coming from.
“You never hang out with me,” “You put everyone else in front of me,” “It’s obvious that you don’t love me anymore.” These words won’t help him see how his behavior makes you feel.
Rather express your emotions using “I” statements:
“I wish to spend more time with you because right now, I feel like we aren’t doing much for our relationship.” Or, “I miss your company because I really enjoy it when we hang out together.”
This will help your boyfriend understand what you want from him. It will also allow him to realize how his behavior is affecting you and what he can do to change that.
2. Find a common interest
A great way to spend more time together is to do something you both enjoy. This will allow you a great bonding experience and make both of you realize how much you enjoy each other’s company.
Maybe the two of you love to hike. Why don’t you plan a hiking trail that you both will get a kick out of?
It will allow you to reignite the spark while doing something you love. It doesn’t get any better than that.
3. Ask to join him in on something he loves doing
If you’re in a serious relationship, then you already know what your partner enjoys doing. In that case, you can ask to join him as that’s a great way to spend some time together.
That way, he’ll be able to see how much you care about him and his interests. It will show him you’re willing to reconnect with him since you haven’t been spending a lot of time together these last few weeks.
Even if it’s something as simple as playing video games together, it’s a great bonding opportunity.
Also, it can serve as a source of motivation that will make him join you in some activities you love doing.
If he rejects your proposal, it could mean that he wants to keep a part of his life for himself. Or he’s playing with your feelings and isn’t planning on sticking around. Good luck figuring out what’s actually going on in that case.
4. Let him be the one in charge of the plans
Maybe your boyfriend doesn’t want to spend time with you because he feels like you’re not allowing him to make decisions in the relationship. Maybe he feels like a passive bystander and that steals his joy and motivation.
That’s why he’s given up completely.
To change this, you can easily let him be the one to choose what you should be doing. Instead of inviting him out, let him know that it’s his turn to make some plans for next weekend.
This may help him realize how much he enjoys hanging out with you. After that, you can be sure you’ll be seeing each other much more.
5. Use video calling to your advantage
Text messages and random calls are great ways to stay in touch. But they don’t give you that satisfaction of looking at the person you love.
If your boyfriend has been busy and you haven’t been seeing much of each other, then capitalize on one of the many video calling apps.
That way, you’ll have this feeling as if you actually spent some quality time together.
This method is great for couples who are in a long-distance relationship. Since it’s impossible for them to physically meet and hang out, this is a way that breaks down the boundaries imposed on them.
Being able to see each other reminds you of all of the love you feel for each other. It gives you the strength to move on and make your relationship stronger than ever.
6. Surprise him
Maybe your boyfriend doesn’t want to spend time with you because your relationship has become a dull routine. Even when you hang out, there’s a pattern that you go by every time.
Dinner, movie, walk through the park. On and on, you keep doing the same things and the whole excitement of the relationship is gone.
To change that, you can easily plan a surprise for him and let him see there’s still a spark between the two of you.
You can do something he’s been wanting to try for a long time. Or it could be something different and unexpected – something completely out of the box.
Rekindle the old flame and let him realize that he hasn’t been trying as much as he used to. After that, he should start taking more initiative instead of letting you be the only one who puts in any effort.
7. Set a date day
Maybe your boyfriend has a full-time job and it’s usually hard for him to find enough time to see you. In that case, setting a date day may work wonders for you.
If he has that one day when he’s free from work, you can make an arrangement to make it a date day. That way, you know you’re sure to see each other and spend some quality time together.
Also, by doing something different every time, you’re growing your relationship and deepening the connection.
Last week you went on a golf date, so this time you can opt for a picnic in the park. This will bring variety into your relationship and help to break free from the routine we all tend to fall into.
8. Have an active life outside the relationship
After noticing a problem in your relationship, you may end up paying way too much attention to it. It becomes your only occupation as you try to figure out the solution.
But by doing that, you neglect every other sphere of your own life and your unhappiness only grows.
So, instead of texting your friends the same old message, “My boyfriend doesn’t want to spend time with me. What do I do now?” why not rather go out and have some fun with those same people!
Forget about your issue for a second and enjoy the life that’s waiting for you.
Don’t press pause on everything just because you’ve stumbled upon an obstacle in your relationship. Do something fun. Enjoy the moment. You gotta live and stop worrying about him all the time.
That way, you’ll grow some confidence and start radiating positive energy all around you. And after that, he’ll be the first one to call because he’ll truly want to spend every free second of his day with you.
9. Hear him out
Maybe your boyfriend hasn’t been hanging out with you because he’s been going through some things. And at the time, he felt like he couldn’t share his feelings with you.
So, instead of complaining to him, let him know you’re there if he needs someone to talk to. Let him know you’re more than willing to listen to him and offer him advice, if he wants it.
Maybe he simply needs to feel understood by that one person who means the most to him. So, offering him an ear and a shoulder will help ease his troubles.
10. Keep in mind that all relationships go through ups and downs
Sometimes, we forget that things won’t always be perfect. After the honeymoon stage comes that time when you feel like giving up. But it’s then where you need to be the strongest and truly realize if you want your relationship to work.
From time to time, all couples go through these sinking phases. Their happiness suddenly disappears and they don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.
But whenever this happens, you must remember that all relationships go through ups and downs. This feeling is only short-term and will end soon.
If you’re truly made for one another and if you’re willing to fight for your relationship, then this isn’t time to quit.
The first time this happens, you may think it’s the end and there’s no going back – there’s no way to fix the relationship and restore its former glory.
But as long as you put each other as priorities, all it takes is a few simple steps to make things work again.
So, maybe this month your boyfriend simply doesn’t feel like spending time with you. Maybe he’s been going through a phase where he wants some alone time.
But if you show him that your feelings are still there and you care for him the same way as before, the next month may be the time he spends every second of his day with you.
Relationships aren’t as perfect as you see on social media. But when the feelings are real, there’s nothing you can’t overcome. Together, while holding each other’s hands.
11. Ask yourself if you can accept him as he is
If your boyfriend never changes, if he keeps acting this way, would you be able to accept him as such? Would you stay with him for the long run even though he’s the kind of guy he is?
This is one of the most important questions you have to ask yourself right now. And instead of going round in circles, complaining to others how he doesn’t want to spend time with you, you better try to figure out the answer.
If he’s the kind of a guy who values his alone time, then you must be ready to accept that. But if that’s not something you can live with, then maybe there’s no reason for you to look for a solution.
12. Consider your relationship expectations
If you eventually figure out that your relationship expectations don’t match his, then maybe it’s time for you to walk away.
If you’re looking for a guy who’ll spend the majority of his free time with you and you see that he can’t offer you that, then it’s better to give up. Otherwise, you’ll be forcing him to do something that doesn’t make him happy.
He’ll resent you for doing so and you’ll resent him for not wanting to spend as much time with you. It will all end up one big mess and neither of you will be truly happy.
That’s why sometimes it’s better to admit your expectations don’t match and never will. In that case, both of you can move in the directions you want, without making each other do things that don’t bring you joy.
13. Focus on yourself
Are you wondering what he’s doing right now? Are you trying to figure out how you can make him want to spend time with you? In the meantime, is your mental health suffering because the only thing you’ve been thinking about is him?
If you replied with “yes” to these questions, then it’s time for you to do something for yourself. Instead of constantly thinking about him, you need to put yourself first and start from there.
All this time, you’ve measured your self-worth by the amount of time he wants to spend around you. As a result, your value decreased every time he rejected hanging out with you.
This is your opportunity to do something to boost your confidence. It’s time for you to grow as a person.
Only when you’re happy with yourself can you expect him to be happy with you. Every other way feels like avoiding inevitable as, at one point, it will all crush on you like a house of cards.
Change your mindset to “Maybe my boyfriend doesn’t want to spend time with me right now, but it gives me an opportunity to enjoy life on my own!”
Change the perspective and you’ll see the massive difference right away!
