Think aloud
This one hits hard, but I need to get it off my chest. My dearest friend, my ex-girlfriend, I am the man I am today because of you and I want to say that I’m sorry.
Before you roll your eyes and think that this is one of those sad, pathetic letters, I want to explain something.
I won’t fill this letter with excuses. It is not my attempt to justify the things that I have done, which hurt you the most.
With this letter, I want to show you how grateful I am that I got to spend the most beautiful and unforgettable time of my life with you.
I also want to say how deeply sorry I am for the way things ended. I left you, I left you vulnerable and scared to suffer in silence when you needed me the most.
I’m sorry.
My words were very hurtful, those words that I wish had never slipped through my lips.
Once I had said them aloud, I knew there was no turning back. Your actions were justified and I realize that now.
You had the right to leave me immediately, but you didn’t. You thought I would change.
I was foolish not to notice how much of a strong and independent woman you are.
Foolish to think you would never walk away from me. Thinking I could say all the things I said and still be able to be in a relationship with you is outrageous.
My actions did not match my feelings. I was selfish.
I was selfish, angry, and pretentious enough to think it was okay to behave like that toward you. My actions were actually despicable.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry for not thinking about you or the chaotic consequences that I forced on your life because I only thought about myself.
A relationship isn’t just about one person. It’s the sense of togetherness that you create when you match your needs and emotions with another person. I did not do that.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry that I didn’t realize earlier what we had gone through in our relationship, the challenges that we faced, and which we conquered.
I believe that I truly loved you. We built our relationship together and you helped me become the man I am today, as I said.
I’m sorry for recklessly hurting your feelings, the same feelings that I should have protected when no one else was around.
I was also lost and hurt. I know that people are meant to heal over time, but so far, I haven’t healed at all.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry for the hardships that I put you through. I will never forget how I left you hanging when push came to shove.
I left you scared, tearful, like a vulnerable animal left on the side of the road. That was my biggest mistake and I realize that now.
I just left you there and that’s the cruelest thing you could do to another human being who loves you as deeply and affectionately as you did.
And I know you loved me, I know you may still love me, though I don’t believe I deserve the love and happiness that you are ready to give another person.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry for thinking that we could work things out afterward. Now I have these memories and situations that I play in my head like a broken record.
The sad thing is there is no situation where you can be with me again.
You were my sunshine. Those rays of sun fighting against all the dark and gloomy clouds. That is what it meant to have you in my life.
I’m sorry.
What you deserve is much more than me.
You don’t deserve this broken piece of a human being that I am right now but instead, you deserve happiness and love from ‘the one’.
I’m sorry that you felt misunderstood sometimes. I’m sorry you were not able to trust me after my actions.
I know they left deep scars, scars that are not easy to heal. The pain and hurt that I inflicted could not come from a normal human being, only a broken one.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry for making you feel unworthy of my time and attention. I know I lowered your self-esteem.
Your faith is now broken and I am to blame for that. I drained all of your emotions from you and I realize that now. I know that you felt like I used you.
I’m sorry.
The insecurities that you feel right now come from me. And I know that. I’m sorry for transferring my insecurities on to you.
I want you to know that thoughts of you haunt me every night.
Every night, I can hardly fall asleep, and when I do, I imagine your contagious laugh, your delightful smile, the way you hugged me, the way your head leaned on my chest when I hugged you, and all of my worries disappear for a second.
Every night, I have lucid dreams about the pain that I inflicted on you and the look on your face when I broke your heart in an instant.
The pain that I inflicted with my arrogant words when I said that I deserved someone better than you.
I’m sorry.
I wish I had known before that the person I was always searching for was you. My ‘someone better’ was you.
It has always been you. My incapacity to see that drove you away from me.
I hope that the day that I hurt you is now buried underneath something very bright and happy.
I hope that you have found someone who can love you the way I couldn’t, that you found the one who can fulfill your needs and overwhelm you with happiness.
Hopefully, I didn’t break your ability to love someone with your whole heart, like you loved me before.
I hope that the one you’re loving now cherishes and treats the love that you have as the best and most powerful thing that both of you will ever experience.
I truly hope that your heart and soul have recovered from the unimaginable things that I did to you.
You deserve happiness and love and I hope you find it in this world. You were and still are the best thing that has ever happened to me.
I’m sincerely sorry.
