Think aloud
Have you noticed some signs your family doesn’t care about you?
We often associate the word ‘family’ with love and care, but to many, it brings complex emotions to mind.
These signs your family doesn’t care about you will help you recognize whether your family’s toxic.
You could have mostly negative feelings, mostly positive feelings, or a mix of both toward your family.
It depends on your current family situation, but on your childhood as well.
I know how you feel but let me remind you of something a wise man once wrote…
“Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” – Leo Tolstoy
Maybe you feel beyond frustrated or annoyed because you’re experiencing a toxic family dynamic.
Thinking about them or interacting with them maybe even causes you significant emotional distress.
Even though it can be easy to tell, we most often don’t realize that there are signs of dysfunctional or toxic family dynamics.
You might interpret them as signs your family doesn’t care about you.
You’re certainly not the only one, and there are many of us who never felt loved by our families.
Every unhappy family has certain issues that trouble their kids.
You see the signs your family doesn’t care about you but still, you have to understand something.
Thinking your family members don’t really care about you is understandable… but most of the time, it’s not that simple.
In most cases, in their own way, your family cares about you.
Even if the things they do clearly show that they’re toxic and don’t treat you right, in a way, they care.
It’s just that toxic people don’t know how to love, and most often, they don’t even love themselves.
There are a lot of toxic families in the world, but I don’t think many of them would admit that they don’t care about each other.
They just don’t know how, don’t care about themselves, don’t show it, or are simply toxic.
Even the people who treat you badly and hurt you likely at least think that they care about you.
Of course, there are some cases where they truly don’t care, but it doesn’t happen often.
Much more often, toxic people show their toxic love because they don’t understand real love.
We often think that our family should know better, but sadly, they don’t.
When you see the signs your family doesn’t care about you, it doesn’t mean that they see them.
If you try to confront them about it, they’ll probably deny it and say that they do care.
I’m telling you about their wrong way of caring so that you can understand that they might not be lying.
Yes, they’re showing that they don’t care, but they still think that they do.
This doesn’t mean that you should tolerate their toxic behavior, though.
Even if they think that they love you, that ‘love’ is not healthy and could harm you.
Don’t believe excuses such as, “… but they’re still your mother/father/sibling/etc.”
Toxic is toxic. You always have the right to distance yourself and cut off anyone who isn’t healthy for you.
“You have the right to put up a fence between you and your family and the choice whether to include a gate.” – Michele Meleen
Signs your family doesn’t care about you
1. They abuse or neglect you
A lot of depressed or anxious adults spend years in therapy in order to process childhood neglect or abuse.
We often associate the word ‘abuse’ only with the worst kinds, such as physical.
If you’ve been a victim of physical abuse, you need to get away from your family.
Physical abuse should never be tolerated, but neither should other kinds.
Many of the adults I mentioned earlier didn’t even know that they were being abused.
Psychological and emotional abuse are often not even recognized as abuse… yet it can leave very damaging consequences, and it shouldn’t be taken lightly.
All types of abuse are clear signs your family doesn’t care about you.
2. They accuse you and blame you
Whenever something bad happens, they accuse you. They don’t even bother to check the situation properly and put all the blame directly on you.
Your family simply thinks and assumes that everything’s your fault, which shows that they don’t truly care about how you feel.
Studies have proved that this defective behavior can affect a person in a very negative way.
If, on the other hand, your family is considerate about the way you feel and tries to understand you, it’s a good sign.
3. One of the signs your family doesn’t care about you is that they compete with you to undermine your achievements
People who truly care about you will always try to lift you up instead of breaking you down.
Sure, there can be friendly competition and sibling rivalries, which is normal… I’m talking about something else, though.
Maybe your family members often try to beat all your achievements, which could indicate that they’re toxic.
Competition is supposed to push you to try harder and do better, not to undermine you.
If your family members compete with you to undermine your achievements, it’s toxic behavior.
4. They don’t have time for you
Maybe your parents often cancel family gatherings because of work or some other excuse.
Of course, sometimes responsibilities make us cancel some get-togethers, but how often does this happen?
Your family should always find time for important moments in your life.
If something else is clearly more important to them than family, and this is a recurring habit, it shows a lack of care.
How can a family bond be less important than work? It just shows that your family prioritizes their needs ahead of yours.
5. They don’t include you
Finding the fine line between the signs your family doesn’t care about you and regular family drama isn’t so easy.
If they don’t tell you about big milestones or don’t include you in family events, they might not care.
Maybe they don’t celebrate your birthday or come to visit your kids and you, which is also a very bad sign.
If these things happen in your family, you have only two options; either you can try to fix the problem or distance yourself from them.
If you’ve tried and the problem can’t be fixed, you have only one option and that’s to protect yourself.
6. One of the signs your family doesn’t care about you is that they aren’t proud of you for your achievements
Your family shouldn’t ignore your achievements.
Non-toxic people who care about you will be proud of you when you achieve something and they’ll even celebrate your accomplishments.
Naturally, this doesn’t mean that they have to recognize every occasion when you choose a salad over fast food.
When it comes to big milestone achievements, though, they should be proud of you.
7. They don’t motivate or support you
One of the signs your family doesn’t care about you is if they don’t motivate or support you.
They should motivate you to achieve your academic goals as well as any other life goals.
In fact, they should be your biggest support and believe in you.
Instead, maybe they even hold you back and don’t let you accomplish what you want.
This could make you feel depressed, constantly rejected, and like there’s something missing inside.
8. They often overreact
Naturally, your family may get upset, and that’s normal.
Giving you never-ending silent treatment, constantly yelling and screaming at you, or isolating you is toxic, though.
First, reflect on the actions that might have caused them to act this way. Did you do anything that made them rightfully upset?
Let me give you a simple example of what’s normal and what isn’t.
When your mother feels sad because you chose to spend the holidays with your partner’s parents instead of yours, it’s normal.
On the other hand, if she doesn’t want to let it go and acts cold for weeks after, it could be toxic behavior.
9. One of the signs your family doesn’t care about you is that they deliberately choose to offend you
Maybe your family deliberately offends you when you’re in public or at family gatherings.
It might have even meant you experienced humiliation from others.
This is something your parents or siblings may do by highlighting your particular weaknesses or something about your appearance.
Sometimes, parents do this when they mention your siblings or other people.
10. Having any contact with them causes emotional distress
Do you only feel negative emotions when you talk to your family, or don’t feel really good about seeing them?
This is a sign that you need to think about taking a break because it could really improve things.
“Do I really have to see my family?”
“Why do I put myself through this?”
Are you having thoughts like this?
You need to remember that you don’t have to put yourself through anything if you don’t want to, regardless of what it is.
You don’t really have to see your family if it just makes you feel bad. In fact, cutting off contact could be good for you.
It doesn’t have to be permanent if you don’t want it to be.
Maybe it would just be good for you to take a little time away from them and the whole situation.
11. They don’t respect your boundaries
Being close to each other when you’re a family is important, but having boundaries is important too!
If you haven’t set clear boundaries with them, do so now. It will help ease tensions in problematic situations.
You can set some time restrictions, which means that you can decide how often you’ll see each other and how often you’ll keep in touch.
Don’t forget about emotional boundaries too.
You don’t have to share every tiny detail about your personal life, or anything about it that you don’t want to reveal.
Your family shouldn’t be mad just because you want to keep something to yourself.
Being your family doesn’t give them an excuse to disrespect the boundaries that you establish.
12. One of the signs your family doesn’t care about you is that they don’t let you have personal space
They could ignore your boundaries, but it’s just one of the many signs your family doesn’t care about you.
Your family could also pretend to take good care of you just so they can get you to do what they want.
They might neglect your feelings or your need for personal space.
All of us need personal space, and it can protect us from any potential stress or aggression.
Setting your personal space and sustaining it is a life skill you need to practice. We all do, just like learning to manage personal distance.
When your family doesn’t let you have personal space, it could make you feel depressed.
Maybe they go into your room for no apparent reason or without knocking first.
They could also listen to the conversations you have on the phone and comment on them afterward.
Maybe they don’t even give you the necessary freedom to spend time with your close friends.
This is not okay, and they need to start caring about your personal space.
13. They constantly manipulate you or lie to you
Your family tells the truth, but they lie just as often, which can make you feel confused or unsettled.
They even manipulate you to do what they want without caring about how it makes you feel.
It could even make it hard for you to trust anyone, whether they’re family or not.
Lies and manipulation are signs your family doesn’t care about you.
Point out their behavior to them, but if it continues, maybe it’s best to cut off contact.
Maybe it’s the only way to get away from such toxic behavior and distance yourself.
14. They want you to make their needs a priority
It’s always somehow expected of us to take care of those who are a part of our close family.
Still, this can be toxic if we’re expected to put their needs first.
When it gets to the point that it affects you badly because of it, it’s definitely toxic.
To maintain strong relationships, you need to care for your family… but it shouldn’t come at the price of your resources or mental health.
If you’re always caring for them, they need to return the favor.
You shouldn’t put your own life on hold to make theirs better if they would never do that for you.
15. One of the signs your family doesn’t care about you is that they reject you and everything you say
Your family members may think of you as less important and reject both you and all your opinions.
This is one of the biggest signs your family doesn’t care about you.
They don’t fulfill your needs and they reject your requests. If they keep doing this, you’ll feel frustrated or even traumatized.
Maybe you even feel alienated and it’ll make you fall into a depression.
You need to talk to them, and if they don’t do anything about it, distance yourself.
16. You don’t feel respect, compassion, or love
Occasional disagreements happen in every family and it’s perfectly normal.
In the end, though, you still need to treat one another with kindness and love.
When it comes to a toxic family dynamic, instead of love, you’ll feel disdain or contempt.
Toxic family members could belittle or mock your choices and attack your most vulnerable points. They will make you lose your self-esteem.
Your family doesn’t have to agree with everything that you do or say, but they still need to offer respect and love.
Are there many signs your family doesn’t care about you?
Here’s what you can do:
1. Talk to them
Even if there are many signs of a toxic family, they might not really be aware of what they’re doing to you.
Always try to talk to them about their behavior, so they can realize how their actions affect you. This might help you find the solution together.
Aim for a real discussion, so keep things neutral more than accusatory.
Focus on the way their behavior affects you and makes you feel and explain how they’re hurting you.
2. Talk to someone else
It’s always good to try to talk to your family, but it doesn’t always work out, which is when you should find an alternative support network.
Confide in your best friend to let them know about your family’s toxic behavior and the way it makes you feel.
If there’s a specific toxic member of your family, try talking about them to the non-toxic family members.
They might have noticed the exact same things as you.
3. Try detaching
If your family isn’t willing to fix the problem of their toxic behavior, you can try detaching.
You’ll still be physically present at family gatherings, but you’ll detach yourself from harmful actions and words.
Refuse to engage deeply with your family and place your feelings away from the toxicity.
This is what detaching means and you can do that even when you’re physically near them.
Simply by acting uninterested and bored, you might make them uninterested and bored with you, which means that they’ll search for another target.
4. Avoid topics that trigger the toxic behavior
Having to tiptoe around those who are your family isn’t something that should happen… but avoiding specific topics that trigger the toxic behavior might be your safest bet.
For example, if they always criticize you about the job you have, don’t talk to them about it.
Whenever someone tries talking about work, shift the topic.
Let them know that you understand their point of view but that you want to talk about other things.
5. Set boundaries and say no
The best thing you can do is set firm boundaries and say no to anything that could compromise them.
Saying no to family isn’t always easy but you have to do what’s best for you when you see the signs your family doesn’t care about you.
If you know that a certain situation could make you feel uncomfortable, distressed, or unhappy, say no.
You don’t have to explain your reasoning unless you want to.
They might try to manipulate you or persuade you to change your mind, which is why it’s important that you make a decision and have confidence in it.
You’re doing what’s right for you, and you need to keep that in mind.
Family members who support and love you should recognize and support that need.
6. Don’t expect them to change
When we have to deal with toxic people, we tend to keep hoping that they’ll change.
Maybe you fantasize about your family finally realizing how much they hurt you and changing their behavior.
Yes, people can change, and they sometimes do, but this is not something you can control.
All you can do is let them know how their behavior affects you, ask them to understand you, and encourage them to seek help.
The rest is up to them, and you can’t change them, but you can change yourself and your life.
To have a happy life, you should never tolerate toxic behavior.
7. Seek professional help
Anything that makes you feel bad about yourself, unwanted, or unloved is unhealthy.
All families have occasional struggles, but members of that family still feel respected, supported, and loved.
If you instead feel emotionally charged, tense, or unstable, you might want to seek professional help.
A toxic family can make you feel that way and a therapist can help.
Maybe there’s even an option for family therapy if those members are willing to work on themselves.
8. Cut off contact
Sometimes, the best thing you can do for yourself is cut off contact with toxic family members.
It could be just temporary distance, but it could also be an indefinite break from them.
Life after cutting off toxic people can be called detoxification, and it can be good for you.
You first need to tell them about it, but you don’t have to do so in person. Feel free to call them or send an email.
If you’ve tried setting boundaries and they didn’t respect them, you can say that it’s because of that.
You can let them know that you don’t feel heard, respected, or even safe, or just say that they harm your health.
Tell them that you won’t have any contact with them, and even block them if you want.
Be prepared for name-calling, shaming, and guilt-tripping. Having a trusted friend or romantic partner to support you can help you a lot.
However, you also need to be prepared for your own reaction, as you may feel grief, guilt, or sadness.
Practice self-care and read this if you’re in a bad place right now.
Whatever you do, don’t ignore the signs your family doesn’t care about you.
