You know how people use the expression “stay in touch”? Well, after someone touches your heart and hurts it, what you need is a 30-day no-contact rule.
Life is really long and we aren’t aware of it even when we’re old. We love reminiscing about the past and romanticizing more than we should.
Time helps us see things more clearly if we just get some distance. After you’ve been hurt by each other, you need to take a step back, even if you care about each other.
When two people break up, they, in a way, make a promise to walk out of each other’s lives. Are you ready to never talk to each other and see each other again?
Would you do something differently if you knew that you’d stay in someone’s memory? Our memories and experiences influence who we are, depending on how much time passes.
With time, the influence changes because we can process our emotions.
Being together forever means not allowing emotions to overwhelm you and people learn this as they mature. We learn to control ourselves; we learn discipline.
Falling for someone is not the same as committing to them, and men aren’t the only ones afraid of commitment. Women are too, in their own way – they just romanticize differently and are less prone to suppressing their feelings.
Why do we need the 30-day no-contact rule?
Sometimes, we’ll stay with someone who is clearly bad for us because we’re victims of our emotions.
And perhaps that person does care for us too, but is it the person we want to commit to? Committing to someone means having the intention to stay together forever.
It means wanting to become a family and influence each other, possibly even have kids together.
Women often get easily carried away and imagine a white fence too soon. We instantly think of marriage and children when we fall in love.
Loving someone is not merely an overwhelming emotion. It’s not just instinct, it’s a decision.
You can’t always follow your heart without listening to what your brain has to say about it.
While they may actually end up agreeing on the same thing, your heart has no concept of time.
How do you feel when you’re experiencing pain?
Remember a painful experience. Try to recall the most painful experience you ever had, but a long time ago.
Now think about it… How do you feel about it now?
Recall a recent painful experience you had and think about how you feel about it now too.
Our feelings change. People change as they grow older.
Growing old with someone is a very serious decision.
Because we as women are by nature more expressive with our emotions, we experience them stronger.
Emotions can cloud your judgment.
A person may break up with you because he’s not your forever person.
When you fall in love with each other, you can’t decide on the amount of time you’ll spend together.
However, when you decide to end that relationship, you can give yourselves time to think about it. Could you be better without each other?
Is there a way you could be happy together for the rest of your lives?
Sometimes, all it takes is for you to realize that you need to stay out of touch for 30 days. You can even stay a part of each other’s lives in some capacity.
Do you know the song The one that got away? You could be that to each other one day when you grow old.
Are you on the same page, though? And are you looking in the same direction?
Sometimes things have to end for better things to come. We just need some time apart to realize that.
You and I both know how people can act violently in anger. It’s an emotion most aren’t capable of controlling, and that’s bad.
When we can’t control our emotions, we are also being violent toward ourselves. So what does it take to control them?
Time and space.
Maybe you live in a different time and a different space. Do you really want to create a home together and tear down those walls?
People need to open up to live in an open space concept. Sometimes, when people open up, they don’t communicate in the same language.
It’s true what they say, that every human being is a universe on its own – and we start of getting to know each other as if we’re aliens.
It’s important to come in peace, but that’s not where it ends.
You have to make it clear how long you intend to stay and in what capacity.
A romantic relationship often ends in tears and pain, but that’s one of the reasons it’s romantic.
Romance is not the same as commitment, though.
Real life and movies aren’t the same things. In movies, everything moves and resolves fast. Real life lasts a lot longer.
And what is a happy ending? Could it be a beautiful song that touches your heart and makes you think of someone?
You don’t have to stay in touch to forever remember that you were in touch. Some walls broke down, so you couldn’t build a house together.
Maybe you built a tent and it’s okay to go camping sometimes. It’s not that great when all you have is a tent though.
What are bricks made of? Are you ready for solid material?
We like to say that a guy is boyfriend material and we often say husband material too. It’s what we all want as a happy ending, right?
There have to be some tragedies before a happy ending because we don’t live in a perfect world.
Take 30 days to realize whether you’ve found a happy ending or are writing a tragedy.
How long are you prepared to let the song hurt you? It could hurt like a knife in the heart or like an old love letter.
When you fall in love with someone badly, you’re ready to let him stab you in the heart with the way he treats you.
After some time though, you realize that that’s not how you want to spend your life.
The 30-Day No-Contact Rule is there to protect you from forcing yourself to handle more than you can take. You don’t have to prove that you are strong to anyone but yourself.
You’re the only person who’s going to know the real you for your entire life.
That’s why loving yourself is so important – and that’s not being selfish or narcissistic.
If you want to spend eternity with someone, try spending 30 days without him.
During that time, rethink your choice and figure out if you really want to spend more with him.
They say that time is money, but time is life and it passes differently in different situations.
When you apply the 30-day no-contact rule, feel free to put a calendar and cross the days off.
Don’t stop after the 30 days have passed, though. If you have broken up with a guy, these 30 days will help you see if you can live without him.
I know. Sometimes it feels like you can’t and it’s awful.
Imagine a man asking you “Would you live for me?” instead of “Would you die for me?”
Do you really want to be that attached to someone you could lose in some way?
Can you imagine how much more it would hurt after spending even more time together?
There should be a healthy distance in relationships – privacy is important. Sometimes, that’s the message hidden in needing time and space.
Let’s get to the point. Why is the 30-day no-contact rule so important and what it will do to your ex?
1. During the 30-day no-contact rule, your ex will at first feel calm
If your ex broke up with you, he will feel assured of the decision he’s made during the first stage of post-breakup.
There’s always a reacher and a settler in every relationship. Let me explain.
In relationships, the person in power is clearly the one that is ready and willing to walk away.
By having that attachment style, that person is forcing the other to be the one who reaches out.
The 30-day no-contact rule helps you turn the tables and gain back some power.
Relationships are all about compromise, right? Well, who is ready to make more compromises?
In an ideal relationship, you would both equally invest. Unfortunately, this is not always possible or people invest in different ways.
If your ex broke up with you, he has all the power. He is at that point established in the settler role.
You might be the one who’d equally settle, wouldn’t you?
The 30-day no-contact rule helps you become aware of that and makes him realize it too. Time is the key here.
2. He’ll start worrying because he isn’t hearing from you anymore
You know what tough love teaches us? Even if a man didn’t love you the way you wanted, he got used to hearing from you.
How much time did you two spend together and what did you do on regular basis? That is how serious your relationship was and what it was based on.
When you stop getting in touch, he won’t be able to ignore the lack of conversations you used to have.
He’ll remember things about you that he liked.
Maybe he stopped loving you but he, for instance, loved the way you laugh.
When he doesn’t hear from you anymore, he’ll start missing that particular laugh.
You will go through the same thing, just more intensively if you were the one who got broken up with.
Your ex wasn’t perfect and you didn’t love everything about him, right?
Try doing the opposite of what he’s unconsciously doing. Think of the things you didn’t like about him and try to remember them.
This will help you deromanticize your ex. In the meantime, he’ll start romanticizing you more.
3. He’ll get angry for getting ignored by you
Your ex might reach out to you during the no-contact period out of anger. You want him to do so out of love.
It’s not the same, and that’s why it’s important to wait for it.
Does he truly care enough for you to let you realize that you’re capable of living without him?
Can you give yourself enough time to see that you might even be better off that way?
These are some serious questions we often don’t even think about.
Maybe you just want your ex back and that’s perfectly normal.
We, in a way, get addicted to things we’re constantly exposed to – not to mention the feelings those things or people can cause.
That’s bad for us. We need to take a step back and rethink our decision to walk into someone’s world and make a difference in it.
A person you’re in a romantic relationship with significantly influences your world.
If he’s decided to walk away, he might have realized that he’s changing you for the worse.
Maybe, deep down, he even knows you deserve better. Still, he may get angry that he doesn’t get to have you for himself.
4. He’ll start realizing what he actually lost
When you lose something, it’s normal to think about what you had. And maybe it’s all a little romanticized, but what have you actually lost?
What kind of person has stopped being a part of your life and what influence has stopped?
Could you get the best out of him or it was clear that it would end in heartbreak?
Either way, when you stop talking, you start thinking about what you could say only to that person.
You remember what he could understand without having to explain it.
In a way, he was special to you and now you don’t have him anymore. You let him go, even if you were the one who walked away.
Where did you go and can you still be around in some way?
Your ex probably still looks at your social media profiles to see how you’ve been doing.
He might even be happy for you even if you’re doing better without him.
Sometimes, we have to drop the rock in order to be able to pick up a diamond.
Every relationship means something. The longer it lasts, the more it means.
Time is of the essence in life. Even though we are encouraged to live in the moment, we have to keep the future in mind and let go of the past.
You might see signs he misses you during the no-contact rule, but he might still not get in touch. Sometimes, it’s simply the right thing to do.
You both need to confront the truth at some point.
Is it your truth that you are meant to be together forever?
If so, you will get back in touch again, even after a long time. You will feel differently about each other then, though.
Things change with time, and you’ll begin to see that even in just 30 days.
It might not be crystal clear, but the distance helps to clear the fog of your strong feelings.
In some cases, your ex will apologize to you during this phase when he becomes aware of what he’s lost.
There’s a certain power of silence after a breakup, though. Actions speak louder than words, remember?
Sometimes, you love a person by wanting what’s best for him, even if that’s being with someone else instead of you.
Men are often quiet about their emotions and not used to expressing them as much as women.
If he broke up with you, it doesn’t necessarily mean you meant nothing to him.
5. He’ll start hoping to be in touch with you
What if my ex doesn’t contact me during no-contact? This might be the biggest question on your mind.
Well, he might hope that you’ll reach out again. Are you willing to be the reacher and let him be the settler?
What if you’re the one settling for less than what you deserve?
Maybe he even knows that, but who would want to admit that? Some things are better left unsaid (or so we think).
As time goes by, we start looking at our past relationships from a different point of view.
We see how different they became from when they first started out.
When you get into a relationship, you are led by your emotions, and as time progresses, you try to build a solid foundation and a deeper connection.
You need to work on your relationship and put effort into keeping it happy and healthy. Both of you.
You should both grow in a relationship.
Sometimes couples don’t make it, but there’s always something left. Your ex will still remember what you had.
After the breakup, he doesn’t see things clearly, but after some time he’ll start missing you.
He might even realize that he should have tried harder and loved you more to save your relationship.
Your ex will hope to hear from you again because what you had becomes a beautiful memory after some time.
Should you get back in touch with your ex?
If things have changed, maybe, but if you’re just romanticizing your past together, take some time to think things through.
6. He’ll get upset if you use the power of silence just to get him back
Yes, the no-contact rule can be used to manipulate someone into begging you for a second chance.
He’s probably not going to beg, but he’ll more than likely want to get another shot with you.
What should you do if that happens?
Ask yourself whether you really want him back. But don’t answer now, answer after the no-contact period. You might be surprised in the end…
Yes, you could make your ex come back by using the no-contact rule, but that’s not what you should use it for.
This is something you need to do to see things clearly.
We don’t see things as they are while we’re experiencing strong emotions.
Your relationship might have been toxic, but you still want your ex back. Why would you?
Even if you were happy together, you don’t want to trick him into coming back to you. He needs to make that decision on his own.
Now it’s time for you to think only about yourself. Use the no-contact rule to get over your ex, not to get him back.
Eventually, if and when he decides to come back, you’ll decide whether you want him in the first place.
Don’t forget that the reason for your breakup didn’t just go away.
What you had might have been special, but if it caused you pain it wasn’t true love. Love is not supposed to hurt.
Did it hurt? It might have hurt him too.
Don’t get back together if it will hurt you both in the long run, unless you’re in it for fun.
But keep in mind that fun things are often unhealthy and dangerous.
When we’re in love, we often neglect about our own well-being. We just get carried away and it makes us see things through rose-colored glasses.
Maybe you and your ex simply weren’t meant to be. If you get back together, you might end up breaking up again.
Do you feel like you couldn’t live without him?
If you do, you need time to get some distance and realize where you really stand with him.
Perhaps you’re looking for your forever person but have just run into someone who’ll share something special with you.
Wrapping up…
We can’t erase the past, but we can let go of it. You don’t want to carry that baggage into your future relationships.
What you should do is shift your focus away from your love life after a breakup, no matter how painful it feels.
Give yourself some time to figure out what you really want.
Stop idolizing your ex and try to see things objectively. Why did you break up in the first place?
Are you both willing and ready to work on the problems you had? If you just pretend that everything’s fine, it will only get worse.
Use the no-contact rule to make yourself happy. You can’t wait for any man to make you happy, you can be fine on your own.
You get to choose and decide what you want and what you will not tolerate. Remember that when your ex comes back and asks for another chance.
Don’t trick him into coming back when there’s someone who would have never left in the first place.
Your ex is just one of the many men out there, so make sure that he’s the right one for you before you decide to take him back.
Good luck!
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