Think aloud
Why do guys pull away before they commit? Girl, you’re not the only one asking this.
Everything was going great. Your relationship was slowly but surely progressing and you even had a talk about taking things to the next level.
But all of a sudden, you’ve stopped receiving his good morning texts. Your dates have started becoming more infrequent and you’ve noticed a significant change in his behavior.
All the things you used to do together have now been reduced to the bare minimum.
You realize that your guy is pulling away from you, but you can’t figure out why.
Is it because of something you did or said? Because he doesn’t love you anymore? If only you could find out the answer, everything would be so much easier.
You’ve heard that guys tend to pull away before they decide to commit, but you’re unsure why that happens. If he likes you and wants to take your relationship to the next level, then why’s he hitting the break?
To you, it doesn’t make any sense.
But if you could figure out what’s going through his mind, maybe it would be easier for you to respect your guy’s decision. Keep on reading if you want to find out the underlying reason why he’s decided to take a step back.
Why do guys pull away before they commit?
Believe it or not, there are many answers to this question.
It might look simple to you – it’s either he wants to be with you or not, there’s no in-between. But men usually look at things from a different perspective, which makes their actions different from yours.
So, if you and your guy had serious plans about your future and suddenly, he’s giving you a lot of reasons to believe that he’s pulling away from you, it doesn’t mean that he no longer likes you.
There could be various explanations for his move and you’re about to find out all of them. After you read this, you’ll be able to pinpoint why your guy is pulling away before he commits and know what to do about it.
1. Fear of rejection
This is one of the top reasons for guys pulling away before they commit to their significant other.
Maybe your guy has been hurt in the past, maybe he has low self-esteem. Whatever it is, he might feel that you’ll reject him if he shows you that he’s willing to commit and take your relationship to the next level.
This fear of rejection gets stronger and he starts to doubt his decision to commit to you and make your relationship exclusive.
What if you realize that he’s not the one for you? What if you reject him and shatter his dreams? These questions gnaw at him constantly and he can’t let go of them.
Instead of admitting his fear, he pulls away and creates a space between you and him.
He believes that taking some time to figure his feelings out will help him conquer his fear. He thinks that pulling away will calm him down and make all of the problems disappear.
Even though this isn’t the best way to deal with issues, it’s the only one he sees right now.
2. Fear of losing his independence
We all love our independence. That feeling that no one is observing your every move and looking for any mistakes in your actions.
Fear of losing this freedom is another potential answer to why guys pull away before they commit.
Chances are that he’s afraid that he won’t feel free as he used to before, and he doesn’t want that to happen. At the same time, he doesn’t want to lose you either.
That’s why he’s torn between two equally important feelings that pull him in opposing directions.
While he’s trying to figure out what his next step should be, he’ll need to take some time away from you. He won’t be completely gone, but you’ll notice a sudden change in his behavior and him subtly withdrawing from you.
If independence is an important part of his personality, then it’s obvious why he needs some time to think about everything. Right now, he feels that committing to you will take that away from him and no one wants to feel that way.
Let him take as much time as he needs and if he decides to come back, you’ll know that he’s serious about you.
3. Fear of being controlled
Every man fears ending up with a controlling woman who’ll want to direct every step he takes. So, when they think about committing to the girl they like, this fear of being controlled immediately pops up.
He thinks that the moment the two of you commit to each other, you’ll be the one to plan his life. You’ll nag him for spending too much time with friends or forbid him from hanging out with certain people.
No one wants to be controlled, and in this case, things get even more complicated as there’s a chance that he might be controlled by you – the girl he likes.
That’s why he needs some time to figure out his next step because he’s not really sure what’s going to happen.
What if you end up being controlling and predetermine his every step? What could he do then as he doesn’t want to lose you?
So, if you notice that this is the fear your guy’s currently facing, then show him that you won’t end up being a controlling woman he’s so afraid of.
Let him have his personal space and don’t keep interrogating his every action and decision. If you can’t trust him, then you shouldn’t be in a relationship with him in the first place.
4. Fear of not being good enough for you
Believe it or not, many guys are afraid that they won’t be good enough for their partner.
They’re afraid that once they commit and start getting more comfortable in a relationship, their partners will realize that they don’t have anything to offer and walk away from them.
So, even though your guy might be acting all tough and macho, deep down, he might be insecure about who he is and what he has to offer as a boyfriend.
What if you realize that you don’t like him? Or what if you disagree with his values and opinions? What if he can’t give you everything you expect him to?
All these thoughts are running around his mind and he can’t stop them.
It’s clear that his insecurity is forcing him to pull away from you because he needs to be sure that you won’t leave him the moment you get to know him better.
He’s looking for your approval, a sign that he’s lovable enough and that you actually see the potential in him. This guy is waiting for you to show him that you want him in his life.
If you’re wondering why your guy is pulling away at the thought of committing, this reason is definitely a stronger possibility than you think.
He wants you in his life but the fear of not being good enough for you is preventing him from taking the next step in your relationship.
5. Fear of becoming vulnerable
Taking your relationship to the next level brings many changes in your life.
Besides committing and accepting the fact that your heart will belong to one person only, there’s also this another part that men are afraid of most – getting vulnerable.
When a guy commits to a woman, he gets closer to her. Their relationship deepens and many things that have never been spoken about become open topics of conversation.
If you’re a woman reading this, you won’t see anything bad in this. Just two people getting to know each other better.
But almost every man will think otherwise. Instead of wanting to achieve this deep level of connection, they will get scared of being vulnerable.
This is also one of the reasons why do guys pull away before they commit. They know that commitment takes things to a whole another level, but the thing is that they’ve probably never been there.
They’re unfamiliar with how it feels to open up to the person you love and share your deepest secrets with them. And that unknown territory is what scares them the most.
The fear of being vulnerable is one of the reasons why many men remain emotionally unavailable, even with the people that mean the most to them.
What if he says something that makes him look less manly? What if he cries in front of you? How would you feel about him then?
These are all legitimate fears in his mind that make him pull away from you. He wants to commit to you, he truly does, but he just doesn’t know how to do it without exposing himself and making himself vulnerable in front of you.
But if men only knew that we love them even more the moment they open up and share parts of themselves they’ve never shared before, they would never worry about opening up to us.
6. Fear of getting hurt
If your guy has been hurt in the past, then he’ll be afraid to go experience the same thing again. Even though he likes you and wants to try with you, he’s unsure of what the future holds.
What if you end up being like every other woman from his past? What if you break his heart? He knows how much it hurts and how hard it is to make the pain go away.
No matter how loving you are now, he can’t let go of the fear that you might hurt his feelings one day. And that’s not what he wants.
So, this fear of getting hurt is also one of the reasons why guys pull away before they commit. It’s a nagging feeling they can’t ignore, no matter how hard they try.
Maybe you think that men are better with breakups than women, but heartbreak hurts the same way, no matter who you are.
The worst thing is that men believe they have to suffer silently so others don’t see them as less manly (but that’s a story in itself).
The point is your guy might be afraid you’ll break his heart and leave him, and that’s why he’s pulled away, even though he wants to commit to you. He needs some time to process his fear.
So, don’t cross him out of your life and stop convincing yourself that he no longer likes you. There’s always another side of the story that you might not understand right away.
7. Uncertainty if he’ll make the right decision
One of the possible reasons why do guys pull away before they commit is because they’re not sure if they will make the right decision. And they know that committing and taking your relationship to the next level is a huge thing.
Maybe he’s afraid that your future plans won’t match up and that your relationship will end sooner than it began. Or maybe he feels that there are many other women in the world and what if he misses “the one” because of you.
If you notice that he’s pulled away because he’s afraid of losing out on a better option, then the best thing for you to do is to end the relationship right now.
If he’s choosing between you and other girls, then you should back off and let him pick one of the others.
When you notice that he doesn’t feel it in his bones that you’re the right one for him, then there’s nothing that’s keeping you in the relationship. You deserve better.
8. The fast pace of your relationship
If your relationship has been moving too fast, then it’s obvious that your guy wants to pull away for a second and take a breather.
It’s all happened so fast that he hasn’t had the time to really think about your relationship. Is he with you because he truly loves you or because it all took him by surprise and he had no idea what he was doing?
If you want a guy to commit to you, you want him to be sure that he’s doing it for all the right reasons. You want to know that it was his decision from the beginning and that you didn’t pressure him into it in any way.
If you realize that you’ve been taking things faster than they should, then maybe it’s best for both of you to step back for a second. If you see that it can help you, then you shouldn’t run away from it.
9. He wants to sort out other problems in his life before committing to you
If a guy is seriously thinking about committing to you, then he might pull away in order to sort other issues in his life. Maybe he doesn’t want to introduce them into your relationship and he needs some time to figure things out.
You need to be aware that your relationship isn’t the only thing he has to focus on. There are his friends and family, his career, his life goals, and perhaps even some unresolved issues.
And maybe he doesn’t want to bother you with any of them. So, he pulls away for some time and gives himself room to sort everything out.
This doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want to be with you. It actually goes to say that he wants to be happy with every aspect of his life before he fully commits to you.
Then, he’ll be able to focus on you 100%. So, show him your support and respect his wish for time and space.
It’ll be worth it, trust me.
10. He needs time to let go of his past traumas
One of the reasons why do guys pull away before they commit is because they need some time to deal with past traumas. If your guy has been hurt or let down before, then this could be why he’s backed off all of a sudden.
He knows how much responsibility commitment entails, and to him, it’s no joke. He wants to be sure that you’ll be there for him and won’t bail on him the second things get hard.
And it’s hard to know that when every other partner from his past left him.
That’s why now he needs to know that he’s taking the right step. He needs to know that you won’t disappear all of a sudden. And to do that, he might need some more time.
We all process things differently and our emotional baggage varies. That’s why it’s important to respect his needs and let him deal with issues the way he wants and needs to.
It might look wrong to you, but you need to respect his choices.
What to do when he pulls away before he decides to commit to you?
Now that you know why do guys pull away before they commit, you also need to know what to do if you find yourself in this situation.
If your guy decides to take some time and backs off, is there something that you should be doing?
Before I give you a list of things you should start practicing, there’s one thing that comes before everything:
TRY TO UNDERSTAND HIM.
We’re all different and we all do things that other people might not agree with or understand.
But it doesn’t mean that any of us are wrong. It just means that we have a different way of dealing with life’s issues.
So, when your guy pulls away, the first thing you should do is try to understand him. Walk a mile in his shoes and try to see where he’s coming from.
Show him that you respect his decision and you’ll be there for him whenever he needs you. Once you do this, everything will be easier.
Now, let’s move on to what you should do when he pulls away from you.
1. Don’t pressure him
When guys pull away before they commit, the last thing they need is constant pressure to make a decision.
Trust me, he’s already under so much stress – he doesn’t need you to keep reminding him that he needs to make a call. He knows that all too well and he’s trying to deal with it.
So, take a step back and let him do what he thinks is best. That’s the only way you can both end up happy.
2. Give him enough time to process his feelings
Right now, your guy needs some time. He needs to figure things out on his own, without you constantly reminding him how much time has passed.
This allows him to make the best decision and the one he’ll be completely happy with.
Of course, you won’t wait the rest of your life for him to make a decision. But you can always set a reasonable time-frame in which you expect him to figure out the next step.
If he fails to do it, then maybe you aren’t meant to be.
3. Stop texting and calling him all the time
When a guy pulls away to figure out what he wants, the last thing you should be doing is bombarding him with calls and texts.
He needs some time to figure out what he wants, and if you fail to give him that, he’ll interpret it as you not respecting him and his needs.
If you truly like him and want the two of you to work out, then he needs you to understand him and give him some space.
Texting him all the time won’t help him figure out if he wants to commit to you. It’ll only make him pull away even further because of all the pressure you’re piling onto him.
4. Focus on yourself
When a guy pulls away before he commits, it’s the perfect opportunity to focus on yourself.
Instead of stressing yourself out with the outcome of his decision, make yourself a priority for a change.
All this time, you’ve been taking care of him and of your relationship. Now it’s time to do something for yourself.
Not only it will help you build your confidence and be happier about yourself, but it’ll also show him that you know how to live life, even without him by your side.
If you know how to love yourself the right way, others will follow your lead.
