Did he approach you with nothing but pure interest in who you are and where do you come from? He made you feel special by asking all of those personal questions? Unfortunately, darling, you were in a relationship with a narcissist and this is the first red flag you’ve missed.
There’s no need to beat yourself up with questions, assumptions, and what-ifs. I can bet you’re wondering why did a narcissist choose you. There’s no specific reason; I’d rather say that you were in the wrong place at the wrong time. It’s difficult to simply accept it, but you’ll have to.
Nobody wants to be a victim of narcissistic abuse, and you probably still can’t believe that the guy you loved is someone who hurt you. It’s always difficult to accept that, especially when you’re the one who clearly saw red flags before.
What happened with him? How could you not notice the typical behavior of a narcissist? Well, he’s a professional at his game and that’s why you failed to notice all the warning signs. But, why did he choose you? Let me help you with that a bit.
1. You saw the good in him
Do you see good in people in general and do you tend to overlook their bad habits? Even if you’ve noticed that something’s off, he proved you wrong. He was telling you how much he loves and appreciates you, how he’s lucky to have you and he was showering you with gifts.
He was probably love-bombing you and you believed it. It’s pretty easy to disregard something bad that happened if the person you love tells you that he’s going to change. Of course, you’ll buy it because you want wholeheartedly for that to be true.
2. You were easy to manipulate
I know that you don’t want to hear this, but one of the reasons why a narcissist chose you was because you were easy to manipulate. You believed everything he told you and you never second-guessed his intentions.
He used all of his tricks and you didn’t even realize he was gaslighting you, or that he was neglecting your needs. Perhaps he convinced you that you were not worthy, and you were always thinking about what you were going to say.
3. You perfectly fit in his false reality
He always imagined how he’ll have a successful and gorgeous girlfriend and there you are, sitting in a corner of his favorite local pub. There’s no doubt that he’ll approach you and try to win you over. Since you’re reading this, he did it.
You helped him improve his false reality and you contributed with all your qualities. Maybe you had financial stability, or you could give him a perfect little family and he was really attracted to that. Something went wrong down the road though and here we are…
4. You’re compassionate
Narcissists love to be around people who are compassionate and have high levels of empathy. That may be one of the reasons he chose you. You’re a natural giver and he’ll take everything he can get. Your emotional support, validation, emotions – everything.
He perfectly knows how to play a victim and you’ll find excuses for his behavior. Your gut feeling usually warns you about this and you tend to read between the lines, but this time something went wrong. Believing that people only have bad moments and that they are not actually bad, led you here.
5. You’re codependent
This is when the trauma bonding process happens. You probably had a bad experience when you were a kid and you believe that you’re depending on your partner. Imagining your day without seeing him seems super scary and that helped him to manipulate you.
He knew exactly what to tell you and how to pick your wounds when they just started healing. He convinced you that he’s the right choice and that no other man will accept your broken self. You were the perfect girl for him, even if you were “damaged good”, as he made you believe.
6. You’re a hopeless romantic
You’re the one that still believes in fairy tales and doesn’t want to stop fighting for love. He knew you’ll try everything in your power to save the relationship you two shared, even though it was an abusive one. You’re ready to go above and beyond for someone you truly care about.
Clearly, you’ve missed signs that your relationship was toxic and now you have to deal with the consequences. I know it’s not going to be easy, but you have to accept what happened and move on, for your own good.
7. You didn’t put clear boundaries
Perhaps you were abused in childhood or your needs were neglected and therefore you can’t put clear boundaries for other people. It can also happen that you were constantly seeking the approval of your elders and caregivers and you continued to do so in your adult relationships.
When you’re not putting yourself first and at the same time asking for validation from others, you give enough space to a narcissist to use you. He’ll play hot and cold, always come back with excuses and you’ll forgive him again for hurting you.
8. You were willing to take away some of his burdens
Because you’ve been through a lot, you’re always ready to help someone out. What kind of person would you be if you wouldn’t help your partner? You were always listening to his problems and willing to take away some of his burdens.
That’s the reason he wanted to keep you by his side. He’ll use everything good in you simply because it’s in his nature to exploit the goodness of other people. Since you’ve always been the one to help, he’s going to use it in his favor.
9. You’re everything he’ll never be
You have a beautiful heart and mind, you’re kind and generous – absolutely everything he’ll never be. People love to spend time with you and you tend to prioritize others over yourself. You’re a loving, warmhearted individual that others find extremely attractive.
You don’t seek admiration from others and don’t need their confirmation that you truly are a unique human being. Being self-confident and knowing your worth is something he’ll never truly have. If we’re talking honestly, he wants to be you and that’s the reason why a narcissist chose you.
Stay true to yourself, heal after the narcissistic abuse and live a happy life far away from the one who hurt you. I’m sure you can do it. You’re a strong woman with a good support system and you’ll overcome all the difficulties he put you through. You can love yourself again. Good luck, baby girl!