Think aloud
When someone you love hurts you deeply with words, you feel like your entire world is falling apart. You can’t even comprehend why they’d do it, let alone how you should react, especially when your significant other is the person in question.
Your relationship is starting to rip at the seams because of this. You’re scared that this behavior will continue but you hold on to the person he was before he started to act this way.
The more you keep things inside yourself, the more you’ll start to build resentment toward him. You want to forgive him and move on but when someone hurts you that much, you’re at a loss for words.
When someone you love hurts you deeply, you want to forgive them. That’s something you need to do to move on but nothing feels right around him anymore.
It doesn’t matter what you’re trying to do to excuse his behavior and forget the words that came out of his mouth, it’s still embedded deep inside your mind. That’s why your heart breaks every single time you look at him.
You understand that your partner (just like every other person) is still human. We all make mistakes. You’ve hurt someone before as well but that doesn’t mean that you forgive yourself for it.
So, is there anything that can be done? Is there anything that explains his behavior?
The good thing is that you found this article because it can help you figure things out and deal with this in a way that’ll be healing for your relationship.
When someone you love hurts you deeply, there must be a reason
It’s not easy when you love a man so deeply and he still hurts you. He probably doesn’t even understand what he did wrong at this point. He’ll find any and every excuse in the book to explain his behavior.
Well, there could be an actual explanation for his behavior. The fact that he hurt you only means that something was amiss, especially if he’s never done so before.
If he’s someone who hurts you daily and you forgive him over and over again, you need to leave that relationship right away. We haven’t even gotten to the advice part of this article but I need to make sure you understand that perfectly.
No one is entitled to break your heart or hurt your feelings. Your feelings are valid and they make you question everything. So how can anything be a good enough reason for this behavior?
1. They’re going through a stressful time in their life right now
When someone you love hurts you deeply, it could be because they’re going through a very stressful time in their life right now. When your partner, whether it’s your boyfriend or husband, wounds you, you need to keep in mind that something like this can explain his behavior but doesn’t excuse it.
You should still expect an apology but at this point, you should look at his current situation in life. If he has a lot of problems at work or issues with his family, it could cause him a lot of emotional pain and that pain in itself is reason enough to not be able to think clearly.
You know that yourself from experience. Maybe you won’t hurt someone just because you had a bad day but it’s a lot harder to contain your words when you’re already under stress.
When you’re in a good mood, you’ll never say anything bad to someone. You’ll never make them feel awful or get pleasure from it.
Even your partner will have bad days. So, when someone does hurt your feelings, especially someone whom you love dearly, it could just be a response to the stress they’re under.
2. They’re trying to push you away
When someone you love hurts you deeply, it could simply be because they’re trying to push you away. To be completely honest with you, you should want to know why they’re doing that. Pushing you away can only lead you to try harder to show them that you’re worthy of a chance.
You see, you need to start believing people when they tell you something about themselves. You may have been with someone who told you that they couldn’t love anyone, they hurt others, and that they were bad news. You probably just thought that they were being dramatic and you didn’t listen.
Well, that’s your savior complex talking. You want to be the person they trust and if that’s your current partner, you want to show him that he can love you more than anyone ever, even though that’s not your responsibility.
So when that person hurts you, you immediately feel betrayed, even though they already told you their true intentions. You have no right to get mad at them if you chose to spend your days next to them.
It doesn’t matter whether this is related to your love interest, your friends, or a family member. The very moment they tell you that they hurt everyone they encounter, you should believe them.
3. They’re dealing with their own psychological issues
This person you love deeply, the one who hurt you so badly, are they dealing with something? Do you know whether this someone is going through a psychological trauma?
When people are dealing with anxiety, depression, or another issue, they may tend to be apathetic at times. If we’re talking about your partner right now, you need to understand that he can’t deal with his psychological trauma the same way other people do.
Everyone has their way of coping with things. Does that mean that you should just stand around and deal with it? No. But that also means that this person isn’t fully responsible for his initial reaction to things.
People who have gone through a lot and are fighting their demons can feel numb at times. That’s when they don’t think before they speak. He may say something that breaks your heart but it’s probably not even his fault to begin with.
4. They don’t care about your feelings
You’ll want to completely brush this one aside but it could be the truth. You just need to be able to admit this possibility to yourself.
When you love someone deeply and it hurts you when they say something without thinking, you want to believe that it was an accident. Most of the time, it’s not an accident, though, especially if they do it more often than not.
That’s when you know that this person simply doesn’t care about your feelings. They don’t care about you, nor about your reaction to the words that come out of their mouth.
Their actions will always be the best representation of what they think about you. You can break a sweat trying to show people what an amazing human being you are and you can put all your effort into them and still not get the same energy in return.
However, there must be some reason why you decided to give all of your love to that person. Your partner, for example, was perhaps someone who gave you the type of love that made you stay but that doesn’t mean that he’ll always be a saint.
On the other hand, if this behavior occurs more often than not, then he’s just using you for his own gains. He doesn’t care about your feelings or the way he makes you feel, as long as you stay put and don’t leave him.
5. They don’t respect you
When someone you love hurts you deeply, it could be because they don’t respect you. It hurts me to say this but our family members are usually the ones who hurt us the most out of disrespect.
It’s been psychologically proven that parents often don’t feel respect for their children. They see them as less because they brought them into this world. But that’s a whole lot of gibberish.
Someone you love can disrespect you and your boundaries to the point where you feel like you’re going crazy. This happens because they feel like they have a right to your time and attention at all times.
You love those people, especially if we’re talking about your parents or your siblings. You’ve spent your entire life with them and you’re grateful for all the things they’ve done for you. However, they can break your heart daily.
Is it up to you to teach them how to treat you right? Or are you simply responding to create boundaries between you and them? With family, you never know.
So, instead of breaking apart and trying to convince them that you’re worthy of respect, you should make sure that you know you can’t change them. You can distance yourself emotionally and that’s about it.
6. You hurt them first
It’s petty but most people are very driven when it comes to revenge. They think that you were rude to them or that you made them feel sad and when you make someone experience feelings like that, they immediately want you to hurt the way they do.
Your partner could do something to you just to get a reaction out of you. You hurt him so he’ll say or do something that’ll leave you speechless after you broke his heart first.
When you know for a fact that you didn’t do anything wrong, you can’t blame yourself for your actions. Narcissists and abusers will make you feel like their behavior is always your fault, which is not true.
That’s why you need to be careful when you try to blame yourself. I mean, when someone else hurts you, your immediate thought isn’t to hurt them in return.
As you can see, there’s never a good enough reason to hurt someone. However, if you did hurt the person and they’re out to cause you pain in return, then you should be able to apologize and see what you can do to make things better.
7. They’re jealous of you
When someone you love hurts you deeply, it can also be because they’re jealous of you. You don’t want to believe that someone would do such a thing because of something this trivial but you can’t just ignore the truth.
You shouldn’t be that surprised by this reason for someone’s mistreatment of you. People do many atrocious things out of jealousy and envy.
Their jealousy could’ve been sparked by a current development in your life – for example, if you got a promotion or a new job. Another reason can be something like if you achieved another milestone in your life, like getting engaged or married.
Someone could simply see your success as an attack on their ego. If you love that person so much, they should be genuinely happy for you but sometimes, we can’t choose whom we love.
Your partner could even experience envy, like if you have a better relationship with your parents than he does or if you’re more successful than he is. In those situations, you can feel like you’re to blame for his emotions, when all you’re doing is being the best version of yourself.
You’re happy for him, you’re happy when someone you love hits another milestone in their life. A person who loves you just as much in return will be genuinely happy for you and not jealous instead.
8. They think you’ll never leave them
What are the chances that this person is taking you for granted? Could it be that they believe you’ll never set any boundaries between them and yourself?
Well, if that’s the issue then you should run for the hills. It’s not the same thing when someone doesn’t love you or respect you as it is when they take you for granted. When someone doesn’t love you, they see your worth in their life and they’ll do anything to keep you around.
Someone who doesn’t appreciate everything you’re doing and doesn’t think that you’ll ever leave will continue to break you. They believe that you’ll take whatever they throw at you.
You need to understand that a person can’t learn how to appreciate your presence until the moment they lose you for good. They’ll continue to hurt you until you put your foot down and say that it’s enough.
What can you do when someone you love hurts you deeply?
Now that you understand some of the things that could’ve led to this problem, you can start looking at what you can do in this situation.
I understand that you can’t just stand aside and wait for things to unravel by themselves. You need to do something. If you don’t, then it’ll just continue to hurt until the pain consumes you entirely.
So let’s consider your options.
1. Communicate the issues and don’t react on instinct
Your instinct will tell you to react immediately but you need to focus right now. Be aware of the fact that you need to communicate about everything when someone you love hurts you deeply.
You probably want to scream at that person and make sure they understand just how much pain they’re putting you through. For that exact reason, you should first take some time to clear your mind and calm your nerves.
Make sure you communicate about this properly without any hysterics involved. Be open-minded and calm to get the most out of this situation.
When you go to meet with your partner, family member, friend, or whoever it is that hurt you, choose a place where you feel safe. Choose somewhere where it’s likely that no one will lose their temper.
Have a mental list of questions you’ll ask. Whatever that person may say or do, just know that your feelings are valid. Communicate that with them and their reaction will tell you a lot.
2. Understand that you’re not always right
Sometimes, we get so lost in our anger that we’re not able to see our fault in a situation. If you were the one who started this entire ordeal, then take a few steps back.
Why is your ego inflated this much? Just let it rest for a while and try to see everything from the other person’s perspective. Could it be that you’ve been the issue all along?
Well, understand that you’re the problem and that you can’t always be right however much you may try to do so. Everyone makes mistakes. We’re all human and everyone does the best they can.
3. Apologize for your own wrongdoings
The best thing you can do now is apologize. When someone you love hurts you deeply because of your wrongdoings, you should express regret for what you did or said.
Nonetheless, this also applies to them. You have to hear an apology and see the change in their behavior to know for sure that they’re sorry for hurting you. If you don’t get an apology or you do get an apology but without any changes, then you know that they don’t care about your feelings.
Someone who cares and wants to make you feel safe will show you how invested they are in making you happy. You know how awful you feel when you hurt someone you love deeply, so they should experience that as well.
If you see where you went wrong, be ready to take responsibility and apologize.
4. Protect your own peace of mind
Your peace of mind is so much more important than anything else in this world and no relationship is worthy of disturbing it. That’s why you need to create boundaries like a high-value woman and create a space where you’re only surrounded by people who respect that.
If you need to explain to people over and over again that they can’t cross your boundaries without consequences then they’re mistaken. Protect your feelings, because you need to be the one to take care of yourself. You’re the only person who’ll wake up tomorrow in your skin and because of that, you should love yourself the most.
You can’t keep hurting yourself by ignoring your boundaries or your mental health. Your peace of mind is something that only you can take care of. You’re not a child anymore.
Once you apologize and try to communicate with someone else, don’t stick around and wait for them to understand your perspective of things. Sometimes, a person won’t take on their part of the responsibility. They just ignore you and think that they’ve done everything right.
You may be crying your eyes out but they believe that they’re not the problem. Is it worth losing your serenity over?
5. Understand that some people are beyond saving
When someone you love deeply hurts you and doesn’t feel remorseful for it, just let them go. Walking away and experiencing that heartbreak will hurt much less than sticking around and believing that everything will be okay.
Some people are simply beyond saving. You’ll often meet someone incapable of understanding that they’ve done anything wrong. Even if they do understand it, they don’t know how to deal with it. They don’t know how to change it.
It doesn’t matter whether it’s a family member, a friend, or your partner who’s beyond saving, it’s not your responsibility. Every adult is responsible for themselves. You can’t hold their hand through the process of becoming a better person.
Of course, you can support them but you can’t sit next to them every single day and repeat the same sentences over and over again until they start to change. That’s not your job. That’s the job of a good doctor or therapist.
They’re responsible for the way they act and the way they experience life. If they don’t want to move forward in life with you by their side, then that’s fine as well. You need to be able to separate yourself from this and start a life that will make you happy.
Life is too short to surround yourself with people who have nothing better to do but to remind you each day how much someone can break your heart. You deserve better than that. So go and seek that out.
When someone you love hurts you deeply, you can’t always forgive them. Sometimes, you just need to walk away.
