Think aloud
“My husband loves to hear about my past lovers. Does he love to hurt himself?”
It’s awfully hard to remain rational in this situation. You want to give him all the info that he’s asking for because he’s your husband! He’s the man you plan to spend the rest of your life with, but you can see the way he reacts when you do.
Every single piece of information that you share with him ends with an argument or awkward silence. He obviously isn’t able to deal with this info in a healthy way.
So why is continuously trying to find out more? Is he just jealous or are there some ulterior motives behind his persistence?
It’s painful to think that your partner has been with other people before you came around. Of course, it’s natural to want to know if you’re in some way more special to your partner, so you end up comparing yourself to his exes.
We’ve all been there at one point or another, so why should it be such a taboo?
Well, there’s a boundary that should never be crossed. That boundary is that you shouldn’t have to tell him anything unless you feel comfortable with it. It’s also an issue if the info you do share with him in any way influences your relationship with him.
Those may include your past lovers and in my opinion, the fact that your husband loves to hear about them can only mean that he’s not feeling secure in your relationship.
Why does my husband love to hear about my past lovers?
He must have some kind of reason for his constant inquiries. Something’s happening in his head that won’t let him drop the subject, so he drags you down with his own mental health.
I’m saying this because too much information about topics like this definitely can only damage your relationship. You shouldn’t keep things from your partner, of course not, but it’s hard to draw a line here.
You want to give him all the info he’s asking for because he deserves to know. But even though you can’t pinpoint it, you can see that it does have some type of impact on him.
If he doesn’t let the subject go, then you could even consider it a red flag. Why is he constantly trying to upset you? You probably don’t even like to think back to those times. Those are your exes we’re talking about!
Why would you want to relive those same memories over and over again? It’s just so painfully obvious that it hurts you, so he’s not doing either of you a favor.
In my opinion, the fact that your husband loves to hear about your past lovers isn’t healthy for your marriage.
In this article, we’ll talk about his possible reasons, as well as what you can do in order to turn this into something productive and healthy. Your marriage shouldn’t suffer because of men who aren’t in your life anymore.
1. He’s jealous
Jealousy is a very nasty emotion. No one knows how to deal with this involuntary reaction to the thought of our partner being with someone else.
Even though you’ve been with this man for quite some time, just the fact that you’ve ever had someone else’s hands on you drives him crazy and he can’t seem to just let it go.
On the other hand, you don’t even have to know about his past lovers. You have him right now, he’s your husband. So why does he keep acting as if this is such a big deal?
Well, his jealousy is clouding his mind. It’s making him ask you irrationally personal questions about your past lovers. He asks about the things you did together and if you liked it or not.
Why would anyone want to hear about all of this when they know that it won’t bring them anything good? It will only hurt him.
He has an insatiable need to be the best of the best. He wants to know where they failed so that he can show you that he’s better than anyone else.
You can gauge if he’s jealous just by analyzing his facial expressions. When you do talk about your ex-lovers, watch for the way his brow twitches or how the corner of his mouth spasms.
He will try to show you a neutral facial expression, but you’ll be able to see this little involuntary reaction to your stories.
2. He wants to mock you
“When my husband wants to hear about my past lovers, is he trying to mock me?”
This is a very valid question. Sometimes, you’re left to deal with a man who simply loves to remind you that he’s the best thing that ever happened to you.
He makes himself seem like the hero in your story because, in his opinion, every single one of your past lovers was a joke.
He doesn’t even want to acknowledge when you say that you had fun with them or that you enjoyed their presence in your life at the time.
This man will make it clear that he doesn’t believe you and he’ll continue to make inappropriate comments.
He feels entitled to his opinion, without any regard to your feelings and how you’re hurt by his comments.
Sometimes, you manage to smile and laugh with him, because at times the stories really are funny. But most of the time, it’s not funny to mock your past experiences.
You made a decision that was the right one at that time. Right now, he’s just making you feel guilty for enjoying yourself in the presence of another man.
3. He’s insecure
To be completely honest with you, this is the most common reason for men acting like this. Even if he seems like the most confident person in this world, he’s still insecure if he continues to question you about your exes.
You should be able to keep these things to yourself, but he keeps on probing you about it. And then every single time you do share, he makes you reassure him that he’s perfect and that you’re done with those men.
For goodness sake, he’s your husband! He’s the one who put a ring on your finger and you said yes to him. Why is he still concerned about men who have been out of your life for a long time already?
Well, he’s clearly insecure about your feelings for him or perhaps his own performance in bed. In some way, he doesn’t believe that he’s good enough for you.
If you end up complimenting any of your ex-lovers on their performance in bed, your husband seems like he just may start crying. It’s awful to see a grown man be so insecure about something so trivial.
You love him for the person he is, yet he continues to show you that he isn’t sure about himself or your feelings.
It’s not easy to figure out if this is the case unless you have a serious conversation about this. If you know your husband well and you’re able to pick up his body language, then you may figure this out easily.
But in another situation, you’ll have to read between the lines and try to notice the underlying messages behind his questions and comments.
4. He needs an ego boost
When your partner is an egomaniac, letting him know about your past lovers will make you trust him less.
He will bring you down for even being with men who aren’t him. Whenever you say that you regret your decision, he will be happy with himself.
This will take a huge toll on your marriage. This is quite a sensitive topic, as you were vulnerable enough to share it with him, but he’s just using you to make himself feel better. That’s just awful.
He’s proud of his own past, though. Even if you try to play down his previous experiences, he makes some comments about how he was always the best lover to his exes.
This doesn’t really help your situation – if anything, it only makes it worse.
You can see how he becomes smugger and smugger with all the info you give him.
This just hurts your feelings further because he thrives on knowing that you didn’t have a good time before you met him. It’s not really the reaction you wanted to see.
5. He wants you to be transparent with him
“My husband loves to hear about my past lovers” isn’t a statement that has space for many different conclusions. However, if you’re in a loving and caring marriage, it could just be that he wants you to be transparent with him.
Sometimes, there’s not much philosophy behind it. It’s just the fact that your partner genuinely wants to know what happened so that he can learn from it.
He doesn’t do it to find some reassurance for himself or to make you feel bad about it. He wants to be able to trust you and to see how things were before he arrived on the scene.
Of course, this could turn into obsessive behavior, even if starts out with pure intentions. He may ask you about anything and everything just to see your reaction and the way you’ll talk about them.
But your husband may just be wanting to lay a secure foundation for your marriage so that you can move forward. Your past experiences will inform him enough to never hurt you like those men before him did.
Giving an overview of your experience can help him learn a lot about you and your preferences. The issue begins when he regularly tries to bring this topic back up and makes inquiries about too many uncomfortable details.
6. Your past keeps coming back to your present
Does he have a rational reason for asking so many questions? Have you considered that it could be your own fault?
Do you still talk to any of your exes? Do you make comments about them? Or even worse, has he seen you a little bit too excited in the presence of your ex?
When things like this happen, when your past keeps coming back to your present, your husband is bound to question you. He’s compelled to do so because he doesn’t feel secure enough with you at that point.
You are giving him a reason to bug you. There’s no reason for you to be mad at him or be annoyed by his behavior if you continuously make him question your loyalty.
What would happen if you were the one to see his ex flirt with him after years of being together? Would you really be that indifferent, because you know that they had a past together and now he doesn’t mind indulging her behavior?
Please make sure that you’re not just ignoring your own double standards. Cut the man some slack and stop doing whatever it is that’s making him act this way. He deserves better than that and you know it.
7. He’s asking for your own good
It doesn’t sound as possible as the rest of the reasons on this list, but if your husband is truly a good person, then this is probably what’s going on. He doesn’t want to make the same mistakes and he doesn’t want to hurt you as they did.
The fact that your husband loves to hear about your past lovers is actually a good thing if he’s asking in this context. He’s thinking about all the ways those men before him made you feel and how he can be better than them.
This man wants to make sure to give you the best time of your life. He wants you to feel loved and protected next to him.
He also wants the best for you! When he asks you about your past lovers, it’s because he genuinely wants to be able to protect you from them, especially if they were abusive or anything along those lines.
My husband loves to hear about my past lovers: What should I do?
If you’ve genuinely considered the reasons behind this issue in your marriage, then you’re ready to deal with it. You have to understand his reasons, you’re there for him, but you also have to clear your own head.
When he continuously asks about your past lovers, you’re left with very awful conversations, followed by awkward tensions. This isn’t healthy for your marriage and your husband should be able to acknowledge that.
He has to be able to understand your reasons for feeling this way. To make it easier for you, we’ve considered a few solutions to your problem.
1. Consider if you feel comfortable talking about this
There’s a good chance that the only reason you’re weirded out by this is the fact that other people find it unusual. You could be completely fine with it, but society has made sure to turn this into a problem.
You could also consider how much you’re comfortable sharing with him. There are probably questions that obviously cross your boundaries and you don’t even want to talk about them with him.
You don’t want to get into certain details that may trigger you or dig up some bad memories.
Other things could be completely fine for you to share with him because you don’t feel like he’s reading into them too much.
You just have to find the right balance. How comfortable with this? Which stories make you feel insecure and stupid for sharing.
You control this entire thing. These are your stories and they’re yours to share or keep if you want to.
2. Don’t give him any reason to doubt you
Sure, I don’t know what’s going on in your life. But if it was my husband who loves to hear about my past lovers, I would definitely consider whether I gave him a reason to doubt me.
That’s why I’m telling you to think thoroughly about the things that you do and say around your exes. Think about what you’re doing to make him act like that.
He probably wasn’t like this at the very beginning of your relationship, so something must have triggered it. You can’t expect him to act differently if he has every reason to doubt you.
Do you still follow any of your exes on your social media? Have you contacted any of them at any point in your relationship or marriage?
When he has a reason to doubt you, he’ll continue to ask questions to see how you’ll react. He wants to know everything so that he can be sure that you won’t hurt him.
He’s just looking out for himself. You can’t really blame him for it.
It’s your fault if you’ve given him any reason to doubt your loyalty and love. Take a moment, put yourself in his shoes, understand his situation and show him that he’s your one and only. That’s when he’ll stop asking so much.
3. Have a serious conversation with him
After you’ve taken some time out to ask yourself about this issue and figure out the reasons behind it, consider having a serious chat with him.
You need to talk things through, or they’ll only escalate and your entire marriage will eventually become extremely toxic.
Articulate your thoughts in a way that lets him know you’re being serious and honest about this entire situation. Be sure to show him empathy as well. Don’t just undermine his feelings and, whatever you do, don’t gaslight him.
His feelings are valid, but yours are too. You have to be able to talk about this with your husband or you’ll have to continue ignoring the issue as it is and enduring the current situation.
How long will you be able to stay silent? Not forever, that’s for sure. So it’s better to just be open about it.
4. Set clear boundaries
Both of you have the right to set your boundaries. They’re there to protect you emotionally and to remind you that you deserve the things that you want.
That’s why you have to set boundaries. Ask him what his boundaries are and then tell him about your own. If you can’t talk with your man about this, then you’ve got yourselves a bigger issue.
When you tell me, “My husband wants to know about my past lovers,” it’s a huge red flag only when he doesn’t want to change his behavior to make you more comfortable.
If he’s an egomaniac, he will turn this against you and not let you live this down. He will make sure to ask even more questions and then accuse you of things that you never did.
If he really reacts like this when you’re trying to set boundaries, then I’m sorry to say, he’s not the right man for you. A man who truly loves you and respects you will listen when you set your boundaries and he’ll try his best to meet your needs.
Of course, you will have to listen to his boundaries as well. It goes without saying that you need to give him a reason to trust you, as well.
If he sets boundaries that include you blocking your past lovers, then do it if you feel it’s a reasonable request. They shouldn’t even be in your life anymore.
5. Reassure him that you love him
We all need reassurance from the person we love from time to time. It’s easier to deal with life and to be happy in your marriage when your spouse makes an effort to tell you how much they love you.
If he’s truly insecure and jealous of your past lovers, you have to show him that he’s the only one for you.
Show him that he’s the one who holds your heart, no matter how many lovers you had in your past. That he’s the one you married and want to spend the rest of your life with.
He may continue to compare himself to your exes, but you’re the one who will have to remind him of your loyalty and unconditional love. He’ll feel so much better if you give him this and stop asking about your exes in no time.
