Think aloud
“My husband and I are separated and he’s dating someone else, while I still haven’t moved on. Does it mean that he’s cheating on me or am I overexaggerating?”
Once you realize that your marriage is falling apart, there are two things you can do. You can either try to fix the damage and get your relationship back on track or you can opt for a divorce.
In both cases, separation can be one of the first steps a couple will take. If you’re willing to seek help from a counselor then you can come to an agreement to separate for a while and give each other a bit more space to figure out your next step.
In this case, you can decide to live in separate households or you keep living under the same roof while making sure to lead independent lives.
Also, if you opt for a divorce, you can still use separation as one of the first steps that will eventually take you there. While you’re waiting to get legally divorced, you may decide to live apart while waiting for the court’s decision.
So, seeing your separated husband dating someone else is never an easy thing to go through. It feels like the whole world is about to collapse as you see him holding hands with another woman.
But does this mean that he’s cheating on you? And why did he decide to date someone else when the two of you still aren’t actually divorced?
Hopefully, you’ll be able to find the answers you’re looking for if you keep reading this article.
“My husband and I are separated and he is dating.” Possible reasons why he already found someone else
Even though you know that your marriage is in a bad place right now and it seems almost impossible to save it, seeing your husband date someone else while you’re separated still isn’t the easiest thing in the world. You immediately feel hurt even though you’re aware that you shouldn’t care about his actions.
You couldn’t make the relationship work and that’s why you decided to take some time off or even proceed with a divorce. Nevertheless, the fact that you’ve seen him walking around with another woman makes it hard for you to fall asleep at night.
You want to know why he’s already moved on after you when you’re still suffering. Is he doing it on purpose because he wants to hurt you?
Is he simply trying to make you jealous? Or is there some other reason that hasn’t crossed your mind?
1. He was feeling lonely
“My husband and I are separated and he’s dating. I can’t stand the fact that he’s already moved on. He’s probably doing it only to make me jealous.”
I understand where you’re coming from, especially if the separation is still fresh. Months (or weeks) ago, you made a decision that was about to change the rest of your life.
And while you’re still grieving over him, he’s already found someone else and moved on after you. Your immediate reaction may be that he’s trying to make you jealous.
Even though that may be the case, a possible reason could instead be that he was feeling extremely lonely. He needed someone around just so he wouldn’t have to go through all of this on his own.
Maybe he needed a shoulder to cry on because the pain was getting unbearable. He was a part of that same marriage that’s now falling apart, which only means that he must be hurting the same way you do.
He couldn’t be on his own anymore and he was in desperate need of someone who would be there to comfort him. Someone who would fill his days with sunshine and make him realize that he has the right to enjoy his life.
This could be the actual reason why he started dating. He wanted to get rid of all of the loneliness and once again learn how to be happy.
2. He wants to hurt your feelings
Even though your husband could start dating someone else while being separated purely because he’s in need of company, he may also do that just to hurt your feelings.
Let me be honest. A separation can get rough, especially when the marriage was in a bad place for a long period of time.
All of the resentment has accumulated and now, both of you are filled with hate that used to be love. At some point, there comes only one thing that you want to do – get revenge for yourself.
Your husband may try to hurt you for this reason. Maybe he thinks you’re responsible for the separation or perhaps he’s angry that you even proposed the idea.
Maybe he can’t stand the fact that your family is about to fall apart, as this can hurt badly, particularly if you have kids. All in all, he’s looking for a way to break your heart the same way you broke his, as in his head, you’re the bad guy and he wants to get revenge for that.
He knows that you’ll get mad at him if you see him with another woman. He’s aware that you’ll immediately text all of your friends to let them know what’s going on.
“My husband and I are separated and he’s dating someone else. What a douche he is!”
Deep down, he wants you to do that. He wants everyone to think about how he’s moved on after you while you’re still in the phase of grieving.
It’s obvious that he’s trying to hurt you just because he’s full of resentment that he doesn’t know how to deal with.
3. He’s in desperate need of an ego boost
While you were married, you were the only woman in his life. He focused all of his time and energy on you and once the relationship stopped working, he felt lost.
It felt as if he’d lost a piece of himself. He no longer knew who he was and that’s why he’s now in desperate need of validation.
He needs to feel like he’s still attractive and can impress any woman he meets. And that could be the reason why your husband started dating while you’re separated.
He needs an ego boost in order to feel like a man again. He needs to know that he’s still good-looking and that he’ll be able to impress a woman he likes the same way he impressed you once upon a time.
At this point, he’s not looking for anything serious. He won’t get into a relationship with the first woman he stumbles upon.
Instead, he simply needs to feel like he can still get her attention, even though his marriage failed badly.
4. He needs a rebound to forget about his pain
Maybe your separated husband is dating someone else because he needs to forget about his pain. Realizing that your marriage is falling apart isn’t easy to accept and sometimes, you need a way to escape from your own thoughts.
In that case, he may have decided to start dating again as he’s in desperate need of a rebound. He needs someone who’ll be able to shift his focus from the painful scenario he’s currently going through.
If so, this relationship won’t be anything serious. It’ll simply be a way to recover from his broken marriage.
It’s his attempt to get the painful thoughts off his mind and move on after you.
5. He actually fell in love
This is one of the reasons you probably don’t want to hear. You should be aware that it’s a possibility that your separated husband is dating someone else because he truly fell in love with that woman.
He met her unexpectedly and even though he wasn’t looking for anything serious, he realized that he liked her a lot. He thought that she could be the one who came to save him in those moments when he was in desperate need of a helping hand.
I know that you don’t want to believe this scenario. You just separated and he’s already holding someone else’s hand.
However, love doesn’t choose a place or time. It simply happens all of a sudden and it abruptly changes everything.
It’ll be hard to believe that he’s moved on after you as if you meant nothing to him, while you’re still stuck in the same spot. But if things were meant to happen this way then there’s not much you can do about it.
You should stop overthinking and let yourself heal properly. That’s the only way you can get the closure you need.
Should it be seen as cheating if my husband and I are separated and he’s dating someone else?
Now that you know some of the possible reasons why your husband is dating someone else when you just separated, you probably want to know whether this behavior counts as cheating. This whole thing is too complicated and you need answers right now.
Well, the truth is that there’s a thin line between the two and it all depends on your situation. If you and your husband are separated because you want to seek therapy and you’re giving yourself enough space to process what your next step should be, then this could be seen as infidelity.
If you didn’t agree to date other people while trying to fix your marriage then your husband’s behavior is completely wrong. At the same time, if you’re separated and waiting to legally get divorced then your husband has a right to do as he likes.
Your marriage is over and both of you know that. In this case, he doesn’t have to wait for anything if he feels that he’s ready to start dating again.
Of course, it won’t be easy to see him move on after you but at the same time, it’s just a logical consequence of events. You knew from the start that at some point, he’d start dating again, the same way you will.
He doesn’t have to ask you for consent to do that, as you’re no longer married. There’s no point in focusing on his actions right now if it’s more than obvious that nothing can save your marriage.
If you agreed to get a divorce then you shouldn’t expect him not to date anyone ever again. It’s simply too much to ask for and you should let go of that idea before it tears you apart.
Things you should keep in mind when your husband and you are separated and he’s dating someone else
I know that this whole thing is complex and it’s hard to simply accept what’s going on. He was your husband, you shared your home and all of your secrets and dreams with him.
And now, your marriage has ended and he’s simply moved on. This realization isn’t something that’s easy to swallow and it’ll take you some time before you acknowledge it.
Even though you’re separated and what he now does has nothing to do with you, seeing your husband dating someone else won’t ever be something you can brush off. You can’t just act like it’s not a big deal.
I understand what you’re going through and I can only assume that it isn’t easy. But at the same time, there are some things you should keep in mind if you’re going through a similar situation.
These facts will help you accept the truth and move on because you owe that to yourself. You shouldn’t keep standing in the same spot and let life slip through your fingers.
You must do something to allow yourself to find closure and move away from the pain.
1. Your marriage already failed
The moment your separated husband started dating someone else, your marriage was already over. There wasn’t anything else you could do to try and fix it and both of you were aware of that.
That was the reason why you decided to separate and get a divorce. So, it was obvious from the start that he would start dating the same way you will.
Somewhere along the line, both of you will feel ready to move on. You know that, as it’s a natural process of getting over a failed marriage.
You grieve for a while and then you realize that you must get up and keep walking forward. Your husband did exactly that so there’s nothing to resent him for.
Of course, this only counts if you were already in the process of getting a divorce.
2. Your marriage stopped making you happy
For a long time, your marriage wasn’t something that made you happy; in fact, it only made you feel miserable. The chances are that you were looking for a way out of it and finally, both of you decided to go your separate ways.
At first, you were happy that you would finally get out of a relationship that was only making you sad. But then when you saw your separated husband dating someone else, it all came back to you, and once again, you felt crushed.
I understand that moving on after a failed marriage isn’t easy. It takes a lot of time and energy to finally get yourself out of a state of misery.
But at the same time, you have to remind yourself that staying in one isn’t a good option either. You could get your husband back but you know that things would never improve for the better.
The main reason why you’re so hurt by the fact that he found someone else is likely because you were used to having him by your side. Even though he wasn’t making you happy anymore, you still had no idea how to let go of him.
Well, you finally gained the courage and you took a step that led you to your freedom. Do you really want to go back to the failed marriage that was bringing you more harm than good?
Or would you rather give yourself a chance to heal properly and move on? The choice is yours, as you’re the only one who knows what’s best for you.
3. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be
When things aren’t meant to be, there’s not much we can do to change them. So, if your marriage fell apart, the only reasonable move you could make was to allow yourself to let go and move on.
Now that your husband has done the exact same thing, you feel like your whole world is about to end. It seems that you’re more hurt by the fact that he’s dating someone else than by the one that you couldn’t make the marriage work.
And I get where you’re coming from. You’re probably jealous of the idea that he found someone else who makes him happy, as you couldn’t do that for each other.
Even if both of you gave your best to be there for one another, it still wasn’t enough. You weren’t making him happy the same way he couldn’t do that for you.
For a while, the only reason why you stayed together was that you couldn’t admit to each other that your marriage was doomed to fail. You tried to avoid the inevitable even though you knew it was impossible.
That’s why you must realize that you weren’t meant to stay together. You weren’t the right choice for each other, even if you wanted to make things work.
The universe had other plans and now, you must learn how to let go.
4. It’ll all be irrelevant once you emotionally move on after him
Right now, it seems unthinkable to accept what’s going on. Your husband and you are separated and now, he’s dating someone else.
That doesn’t sound much like something that’s easy to accept. But once you finally move on after him and realize that your marriage is over for good, this won’t sound like a problem at all.
It won’t bother you that your husband was dating someone else, even though at the time, you still weren’t even able to admit that your relationship had come to an end.
In a few months or maybe even years, you’ll realize that you don’t care about him moving on because you know that both of you deserve the chance to experience that. So, it’ll all be irrelevant once some time has passed.
5. Don’t start dating just because you want to make him jealous
You’re jealous of the fact that your separated husband is dating someone else. And now, you’re thinking about doing the same because you want him to feel the same way as you felt when you saw him with another woman.
But do you really think this is the right choice? Do you truly believe that you should start dating as well, just because you’re eager to hurt him?
You’re well aware that you still haven’t moved on after him. Deep down, you know that you need more time to accept the reality of the situation.
So why would you then want to rush things when it’s clear that you’re yet not ready to date other men? Instead, you need to give yourself some time to heal and when the right time comes, you can start looking for someone who’ll finally make you happy.
Don’t make your life harder just by trying to make him jealous. It won’t work out the way you want it to, trust me.
6. Don’t even bother trying to break them apart
Right now, you’re probably furious at both of them. You hate your husband for moving on after you, as if you meant nothing to him, and you also hate the woman he’s dating.
Honestly, you’re probably more upset about her and you blame her for seducing him when he was freshly separated. By now, you may think that the best move is to try to break them apart.
You can’t stand seeing them together, which can make you think that you have the full right to intervene between them and end their relationship. But by taking this step, you’ll only prove to both of them how desperate you are.
You’ll look like a crazy woman and after a while, once you finally heal properly, you’ll detest yourself for even thinking about doing this. So, take a deep breath and let yourself move on.
Just because your separated husband is dating someone else, it doesn’t mean that you should focus all of your attention on him.
Let it go and allow yourself to find the closure that you so desperately need.
