It’s so hard to find someone who’s your perfect match these days, as we all have different ways of showing and receiving love.
The good thing is that we’re becoming more and more aware of how we want to be loved and we know what we need in a relationship to feel fulfilled. We can spend a lot of time trying to figure things out because we want to be happy.
There are so many resources available that we don’t even have to think about it too much. We can just Google our love language and even ideas to make our partner feel loved.
So how come you don’t care enough to even try?
It took me a long time to stop gaslighting myself. Yes, I have been gaslighting myself but only because you taught me how to do it right.
You taught me how to pretend as if my emotions aren’t real and to believe that just because you’ve never cheated on me, I had to feel loved.
It took me so long to actually admit to myself that I don’t feel loved by you. Your little bursts of happiness and love are temporary fixes for the serious issues in our relationship.
You would shower me with all of your love one day, just to have your battery drained completely for the next couple of days.
Until the next time you decided to kiss me, I was left to question whether you even wanted to be around me at all.
Consistency has never been one of your strengths but it’s the same thing with communication. You don’t know how to talk to me or listen to me either.
I know that I’m making it sound like you’re the only issue here but all of my attention is turned toward the things that you don’t do.
You don’t talk to me. You don’t listen to me.
There’s nothing I can do to change this. I’ve tried so hard to tell you how much words of affirmation mean to me but then you isolate yourself for days.
Just because you tell me you love me in the morning, it doesn’t mean I feel loved when you don’t reply to my text message for the rest of the day.
I don’t think that you’ve ever even tried to understand me.
Whenever you tell me that you need space, I give it to you. When you tell me that you need me to be there for you, I run to your side.
But whenever I need something to feel loved, I have to wait for you to be in the mood to love me how I want to be loved.
So how do you explain this phenomenon? Do you just wait for opportunities when I’m just about to walk through the door to shower me with love or do you ignore my needs, just to love me when that suits you?
I truly do believe that you’re capable of love because believe it or not, I listen to you. I listen to everything you have to tell me and I can hear that you’re scared.
You’re petrified of showing the emotions that are bubbling inside your chest as if I might take advantage of them. However, I know that I’ve been nothing but loving and caring toward you.
I shouldn’t have to teach you how to express your feelings, nor should I have to teach you how to love me. There are things that I will gladly do for you but this is just too much.
I don’t have to listen to you yell at me whenever I ask you why you haven’t answered your phone for days. I shouldn’t have to stay silent when you decide to take a trip out of town without even telling me where you’re going.
And before you say anything, I’m not being controlling. I’m worried about you but it obviously doesn’t mean anything to you.
The only time you tell me you love me is to manipulate me into staying by your side. It’s when you get afraid that I may actually walk through the door and never look back.
This time, your words don’t mean anything anymore. Your actions are what show me everything I need to know.
Your actions tell me that you don’t care about me or this relationship. They show me that you would rather spend hours on your phone scrolling than take a moment to listen to how my day was.
You’re the one who taught me how to be alone because you’ve never been there for me.
You’ve always been selfish, without a crumb of guilt, unless you had to fake it to get my sympathy. I’m so glad that right now, I’m able to see things clearly and it’s clear that I don’t feel loved.
I’ll stop gaslighting myself and convincing myself that you’re doing your best because your best isn’t enough for me anymore. I deserve much better treatment and I hope that one day you’ll realize that you could’ve done things better.
Because there’s someone in this world whose words and actions will align. He’ll tell me that he loves me and prove it to me with every breath he takes.
You will never do that for me because you simply don’t care enough about me.
And I don’t believe that I’ve asked for much. I’ve asked for text messages, quality time, and conversations.
You’ve never had to spend money on me to make me feel loved, nor did you have to lose any of your friends for me.
I just wish that at some point I was as important to you as everyone and everything else was. You put me at the bottom of your list of priorities and you don’t care to change that, not even at the expense of losing me forever.
That’s why I’m packing my things, even though I’m so angry and so broken at the same time. It hurts to turn my back on you but it hurts even more to stay in a loveless relationship.
You make me believe that I’m unlovable and I know that it’s not true, so I will stop listening to your apologies and your pleading. Your words don’t mean anything to me anymore.
Leave a comment