I Choose Love, Even If I’m Terrified Of It
Most of us were at least once in a relationship where we thought it would last forever. You were so happy, you’d dream up all the perfect places where love would take you. And then it all collapsed, even though you didn’t want it to happen. You never wanted it to end. Later, there was nothing left behind but the feeling of betrayal. Hearing promises of lifelong love and then seeing them dissolved to dust in front of your eyes, because they never even meant it, is a fatal blow. It is even worse if it ends because of broken trust when your significant other decided to cheat.
Time has passed, you think you have moved on. Maybe you even found someone else and you’re trying to make it work with them. But the reality is: you are stuck in the loop. You are afraid of getting hurt again. Feeling your relationship becoming something more serious triggers your fear from love. Because of it, you resort to self-sabotage and start pushing your loved one away.
It finally results in them distancing from you, which ends up actually hurting you. You use that feeling of hurt as a proof to yourself that you were right to fear letting someone in your life again. Being so sure they deserve it for causing you pain, you will chastise them. When you are finished, you will be off to wall yourself up in your Fortress of Solitude because you are convinced you are better off that way.
History will keep repeating itself that way, but you should not let it. It is important to break that vicious cycle. Bounce back and learn how to love again. Living life is quite random and full of moments of grief and happiness alike. Learn to deal with ones and value others, but at the same time take lessons from both.
So take a lesson from that failed relationship instead of giving up on love altogether. Think about the signs that were probably there, try to remember them for the future. If you are ever to end up in a bad relationship again, learn to recognize them so you can leave before you make a mistake of loving a person like that again.
Bear in mind that it is not love that caused you that pain. Investing love in a bad relationship is what really caused it. But it is over now, so do not allow your mind to dwell on losing it, as if you have lost your life instead. I know it does indeed feel that way, I have been through it before. The sooner you accept it is all inside your head and only you have the power to shun those thoughts away, the sooner you will be back on your feet.
Do not let yourself bring that heartbreak with you wherever you go. It is never easy to forget it, but why would you want to have it leering at you every time you meet someone else, reminding you of an ugly past? The only things you should carry with you are the ones you learned about yourself. For example, I learned that my intuition has never wronged me through that whole relationship and I should have trusted it. I learned that the biggest mistake I made, in all those years together, was choosing to believe his words instead of my gut.
I learned that I could have saved myself all the hurt if I wasn’t so busy putting myself down, telling myself I am being paranoid and my intuition is lying to me, because he would never do anything to hurt me. And I learned it was wrong not to trust myself first and it was even worse to put myself down, when he was already doing great at putting me down himself.
I am well aware that closing my heart for love will make me even more miserable than that relationship ever could. Trying to live life without anyone in it is only half a life. That is why I took the knowledge that made me stronger, that taught me to protect myself, and I decided to finally say I choose love. Even though I still do not know what might come my way, even though I am scared things might repeat themselves, I choose love. I hope, with all my heart, all of you will soon be able to get back up on your feet and gather the courage to choose the same, despite being terrified of what love might bring.