Think aloud
I’d be lying to you if I said that I’ve never searched up the question: How to stop obsessing over someone.
When you meet someone in a club, on the street, or on a dating app, you obsess over them quite easily.
Imagine you go to the beach, you meet this absolutely gorgeous man, and all you want to do is get to know him better. You think that this is your perfect movie moment in which you’ve found the love of your life.
You won’t know for sure unless you try, right?
So you end up obsessing over him. You find all of his social media accounts, you look up his friends, and now you’re stuck. You even go as far as learning what his favorite color is and rearranging your life in that color!
I’ve found myself, on more occasions than one, completely mesmerized and obsessed with a love interest. I’m saying this so that you know that you’re definitely not alone in this.
I would get so consumed by this person that I would even start new hobbies just to impress that person. We start losing ourselves to men simply because we want their attention and we want to be interesting enough for them.
But how fast can you lose yourself by doing this?
What is obsessive love disorder?
Before we jump into the tips that can help you, we should probably talk about obsessive love disorder. You probably haven’t even heard about it.
It’s very similar to obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) where a person has very obsessive thoughts that lead to compulsive behaviors.
You may have even wondered how to stop obsessing over someone for the sake of a friend, unsure if it should even be considered an issue at that point. But obsessing over someone can compel you to do some very weird things.
You may modify your entire personality to be someone that your love interest might enjoy. You hope that he’ll be more interested in you if you have more things in common.
Another thing you might be doing is overanalyzing everything he does. His gestures, the words he says, the places he visits – you’re convinced that there’s a meaning behind everything.
You stalk his social media profiles so that you know where he’s been, what he’s been doing, and who he’s been with. If he doesn’t reply to your messages or you’re not texting that often, you tend to check his location on Snapchat.
In essence, you’re monitoring his activity like an FBI agent.
The majority of people who suffer from this resort to texting and calling the object of their obsession a little too much. You make an effort to stay in touch with this person even though they probably aren’t doing the same thing for you.
This behavior is extremely unhealthy. And the worst is, you’re probably not the only person suffering in this situation – you’re also dragging your friends into your obsessive actions.
Whatever the case, you need to find actual ways that’ll help you stop obsessing over someone.
How to stop obsessing over someone
You may obsess over someone you’re dating or a person you’re just admiring from a distance. You might even obsess over someone you’ve only met online and have never seen in person.
More often than not, it’ll wreak havoc on your mental health. Fortunately, you probably won’t need professional help because of this – given enough time, you’ll likely stop obsessing over him.
You can’t really expect a healthy relationship to come from this type of obsession in the first place.
How do you stop obsessing over someone even though you have so many intrusive thoughts about them?
There are a few tips and tricks when it comes to letting go of the object of your obsession. Your obsessive behavior might not disappear overnight, but you need to be consistent for the sake of your well-being.
1. Realize he has flaws too
When we’re crushing on someone to the point of obsession, we forget that they’re also just people with their own sets of flaws.
The man of your dreams, the one that’s a constant resident in your thoughts, is completely flawed himself. He’s not perfect just because you refuse to see all the bad traits he has.
You need a reality check and you’re the only one who can give it to yourself.
When people say that the perfect person doesn’t exist, they’re completely right. You can’t put him on a pedestal and then believe that everything he does is absolutely mesmerizing.
Remind yourself of all the things that he does that you simply aren’t looking for in a partner. He probably has many flaws that you’re simply ignoring right now, but once you start paying attention to them, your attraction will lessen.
It might not disappear altogether, but at least you’ll be able to take him off of the pedestal he’s on and help yourself.
Stop obsessing over someone who’s just as flawed as you are – maybe even more. It might be hard to correct your own thought patterns, but you’ll have to learn how to stop yourself from idolizing him and making excuses for him.
2. Remember that you don’t need him
When you say that you need someone, you’re actually saying that you’re codependent. You’re saying that you require this person in order to be happy.
Well, you don’t need anyone but yourself. Every person in your life is completely replaceable.
This is something you need to learn if you’re in a relationship with a man and you’re obsessing over him. Believe me when I tell you that many of my friends and I also had this same issue.
We would completely lose ourselves in loving the men we’re with. Each of us would forget that we don’t need a man to complete us.
When you fall into this train of thought, you ignore the fact that before he came along, you had a life. You lived for decades without him and now that he’s here, you’re acting as if you need him to complete you?
No. You don’t need anyone but yourself.
You might want someone in your life, but you don’t need him. Think of your life as a cake, a beautiful and delicious cake – your partner is the cherry on top.
Would the cake be delicious without it? Yes! Is it just a tiny bit prettier with the cherry? Yes, but it would be just as great without it too.
3. Know your triggers
If you want to stop obsessing over someone, you really have to learn what triggers your obsessive thoughts. You might not be able to figure these out by yourself, but you might be able to pinpoint a few of them.
Before you go into stalking-spree mode, what happens? Do your friends talk about him? Or do they simply talk about their own relationships and now you’re triggered to stalk him?
Another thing that might happen is that you see his ex-girlfriend and your mind completely shuts down. You only know that you need to talk to him, see his picture, or step up your game.
That’s when you might want to copy her style or do something to outshine her. You’re trying really hard to show him that you’re the one for him.
Even though you might not see them as such, any situation that triggers your obsessive thoughts should be avoided. For example, if you know that you’ll see him somewhere, don’t go there.
If you follow him and they trigger you, it’s best that you block them. Especially if this man is your ex-boyfriend.
If he’s your current boyfriend, then find a way to avoid his exes, avoid obsessing over him, and learn your own triggers.
4. Try to gain control over your thoughts
This is a tough one because you wouldn’t be in this situation if you could control your thoughts.
When you get triggered, your mind works against you. You’re probably thinking “I can’t stop thinking about him” but believe me when I tell you that you can.
Once you’ve identified your triggers, you’ll know when you do get triggered and how to gain control back.
For example, when you feel like you’re going down the rabbit hole, take a deep breath. Inhale for ten seconds, hold your breath for ten seconds, and then release your breath and slowly as you can.
Do that as many times as you need. Focus on the air that is coming into your lungs and leaving through your lips. This little exercise is one that people do when they suffer from anxiety or OCD in general.
You can also find yourself triggered in a public place and that’s when you have to occupy your brain with other things.
Find someone to talk to, turn up the volume of the music that’s blasting through your earbuds – anything to distract you.
Then when you get home, do the exercise that I’ve told you about. Whenever you feel like you’re going to overthink this and obsess over it, find a way to stop and redirect your thoughts.
What works for most, might not work for you, but try to find your own way through it.
5. Get a stable support system
We can’t get through life by ourselves – we need the help of our friends and family. So don’t shy away from asking for help.
You’re only human, after all. When you’re aware of this issue you have, it’ll come crashing down on you and you won’t be able to deal with it by yourself.
Your friends are watching from the sidelines – they’ll be able to give you objective opinion and advice. They’ll see everything from an entirely different perspective than what you do.
They’ll be able to help you see things clearly and plan what you need to do in order to get over this person. Even if you are in a relationship with this man, you need to stop obsessing over him if you want a healthy relationship.
Because of that, you genuinely need a support system that’ll be there for you. You might need them to pick you up in times you’re not strong enough to deal with it all by yourself.
You’ll need them to remind you that you have someone else in your life to be there for you. They’ll be your reality check whenever you need one.
Even though you might believe they don’t want to help you or they have better things to do, they’ll still surprise you and remind you that friends and family members come before any man.
6. Joke about it openly
You’ve probably heard on many occasions that people use humor to cope with things that are bothering them. Joking about these things is probably the healthiest way to manage.
You don’t have to go into details or make self-deprecating remarks. Simply let yourself and others joke about it and make light of a bad situation.
Laugh about your obsession with this person and laugh about his flaws. This probably doesn’t sound very appealing to you, but right now you need healthy coping mechanisms.
7. Know that your emotions are completely valid
Let me tell you this right now. People will tell you that your emotions aren’t valid. They’ll tell you that you’re just overreacting or that you’re crazy. Everyone will try to invalidate your feelings.
They’ve never experienced what you’re going through, so you’re left to fend for yourself. No one knows how difficult it is for you – that stopping obsessing over someone isn’t as easy as just deciding to stop.
The anger you feel, the sadness that overcomes you, and even the anxiety you feel – all of those emotions are completely valid. There’s an explanation for every single emotion you’re experiencing.
People will tell you that you don’t love him, that what you’re experiencing is nothing more than infatuation. But I’m here to tell you that if you feel like you’re in love, then that emotion is completely valid.
For whatever reason, your past relationships have caused these constants thoughts of self-doubt and your low self-esteem. Now you’re more likely to believe others when they say you’re genuinely crazy.
But when you want to stop obsessing over someone, you have to understand that all of your emotions are valid. You have to express them properly. You won’t be able to move on unless you process your feelings.
Bottling them up inside will only make you miserable and just when you think that you’re over it, it’ll all suddenly boil over.
8. Find other things to turn your attention to
Instead of mindlessly scrolling through your Instagram feed, try to find things to turn your attention to.
Your toxic thoughts might want to return to you when you least expect them. They’ll completely consume you if you give them a chance.
In order to stop obsessing over someone, one of the best tactics is to get a new hobby.
What do you love to do? Do you love to work out? Read books? Go to clubs?
Do the things that bring serotonin into your system and make you happy. When you occupy your mind with these things, you won’t have enough space in your day to obsess over a man.
You can also practice mindfulness through meditation and yoga. This might sound a bit cheesy, but when was the last time you felt actually grounded in the moment you were in?
You’re usually completely lost in your own mind. If you want, you can even include your support system in this.
Do these things with your friends and family. Travel, visit places that you’ve never seen before, and don’t let yourself get trapped by your own mind.
9. His opinion doesn’t define you
For whatever reason, be it just a crush, an ex, or your actual boyfriend, you’re putting his opinion of you above anyone else’s.
This is obvious because you’re trying to change yourself in order to accommodate him. You’re doing everything that he likes, you’ve come to like the same things as he does, you dress the way he wants you to, and so on.
But aren’t you aware of the fact that it’ll never be about that? It doesn’t matter how much you change, you’ll never be good enough for your own standards.
If a man loves you, he’ll do it because you’re the one for him. If a man genuinely wants to be with you, he won’t just change his opinion of you because you aren’t into the same music.
The way people see you has genuinely nothing to do with the person you actually are. They see you in ways that they’re able to understand. Not in the complexity that you actually are.
Because of that, you can’t let yourself be defined by the opinion of this man. You’re so much more than he’ll ever be able to recognize. Does he even know about this inner turmoil you’re going through? Probably not.
You shouldn’t believe that what he thinks of you is the actual representation of who you are as a person. So please stop obsessing over someone whose opinion of you is fragmented.
The only opinion that is valid is your own.
10. Stop blaming yourself
There are situations where you blame yourself. Your crush isn’t responding to your text messages or he doesn’t even see your efforts at all, so now you do the one logical thing in your mind – you blame yourself.
You believe that you’re the one who’s at fault here and that you need to change even more.
You go ahead and stalk his profile and his friends, ask everyone around you what you should do to earn his favor.
But it’s not your fault. It’s not your responsibility to make other people like you. After all, you can’t force someone to like you.
You may have also found yourself making a fool of yourself when seeing him. You might have tripped and fallen flat on your face (I’ve seen that happen one too many times).
When this would happen to me or my friends, we’d beat ourselves up. But that’s no one’s fault. You tripped. You made a tiny mistake.
Don’t obsess over it to the point where you keep replaying this awkward experience until the early hours of the morning.
11. Put yourself on that pedestal
Who’s been there for you throughout your entire life? Who knows you best? And who takes care of you when no one else wants to?
That’s right. It’s always you. You’re the most reliable person to yourself.
Whenever you’d go through any type of heartbreak, you were the one to do all the work and patch yourself back together. So why do you now obsess over anyone but yourself?
I know, self-love sounds so easy these days. People make it seem as if it’s a cakewalk to look at yourself in the mirror and say a few nice things.
But look at yourself! Look at how many things you’ve fought through and how much stronger you are right now! You shouldn’t put a man on a pedestal – put yourself there instead.
I genuinely believe that the best way to stop obsessing over someone is to start obsessing over yourself. Show yourself all that kindness and love.
Give yourself the time you spend on this man. Show yourself that you can treat yourself well. You deserve as much!
12. Consider therapy
This might be quite a scary thing to consider right now, but it might help you out. If you’ve tried everything else on this list already and you still can’t manage to stop obsessing over someone, you may want to consider therapy.
A therapist is someone who’s neutral. They’re there to talk about your problems and help you through them.
When you have an unhealthy obsession, of course it makes sense to enlist the help of a mental health professional. They’ll help you get your healthy state of mind back!
You might not want this at all, but trust me, once you afford yourself this luxury, you’ll be grateful you did.
Right now, you have to take care of yourself if you want to stop obsessing over him. Your therapist will help you figure everything out and show you ways to cope with it.
They’ll remind you of your own self-worth, because you’ve obviously forgotten it.
Don’t knock it until you try it.
