Think aloud
Relationships are hard work. When you’re naturally an affectionate person, you might struggle to see your relationship as something that doesn’t define you or doesn’t govern your entire existence. With that out of the way, you might end up wondering how to pull back in a relationship or even how to break up.
Whatever you do, don’t confuse taking a step back with the end of a relationship. When you’ve been with someone for a really long time, you might struggle to maintain a sense of balance between your relationship and the rest of your life. After all, the two of you probably do everything together.
What do we mean by that? You spend time together. You build a life together. You make all your decisions together. When you’re apart from your partner, you might even struggle to figure out what to do with your free time because you’re used to putting your partner first.
While there’s nothing wrong with making your relationship a priority in your life, you still need to find a way to maintain a separate existence from your partner. When you come to terms with that, you might end up wondering how to pull back in a relationship and change the way you approach it.
Worry not, we’re here to help.
Why would you need to pull back in a relationship?
When you’re in a relationship with someone you’re infatuated with, you don’t spend your time thinking of all the ways in which you’re supposed to take a step back, reevaluate your relationship, and change the relationship dynamic.
Quite on the contrary, when you’re in a relationship with someone you love, you spend most of your time thinking of how you can make your relationship better. With that in mind, though, it’s easy to lose track of yourself and start putting your partner’s needs above your own.
When you catch a whiff of the fact that you’re focusing on pleasing your partner way too much, you might want to pull back. Your partner might not even be aware of everything you’re doing to keep the relationship going, and that’s OK. Your partner might not even be aware that there’s a problem.
Whether you’re unhappy with the amount of work your partner is putting into your relationship or the way your partner is mistreating you, neglecting you, and failing to appreciate you, you might want to take a whole leap back, set some boundaries, and try to save your relationship before it overconsumes you.
Our top tips on how to pull back in a relationship in a healthy way
1. Think with your head, not with your heart
When you’re in a relationship that’s draining you of all your energy, you might need to take the emotion out of it – for a little bit, at least. You’re in love with your partner and that’s why you’re focusing all your energy on making your partner happy. You need a moment for yourself without feeling guilty about it.
When you start thinking with your head rather than your heart, you might be able to notice the patterns of your behavior that are leading you to feel dissatisfied with your partner and your relationship. If you want to pull back in your relationship, you need to think rationally about each situation you’re in.
2. Take time each day to do something you want to do
Practicing self-care in a relationship is imperative for your mental health and well-being.
It can be something as small as taking a five-minute break in the middle of the day to meditate or as big as joining a gym or playing tennis on the weekends. It’s about time you put yourself first and focus on what you need.
If you want to take a step back in a relationship, find the things that you love to do and let them distract you. It’s so easy to devote all your free time to your partner (especially if you don’t have the opportunity to spend a lot of time together), but putting yourself first can make a world of difference.
3. Change the way you perceive your relationship
When you’re trying to figure out how to pull back in a relationship, you need to change the way you perceive your relationship in the first place.
Maybe you’re burnt out because you spent too much time and energy focusing on your relationship. Maybe you resent your partner because you feel like you’re the only one who puts in the work.
Whatever the case might be, there’s a chance that you’re fostering negative emotions toward your partner and your relationship without even knowing why. Change the way you approach your relationship and try to figure out whether you’re a part of the problem or a part of the solution.
4. Stop mixing your professional life with your private life
Whether you and your partner work together or end up talking about work every time you’re supposed to spend quality time with each other, you might be overwhelmed. No matter how close the two of you are, you need to separate your professional life from your private life.
Consider taking a step back when you notice your partner trying to control everything related to your career or even when you catch yourself spending all your time thinking about your partner’s career and work problems. When you allow work to become a part of your relationship, you’re going to ruin it.
5. Socialize outside of your relationship
We’ve seen something of the sort happen with all couples that spend a lot of time together. When you’re in a long-term relationship, it’s easy to forget about your friends, family, and people who matter to you and spend all your time with your partner.
Or, you might end up hanging out with your friends and family only as a couple but never as separate individuals.
On one hand, there’s nothing wrong with socializing as a couple – but that’s only one form of socializing. On the other, there’s something difficult about leaving your partner alone at home to go hang out with your friends, pursue your passions, or start new hobbies.
Worry not, you’re actually helping your relationship by focusing on things that matter to you.
6. Stop tagging along uninvited
We know that’s a tough pill to swallow, but that’s something you need to be aware of. When you’re trying to figure out how to pull back in a relationship, you need to look at yourself and your faults first – maybe you’re doing something that needs to change to ensure your relationship keeps on flourishing.
We’ve already mentioned that you need to stop socializing as a couple all the time and that you need to start focusing on your own wants and needs. We can say the same thing about socializing as a couple when you weren’t even invited as a couple.
When your partner wants to go on a weekend getaway with the boys or hang out with colleagues after work, you shouldn’t invite yourself because you feel like the two of you need to do everything together. Instead of joining in, check in with your friends and arrange a girls’ night out.
7. Allow your partner to show up
If you’re someone who works hard on your relationship, you might (rightfully so) expect the same thing from your partner. It’s completely normal to expect your partner to reciprocate your time, energy, and effort, but you do need to remind yourself that your partner can’t read your mind.
Rather than getting angry and picking a fight, allow your partner to show up. Allow your partner to listen to your problems, offer you a shoulder to cry on, and shower you with affection when you’re having a bad day. Allow your partner to be human. Approach your relationship with an open mind.
8. Allow your partner to call the shots
“Where do we go out for dinner?”
“Where do we go on a vacation?”
When the two of you try to decide anything, you’re always the one who calls the shots because you’re the one who does all the work in your relationship. While you might be fine with making the decisions for your partner, that’s a surefire way to get fed up with your relationship and all the stress you’re under.
Allow your partner to call the shots from time to time and see how the relationship dynamic changes. You might not think you’re pulling back or taking a step toward changing things in your relationship, but you are. You’re changing yourself, too.
9. Ask for alone time
Asking for alone time might feel like the end of an era, but that’s not the case. You’re not pushing your partner away by taking an hour of your day to meditate, read, or catch up with your friends. You’re not ruining your relationship by nourishing your need to be alone with your thoughts for a little while.
When you’re trying to figure out how to pull back in a relationship, think about what you need and what’s going to make you feel better about your relationship. Spending some time away from your partner, doing the things you love to do, and being the best version of yourself will strengthen your relationship.