Think aloud
“He says he loves me but his actions say different. Does it mean that he’s lying to me?”
When you find yourself in a situation where you can’t really figure out whether your partner truly loves you or if he’s playing with your feelings, you have no idea how to move on from there. You love him, you even think of him as your soulmate, but still, something feels odd.
You hear him telling you, “I love you,” but every time he’s supposed to support his words with actions, he fails. It feels like you’re stuck in a gray zone and you don’t know what to do about it.
Should you break up with him? But what if his feelings are real and he’s simply not good at showing them?
Can you call it true love when he tells you he loves you even though there’s a lack of action?
Building a healthy relationship isn’t the easiest thing in the world. Besides love, it also requires a ton of patience, compromise, and communication.
But how do you know that you should keep putting in the effort? How do you know that it’s not all in vain and that you’re doing the right thing?
At the end of the day, you don’t want to waste your time on someone whose feelings aren’t real. You would much rather use that time to get to know yourself better and find someone who’ll love you the same way you’ll love him.
You’re in desperate need of relationship advice that will help you solve your current issue. Hopefully, once you finish reading this article, you’ll be able to figure out what it means when a guy says he loves you but his actions prove otherwise.
“He says he loves me but his actions say different.” What could be the reason?
Everyone keeps telling you that when a guy loves you, his actions will reflect his feelings. His behavior will show you how he actually feels about you and then you won’t be able to doubt his love.
But this thought gives you a hard time as your boyfriend’s behavior isn’t the same as his words. He keeps telling you that he loves you but his actions somehow always say different.
The more attention you pay to this, the worse you start to feel. At some point, you don’t even know whether there’s any point in fighting for this relationship.
Should you separate and go your own ways if he’s playing with you and seducing you with his words? Or is there a logical explanation as to why you feel that his actions don’t support what he says?
Here are some of the possible reasons why he says he loves you but his actions say different. After you read through them, it’ll be easier to figure out what’s going on and what your next step should be.
1. You have a different love language
When he says he loves you but his actions say different, it could be that you have completely contrasting love languages. Even though you both have strong feelings for each other, you express them differently.
If your partner always feels the need to tell you that he loves you, then his love language could be words of affirmation. He loves expressing his feelings for you through words and he always feels loved when you do the same for him.
This means that he’ll probably repeat those three words to you on a daily basis, he’ll make sure to give you a call to remind you that he loves you, or he’ll leave you notes on the fridge that will make your day.
Nevertheless, you need more than words to know that you’re loved.
Maybe your love language is acts of service, which means that you feel loved every time your partner does something for you. Alternatively, it could be quality time, as you want him to spend time together with you, doing something meaningful and well-planned.
No matter what, it could be that your love languages differ and that’s why you feel like your partner isn’t being honest with you. The problem is that he considers it enough when he tells you that he loves you, while you need to see him committing a certain action in order to believe in his words.
In this case, the best thing for both of you would be to sit down and have a chat. Figure out your love languages and try to understand each other better and your love life will thank you.
2. He’s manipulating you
The first time you notice that your partner’s feelings don’t match his words, you’ll probably ignore the thought. You’ll think it’s no big deal and you’ll decide to push it aside.
But once you realize that the pattern keeps repeating, it all starts to get a bit more worrying. When he says that he loves you but his actions say different, it could be that he’s manipulating you.
If he’s a narcissist in disguise then this would be the most fitting explanation. By showering you with sweet words of affection, he’s keeping you on a leash.
He knows that you won’t easily walk away from him after all of the, “I love yous,” he tells you. So, even if you start to doubt his feelings, he still has enough time to prove to you that you’re wrong and that you have nothing to worry about.
The more he tells you that he loves you, the better you’ll be at ignoring the red flags. You’ll keep convincing yourself that he’s not playing with your emotions because it feels like the only right thing to do.
“He likes me, I know he does. He told me on multiple occasions how much he loves me. That must be a clear sign that he’s not pretending.”
That’s exactly what a manipulator wants you to do. He wants you to make excuses for him and the more chances you give him, the worse your self-esteem gets and the harder it becomes to finally leave him.
Trust me, he has it all planned and he knows very well how much time he has before you won’t be able to take it anymore.
3. He’s not in love with you but he doesn’t want to lose you
“He says he loves me but his actions say different. What does it mean?”
Well, one of the possible reasons could be that he’s keeping you as an option. He doesn’t feel like you’re the one for him but at the same time, spending time with you is fun.
So, while he keeps looking for someone else who’s a better fit for him, he’ll also do his best not to lose you. He’ll shower you with all of the words you want to hear but he’ll never show matching actions.
All of the little things you’re supposed to experience in a healthy relationship will be missing. You’ll find yourself stuck with a guy who makes tons of promises and tells you he loves you daily but never does any of the things to support his words.
This is an obvious sign that he’s putting in the bare effort and doing only what’s necessary to keep you around. And since it’s much easier to seduce you with words than to struggle with actions, he’ll take the road of minimal effort.
However, this won’t last forever. Once it all becomes too much to deal with, you’ll break and let him know that you’re aware of what he’s trying to do.
4. He’s afraid of commitment
A guy who’s afraid of commitment will let you know that he loves you but his actions won’t be apparent. If he’s afraid of a serious relationship but has feelings for you, he won’t have any idea what to do next.
He’ll feel torn and it won’t be easy for him to take the next step.
I’m not saying that his behavior is justified and that you should let him treat you that way. I’m simply letting you know that in this case, he’s probably having a hard time as well.
But for the sake of your well-being, you must ask him to be honest with you. If he doesn’t feel ready to commit to you even though it’s something you want, then you should know when it’s time to stop waiting for him to figure out his next step.
His fear of commitment should never be an excuse for why he’s not treating you the way you want to be treated. You’re not two teenagers, so if you want different things from life then it’s always better to separate than to keep fighting for something that’s not making you happy.
5. He’s possessive
The chances are that you’re stuck in a toxic relationship with a boyfriend who says he loves you but his actions say different. Maybe he’s trying to keep you by his side because he can’t allow himself to see you with anyone else.
Even though he doesn’t do much for you to make you feel happy, he still doesn’t want to let you go. That’s why he’s using sweet words to keep you next to him while his actions are non-existent.
He’s not showing you any signs that he loves you other than those three words. The problem is that he’s keeping you by his side, which makes it hard for you to let go of him.
Since you have strong feelings for him, it doesn’t feel easy to walk away. Plus, every time he tells you he loves you, you actually believe him, even though he’s not doing anything to prove that to you.
As a result, you stay by his side because it’s too difficult to leave him. It feels almost impossible to break up with a man who keeps repeating that he loves you.
The bottom line is that he’s too possessive to let go of you and allow you to find someone else who’ll make you happier. At the same time, you’re too codependent to completely cut ties and allow yourself to find someone worthy of your love.
It’s all too complicated and it can take a whole lot of time before you realize the right thing to do in a situation such as this one.
6. He’s confused about his feelings
There’s nothing worse than a guy who’s not sure about his feelings. One day, he’s all in and he wants the relationship to work and the next, he’s having doubts and thinking about breaking up.
If he says he loves you but his actions say different, then it could be that you’re stuck in a relationship with a guy who’s unsure about his feelings. He probably knows that you’re an amazing girl and he doesn’t want to lose you but at the same time, being with you doesn’t make him as happy as it’s supposed to.
He’s conflicted and has no idea how to move on from there. He can’t allow himself to let you go and regret that decision later on but he also can’t live a life of mediocre love when he knows that neither of you is happy.
This whole time, he’s probably been trying to figure out what he should do next. That’s why he’s been keeping you close and telling you how much he loves you.
At the same time, his actions have been inconsistent with his words because of the internal fight he’s been having. You won’t be able to find the right solution until both of you figure out what you want from this relationship.
Are you willing to stay together just because you’re used to being with each other? Or will you be able to let go and search for the real happiness that’s waiting for you elsewhere?
The answer isn’t simple but if you don’t try to find it, you’ll end up stuck in a relationship that isn’t going anywhere.
What to do when he says that he loves you but his actions say differently?
“He says he loves me but his actions say different. What am I supposed to do right now?”
This is probably one of the hardest decisions you’ll have to make. Figuring out the right answer will cost you a lot of time and energy.
But if you allow yourself to take the right steps and push yourself in the right direction, it’ll all be worth it. So here are some things you should do when he says that he loves you but his actions say different.
It won’t be easy but you have to do it for the sake of your happiness.
1. Figure out what you want from the relationship
It’s important that you know what you actually want from this. Once you have a clear idea of what your needs are, it’ll be much easier to know what your partner should do to meet them.
If you need someone who’ll show you that he’s there for you through both words and actions then it’s obvious that anything less than that won’t feel good enough. You’ll always feel like something’s missing.
Once you get a better handle on your expectations, it’s time for you to make the next move – the one that will make it or break it. Even though it sounds scary, it’s something you need to do if you want to allow yourself to live a happy life.
2. Communicate your needs
After you’ve realized what you want from the relationship, it’s time for you to share your feelings with your partner. It’s time to communicate your needs to him because that’s the only way you can move forward.
Every relationship expert will tell you that communication is the key. Without it, you’ll always be stuck in the same spot.
Now that you know that it doesn’t make you happy when your boyfriend tells you that he loves you while his actions say differently, you need to express those feelings. Make sure he knows how you expect him to act.
Let him realize what’s been bothering you for a while. If you keep quiet and don’t share your inner feelings with him, you’ll never allow yourself to live a happy life.
You’ll always feel like you’re missing out on something and that certainly isn’t the way you want to feel in a relationship.
3. Give him some time to change
After you communicate your needs to your boyfriend, you should give him some time to see whether he’ll be willing to change.
Maybe he’ll realize that he could lose you and that’s when it’ll hit him that he can’t afford to do that. But if he’s a manipulator, then he may opt for a technique such as gaslighting which will allow him to put the blame on you.
“I always tell you that I love you and I show you that through actions but you still accuse me of not doing so.”
You may hear him saying something like this because he wants to gain control and use you as the scapegoat. What matters most right now is for you to stay calm and not let his dirty tactics make you feel like you’re in the wrong.
If you don’t see any change in behavior in a certain amount of time, then you know that there’s no point in fighting for this relationship any longer.
4. Be honest with yourself
After it becomes obvious that he’s not willing to change, you must be honest with yourself. Give yourself a reality slap and don’t fool yourself with lies.
“Maybe he needs some more time to change. Maybe it’s just the way he is.”
If his behavior isn’t making you happy and you know it never will, then you must stop giving him second chances. There’s really no point in lying to yourself when you’re the only one who’ll end up hurt in the end.
You need to be honest about your expectations from the relationship and what you’re getting right now. If those two don’t match, then you should reconsider whether this is worth the effort.
If your needs aren’t being then you must admit to yourself that there’s no point in staying.
A relationship should be about two people feeling happy and making compromises that work for both of them. It’s not about one person getting what he wants while the other one waits for a miracle of change.
5. Know when to walk away
When he says that he loves you but his actions say different, it’s obvious that you don’t feel happy about that. It’s clear that you want something else, something more, but you’re afraid to ask for it.
If he shows you that he won’t make your wishes come true and that your needs won’t get fulfilled throughout this relationship, then it’s important to know when it’s the right time to walk away.
In this case, walking away isn’t the same as giving up, especially if you’ve gone through all of the previous steps. When you tell your boyfriend what you expect from him and he doesn’t deliver, then it’s him who’s giving up on you.
He made the decision that he didn’t want to make you happy and he has stuck to it. Even though you let him know you’re miserable, he hasn’t wanted to do anything to change that.
That’s why it’s important to know when to leave. It’s important to know when your efforts are to no avail and when you’re fighting for nothing.
Because if he doesn’t want to make a slight change in his behavior and prove to you that he loves you, then is he even worth your love? That’s a question you must answer by yourself.
Words that lack the support of actions are only a waste of time. They’re fake attempts at trying to hide the reality that’s been in front of you all this time.
But once you open your eyes, it’ll all be more than obvious. That’s when you’ll realize that holding on will cause you more pain than leaving.
