Think aloud
You met a guy who makes you happy and honestly, you feel like he could be the one but it turns out that he doesn’t know what he wants.
As you’ve been spending more and more time together, you realized that you want a serious relationship with him. You want to try your luck and see whether things would work out between the two of you.
For a long time, you’ve been trying to talk to him about it. You’ve been wanting to define your relationship and finally know where you stand.
He’s been doing whatever he could to avoid the conversation and prolonging the inevitable. However, you finally caught up with him and he had nowhere to escape.
You explained to him that you want things to get a bit more serious and that you think it could be the best step for both of you. You want to make things official so you’re sure that you’re not wasting your time.
But then you heard him saying that one sentence you’ve always been scared to hear.
“I don’t know what I want. I think that I need more time to figure it out.”
Just like that, it hit you that this guy isn’t ready to take things to the next level. All this time, you thought that he had strong feelings for you but now, you’re not so sure.
Does this mean that a break-up is on the horizon? Does it mean that you’re about to lose him even though that’s not something you want?
Right now, you’re desperate to figure out what it means when a guy doesn’t know what he wants. Is he going to change his mind about it and what can you do to help yourself get what you’re looking for?
What can it mean when he tells you that he doesn’t know what he wants?
A guy can start acting all weird the moment you mention a committed relationship. It feels as if a switch turns on inside his head and he instantly starts panicking.
After that, you keep getting mixed signals from him until he finally admits to you that he has no idea what to do next.
So, when your guy tells you that he doesn’t know what he wants, you shouldn’t take it personally. In most cases, it’s not your fault as he’s the one who’s responsible for his emotions.
Before letting you know what you can do to make this whole situation less messy than it is right now, I’m guessing that you first want to know what it means when he tells you that he doesn’t know what he wants.
Could it be that he no longer likes you or does he want you to chase after him? You may find out right now.
1. He’s not into you
The first possibility is that he actually doesn’t like you that much to be in a serious relationship with you. Your guy is not obsessed with you the same way you’re obsessed with him.
He still doesn’t want to end things with you right away since he likes having someone by his side. At the same time, he can’t even imagine building a healthy relationship with you as you’re not the one for him.
He knows very well that his feelings aren’t as strong as yours but he can’t admit that to you as he’s aware that you’ll leave him right away. However, if he acts like he doesn’t know what he wants, he’ll buy himself a bit more time.
He may even start dating other girls before you decide to leave him forever but the bottom line is that he’ll be prepared for anything that comes next.
You won’t immediately walk away from him if he finds an excuse good enough to make you stay. So, “I don’t yet know what I want,” sounds to him like the way to go.
2. He’s not ready for a relationship
When a guy likes you, he doesn’t need any time to think about his feelings. He knows that he doesn’t want to lose you and he acts that way.
But when he’s not ready for a relationship, he then looks for a way out of it. He doesn’t want to commit to you when he himself doesn’t think it’s the best idea ever.
Deep down, he knows that he needs a certain amount of time to figure out his next step. He can’t simply do as you want only to let you know days later that you’re not the one he’s looking for.
He’s not ready to do that because he knows it would be a mistake, which is why he told you that he doesn’t know what he wants. He needs some time to think about everything.
What if he enters into a relationship with you and then it hits him that he doesn’t like you the same way you like him? It would all end in disaster, as you would then be heartbroken and he would only waste his time.
He still doesn’t want to call it quits but he’ll use the time he gets to figure out his feelings.
3. He’s confused about his feelings
Speaking of feelings, a guy may tell you that he doesn’t know what he wants because he’s unsure about what he feels for you. He may truly think of you as someone he wants to grow old with but then it hits him that he could be making this decision way too early.
What if he simply fell in love with the picture of you that he created in his head? What if this whole thing is a huge mistake or what if you leave him once he already falls for you hard?
This whole relationship thing scares him as he doesn’t know whether his feelings are real. It may be that he’s rushing it all and the pace is too fast and he knows that it could all end in tears.
That’s why he feels like he needs more time to figure out his next move. If he doesn’t do that, he may make a mistake that can change the rest of his life forever.
And he’s too scared to go through that...
4. He’s afraid of commitment
This one won’t surprise you as you’ve probably met many guys who have a fear of commitment. To them, being in a serious relationship feels like a deadly sin and they usually try to avoid getting themselves in one.
Your man may be the same type. Maybe the only reason why he keeps telling you that he doesn’t know what he wants is that he’s afraid of taking the next step.
He can’t stop thinking that once you’re in a committed relationship, it’ll all start to feel a bit more real. Engagement, marriage, buying a house together, having kids – it all sounds too much to deal with and he doesn’t think that he’s ready for any of those things.
He was a guy who was always dating a few girls at a time and now you want him to focus all of his time and energy on you. It all seems like something he can’t survive and that’s why he’s been prolonging the conversation.
He truly likes you but it looks like he likes his freedom way better!
5. He doesn’t know how to express his emotions
It could be that deep down, he actually knows that you’re the only woman he wants to have by his side. Maybe he likes you way more than you think and his love life has never been better than right now.
But at the same time, he doesn’t know how to verbalize these emotions. He thinks that by saying something, he’ll ruin the whole thing and end up without you.
He’s never been in a position where he felt comfortable sharing his feelings and this experience is no different from any of his previous ones. He’s always struggled to express his emotions and that’s why you’re not getting the words you want to hear from him.
Even though he feels ready for a serious relationship, he doesn’t know how to share that with you without sounding pathetic. That’s why he chooses to stay quiet instead of opening his heart and letting you know how he feels.
6. He’s having second thoughts about what his priorities should be
When a guy tells you that he doesn’t know what he wants, it doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad thing. It can mean that he’s simply struggling with deciding on his next move.
If he’s the kind of person who always puts his career first, this can be a huge decision for him. Even though he likes you a lot, maybe he made a promise to himself that he won’t be in a serious relationship until he completes his goals and now, you’re asking him to do the exact opposite.
He’s facing one of the biggest decisions he’s ever had to make. He needs to figure out whether he’ll put his dreams and his career first or if he’ll neglect them for you.
Even if this would be an easy choice for you, you must understand that a lot of people get most of their happiness from their career. To them, choosing between love and their job doesn’t come easy when both those things make them equally happy.
It’s something they can’t change as they’re used to living their life that way.
7. He’s afraid of getting hurt
If your guy was hurt in his previous relationship then that could be the reason why he doesn’t know what he wants. He’s sure that he doesn’t want to experience the same pain as before but he also doesn’t want to lose you either.
The whole situation is a bit more complex than he expected it to be. He’s already been hurt by a person he trusted the most and maybe she cheated on him or emotionally neglected him.
The point is that he doesn’t know what to do now. He could save himself from potential pain but at the same time, that would require him to walk away from you.
He needs a bit more time to make the right decision that he won’t regret days later. That’s why he told you he’s not sure what he wants as he wants to make sure to do the right thing.
8. He’s dealing with other issues and being in a relationship isn’t a priority right now
It could be that your guy doesn’t know what he wants since he’s dealing with too many things at one time. Maybe he’s facing certain issues and it’s all taking a toll on him.
It could be that his family are dealing with some problems and at the moment, it’s the only thing that’s on his mind. It could also be that he’s having some trouble at work that he doesn’t know how to solve.
That’s why entering into a relationship isn’t his main priority right now. He just doesn’t feel ready to do so as he knows that he wouldn’t be able to focus all of his time and attention on you.
These other issues are consuming all of his energy and they make him feel drained, which is the main reason why he’s been prolonging having this conversation with you. He knows that things won’t progress the way you want them to and he doesn’t want to make you go through that.
Waiting a bit longer sounds like a way better option for both of you. At least, that’s what he believes.
9. He actually doesn’t know what he wants
Honestly, maybe you’re overthinking this whole thing and trying to look for a reason when he already told you one. Maybe you’re not moving forward as he actually doesn’t know what he wants.
He’s been trying to figure out his next step but nothing seems good enough. Your guy is probably feeling torn apart and he’s not sure what he should do next.
He doesn’t want to waste his time on you but at the same time, he can’t imagine losing you. That’s why he needs some time to think about everything and get a better understanding of his feelings.
Should you wait for a guy who doesn’t know what he wants?
Now that you know some of the possible reasons why he feels like he doesn’t know what he wants, that raises a question. Should you consider waiting for him until he gets a better grasp of what he wants?
Is it a good idea to give him all of the time he needs as you don’t want to pressure him into anything? Or would it be better for you to give him an ultimatum and sort things out right away?
The answer is that no one can tell you the right thing to do as only you know what’s best for you but it’s more than obvious that you shouldn’t wait forever for him to make up his mind. Even if you choose to give him some time, it should never be more than you can deal with.
Until you figure out whether you’re okay with waiting for him, here are some other tips you should follow. These will allow you to get back control over your own life without letting your emotions get the better of you.
1. Figure out what you want
It’s important for both of you to feel comfortable with the decision, so the same way you should accept his wants and needs, he should also be able to do that for you. Okay, so he needs a bit more time because right now, he doesn’t know what he wants.
But what do you need? Are you looking for a serious relationship?
Are you tired of casual dating that usually gets you nowhere? Do you think that you’re ready to take the next step and finally feel happy in a relationship?
He should want to know about your needs as well and you should be able to express them freely, without feeling like you’re asking for way too much.
So, it’s best for you to have a talk with yourself and figure out what you need. After that, you’ll be ready to make the next move in this waiting game.
2. Communicate your needs
Once you finally have your expectations all worked out, you should be able to communicate your desires to your guy. He has a right to know what you expect from him and if he can’t deliver, he should tell you the truth.
Maybe he needs a push to figure out what he’s actually looking for. In that case, the conversation the two of you will have could be exactly what he needs to hear.
At this point, you shouldn’t bother with giving him ultimatums and pressuring him into something he can’t do. Eventually, it will all backfire on you, without any warning.
3. Set a time limit
Now that he knows what you want from him, you should set a time limit and stick to it.
How much time are you willing to give him to figure out what he’s going to do next? How long will it be before you get tired of listening to the same lame explanation about how he doesn’t know what he wants?
This stage is important as it will serve as a breaking point. You need to give yourself a clear idea about how long you can stay before getting your needs met.
If he can’t be there for you when you need him then maybe he’s not the guy for you. And it’s much easier to accept that early on than to waste your time on him and get nothing in return.
So, be honest with yourself and set a time limit. If he breaks it without agreeing on a solution then you should know better than to wait for someone who’s obviously messing you around.
4. Follow your gut
What’s your gut telling you? Are your instincts sensing that something’s off or does it feel like he’s only playing with your feelings?
Maybe he’s acting like he doesn’t know what he wants because he doesn’t want to be alone. At the same time, he doesn’t want to commit to you either.
Is your gut feeling telling you that’s exactly what’s going on? Then maybe you should listen to it and stop wasting your time on someone who won’t ever give you what you expect him to, as it’s pointless and can only cost you your happiness.
5. Be willing to walk away
Even though you like him, you should still be willing to walk away when he doesn’t know what he wants. How can you expect him to change his mind now when you’ve already given him enough time to do so and he still didn’t do anything differently?
He kept playing the same old tune, acting as if he didn’t care about your feelings. He ignored everything you already told him and didn’t deliver on any promises.
At this point, your best option is to leave him and focus on your own life. You’ve given him way too much time and I’m not really sure whether he deserves any more than that.
You put him first and didn’t want to pressure him to do something he wasn’t ready for and at the same time, he couldn’t give you the only thing you asked him for. That’s why you should be willing to walk away from him.
Once he shows you that he doesn’t want to change for you and that he’s only stringing you along, that’s when you know he’s not the one.
A real man could never play with your emotions. He could never leave you waiting for him when he knows that he can’t give you what you expect from him.
But someone who doesn’t care about you will do exactly that. He’ll play with your heart until you can’t take it anymore.
So, if you realize what’s going on and if it becomes obvious that he won’t ever choose you, no matter what, then it’s best for you to give up on him.
When he keeps making the excuse that he doesn’t know what he wants but does nothing about it, that’s how you know that he’s not serious about you. To him, it’s all a game and you must be willing to stop playing it.
