Think aloud
So, your boyfriend is a people person. On the one hand, that’s what you like about him. But on the other, it means he has a lot of friends. That includes females! So, in order to keep the peace, there need to be some boundaries your boyfriend’s female friends should follow.
That’s how your boyfriend will be able to continue his friendship with the people he knows and cares about. And you can rest knowing that you’re in a relationship free of any jealousy and misunderstandings.
Boundaries your boyfriend’s female friends should follow
It’s completely normal for the two of you to have friends. Even ones of the opposite gender, as long as it’s just a friendship, and nothing more.
To make sure it won’t go anywhere it shouldn’t, some boundaries need to be set and followed. Let’s take a look at them.
1. No secret conversations between the two of them
Okay, it’s true that everybody talks to their friends. Sometimes we just need to talk in private about something with someone other than our significant other. However, our partner should be our best friend and the one we tell almost everything to (if not everything).
If you’ve noticed there is a lot of laughing, whispering, and private talks between your boyfriend and his female friend, you’re going to wonder what it is about, and wish you’d set this boundary earlier.
It will probably slowly start causing arguments. So before that happens, tell him that it bothers you. Explain that it makes you uncomfortable and hurts your feelings. Why? It’s simple. Because their private conversations are too frequent.
Yes, he probably knows her longer, but you’re his girlfriend and you should be his priority. So don’t be scared to tell him that his behavior makes you feel like he can trust his best friend more than you. That he finds her advice better than yours. And values her more than you.
Then he should make sure she knows how this affects your relationship. It shouldn’t be difficult for her to understand and change her behavior… If she really sees him as a friend.
2. No internal jokes
Closely connected to the previous rule is having internal jokes. Best friends usually have some old puns that only the two of them understand. But now when one has a partner, it might be tricky to behave like that, as those jokes can only make things awkward when you’re all out together.
One of the worst feelings is when you’re excluded from something. Especially when it comes to your boyfriend and another woman, no matter if she’s a friend or not.
If these jokes exist, then they should always be explained to the girlfriend. Even if they come from the times she wasn’t even together with her boyfriend.
That’s how a healthy relationship is born. Everybody’s included in the joke. It will be easy to understand it in the future and no one will feel threatened by it or wonder about any hidden messages behind it.
3. Date nights are only for him and you
The three of you can go out together from time to time. But the emphasis is on “from time to time.” She can’t intrude on your lives every day, especially if you’re going on a date.
I understand that she probably spent more time with your boyfriend before. But she needs to understand that it’s not the same as it was. He can still be her best friend, but some things need to change. That’s how he’ll respect both his friend and his girlfriend.
If she constantly wants to include herself in your couple’s time, he needs to talk with her. Your boyfriend should make sure that his female friend understands this boundary. Dates are reserved for couples or those pursuing a romantic relationship.
She’ll hopefully understand that she can’t go out with you every single time you leave your home.
4. No more all-night texting and calling
Okay, I’ve explained why his female friends shouldn’t interrupt your date nights. Now, I’m here to mention another thing that’s not okay: all-night texting and calling.
Maybe that’s how they used to communicate before. But if you’re in a relationship and your partner constantly texts someone else, you’ll probably feel worried. Especially if you’re being ignored because of it.
Your boyfriend’s female friend probably had no problem contacting him in the evening before, but some new boundaries need to be set. Those situations must reduce as much as possible because he’s in a relationship.
It can be very hurtful if you’re having a movie night together and he’s texting her throughout the whole night, laughing at her messages like there’s no tomorrow.
Don’t get me wrong, she can still call and have a close friendship with him. But she will also need to be careful when it comes to your feelings and cut back on calling and texting, or at least find better timing to do so.
5. His friend must understand your need for privacy as a couple
Apart from date nights being made for you and your boyfriend only, another boundary his female friend should follow is respecting that couples need to have some private time.
It’s normal for couples to have conversations that are private to them. They should also have their inside jokes, private plans, dreams, and goals. Those are some things that don’t need to be shared with friends.
Don’t confuse this with the part where I said she shouldn’t be having private conversations with your boyfriend. A couple having them is completely different. If you want a healthy relationship, there should be a certain amount of privacy involved.
6. No more trips alone
It’s likely that your boyfriend often went on small trips or weekend getaways with his girl best friend. It was obviously completely platonic, or they wouldn’t still be friends.
However, one of the rules his friend should follow is not to ask him to travel anywhere without you. You and your boyfriend come as a package deal now.
Of course, you can choose not to go. Maybe the timing isn’t good, or you can’t go for some other reason. If that’s the case, then you can speak to your boyfriend and decide if he’ll still go or not. It depends on the trust. But what’s important is that you were at least invited.
However, if she asks him to go but doesn’t invite you, it shows that she doesn’t see you as someone important. And if that’s the case, you might have some problems with her respecting the boundaries.
You should talk to your boyfriend about this and tell him how it makes you feel.
7. Respectful social media behavior
Social media is a place where everything you share is public. People can see it and they have the right to comment on it, forward it to their friends, save it… So, everything you share must be carefully thought through.
If your boyfriend’s friend often posts photos of her and your partner, it might look a bit awkward to other followers. Especially if they appear too close, and you’re not included in any story she’s posted.
It’s very easy for other people to get the wrong idea if they see that. Especially if they are members of your family who can easily get confused. Can you imagine having to explain everything to them? Every time she posts him on social media must be made in such a way that it’s clear it’s only a friendship.
She should be aware of what’s too much. If she isn’t, make sure your boyfriend talks to her about respect.
8. Minimal physical contact
It’s normal for friends to behave silly with each other because they know there’s nothing romantic or attractive in it. However, it doesn’t mean that your partner will see it the same way.
A huge boundary that your boyfriend’s female friends need to respect is the physical contact aspect. I’m not saying they aren’t allowed to hug or kiss on the cheek when they greet each other. But it should stay at that.
Anything more than that is disrespectful to you. In addition to that, it might make others assume that something is going on between them. Some people may even contact you to tell you about seeing your boyfriend with another woman.
Even if you know there’s nothing more than a friendship there, the fact that others may think there is, surely isn’t going to make you feel good. So, make sure she keeps her hands to herself!
9. No talking behind the back
I understand that it can be difficult when your best friend finds a partner. You suddenly start seeing them much less than before. And then even your friendship needs to change at least a bit because of all of these new boundaries.
Now you can see why your boyfriend’s friend could become a little frustrated. She may even dislike you, just because she feels like you took away her best friend.
One of the most important boundaries your boyfriend’s female friend should follow is not to talk about you behind your back. That said, the same applies to you talking about her.
It’s disrespectful and might create unnecessary problems. The last thing you want is to force your boyfriend to choose between his long-time best friend and his girlfriend.
10. Respect his priorities
Another important thing she’ll need to understand is that you’re his priority now. The girl he loves the most and the one he wants to spend the most time with.
And if she wants to keep him as a friend, she will need to respect your boyfriend’s choice. If they’ve been best friends for a long time, it might be a bit confusing to her at first, but she should soon realize that she needs to be happy for him.
Just because his priorities have changed, doesn’t mean that he doesn’t care about her and his other friends anymore.
If all these boundaries are respected, the three of you can have a great relationship. Isn’t that the best option out there? Who knows, maybe she’ll become your best friend too!
Warning signs your boyfriend and his female friend might want to break the boundaries
If you and your boyfriend have a great, healthy relationship, you probably have nothing to worry about. But sometimes the unexpected actually happens and hurts our feelings.
Therefore, I’ve prepared 10 signs that can help you figure out whether your boyfriend and his female friend want something more than their friendship.
I hope you won’t recognize them while reading these signs. But you know what they say, better safe than sorry.
1. She doesn’t like you
If you feel like your boyfriend’s female friend doesn’t like you, it’s something that will probably make you worried. He would probably feel the same way if it was you and your guy best friend, right?
Multiple problems come with her disliking you. Firstly, she’ll probably talk ill about you to your boyfriend. She might even try to convince him you’re not good enough for him. That he can find someone much better.
He probably won’t take her opinion seriously at first. But if they’ve been friends for a long time, and she’s constantly trying to prove you’re not the one, he might end up rethinking his choice. And that’s dangerous ground for your relationship.
The other problem is that she might be secretly in love with him. She wants him to herself, and you’re the girl standing in her way.
2. They frequently flirt
We’re all able to recognize flirting when we see it. Have you ever been out with the two of them but something was fishy?
Maybe you noticed her looking at him like he’s the finest piece of art. Or he laughed at her jokes, more than he ever did at yours. These are all the things that can mess with our heads.
It can make us overthink the situation. “Are they really flirting or is it just how two best friends act? If they’re behaving like this in front of me, how does it look when I’m not there?”
But there’s a difference between being friendly and flirty. And trust me, you’ll notice it. Watch their body language and it will help you see the truth.
3. You’ve seen this before
Maybe you’ve faced this problem before. Your ex-boyfriend had a female best friend, and even though the boundaries were set, something still happened.
Now that makes you anxious when it comes to your new partner and his BFF hanging out on their own. However, there’s something you learned from your previous relationship. And that’s how to recognize when something is wrong.
So trust yourself. If you notice some familiar behavior, keep your eyes open. Don’t jump to conclusions right away, but don’t fool yourself either.
At the end of the day, the truth always has a way of coming out.
4. They confide in each other too much
I’ve already said that it’s fine and totally normal that we share some secrets with our best friends. However, when we’re in a relationship, we should tell most things to our partners. Isn’t one of the reasons you’ve chosen that person the fact that they’re also your best friend? The person you trust the most?
So if you feel like your boyfriend is sharing more about his life with his friend than with you, that may be a bad sign. Him choosing her instead of you may lower your self-esteem and force you to search for possible problems and reasons he doesn’t trust you that much.
But, in fact, it’s likely that they are unintentionally breaking the boundaries of friendship.
5. He’s always on his phone
Is he constantly on his phone while he’s with you? Is he smiling and laughing a lot when looking at his screen? He’s talking to someone and you’re aware that it’s actually her.
How does it make you feel? Would you do that to him? If he’s paying more attention to her than you, there’s good reason for you to worry.
It’s obvious that she finds her funny, she’s his best friend. But sometimes it’s just too much, and you want it to stop. If you feel like you’re the third wheel, then you’ll know something’s off.
Pay attention to how often this happens, and if he even apologizes for interrupting your date just to answer her. This isn’t what a healthy relationship should look like.
6. His behavior embarrasses you
It’s crystal clear so far that your boyfriend and his female friends should have set boundaries. Especially when it comes to behaving in public.
Has this ever happened to you? You, your boyfriend, and his friend decided to hang around one day. There were other friends and family with you. But then the two of them started giggling, whispering, playfully pushing each other, or taking selfies.
You noticed the looks on other people’s faces and you felt embarrassed. The way they act with each other really put you on the spot and hurt your feelings.
If you are frequently uncomfortable with their interaction, and you’re doubting their friendship, you should be careful.
7. They trash-talk their partners
If your boyfriend’s friend is also in a relationship, that is mostly something that will relax you.
However, if you’ve heard her trash-talk her boyfriend, that’s a red flag. It’s okay to speak about your problems with a friend, but talking ill about your partner is a completely different thing. It tells a lot about you as a person and makes you seem disrespectful.
Another possibility is that she’s actually trying to get close to your boyfriend. Pretending to have a difficult time back home, so she can hang out with him more. Some may even act nice and thank you for understanding why she needs your boyfriend’s attention during these tough times.
Always try to figure out the motives behind someone’s words.
8. There’s too much posting on social media
This one goes hand in hand with what I’ve talked about in “Respectful social media behavior.”
If your boyfriend and his friend tend to post about each other on social media more than you would like to, that’s an issue you may want to look into. Keep track of how often he shares photos of you, and then of her.
Also, if you feel they’re purposely avoiding making it clear that they’re just friends, that’s very disrespectful toward you. But it’s also an indication that they wish their relationship was different.
What can also help you find the truth are the comments. Check out how often they leave comments on each other’s posts. What is the most common thing they write? Does it sound flirty or just friendly?
9. He says you’re just overthinking
Maybe you’ve already noticed some things and you decided to ask your boyfriend about it. What happened then?
Did he calmly explain that there’s nothing you should worry about? That she’s just his friend, who’s been there for him throughout his life and their love is only platonic.
Or did he lose his temper and started accusing you that you’re just overreacting or overthinking everything?
10. Your intuition says something’s wrong
When you can’t find a clear answer, you need to follow your gut. Even if your partner and his best friend are telling you that you’re just imagining things, and being paranoid, there’s a big possibility that you aren’t. So you need to listen to your feelings – not the things they’ve told you multiple times.
Now grab a piece of paper and mark the signs you’ve noticed. If there are many of them, chances are that your boyfriend also fancies his female friend.
However, if there are set boundaries for your boyfriend’s female friends, your relationship should last long! The only things you need are respect, trust, and love.
My final tip for you is to be fair. If you want him to behave in a certain way when it comes to his female friends, you should act the same with your male friends.
