Think aloud
You’ve probably heard about ghosting, zombieing, and benching – and a host of other weird, modern relationship jargon. But what the heck is a textationship?
We kind of got used to the new words being added to the English dictionary every year, but this one sounds confusing. Honestly, I wonder who thought of it. It seems like we got it by combining texting and a relationship in one word.
Say what?
In this article, I’ll give you a detailed explanation of what a textationship actually is, what catfishing means, and last but not least, we’ll go through the signs that you actually are stuck in a texting relationship. So buckle up girl, let’s go on an adventure!
What is a textationship?
If you hadn’t heard of it earlier, now you know there is something called a textationship. But, what exactly is it?
According to the Urban Dictionary, a textationship is a friendly, romantic, or intimate relationship between two people whereby text messaging is utilized as the primary form of communication throughout, oftentimes due to one person’s unwillingness and inability to express their feelings.
So basically, this is a love… rectangle? Huh?!
Even though there was visible confusion on my face when I read this for the first time, it’s kind of true.
I mean, in a love triangle (I assume you’re pretty familiar with this one and hopefully you weren’t in one) there are three people involved. In a textationship, however, while there are two people involved, you also have two phones which makes it, well, a rectangle.
Basically, when you’re in a texting relationship with someone, you ONLY text each other. So, no phone calls, no facetime, no face-to-face contact.
Now you may ask if this is even a real relationship. Some people will argue with you that it is. Even though they’ve never met the person they’re in textationship with, they’ve been together for a long time.
They developed strong feelings for the other individual solely based on their texts.
For example, you meet someone over social media, Tinder, or any other dating app and the only thing you can do right now is to exchange texts. Until you meet in real life, that is.
But the kind of relationship we’re talking about right now means that you don’t even have a phone conversation. You constantly send each other flirty text messages, you check in with each other on a daily basis, and you just love spending time texting with him from the comfort of your home.
Sounds like a nice way to stay in touch with someone without investing too much of your energy. And it’s super easy to talk about private things when you don’t have to respond in real-time, right?
So, what’s the catch?
The tricky part of a textationship is that you sometimes have to guess what the other person meant when typing something like “Don’t worry about me.” Are they being sarcastic? Does he need your help? Should you actually worry, or maybe not?
You’ll have to master the skill of reading between the lines if you want this kind of relationship to work out. You won’t be able to see his facial expressions or read his body language, which may make you end up misinterpreting what he tried to say.
As much as this type of communication seems like something laid back and pretty simple, it raises a lot of questions. I’m not saying it’s always a bad thing – I mean, best friends often communicate this way if they’ve been separated for a while.
You’re well aware of how easily we all get stuck in our daily life and we have different obligations that we need to fulfill, so this is a convenient way to maintain your friendship. Maybe you met your bestie while you were traveling, or when you were on a student exchange, and because of different timezones, this is the only way to stay in touch.
Of course, this is a great thing, but what happens if you never met the person in real life? Have you heard of the term catfishing? Okay, another word to learn for today that is tightly connected with our topic.
More often than not, a lot of people present themselves as some fictional online persona. This means that they take another person’s identity and make different accounts on social media to make their story credible.
Scary, isn’t it?
For this reason, please be careful while texting with someone, and react as soon as you notice some red flags. Put your mental health and wellness in the first place regardless of what others may think.
Now that we’re familiar with the main terms regarding textationships, let’s see how you can know you’re actually in one.
11 signs you’re in a textationship with him
Since we’ve explained in detail what a textationship is, it’s time for us to finally figure out what are the signs we’re in one.
You’re maybe constantly texting with a guy, he’s all nice and sweet, he showers you with compliments, but you’ve never met him?
Hmm… Let’s go through the signs that may clarify the situation a bit.
1. You never met him IRL
He’s really sweet and caring. He remembers your birthday and he never forgets to wish you good luck on your exams. He sends you “good morning” and “I love you” types of messages often. It seems like a fairy tale and you just can’t stop thinking of him.
He knows you better than you know yourself and manages to find the right words every single time. You just can’t believe a man like him is real.
But is he though?
Have you been texting for a while now and you still haven’t got your chance to meet him? Doesn’t this sound like a red flag to you? How can you be sure that “he” is not a “she,” or even some old perve or scammer?
Do you actually believe in fairy tales? I mean, besides happy endings, we need to remember that each fairy tale had a villain and at some point it was scary.
Maybe you’ll tell me how he sent you his pics and that’s clear-cut proof he exists. Obviously, you’re texting with someone, and that someone holds a phone in their hands. But – who is he in fact?
If you still haven’t met your online boyfriend in real life, please be careful.
2. One of you is always busy
Both of you want to meet badly, but somehow it never happens. Either you or your guy are detained by your obligations and you seem to always be busy.
You know, neither of you is trying to run away from the other, so that’s why you’re choosing to stay in a textationship until the right time comes.
Umm, okay. Tell me, who is sooo busy that they can’t take a little time out to go on a date with a person they care about? No one’s schedule isn’t that packed with things they have to do.
You can’t postpone something to meet the love of your life? I don’t think so.
There are only two clear explanations for this situation because no one is that busy, rather it’s a matter of priority. I mean yes, I do have my own Guinness book of excuses that I use from time to time, but only if I really don’t want to see someone.
So, if your guy or you avoid meeting IRL, think about these two things: Does he care as much as he claims? And does he exist at all?
Indeed, something’s fishy here.
3. You don’t try to make plans
You’ve been in a textationship for quite some time now, but you never thought of meeting him face-to-face. Why is that the case?
Maybe you never even intended to meet him and it all started as a random swipe to the right on Tinder. It could also happen that you planned to see him, but before you realized it, he was out of your country.
And you know, traveling can be expensive and the whole thing with Covid… Yeah, stop it. You never actually tried to make plans, did you?
I understand that it’s easier to sit on your sofa at home and the only effort you have to put in is to push that send button. And, maybe, you enjoy it, which is fine.
But texting, as a primary form of communication, is not the best choice for an intimate relationship with someone.
4. One of you stops texting for a short time
Do you have periods when you completely forget he exists? It can happen that with time someone decides to stop texting the other. Maybe you’ve found another guy more interesting and now this textationship may seem like cheating.
Or maybe he just chose to ghost you for no reason, but he slides back to your DMs in a week or so? What the hell is happening?
Clearly, neither of you thinks of this texting relationship as something serious enough to invest in it properly. So, if he stops sending you messages for a while and then comes back as if nothing happened, ditch the dude already.
5. Communication decreases over time
You used to text every day and now you barely communicate? When the textationship was still new, you couldn’t put your phone down.
You used to spend hours texting back and forth and it seemed as if you’d never get tired of it. There were a lot of topics you could talk with him about, but as time passed by, the communication between the two of you decreased.
Now, you just occasionally send a snap to him in order to keep that streak. What changed?
It’s not like it’s super easy to run out of things to talk about, but you kinda got tired and maybe even bored, right? This is just a sign that the textationship you had with him was leading nowhere.
6. You feel taken and lonely at the same time
So, you’re texting with this guy, but you’re not sure how he feels about you. Are you in a real relationship or just talking because someone’s actually paying attention to what you have to say?
This causes you to feel taken and lonely at the same time. Since the textationship lacks physical contact, it’s really challenging not to feel lonely, right? Once you get used to the fact that he’s always there when you need him, it’s going to be hard to shake off that feeling of commitment.
You’re afraid that you’ll betray or even hurt him if you start seeing or texting other guys. Maybe he feels the same as well.
Try talking with him to come up with the best possible solution and set up some boundaries. In case you really want to take it to another level, start those phone conversations, FaceTime him, or arrange that first meeting.
7. You’re unsure if he’s seeing other people
Started to wonder why he goes quiet during a certain period of the day? Wouldn’t you like to know if he’s dating someone else? Of course you would.
When you guys are texting, everything is perfect. You feel butterflies in your stomach and he makes you smile all the time. But every day at the same time, he just drops off the radar.
Not only that, he always avoids answering your questions about it. At this point, you’re not sure if he was honest that he’s not romantically involved with someone else.
Do you really need to stress out if some crazy woman will knock on your door tomorrow and start an argument with you because you’re texting her husband? I think not.
8. You are afraid of THE rendezvous
It’s all rainbows and butterflies when you’re texting and it seems like no one can understand you the way he can. But there is just a little inconvenience here. You get extremely anxious whenever you think of meeting him.
Maybe you’ve tried to arrange the big meet before, and when he wrote that you’ll have to postpone it because something came up, you felt a huge relief. Umm, what?
Since you’ve been texting for a long time, you’re afraid that you may run out of topics to talk about. Also, you don’t know what he looks like (and vice-versa), so what if you won’t like each other physically?
What if the attraction you two feel is actually because the whole concept of a textationship is spiced up with some mystery?
It’s normal that you feel this way, but if you really want to see him, you can always ask a relationship coach for some advice. Or just be courageous girl, you can do it!
Disclaimer: Please do not, under any circumstance, arrange a meeting with a guy if you notice something even slightly fishy. Do not ignore red flags, cause in the long run, they’re really helpful.
9. He’s just your pastime
You’re at home, just finished watching the last episode of your fave series, but you’re not in the mood for studying.
You recall that you never answered his text from a couple of hours ago! So you take your phone and you’re back at the vicious circle called textationship.
You don’t do this consciously. If we’re being honest, the main reason you took your phone at that point was out of boredom. But do you really need him to be your pastime?
How would you feel if someone texted you just because they were bored at the moment? Sounds cruel, doesn’t it?
I assume you’d be hurt and you’d never talk to that person again. It’s really not easy to know that you’re someone’s backup option, so please be considerate and don’t lead the poor guy around by the nose.
10. You text him things you’re afraid to say
Do you text him things you’re afraid to say out loud? Are you telling him things you normally wouldn’t vocalize?
It’s way easier to talk with someone who doesn’t have a built-in perception of you in their mind, rather they create one based on the information you provide them.
In other words, no matter how close you are or how intimate your textationship is, he’s still a stranger to you in a way. Therefore, it’s easier to tell him things you otherwise wouldn’t be able to because it’s not who you are.
When you’re constantly surrounded by people who are judging everything and everyone, it gets hard to show your true self. That forces us to be vulnerable in front of people who don’t know us because, at the end of the day, their opinion doesn’t matter to us that much.
I mean, realistically speaking, who knows when or if you will see each other ever, right?
11. One (or both of you) is not ready for a serious relationship
You found yourself stuck in a textationship – and you love it!
This is also a pretty normal reaction to this type of relationship. There may be a lot of reasons why this suits you. I have a couple of ideas myself.
You don’t have enough time for calls and fancy dinners, and the whole dating process seems a bit tiring for you. Also, you’re not the type of a person for everlasting love stories – it’s just not your cuppa tea.
So a texting relationship with someone sounded cool, and you’ve managed to find someone who feels the same. Awesome!
You don’t have to explain to him why it sometimes takes you hours to answer a text, and other times you reply instantly. He understands that you have obligations, and appreciates that you still choose to read about his day when you find the time.
In this case, knowing how to keep a textationship healthy and maintain the chemistry you share is going to be essential. And, well – never say never. Maybe it will turn into a serious romantic relationship once you both are ready. Good luck!
What now?
After reading this article, you’ve figured out that you actually are in a textationship. Isn’t it weird how we’re not aware of some things? Or do we simply choose not to see them?
Whatever the reason, there are two things that you can do right now. The first one is to hold on to it tight and the second one is to simply get out of it. The choice is yours completely.
I’ll share some advice for both cases and it’s up to you to decide.
Making a textationship work is going to be almost as difficult as making any other relationship work. Firstly, you have to make sure that you and the guy you’re texting with are on the same page.
Explain to him why sometimes it may take you long to answer, and share your expectations about this. Also, stay consistent, since consistency is highly valued in this scenario.
If you text him rarely, but you send him very long messages, don’t stray from that. Otherwise, you’ll leave him overthinking about what went wrong.
Even if texting seems enough, it’s not. Try to take some time to actually talk with him. Think about this as a long-distance relationship and treat it that way if you want it to succeed.
On the other hand, if you’re ready to unravel the tangle, the first and the most important thing you can do is to initiate a live meeting. It may seem daunting at the start, but if you notice that the guy is determined not to see you, you know what to do.
Texting in any relationship is not bad at all unless it’s really intense at the early stages of a relationship. That may lead to a textationship with you ending up avoiding ever meeting in person.
However, if you’re already in a strong and healthy relationship, texting can only strengthen it. Still, choose not to text all the time if you have a chance to actually go out and enjoy each other’s company.
Relationships will last longer with a proper dose of all the elements needed: love, friendship, texting, dates, and even some drama. So make sure you have a diversity of spices mixed in there, and don’t forget to add a bucketload of honesty and respect.
And well, have fun!
