None of us seek love knowing that one day, we’ll have to give up on it. None of us put our heart into the hands of this one special person knowing that one day, they’ll tear it apart and throw it away.
If we knew that we would have to go through these painful experiences, we would never fall in love. We would never choose relationships.
When I met you, I thought of you as some unique creature that was sent to this world just so I could call you mine. Your eyes enchanted me and I couldn’t look at anyone else besides you.
You were everything I ever wanted, you were the only guy I saw.
Day by day, I was falling for you more and more. I learned new things about you, like the way you drink your coffee or the way you mumble my name when you’ve just woken up.
Your voice became my relaxing melody, your arms my safe zone, and your eyes my happy pill.
It’s not only that I fell for you but I was absolutely and completely in love with you. You were the one my dreams were about and the one who inspired many of my late-night poems.
You were my guardian angel and I gave myself to you completely.
My heart, my soul – they were both yours.
This was not some one-sided relationship thing, as you felt the same way about me. At least, that’s what you kept telling me.
But right now, I’m not really sure that you can love someone one day and choose to break their heart the next. Because that’s exactly what you did to me.
Your presence in my life made me happy. Days finally had a point and my life was worth living.
Every time I went to bed, I had a reason to get up in the morning and that reason had your name, smiled the brightest and called me, “My love.”
All of this made your departure much harder than I could’ve expected. The amount of love I felt for you turned into the amount of pain I felt after you were gone.
Just like that, I was lying on the floor, crying my eyes out because you decided that we weren’t a good match anymore.
Just like that, you took my heart with you. You ripped it out of my chest and left me with complete emptiness.
All of the dreams we had, all of the promises you made to me, all of the ‘I love yous’ you said – they were all gone with you.
After you left, I realized that I now had two personalities. The one I was with you, while I called myself the happiest person in the world, and the one after you left and deprived me of every feeling except pain.
I was no longer the same person. I was no longer a girl who knew how to love.
You took that away from me as well. It was like I didn’t even know the person in the reflection of the mirror.
Actually, I didn’t look at her as a person anymore. She was just something that was left after the one she loved the most betrayed her trust and replaced her with the first girl he met.
I was in pain, both physically and emotionally, and I didn’t know how to pick myself up off the ground.
My mind was still trying to convince me that you would come back and we would be happy again. But deep down, I knew that there was no chance for that to happen, no matter how much I wanted it.
So, I did my best to start fixing myself. Piece by piece, I started putting all those shattered parts of my heart back in the place where they were supposed to go.
I tried to make myself look and feel the same way I did before I met you.
Maybe I succeeded in the physical aspect of my wishes. I looked almost the same as before you betrayed me and broke me into two.
My legs still knew how to walk without you but no one knew how weak they felt. My eyes were still vast oceans of blue but only I knew how much they stung after all those tears I cried through them.
The smile on my face was still there but no one knew how much it hurt to force myself to fake one.
All in all, I still looked the same in the eyes of the others. The fact that I saw the difference is something we’ll ignore right now.
However, what changed completely was my personality.
I was no longer the person I used to be before you. This new me was nothing like everything I was before and it took me some time to get to know me better.
The first time I went out with a guy, months after my heart was broken by you, I realized that this new me is now afraid of people.
She no longer trusts them and sees only the bad in them. She thinks that others want to take advantage of her and that they’ll be gone before she even memorizes their names.
Instead of being kind to them, this new me treated them as her enemies.
She did her best to walk everyone new out of the door of her life. Then, she would lock it and throw away the key as if she wanted no one to ever walk back in.
This new me was afraid of people. She was afraid of her feelings and she kept neglecting them, pushing them deep down so they never came back up to the surface.
This new me was afraid of love.
She was afraid of opening herself up again because she knew how dangerous people could be. She knew how much pain they could inflict on you, how hard they can shake up your whole world and change it forever.
This new me is the real me and I understand her completely.
I know that I’m only trying to protect myself from future betrayal. I’m trying to save myself from future pain because I’m not really sure whether I would be able to deal with it ever again.
This new me is my reality and I’ll have to accept it and slowly lead myself toward healing. And if you ever see me and tell me that I’m a different person and that you don’t remember me being as such, I’ll answer you with only one sentence…