Every day I wake up with the same burden. Loving you. It’s sad, but it’s true. I go to bed at night hoping that it will change when I get up the next morning. But I know it won’t change…ever. Yet, I still choose to stay.
My friends tell me I should leave you. They try to prove to me that you are not good for me and that I don’t deserve to be treated like that. That I need to find someone who will love me for who I am. Someone who will make sure I’m loved, cherished, adored, and taken care of.
That’s not you. You are the one who reminds me every day that I’m not enough, but I still stay. The worst thing is that I’m aware of how bad you are, I’m aware of how little chance there is for you to change. But I choose to ignore it and I hurt myself again and again.
Sometimes I’m mad at myself because I’m purposely destroying my life and my happiness. Then I’m mad at you because you’re the reason why.
People want me to explain why I always give you a new chance. And honestly, I never know how to answer them, because I don’t think I even know.
When I try to explain myself, I stutter. I find it difficult to make a meaningful sentence because my head is a jungle. I don’t even know how it’s possible to have so many contradictions in one brain. Sometimes I think I have enough strength to finally leave, but then for some reason, I can’t make myself do it.
Now you’re probably reading this and telling me I am always making a big deal about everything. But I’m not. I told you hundreds of times what are the things that hurt me. You never cared about them. I heard hundreds of promises, but I never saw a change in your behavior.
Want to hear how you make me feel every day? Want to know how I cry myself to sleep every night because you constantly remind me how I’m not enough for you? Of course, you don’t. But I don’t care. I always have to listen to your lies, and now it’s time for you to listen to some truth.
Do you remember when you told me I should work out more? Yes, I knew I gained some weight and I was trying so hard to lose it. But it was so difficult because of all of the stress I had in my life. I wanted some support, but what did I get instead?
I got you telling me that I should take a look at how amazing your co-worker looks even though she gave birth recently. And I never had a child. You opened her Instagram and showed me pictures of her at the gym, at the beach, and in a restaurant with a small bowl of salad in front of her.
I even saw your comment on every single picture. Fire emoji, huh?
Do you know how I felt at that moment? You don’t because you never bothered to ask about my feelings. You never bothered to ask why I stopped working out or why I started eating so much. But I got back up on my feet and I tried hard to get back in shape. You know, I did that for myself, but mostly for you.
I wish you knew how excited I was to feel beautiful again. Somewhere inside, I hoped you’ll like me again, but you never said anything. I looked better than ever before, yet I didn’t get a single reaction from you. And certainly no ‘fire’ emoji for me. What I got was another complaint.
You told me I don’t earn as much as your best friend’s wife does. You told me I’m lazy because I like to watch movies when I get back home from work. So I started working as a freelancer after my shift. I earned enough to renovate the kitchen for your birthday. Because I know how much you love to cook.
I got a ‘thank you’ kiss, but then you said you didn’t like the kitchenware I chose. “It looks cheap and boring, you should’ve called my sister and ask her for advice.” You once again reminded me that I’m not good enough.
We even stopped hanging out alone. Every time we would agree to go on a date, you would call other people to join us. It’s because you think it’s boring when two people go out alone. But how can spending time with the person you love be boring?
It wasn’t like that before, so tell me what changed. Why am I not enough for you anymore? I do everything I can to save us and to save what we have. But I can’t do it on my own. Do you really think I deserve to be treated like this because I’m sure I don’t?
If you want me to leave, just tell me. I’ll pack my bags and leave. But until then I’ll stay and hope that it will work out in the end. Because that’s me.
I fight until the very last battle and I don’t quit just because it’s difficult. And if you think I’m staying because I’m weak, you couldn’t be more wrong.
If you have some other issues just talk to me, you know I’m always there for you. But something needs to change. We’re reaching our final battle and you need to make a choice.
Either you’ll start showing me I’m enough or I’ll be free to find a real man who will show me I’m more than enough.
I know you won’t expect me to leave. But when a girl is reminded every day that she is not enough, she changes. Even though she stayed for a long time, one day she may wake up and choose to end it all. It’s up to you to decide whether you want to risk it or not.