Unfortunately, you can’t turn back time and save yourself from the horrible things that you went through. Back then, you refused to believe the people who tried to keep you away from him, but it’s too late to wish that you listened to them.
I won’t tell you that things happen for a reason. That’s the worst thing that anyone could ever say to you. Your trauma didn’t have to happen for you to become a better person. It isn’t something that God gave you because you were strong enough to handle it.
Your trauma is completely and utterly the fault of that stupid, insecure, childish man who didn’t know how else to get his frustration out. He took it all out on you.
It doesn’t matter if he had trauma himself that led him to do something like this. It just shows that he was used to you making excuses for him because you wanted to help him. He used his own trauma to cause you even more.
I would’ve loved to turn back the clock and help you walk away from him when the time was right. Or even to never have you meet him in the first place. His face seems to still trigger such a flight response from you, that it’s startling at times.
There was nothing you could’ve done.
You thought that you loved him purely and that he deserved a chance. He gave you glimpses of just how sweet he could be. He showed you that love could be beautiful and caring.
Then, when he would take it all away from you, you’d hold on to those fleeting moments of joy.
You genuinely believed he could be the man you fell in love with. You wanted to see him be gentle with you again and to remind you just how much love you actually deserve.
But it seems that person was nothing more than a ghost that momentarily overshadowed his true self.
You were so miserable when things were falling apart. You tried to hug yourself tightly so that your pieces wouldn’t fall apart all around you. People saw how hard you tried to keep yourself together, but it’s nothing compared to the battle that was going on inside you.
You were torn between the love you felt for him and the love you knew you deserved. You were giving him everything, but you weren’t getting anything in return.
Your trauma is so obvious if someone just spent enough time watching the way you react to loud sounds. It’s even noticeable when someone makes a sudden movement or you try to express your feelings.
Those wounds go deeper than anyone will ever be able to see.
But, believe it or not, you can do something about it. You can’t change the fact that he inflicted trauma on you, but you can make the choice to end the suffering.
Don’t just throw in the towel and expect things to become easier by themself. They won’t.
You need to be strong for a while longer and get yourself out of this rut. I know that you’re so tired of being strong, but remember the person you owe your healing to. You owe it to yourself!
The one thing you need to do right now is to realize that you went through it. Experience all of your emotions, even if that means crying your eyes out. And then start your healing process.
I know right now you feel like you’ll never truly heal. I can tell you with certainty that it’ll be a rocky road.
You’ll have so many ups and downs that one day you’ll even want to give up on yourself. But you can never do that.
Just because he gave up on you and didn’t want to treat you the way you deserve, doesn’t mean that you should stop treating yourself with kindness. You deserve all the love in this world and now you have the chance to give it to yourself.
Your healing process is your own responsibility. Because you’re the most permanent thing in your life.
Ask yourself: What do I need to feel better right now? What do I need to help me heal?
Do you need to be surrounded by your friends and family? Do you need therapy? Both?
You deserve to give yourself all the things that you need to heal. Only you know what those things entail, but you owe it to yourself. You went through so much with that man that looking back on it now seems like a movie. That surely doesn’t happen in real life, right? Well, it did happen to you.
Whatever it is that he did to you, he inflicted so much trauma on you, that now you have to fight it out of your system.
At times, it’ll feel like you’re going through all of it again. When you retrieve your memories and remember what he did to you, you’ll feel just the way you did when it was actually happening.
That’s scary as heck. No one should have to go through all those experiences once, let alone twice.
But you’ll move through it. You’re not alone on this journey and you’re not a failure.
Look at all the things that you were able to live through! Look at the strength you showed the world you have!
Please don’t give him the satisfaction of winning. You owe it to yourself and to every woman who’s gone through the same thing you did to heal.
You need to become stronger, understand that none of this was your fault, and be prepared to show the world the perfect version of yourself.
Don’t let him win. Please, don’t let him show the world that he was right about you.
Because he wasn’t. You’re capable, you’re strong, and you have a beautiful soul.
Use that now to heal yourself. Put all that energy into healing. You can do this!