Going through a breakup always sparks the question, “Why can’t I get over my ex?”
Letting go isn’t the easiest thing to do after you’ve just broken up with someone. They were your best friend, your shoulder to cry on, so the heartbreak is enormous.
You feel like you should be able to get over your ex, but you simply can’t because you shared so many great and amazing moments. You want to believe that it’s going to get better, but you’re obviously struggling.
All of this doesn’t even make sense to you anymore. You broke up for a reason. Perhaps he cheated on you or wasn’t treating you right, or he couldn’t see your worth and he was the one to leave you.
But no matter the reason, it doesn’t change the fact that your past relationship is still lingering somewhere in your mind.
You want to be able to forget all about it – all about him – as it’s only making you more miserable. Getting over your ex is really taking a toll on your mental health.
That person isn’t in your life anymore and you have to work through these things without him there.
Your previous relationship taught you so much about what you want from love, it just doesn’t seem fair that it’s over now.
But it shouldn’t hurt this much, should it?
Why can’t I get over my ex?
Your romantic partner was the reason you were happy once upon a time and now it doesn’t look like you’re going to get over him.
Let me start by telling you that the time period isn’t always crucial. You can still love your ex even years after you’ve broken up.
You probably don’t want to hear it, but it’s true. Romantic relationships tend to stick in our hearts because they’ve made an impact on our lives.
When that relationship ends, you don’t know what you should do to feel whole again. You relied on your ex for emotional and mental support. Sometimes even more than that.
So when you’re in your healing process, like every other human being, you have your ups and downs.
Some days, you’re able to understand that it wasn’t meant to be. But then other days roll around where you feel like your heart is getting ripped out of your chest.
You will need time to process it all and heal, but you also need to realize that many other factors can influence your journey.
So let’s figure out why you can’t get over your ex-boyfriend.
1. You have low self-esteem
When you have a low sense of self-worth, it’s very easy to become co-dependent on your partner. You need him for mental and emotional support. You need him to validate you and tell you that you’re worth the life you’ve been given.
If you feel like your self-esteem has not been your best friend throughout your life then you know what I’m talking about.
People who have an issue with very low confidence know that they fall in love with those who can’t love them back.
This probably sounds contradicting, but it’s true. When you need validation from others, you tend to fall in love with manipulators and narcissists. You want them to love and you’ll take what you can get.
This mindset leads you into a downward spiral. You want to be able to work through this, but you need that validation.
As long as you’re not able to value yourself, you won’t be able to get over your ex. You’ll want him to tell you that everything is going to be fine, but you need to say that to yourself.
Self-esteem issues put you in the position where you start blaming yourself and feeling like you aren’t good enough. You’ll end up believing that you pushed him away because you weren’t lovable enough.
You can’t believe that and expect to move on from your ex. You have to know that your value isn’t up for debate. It comes from within – not from the affirmations of a man.
2. You fear that this relationship was your last
You’re wondering why you can’t get over your ex, but you’re forgetting to consider your fears.
You’re so anxious about the idea of this being your last chance at love that you completely abandon your healing process.
When you have thoughts like these, you forget to take care of your own well-being. You thought that he was the one, so now that he’s gone, thoughts of being alone forever are frightening.
That’s what happens when you’re not able to love yourself and be happy by yourself.
When you think of a relationship as your last one, like the one relationship where you’ll be loved and cared for for the rest of your life, then you hold on to it for dear life.
You can’t just get over your ex because you want to. You also have to let go of the thought that you’ll never be loved again. Because you will.
There are so many amazing people out there in this world that you can’t just give up on love. If you do, the pain your ex’s absence is causing you will never disappear.
You have to let go of this idea and genuinely accept the fact that your soulmate is still waiting for you somewhere in this world.
Your broken heart will heal at the end of the day and you’ll realize that your thoughts were only poisoning you.
3. You blame yourself and your partner
Blaming others or yourself won’t help when trying to get over your ex. You need to be able to walk away from this and completely forgive each other.
I know that forgiveness usually needs to be earned, but you have to forgive someone for your own peace of mind.
When you hold onto that grudge that you feel towards him and aren’t able to fully give up on that animosity toward him, that’s precisely when you need to forgive him.
Hate is even a stronger emotion than love and you can’t move on if you’re still entertaining these feelings.
You hate yourself for the things you did that brought him to the point where he realized you weren’t the one for him. But you also hate him for leaving you and not giving you an opportunity to sort these things out.
He simply gave up on the relationship. But at the same time, you were the one who should have done better, right?
This unending blame game is ruining your chances of ever getting over this man.
When I asked myself why I can’t get over my ex, I quickly realized I was blaming myself and him to the point where I couldn’t stop the pain from reappearing every single time I thought that I was finally over him.
I’d go back to the hate and blame every single time and the pain only got worse. That blame and shame blinded me.
4. Your ex still contacts you
The no-contact period is extremely important after you’ve broken up with your ex. Your ex-partner needs to understand that you need that time to allow yourself to gather your thoughts.
When your ex doesn’t stop texting you or calling you, you have a hard time looking past what you had. He’s not even giving you enough time and space to think about everything that went on during the relationship.
I know that social media is like this comfort zone for everyone. We keep our accounts up and we don’t block our exes because we want to stay in contact with these people.
That’s everything but a smart idea. You need time away from him if you want to be able to move on from his toxic behavior and the impact he has on your poor broken heart.
The thing is, when he continues texting and calling, you start wanting your ex back.
You momentarily forget about all the awful things that happened and he makes you believe that he can change. He’s giving you enough attention right now that you actually believe he’ll give you something more than he did before.
You can’t get over your ex when he doesn’t let you forget about him. He won’t let you live through the pain and grief in peace. He’s just making things worse.
If you want to move on and get over him, make sure to block him everywhere. If he keeps finding ways to contact you, simply deactivate your accounts until you feel your whole self again.
You have to keep your mental health as your biggest priority!
5. Everything reminds you of him
During a relationship, a couple shares many things. They live together, eat the same food, visit the same places, and also have the same friends.
When everything around you has been touched by him or has a memory of him attached to it, then that makes it all the more difficult to get over him.
You might have lived together and sleeping in the same bed alone now feels like torture. When you go down the street to get your morning coffee, you remember all those mornings where you’d go with him.
Even some of your clothes still smell of him. His presence surrounds you, even though you know that he isn’t anywhere near you.
How much can one person endure before they start thinking of getting back to their ex instead of getting over them?
A lot of people hold on to little reminders and memories, but that’s the worst thing to do post-breakup. You can’t hold on to this man, you need to move on from him.
You need to start taking control over your own life. Change your daily habits and find a way to start a new life.
If you’re able to, find a way to move out of that apartment. Grab your cuppa elsewhere.
Tell your friends that you’re not able to meet up with them right now because they remind you of him too much. If they’re your real friends, they’ll completely understand.
Your loved one is in every corner of your life. It’s time to do some spring cleaning and get rid of the toxicity.
6. He was your be-all and end-all
There are too many people in this world who center their entire reality around their partner and their relationship.
Many codependent people tend to abandon their friendships and hobbies (if they even had any) to simply spend all of their time with their partner.
This is a very toxic situation to put yourself in. When all of your focus is on your partner from the very moment you start dating, then you’re not only going to have a harder time getting over them, but also you’ll be drained.
People like you put more effort into the relationship than their partner. The amount of time you spend wanting to please your partner is absolutely astounding.
When this happens, you completely abandon your entire social circle. So now that they’re gone and your partner’s left you, you have no support system. You have no one to turn to.
If you’re wondering why you can’t get over your ex, this is not always the most obvious reason. But here it is.
Have you ever felt like you put so much focus and love into your relationship that no one else was important?
If that’s truly the reason then you have to find something that sparks joy in you – something that has nothing to do with a man.
7. You’re depressed and anxious
Past traumas can lead to a lot of mental health issues. Most of the time, a certain family member is the reason for these traumas.
When you are taught to hate yourself and everything around you from a young age, your brain doesn’t automatically stop feeling like that when you’re an adult. And self-love isn’t something that you understand.
These issues lead you to overthink everything in your life. When you’re left to deal with things by yourself while keeping everything inside your head, it’s not easy to get over an ex.
You’re depressed, which means that some days you’re probably not even able to make it out of your room. You have an unhealthy relationship with everything in your life.
When you have these mental health problems, you’re not really going to move on that easily.
You’re probably limited to your own social media accounts and thoughts of how much you wanted him to be your significant other for the rest of your life.
This problem isn’t one that can be dealt with through journaling. You need professional help if you want to truly be able to get out of this toxic cycle your brain is in.
You’re your own biggest enemy in this right now.
8. You have an insecure attachment style
When you have an insecure attachment style, you’re constantly asking yourself if you’re able to meet all of your partner’s needs. You feel like your partner is constantly thinking about abandoning you.
The anxious attachment style is one of those that fall under the umbrella term of an insecure attachment style.
When you have this style of attachment, you are prone to getting extremely clingy and your need for validation completely overshadows everything else in your relationship.
So you can imagine when your one source of validation leaves how much of a mark it leaves on you.
There are many other attachment styles that you can research to see which one you have. If you do have one on the insecure side of the spectrum, you might want to consider it one of the reasons you can’t get over your ex.
Unless you work on this issue, you won’t be able to get over your ex that easily.
9. You’re afraid of abandonment
When someone doesn’t have a source of happiness outside of the relationship, they get a sense of abandonment. The problem is that your abandonment issues can pretty much make you a ticking time bomb.
People who struggle with this usually can’t let go of someone. Did you find yourself begging him not to leave you and to give you just another chance? Did he make you believe that you were nothing without him anyway?
When these things happen, you’re left bed-bound for months after the breakup. Being afraid of abandonment means that you’re not able to live without someone (or at least that’s what you believe).
When someone gives you one-word replies or even slight changes in tone when talking to you, you completely overanalyze it.
You’re so afraid of being left behind that you put twice as much effort into relationships than other people do. It’s easier for you to give your everything than to give someone any reason to leave you.
So when they do decide to – for the lack of a better word – abandon you, you can’t fathom how it why that’s happening.
You want to believe that it wasn’t your fault, but your brain can’t help but remember that one time you served him luke-warm coffee.
10. Not enough time has passed
Okay, so you can’t get over your ex. But let me ask you: How much time has passed since you two broke up? You can’t really expect yourself to move on and be fine in a matter of days or weeks.
There are many triggers for tears in your life right now. Everything is still very raw and you’ve yet to learn how you’re going to live without him.
This might sound brutal, but it’s vital. You’ve had a boyfriend for so long and now you don’t have him anymore. You don’t have a man to support you and be there for you.
So, now, you have to do all of these things by yourself.
You’re more than capable to do so! You just have to find it in you.
But remember, you can’t just do that overnight. You need to realize that healing takes time and no one can just wake up one morning and have their heart healed.
When some time passes, your wounds heal by themselves.
During that time taken to mend your broken heart, you’ll pick up new hobbies because now you have more time than you did before. You’ll meet new people and have so much fun reinventing yourself.
During this time, you’ll have so much to do that you won’t think of him. You’ll find yourself forgetting to think about him, as odd as that sounds.
You won’t feel the need to justify your life without him anymore because it’ll seem the most natural thing in this world.
11. You didn’t get closure
When you don’t get closure, it can be really hard to get over your ex. The last time I had to process why I can’t get over my ex, it was a constant battle between me and myself.
Sometimes, infidelity doesn’t leave you with closure. He cheated on you and all you do know is that he doesn’t want you in his life anymore.
He’s happy with someone else and you’re left to wonder if you’ll ever be happy enough. When you’re left to fight your own brain, you don’t always end up the winner.
You’re overthinking everything and it makes it hard for you to close that door and move on from him.
You might want to get over him and start a completely new life, but there are so many unanswered questions that you simply can’t get out of your head.
You’re thinking of contacting him and talking things through, but you know that the no-contact rule exists for a reason. So you’re only left to wonder by yourself in your dark room.
But perhaps you can find closure in just one day (maybe even in just one thought). When you realize that it’s over and that you obviously weren’t right for each other, you start realizing you’re just wasting your time.
You’re thinking of a man who obviously doesn’t deserve you, who obviously doesn’t care about you. So how come you don’t have closure?
Because that’s beyond him. He doesn’t understand the importance of it, nor does he respect you enough to give you the one thing you need to get over him.
So do you now understand? You had your closure all this time. He wasn’t worthy of you.