Left alone once. ‘‘I am fine.’‘ Twice. ‘‘It is going to be all right.” Ten more times. ”I can’t take it anymore.”
I’m going to build a wall so no one can hurt me again. Alone, in the castle of my fears and desires, I will find a way to make things work.
No one will be able to come in. This is my place of comfort. Don’t knock on my door as I will never let you in.
Then, you meet him. A perfect example of everything you’ve ever wished to have. It seems that he likes you. No way!
You don’t trust him. You’ve been hurt too many times to be sure that his feelings are genuine.
But wait, he wants to go out with you. It seems like he truly wants it. And he said that your eyes are beautiful, like a calming ocean after a storm.
Of course they are when you’ve been through thousands of storms. He said you are breathtaking. And smart. And that he wants you in his life.
He is lying. Those guys before had said the same words, and where are they now?
Far away, but their initials are still engraved on your heart as they left scars that will never heal.
”I will ignore this guy,” you say to yourself. ”He will forget about me in a month.”
Six months later, he is still trying to talk to you. ‘‘Why don’t you let me in? I won’t hurt you, I promise!’‘ he says.
Yeah, right. You won’t hurt me, you will just leave me hysterically sobbing on the floor as our memories pass through my head.
You will take a piece of my heart and add another row of bricks to the castle of my loneliness.
You will close the doors and never turn back, as my whole being will never be good enough for you.
I will cry, and suffer, and it will take me some time to pick up all of the broken pieces you shatter in front of my eyes.
You will leave, like everyone else before you did.
However, one question keeps popping up in my head. ”What if?”
What if you accept me the way I am? If you don’t try to change me and if you push me to be the best version of myself?
What if you start being honest with me, unlike all of the men before you? I’ve been lied to too many times. Don’t be another one to do it to me too.
What if you accept my personal space and give me my freedom?
I will sometimes need some time alone to collect my thoughts so please don’t try to help me then. I have my own battles that I need to fight alone.
What if you keep being patient with me? It can take a while but I will need you to stick with it.
I’ve been hurt too many times so some steps will need to be in slow motion in order for me to accept them.
Don’t push me when you see I’m not ready; it won’t help with anything. It can only make me run away from you in my well-known tower of sorrow.
What if you keep repeating how much you appreciate me? If you constantly make me feel loved and secured?
The words, ”You are enough,” ”You are beautiful’,’ ”Your mind is sharp,” and, ”Your courage is wonderful,” might become my talisman of happiness.
What if you make me truly believe that you will stick with me through thick and thin?
Will I be able to call you in the middle of the night, breaking to pieces?
Would you come and comfort me or would you ignore me like all the ones before you did?
So, dear Mr. I Trust You Enough To Let You In Even Though I’ve Been Hurt Before,
When I finally get the courage to unbuild the walls around me, piece by piece, amazing things will happen.
I will let my tower of loneliness turn into the castle of our freedom. I will give you my whole self because no one gave me their whole being before.
I was left devastated and alone so I know how much it hurts to be in a place like that. Because of it, I promise I will never hurt you.
You will never go to bed thinking that I don’t love you anymore because I know how it feels to wake up and hear the words, ”This is not going to work out.”
You will be my priority, as I’ve never been one to someone else. I won’t let you feel lonely, standing by my side, waiting for me to notice you.
You’ll always be somewhere in the back of my mind, even when I have a thousand other things to do.
Your happiness will be my goal, as I know how it feels to be sad and heartbroken with no one around.
I will make you laugh because I want to see your smile but I will never laugh at you, like they used to laugh at me before.
I will never forget to appreciate you, as I know how it feels to not be valued.
I know the battles that you could be going through. Trust me, I’ve been there. We will fight them together.
You will be my rock and I will be your quiet shelter.
I promise I will protect you from the harsh world on the outside, as I’ve never been protected before.
I know how it feels to force yourself to sleep because your dreams are nicer than your reality.
Just because I know how it feels, I will try to make your reality better than any dreams.
I will always communicate with you, as I know what it’s like to be shunned and emotionally ignored by the one who stands beside you.
More importantly, I will listen to you, as no one listened to me before.
I know what it feels like to be hurt by the people who make promises that they’ll never hurt you. I won’t let that happen to you too.
When you go through a number of battles and wars in your mind, you finally realize how hard it is to get to a place that is comfortable enough.
I will be your safe zone and I hope you will always be able to express yourself in my company.
We will laugh and cry but we will never stop fighting for each other. I don’t want to be destroyed anymore so I will make sure never to destroy you.
Trust me, if I let you in, I will give my whole self to make you feel loved and cherished.
I’ve been through hell and I know what it feels like so please, don’t make me regret my decision.
Standing here naked, in front of you, with you holding my heart in your hands, I beg you, ‘‘Please don’t hurt me like the others did!”
The wall is down, you can come in.