Can you imagine how heartbroken a woman has to be to forgive a man who wasn’t even sorry?
Forgive, but never forget. That’s what I used to tell myself whenever someone didn’t treat me right, but with him, it was different.
In the past, before I decided to forgive someone, they would apologize multiple times.
People would do me wrong and they had to go the extra mile or two to earn my forgiveness.
I never got that apology from him. I never even got as much as a sign that he knew that the things he did to me were wrong.
There’s a crack in my heart that will always ache, simply because I know that he was never sorry.
You must know what I’m talking about, at least to a certain extent. When you’re so hurt by a person, you have to let go of them or it’ll consume you.
When you meet someone special for the first time, you see the rest of your life flash before your eyes.
You’re happy that you’ve met them and your cheeks start hurting from the smile that keeps adorning your face.
I was never someone who fell in love easily. As a guarded woman, I knew that letting someone in meant granting them permission to hurt me.
This thought was anything but comforting. However, I really wanted to give him a chance.
Maybe that time, maybe that man, would love me properly.
I just needed to give him a chance because I was so tired of always keeping my walls up high.
He showed me from the very beginning that love shouldn’t be easy.
He told me that love and relationships are a lot of work, so he made me hustle for it.
I had to earn everything in that relationship. Every hug, every kiss, and every small sign of affection had to be earned.
Just imagine how exhausting it was. The very thought of it now makes me want to crawl into a tiny space because I’m ashamed of myself.
Why did I believe this man when he told me that love should feel like this? It shouldn’t have.
He ‘forgot’ that we had planned a date for that night.
As two busy adults living apart, you can imagine how hard it was for us to find time for each other.
But the problem was that I didn’t know that we should be each other’s priority until after we ended things.
When I called him that night, after waiting for him for an hour, I couldn’t even make a coherent sentence from all of the sobs.
“Why are you crying? It was just a date. I forgot! OK?”
His response did anything but calm me down and I actually thought that I was going crazy.
Why did I get so upset over something so trivial? There was no doubt in my mind that I should trust him.
No sentence should start with ‘the next time he hurt me’, but here we are.
The next time he hurt me (one of many) was when I decided to wear something special for him when we were going out with our friends.
I bought a new dress for that occasion and put on make-up for the first time in a while.
When I looked at myself in the mirror, I was proud of my reflection. I felt so good about myself that I almost shed a tear.
However, when he came to pick me up and saw me dressed like that, he accused me of cheating on him.
How that correlates, I don’t know to this day.
He said that I must have been dressing up like that for the attention of other men and that I looked like a clown with all that make-up.
You can imagine that I didn’t even need make-up wipes when my tears were enough to wash it all off.
At the time, I didn’t know it, but a man like that is nothing but toxic and manipulative.
A man like that doesn’t know how to love someone, he just knows how to own them.
Because of that, I spent nights crying myself to sleep.
The worst thing is that I still stayed by his side, even though he dodged my calls, didn’t reply to my texts, and used me for any sense of intimacy.
The only effort he put into the relationship was the effort to make me cry as often as he could.
I still stayed by his side because he made me believe that he was damaged and that he didn’t know how to love me in the right way.
He needed to be taught how to love, so I thought, why not try?
That was a big mistake, as you shouldn’t be the one to have to teach a man how to love you properly.
I learned that the hard way!
That decision wasn’t an easy one and it didn’t come overnight.
I just knew that if I didn’t leave right then and there, I would be stuck in that miserable relationship forever.
So I did. I left and when I told him that he was the problem, that he made me that miserable, he stared at me with a stoic expression.
“That sounds like a you problem. Why would I apologize for your messed up emotions?”
I broke down in tears at his words, but he just stared right back without changing his expression one bit.
Imagine having to forgive a man who wasn’t even sorry.
There was no way I could move on with my life if I held that grudge against him.
It was eating me from the inside. Every time something reminded me of him, the hate I felt almost choked me.
I was not only angry at him, but also at myself for allowing anyone to treat me like that!
On the other hand, I had to forgive him or I would never be able to be happy again.
He clouded my mind with hatred even if he wasn’t part of my life anymore.
It wasn’t a question of whether he deserved forgiveness. He obviously didn’t.
It was me who deserved a happy life and a clear mind. I was the one who deserved to love and be loved.
Going forth with that thought, I decided that I was going to forgive him. I couldn’t do it all at once, but I had all the time in the world.
Holding grudges just makes me miserable.
I will never forget what he did to me or how he made me feel but I forgive him and myself for ever experiencing that relationship.
He doesn’t deserve to cloud my mind anymore.
This is me, freeing myself from his grasp and loving myself fully. It just took forgiveness to get here.