I really didn’t want to do that. Somewhere in my mind, the idea just seemed too harsh.
The thought of blocking your number and blocking you on all my social media accounts was so painful. I just didn’t want to do it.
One of my friends would always tell me that you should block every ex the moment you break up.
She would yell at me whenever I would like your picture or reply to your text.
She said that I looked like a lost puppy if the message I received wasn’t from you.
The glimmer of hope that shimmered in my eyes at every notification would make her roll hers every single time.
I couldn’t help myself. There was that spark inside me that would ignite at the thought of you still loving me.
It wouldn’t have been such a big issue if you hadn’t done this to me one too many times.
You would leave, tell me that you could do better and I would let you. I would let you leave and come back to me whenever you pleased.
If you asked me to count how many times you texted me after leaving me on read, I wouldn’t even know. It happened too many times.
To everyone around, I seemed like a lost cause.
I seemed like someone who was desperate for you, someone who couldn’t live without you.
For the longest time, I would deny those accusations, just waving people away and telling them that they wouldn’t understand.
When my friends tried to open my eyes, I would push them away and call them all these horrible names.
They knew that I didn’t mean any of the things I said and somehow I also knew that they didn’t mean any harm.
However, how could I even think straight when my eyes were always focused on my phone? I was always waiting for you.
Because, you see, you always texted me in the end.
When I thought that things were over for good, you would text me out of nowhere and demand my attention.
As time went by, I thought that waiting for you was my only option.
You were a free spirit, that’s what you would say.
You didn’t want to tie yourself down or settle for one woman because you thought that you would get bored.
On the other hand, you told me that if you were to settle down, it would be with me.
That wasn’t a compliment, but back then, I thought that it was enough.
It was the biggest compliment I ever got from you.
However, even just the chase was so much fun. It was so addictive to play cat and mouse and to see who would break down into tears first.
Who could hurt the other first, that was our only motivation.
The day I blocked you wasn’t an unusual day.
I would love to say that there was a huge sign from the heavens or that there was closure in my heart.
The weirdest thing about that day was that I didn’t think it would ever happen.
Even after everything, I didn’t think I would take the last step and free myself from you.
You had once again disappeared out of my life and I was building myself up again.
Every time you would leave, there was a period when I would cry, but there was also a period when I was happy.
During that time, when I thought that I was actually going through a detox from our relationship, you texted me again.
This time, my heart didn’t skip a beat. It stopped.
I felt the way my breath hitched in my chest and the way my eyes couldn’t focus for a moment.
When I got control back over my body, I stared at the tedious text that would have taken me back to you before, too many times. This time, it didn’t.
My friend immediately knew that something was wrong. She didn’t even suspect that it was him who texted, because this time, I didn’t care.
The thought of going back to you disgusted me.
The moment this thought crossed my mind, I felt tears well up in my eyes. Since when did I have the power to resist you?
I wasn’t used to being strong enough to stay away from you.
There wasn’t a time before that when I wouldn’t have grabbed the opportunity to kiss you again.
Before this, whenever you would text me or call me, I would smile because of the nice memories I had of you.
This time, I wasn’t happy. I was sad.
I was sad because I knew how much pain and suffering this ‘relationship’ had caused me. How did I let that happen to myself?
So the day I blocked you was an eye-opening one.
I didn’t even bother to reply or explain my actions. You didn’t deserve that.
I blocked your number, I blocked you on every single social media account I had and that should have spoken volumes.
There isn’t much that I thought about at that particular moment. I just knew that I had to do better for myself.
You didn’t deserve all those chances I gave you. There were so many times when you could have done something to prevent this.
But you didn’t care. You never did.
I would be lying if I told you that I didn’t secretly hope that you’d find another way to contact me.
I hoped that you would put in the effort and try to find me again. For some reason, I believed that you cared enough.
There are still moments when I think of you, but the day I blocked you was the best day of my life.
After that, I began to smile genuinely. After that day, I began to laugh with my friends again.
This is the last time I will ever let you be a part of my narrative, because you don’t deserve to be mentioned again. I’m happy without you.
I have learned that loving myself is the most beautiful thing that I can ever do.
So here I am. I blocked you and it was the best gift I have ever given myself.