It’s hard to heal from someoneal who’s an ‘almost’.
You never know what might have happened in that relationship and you are here wondering if things could have gone better or worse.
I wonder if he thinks about it too. I highly doubt it, but my wishful thinking is was got me here in the first place.
I wished for more. Wished on shooting stars and dandelions that I would be enough for him at some point. There was nothing I wanted more.
When I met him, his words were captivating. His personality alluring. His touch seductive.
We stayed talking for hours and we never got tired of each other.
You see, I have always been very picky about the people that I surround myself with.
I really do love my life enough to not let someone mess around with it.
When we were supposed to go out on our first date, I was very guarded, not wanting him to see me fully.
I didn’t want him to think that I was desperate, so I tried to play it cool.
What shocked me was how easily he broke down my walls.
I laughed more than I had in a long time and opened up about my hopes and dreams.
We even talked about our failed past relationships and what we expect from our partner.
We talked about all the stuff that made me believe that we were heading in the right direction.
But after months of talking, going on dates and hooking up, there was no label on what we were.
“What are we?” I asked him one night when he was taking me home.
I felt my heart shatter at his response, not expecting it at all, but it also gave me hope.
“I don’t know. My feelings aren’t that strong, but they could be if you give me some time.”
Of course, he was the type of man to come from a long line of bad relationships, so I pretended to understand. I loved him at that point already.
I loved him and I wanted him to love me too, but I was ready to wait however long it took.
Looking back on it before, I felt ashamed of myself for being that desperate.
Now, I realize that it had nothing to do with desperation, but more with the fact that I really loved him and wanted to be with him.
He gave me all the signs that he was interested in me too.
We were constantly texting and video-chatting and I never had to question whether we were going to see each other or not, because he made it very obvious that he wanted to spend time with me.
That was what drained me, but I was so willing to wait for him to be ready for something serious that I would always hide the sadness.
Even months later when I told him that I wanted to make it official, he refused to listen to what I had to say.
You might be wondering why it was so important for me to make it official.
Well, you and I both know that actual relationships come with a lot more than just texts and dates and casual hookups.
They come with commitment and the ability to call someone yours, and you introduce them to your family and friends, etc.
I really wanted all of that, while he wanted everything a relationship entailed, but without the commitment.
Imagine his surprise when I ended things.
It was the best decision of my life.
I was lonely more often than not because just the thought that he might be out on a date with someone else smothered my poor heart.
I would pretend that I was OK with all of that out of fear of him breaking things off and leaving me.
Constantly trying to accommodate someone else’s wants and needs really took a toll on my own health and happiness.
You have to understand that me leaving wasn’t a decision I made overnight.
My friends would beg me to leave, try to convince me that it was toxic and not at all what I had signed up for.
My family saw how drained I was whenever they visited. They always made sure that I was doing all right, but I would lie straight to their faces.
No. I am not going back to that. I have to remind myself that I made the right decision.
My eyes hurt from all the crying, my heart shattered and my hands were shaking as I was telling him that I couldn’t do it anymore.
I silently pleaded for him to change his mind, to tell me that he only wanted me, that he didn’t want to lose me, but none of that happened.
He walked out of my life, just how he came into it. Like a hurricane.
The wounds are still healing, you see. Recovering from an almost-relationship is a process, with millions of what-ifs and maybes and daydreams about what could have happened.
It’s like you can’t recover and you’re even not sure what you’re recovering from. You just know that it hurts like hell.
The worst thing about it is knowing that he cared about you. He just didn’t care enough.
There are better and worse days. Sometimes I can’t get out of bed, and I lie there re-reading our text messages and looking at the pictures we took together.
Sometimes my finger hovers over his name in my contacts, because my brain convinces me that he would take me back if I just asked.
Other days, I know that he did NOT deserve me. I should have ended it a long time ago because I am worthy of so much more than he was able to give.
Today is one of those days.
I have built my life from nothing and to let a man who doesn’t even know how to appreciate me make me cry this much is just infuriating.
What gets me through all of this is the thought that there is someone out there who won’t make me feel like this.
There is someone out there who will love me and want to be mine forever, someone who won’t play games or shatter my heart like that.
That someone is worth the pieces I am picking up from my almost-relationship, because he will never let that happen again.
Until then, I am learning that I am enough.
I am learning that I wasn’t enough for him, but that doesn’t mean that I am anything less than worthy of love.
Being in an almost-relationship is just a lesson learned. It wasn’t wasted time.
When I look back on it right now, I know that I did suffer, I did cry my eyes out, but I came out stronger than ever.
I am picking up the pieces, one by one until I rebuild my trust in relationships again.
There will be a time when I might not even remember him, and the only sign of him ever being in my life will be in the broken pieces of myself that I had to glue back together.
I know that I gave him my all; my heart, my soul, my body. All I got in return was a broken heart.
So this is me now, healing slowly but surely, for the sake of one day being able to let myself be loved again.
Just the way I deserve.