You never thought you’d fall in love with your abuser, but here you are. You can’t seem to leave his sorry self, so it must be love, right?
What is it that grabs you by your throat so you’re unable to pronounce the words, “I’m leaving you”?
There’s something that has you unable to move like an anchor to a ship. You can’t grasp the fact that you can be around this person.
What’s even more unbelievable is how you even fell for him. How could you have been so blind to not see past dozens of red flags?
He’s all you and your friends were talking about when you need to steer clear of a guy. You feel like you’ve failed them and yourself.
Don’t beat yourself up about it – it’s okay. When you’re in love, you don’t hear the alarm bells going off in the distance.
All you can hear is his fake “I love you.” Abusers often have the power of manipulation on their side. You never knew those sweet words were filled with poison all along.
Don’t bother to blame yourself for how you got into this situation. But if you really want to know, here are some of the ways he managed to get under your skin.
1. He was subtle
Abusers don’t show their true faces right off the bat. When you first meet, you’re so caught up in the butterfly feelings that you don’t notice any of the possible red flags.
At first, he’ll act normal and not show his sick tendencies. On the contrary, your abuser probably made you think he’s your safe place and someone you can count on.
It’s his way of setting the foundations so you don’t leave him later when you discover his true self. He’s subtle in conducting his evil plan, so once you get caught, it’s too late.
Falling in love with your abuser is like a spider spinning a web of lies around you. If you get stuck in it, there’s no breaking free. He does all of this while you’re still under the first impression.
This way, he has more time to gain your trust. You didn’t suspect anything of him at first. He showed no ill intentions and you might’ve even thought of him as your soulmate.
2. He was convincing
Most abusers are master manipulators. Their strong communication skills are one of the tools they use to play with a person’s mind.
When you think about it, you didn’t fall for him, you fell for his words. His cunning ways lured you in and you were none the wiser.
It’s like you’ve been in a trance and you’re only waking up from it now. A manipulator has his way of getting what he desires, which is often followed by a strong will.
Therefore, he’ll go all the way to get what he wants – and in this case, it’s you. Perhaps he professed his love for you and assured you that you two were meant to be together.
You simply couldn’t resist his sweet talk and all of the love bombing. He told you how you deserved everything and you do. But not from him.
3. He was remorseful
When the abuse started, you were shocked, to say the least. You couldn’t have ever expected him to put you through something like this. You were in love with your abuser and you thought he loved you back.
The person you trusted the most turned out to be completely someone else. You don’t even recognize him, yet he manages to make excuses.
He’d always say how he’s sorry for what he’s done or that he’d never done that before. Also, he acted like he was in a daze, not knowing what just happened.
You’re confused and hurt, which makes it harder for you to make the right call. This leaves him more time to apologize for his behavior.
Actions speak louder than words, and you soon find out he didn’t mean what he said. The cycle repeats itself, and before you know it, he’s always sorry.
4. He promised to change
One of the biggest lies he told you is that he’d change for the better. Somehow, you always ended up believing him because you did it so far.
Furthermore, he made you distance yourself from others. That’s another way for him to prevent you from leaving him.
You don’t have anyone else to support you and he seems to be the only one who takes care of you. It doesn’t feel like the right choice, but you decide to trust him one more time.
After that, things seem to be improving and you’re given false hope – until it happens again. The cycle still keeps repeating itself and every time you’re left with the hope that he’ll actually fulfill his promise.
However, you didn’t know that these promises were made to be broken. In fact, they were meaningless to him and only made more room to continue with his toxic behavior.
5. He lied
You probably figured it out by now, but he lied about everything. He tricked you into the relationship, telling you how you’re the only one for him and he’d never hurt you.
Perhaps he knew of your previous failed relationships and used it to his advantage. He offered you a new experience and you were looking forward to it.
However, as time progressed, you realized the truth was nowhere near the picture he painted. It took you a while to realize that you were being toyed with because of his promises and convincing ways.
He’s lied so many times, you don’t know when he’s actually telling the truth. You fell in love with your abuser because he pretended to be someone he’s not.
All of this abuse you’re receiving wears you out but you can’t seem to let go. You’re isolated from the rest of the world and you don’t know how to seek help.
These lies have created a completely new perspective on how you view others. You shut down and won’t let anyone come near you. This only leaves him, your abuser, as a constant in your life.