If you’ve ever fallen for an emotionally unavailable man, you know all too well of the torture I’m talking about. That moment you decide to give him all of your love, but also the one where he decides to reject you since he’s not ready for a relationship.
I’d go all in and give him my whole heart, while he wasn’t even capable of calling me his.
He would share with me a few days of his life and that was it. After that, he’d be gone. They’d all be…
As time went by, I kept dating other guys but somehow, I always ended up attracted to emotionally unavailable men. In a bar full of guys who were ready to hold my hand and wait for me at the end of the aisle, I always somehow picked those who could never fully commit.
My selection of men looked something like this: The one who’s still not over his ex, a narcissist who doesn’t even know what love is, and the one who thinks that one-night stands are fun and has no intention of calling me afterward.
When I finally thought that I met a normal guy who could love me the right way, it again turned out that he, too, was emotionally unavailable and had no intention of being in a relationship with me.
So, crying all alone in my room, I called up my friend as I desperately needed someone to talk to. I told her that I’d been dumped, again. (If you can even call it a breakup since we were never in an actual relationship.)
That’s when she spoke those words that changed my entire life. It hurt more than anything I’d ever heard, but at the same time, it was the most perfect resolution to all my problems.
“I hate to say this, but as your best friend, I must warn you that you’re willingly putting yourself through these agonizing experiences. Don’t you think that the reason you keep falling for emotionally unavailable men is only that you actually don’t want to be in a relationship?”
I kept quiet and hung up the phone. Not because I was mad at her for what she said. Instead, it was because I knew she was right.
How did I not ever think about this before? Why didn’t it ever cross my mind that I was the main cause of the pain I always ended up going through?
Before she told me those words, I always blamed men for the way they treated me. I thought that today’s generation of men was ruined as all of them feared relationships like the plague.
But there I was, throwing myself into the hands of the first guy who’d walk by, never even wondering if he was the kind of person I want to spend the rest of my life with.
And do you know why I never thought about it? Well, the tragic truth is that I never even expected any of those guys to be my forever. I never wanted them to stay by my side till the end of time since I wasn’t capable of living a life like that.
I was emotionally unavailable myself. It sounds impossible, but deep down, I knew it to be true.
Every time I met a guy, I never even gave him enough time to get to know me. I never asked myself if he was the kind of person I could be in a relationship with.
I simply threw myself under the bus and let him break my heart voluntarily. Even though I knew that he’d be gone in a flash, I still wanted to go down that road.
That’s why I ended up roaming from one guy to another because I couldn’t imagine myself being in an actual relationship. I had so many unsolvable issues from my past that I wasn’t capable of committing my heart to anyone.
For God’s sake, I wasn’t capable of being real with myself. How could I then expect to be real with others?
So, instead of finally finding someone to walk through life hand in hand, I kept choosing those I knew wouldn’t stay. I was looking for those who were the same as me – those afraid of falling in love.
My fragile heart was scared to let anyone in since I was too weak to deal with the pain of heartbreak. It seemed far easier to deal with the pain of a love that could never last since I myself was the type of person who didn’t know how to be in love.
Subconsciously, I was making my own life harder because I had no idea how to face my fears. But instead of being honest with myself, I kept blaming others for my situation.
They say that human beings always have explanations for their choices and put the blame on everyone else. I guess they’re right.
Every time I chose to chase after emotionally unavailable men, I knew that I could easily blame them for leaving me. I would simply make them the bad guys while my character would remain intact.
But this game had to come to an end. At one point, someone had to see through my moves, and eventually, my friend did.
She alerted me to the mistakes I was making. She opened my eyes and told me frankly that I was doing harm to myself.
From that point on, my chase for emotionally unavailable men stopped. I realized that I couldn’t forever keep running away from my own happiness.
I couldn’t keep sabotaging myself only because I wasn’t ready for a relationship.
The truth was heart-rending as it made me realize how many times I willingly did myself an injustice. It made me realize how many times I stood in the way of my own happiness only because I was afraid of having my heart broken.
That’s why I chose to let myself experience those tiny cracks of my heart as I wasn’t ready to have it completely destroyed.
But if only I knew before that letting someone cross the wall you built to protect yourself doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll end up suffering. It doesn’t automatically mean you’ll have your heart broken.
Honestly, I brought more damage upon myself by unconsciously falling for emotionally unavailable men than I would by letting the right person in.
So, if you’re the kind of girl who’s doing the same as I was, I want you to know that you can change your own destiny. Admit to yourself that you’re a part of the problem and finally let yourself experience real love.
Even if it breaks your heart, you’ll at least know that, for the first time, it wasn’t you who sabotaged the relationship.