It isn’t a foreign concept, the fact that we fall in love with people who aren’t any good for us.
We can love a toxic person with our entire heart, even though we know we shouldn’t.
The twisted games we play with these people are sometimes enjoyable because we end up hurting each other and watching carefully to see who will fall apart first.
We listen closely to every word they say and we plan out our own attacks, just to see who’ll let up first.
To see who’ll be the first one to apologize and beg the other to come back.
Games like these can be played for months, years, decades even.
My friend once told me that she never would have imagined me being in a relationship as toxic as this one.
“I’m just surprised you’d let someone treat you like that,” she said, after hearing my new adventurous story that involved yet another fight.
I wasn’t able to retort by telling her that I was going to break up with him, leave him, and move on.
I knew that when the time would come and one of us apologized, I would feel so content in his arms again.
The scary truth was that I loved a toxic person who simply wasn’t able to give me the love I deserved, but I couldn’t walk away.
We love toxic people because we don’t think that we deserve better.
We define love by how many times we can fight and then forgive each other.
Relationships are a lot of work, right? That’s what everyone kept on telling me as I was growing up, so I believed that this was it.
The problem was that I expected that type of behavior and poor treatment from everyone around me.
I only trusted myself. It wasn’t independence but rather the fear of being vulnerable in front of other people.
I couldn’t let people see the real me and I couldn’t love them, because he taught me that if I let my guard down for just one moment, I would be left with a broken heart.
The truth is, he knew me better than anyone.
We spent so much time together, either arguing or just existing next to each other, that he knew how to push all the right buttons.
He knew me so well, so every time he left, he took another part of me with him; another secret, another glimpse of love and hope.
I was his and he hadn’t even done anything to deserve me.
I believed in the potential he had.
There were times when he was sweet.
For example, when he called me to ask through sobs for me to come back, or the way he held me after time spent apart.
There were even times when he made me smile so brightly that I believed no one could ever make me feel that happy.
Why do we love toxic people?
I loved him even at his worst, even when I woke up in the morning with all his stuff gone, even when he said things to me that I wouldn’t have said to my worst enemy.
I loved him through all of that and I just wished and hoped that one day it would be different.
There wasn’t a time when I doubted my love for him.
I doubted his love for me, I doubted whether it was the right choice to be with him, but I still loved him.
Through all of that, the idea of him was like a drug that I couldn’t get away from.
He said and did everything right to compensate for the things he did wrong.
They say that actions speak louder than words, but how can that be true when love was oozing from every word he spoke?
Good guys seemed unreachable or like they were hiding something.
When I met a nice man, I would be completely thrown by his demeanor, and I would question his intentions from the very get-go.
Why was he being so nice to me? Did I even deserve to be treated like that?
So in the end I, sabotaged those relationships too.
They seemed so unnatural and the anxiety I felt when I was treated right was too much for me to handle.
That’s what led me to go back to what I knew best. Him.
He taught me that my best was never going to be good enough.
He taught me that swallowing my pride and all the respect I had for myself was the only way to be loved.
No one could love me if I didn’t do what was asked of me, even if it hurt me in the process.
There was always that thrill that came with this awful relationship.
There was a feeling of security in the pain he caused and the comfort I felt whenever he called or texted me again, or showed up on my doorstep, was indescribable.
I wanted him to always come back to me because fighting for a relationship like this is euphoric.
You might think I’m crazy, but it gave me so much comfort to know that he would always return to me, just like I would always return to him.
The scary truth is that loving a toxic person will only make us more miserable.
Broken promises, insults, bickering, and fights – that’s all it is, and there are no hidden romantic feelings behind that.
We love toxic people and it’s an unhealthy addiction like any other. And like any other, it slowly destroys you.
Everything you know about yourself will vanish.
The dreams you have of a happy life and the promises you make to yourself will only break you over time, more and more.
A relationship as toxic as this isn’t going to help anyone and your dreams will be forgotten.
The longer you stay in this relationship, the harder it’ll be to leave.
If you find it in you to leave a toxic relationship, you will be all right. You just need to try hard to acknowledge that there is someone better out there.
One day, we’ll both see that the world will get its colors back.
We’ll block their numbers, we’ll stop responding to their texts and the smiles on our faces will be genuine.
You and I will thrive.
And them? Those toxic partners who we oh so adore right now? They will continue to be miserable.
You and I will be all right.