When you confuse a lesson for a soulmate, you guard your heart afterward like it’s holy. Like it can never again bear that much pain.
We all go through life loving. We get hurt, we get left by the person we thought of as the one and our emotions are all over the place.
I always knew that loving someone meant that if they ever hurt me, I would inevitably forgive them or cry myself to sleep for the rest of my days.
There would be pain and I would be shattered.
I knew this and still, I wasn’t prepared for when he hurt me and manipulated me.
There was nothing in this world that could have prepared me for that immense pain.
At one point in my life, everyone around me was getting married.
That made me extremely conscious of the fact that I was the only one who hadn’t settled down yet.
Was there something wrong with me? All of my friends had a ring on their finger, but I didn’t even have someone to text at night.
They would console me, tell me that the one was somewhere out there, waiting for me to enter his life.
You can imagine how that didn’t help one bit when it came to the anxiety that came with being single.
What if I never found someone who would love me and treat me right?
What if I don’t have a soulmate?
Everyone was talking about soulmates and how, for one reason or another, they believed that their significant other was theirs.
It made my anxiety stick in my throat and I couldn’t swallow around it.
I would give myself these long, self-motivational speeches every time before I left the house.
However, they didn’t do much to make me feel better about myself.
They would just silence my fears for a little while.
It was like the universe heard my inner turmoil and it led me right into the arms of the man I thought of as my soulmate.
He came into my life like a train wreck. Not only did I fall head over heels for him, I actually imagined how I would spend eternity with him.
He was charming, considerate, loving, and caring. How can a woman not fall for a man with these qualities?
We met through a friend who thought that it was time for her to take matters into her own hands and introduce me to someone.
Of course, I was the biggest skeptic out there. How those blind dates even got a happy ending was beyond me.
Once we started talking and I got to know him, everything seemed to fall into place.
We shared the same interests and there was so much chemistry between us from the very first date.
He would always text me first, he would call me throughout the day to ensure that I was okay, and he always came to pick me up before our dates.
This was the dream, right? Every woman wanted a man who didn’t need to be taught how to treat a woman right.
There wasn’t anything he could do to make me walk away from him because I loved him that much.
When our first fight came into play, I actually didn’t feel scared about him leaving me because I thought that we were soulmates.
Every fight would end with me apologizing.
I thought that it made me the bigger person, I thought that it was a sign that I cared about him and that I was working on our relationship.
Now I understand why to many of my friends, that seemed like desperation.
They couldn’t understand how I could let so many ‘mistakes’ go and move on from them like they were nothing.
Meanwhile, we constantly fought and doubt crawled under my skin to sting me whenever he touched me.
Would you believe me if I told you that I didn’t see any of the red flags until years later?
Once I started to see things clearly, we were already years into a relationship and by this time, I was watching my friends get pregnant.
That didn’t matter as much to me anymore, because I couldn’t imagine myself starting a family with this man, not when he presented his jealousy as love.
There was no way this man was being truthful when he said that he would check my phone and all my messages just to make sure I was being loyal.
I actually thought that I hadn’t heard correctly when he demanded I stopped talking to my male co-workers, my friends (male and female alike), and my family.
He isolated me from everyone, with the excuse that they were a bad influence on me.
For a moment, I even believed him because his twisted mind found ways to convince me.
When did I draw the line? Not soon enough.
I let him convince me that I was crazy for finding flaws in him. In his eyes, he could never do anything wrong.
For him, I was the one and only problem of this relationship and that is exactly why he would find ways to punish me.
His punishments included the silent treatment, emotional and mental abuse, or even hiding my phone from me.
I may be ashamed of myself right now for ever allowing that to happen, but those who have never had an encounter with a narcissist won’t understand what I went through.
I would always look at him with admiration in my eyes. However, I could feel when a shift happened, when something shifted inside me.
My eyes opened to the truth too far down the path of heartbreak.
I felt my heart break, but not because of him. My heart was breaking for myself when I realized how little I cherished myself.
I confused a lesson for a soulmate. I actually thought that we were meant to be together because the universe wanted it so.
My lessons came one by one, as I started to understand what was actually going on.
The first one I understood is to never settle for less than you deserve.
You and I both deserve to have someone who won’t just show us a little kindness when they meet us.
We deserve someone who will be consistent and never forget how important that is.
The second lesson is to listen to my friends when they tell me that something doesn’t seem right.
I loved this man so much that I would shut down any criticism anyone had about him.
Whenever they told me that his behavior was bad, I would brush it off.
The third lesson is that you can’t speed things up. No matter how hard you try, you can’t hurry the process of falling in love.
I wanted to be in love so badly that I fell in love with a warning sign.
One after the other, I realized the lessons that I learned from this heartbreaking experience.
Somehow I get it and I understand that to move on with my life, I needed to experience this.
It has been a while since I walked away from this man and his hurtful methods. It wasn’t the easiest thing to do.
Nonetheless, I made my way out of that relationship and I made sure to block him on every single social media platform there is.
He didn’t deserve to know my whereabouts. He deserved to learn his lesson too.
There were many things he needed to learn. Even if he did believe that I was his soulmate, he knew that this was going to come to an end.
He had to. It made it easier for me to believe that he didn’t want to be in this relationship just as much I didn’t.
We’re both such different people right now. At least, I know that I am.
A relationship like that leaves its bruises and the lessons keep on piling up.
The light in my eyes is dimmer and I have realized that my own company is my favorite one.
I don’t need a man to make me feel good about myself anymore. I just need myself.
That was probably the best lesson I learned from this encounter. I didn’t need someone else to fill that void next to me.
I would fill it by myself and with the appreciation I had in my own heart.
He’s just a distant memory right now that still burns from time to time.
The memories come back in flashes, like when you’re trying to remember a trauma.
It’s fine. I know that I’ll be fine with or without a soulmate.
But the thought that there is someone out there for all of us keeps me going. If I ever meet him, I will use all the lessons I’ve learned to remember that love should never hurt.