The second you find out that your boyfriend is still talking to his ex while in a relationship with you, it can feel like he stabbed you right in the back.
And even if he admitted that he’s still talking to her, you’re wondering what in the world could they be talking about?
Let’s be honest, there’s no reason why anyone should talk to their ex after a breakup.
But for some reason, people sometimes maintain that connection even while they’re with someone new.
However, the second he mentions his ex, an alarm bell rings in your head and you start to wonder whether he still has some feelings for her.
Your mind is playing tricks on you and replaying all the stories you heard about cheating boyfriends.
However, before you lose your mind thinking that he doesn’t love you, just take a deep breath and slow down.
You know, you can’t think straight when you lose your cool.
As you know already, all breakups are dramatic. It’s difficult to understand how you can be friends with someone who broke your heart and with whom you were once romantically involved.
Believe it or not, there’s a possibility that your boyfriend and his ex remained friends after the breakup and there are no romantic feelings involved.
That’s why I said to not lose your cool and break up with him as you might regret it later.
But is it normal for your boyfriend to still be talking to an ex while he’s in a relationship with you?
The short answer is no. It’s rather uncommon for people to stay in touch with their ex, even in an era where everything is one fingertip away.
However, before you start questioning whether or not he’s being loyal to you, try thinking about certain things, like:
- Did they have a long-term relationship?
- How did they break up?
- Who initiated the conversation?
- Who broke up with whom?
- What was the cause of their breakup?
You shouldn’t be as alarmed if he recently started talking to his ex and they’re just catching up.
However, there’s a huge difference between catching up with your ex from time to time and texting each other every minute of every day.
If you’re still worried about the former, then maybe you should think about whether or not your insecurities are kicking in, but the latter should definitely be regarded as a red flag.
It’s very easy to think that your boyfriend’s cheating on you or is having an emotional affair, especially if your relationship is going through some ups and downs.
Your mind keeps playing tricks on you, telling you that he doesn’t want you and he’s only waiting to get back with his ex.
Or maybe he’s just seeking emotional support from a person who knows him very well.
He might have a hard time opening up to you, and I know it’s the wrong thing to do, but hey, men act weird sometimes.
There are a lot of possibilities out there.
Keep in mind that just because you don’t personally text your ex, it doesn’t mean that your boyfriend should do the same.
Talking to an ex while in a relationship happens quite frequently, but the intention may vary.
So, what could possibly be the reason why he’s talking to an ex while in a relationship with you?
Well, it’s not always the case that the boyfriend is the one to blame. Maybe she still likes your boyfriend.
Maybe she’s the one who can’t let go of the past and he’s simply too blind to see it.
He’s focused on you and your relationship and doesn’t seem to comprehend what’s going on around him.
She’s just a girl who merely wants her ex back to try and rekindle the old flame and even though she’s aware that he’s moved on from her, she shows signs that she still has feelings for him.
Maybe she called your boyfriend to return his hoodie months after they broke up.
However, if this is the case then your boyfriend needs to wake up and stand up to her.
He has to be the one who breaks off all contact and says that it’s over.
However, the reason why he’s talking to an ex while in a relationship with you might be because he’s not over her.
It may be the classic case of jumping from one relationship to another without giving himself time to heal before starting a new one.
If you don’t think this is okay, I agree with you; it’s not okay and it’s not fair for you to experience this, but it does happen.
If you’re unsure about whether he’s still into her or not, then ask how recent the breakup was and try to find out the reasons why they parted ways.
Another reason why they’re talking might be that your boyfriend has a hard time getting out of his comfort zone.
This likely means that the breakup was quite recent and maybe their relationship lasted years.
It also shows that he’s still comfortable with her, which makes it hard to let go.
Last but not least, perhaps they really are just friends.
It’s hard to believe, but sometimes the reason why he’s talking to an ex while in a relationship with you may be because they’re friends.
Maybe they’ve been broken up for a while. If that’s the case, you don’t have to worry.
Why? Because they gave themselves time to heal and they became friends afterward.
There’s a fair chance that there’s no deception going on. However, my best advice for you is to trust your gut and pay attention to his actions.
It’s possible for a guy and a girl to have a perfectly normal relationship and have no romantic feelings for each other.
Before jumping to any conclusions, ask yourself this: How often does he contact his ex?
Is your boyfriend talking to his ex every single day or are they just chatting once a month to catch up?
If you don’t know the answer to this question, don’t worry and you shouldn’t investigate his phone at odd hours either.
On the other hand, if you do know how often the two of them talk to each other, you should think about it.
If they talk for hours on end, you should definitely be concerned because this is a sign of disrespect to you.
And if it’s less than a couple of times a month, then they’re just catching up.
Also, see how that affects your communication with him.
Does he talk to his ex so much that you aren’t able to have a decent conversation with him anymore?
Keep this in mind while you consider the rest of the situation. You don’t need to take any action yet.
Also, bear in mind whether he’s being honest about him talking to his ex, and if he’s openly talking about it with you.
Does he tell you about the things they talk about or does he invite you to hang out with them?
If the answer is yes, then that’s great! He has nothing to lie about and you can trust him when he says that they’re just friends.
This should lower the level of concern you have about this particular situation.
On the other hand, it could be that he’s hiding things from you and if so, you should look for signs such as him not telling you where he’s going or if he tries to hide his phone from you.
You should be able to tell pretty quickly when he’s hiding some secrets from you because you know your man and you know how he behaves.
How honest your boyfriend is with you in these circumstances will tell you a lot about his intentions.
It’s a huge red flag if he tries to keep this a secret from you.
You might still be wondering how to tackle the situation when your boyfriend is still in touch with an ex.
Here’s what you can do when your boyfriend is talking to an ex while in a relationship with you:
1. Do a little self-analysis first
As I said before, don’t jump to any conclusions, take a deep breath, and try to keep your cool. It’s difficult to do so, but you have to.
Ask yourself whether you’re the jealous type of girlfriend who doesn’t trust any of her boyfriends.
Maybe one of your exes told you that you were the jealous type, but you didn’t take him seriously.
Well, the truth is that every one of us is jealous sometimes but some people simply have trust issues due to bad experiences in their previous relationships.
Maybe you’re one of them?
Before you go all out and sit down with him to have a conversation about his ex, try to do a little self-analysis.
Maybe he’s only spoken to her once or twice and you’re already freaking out because you think he cheated on you.
I’m not defending him and saying that he didn’t, but you have to keep calm and think with your head and not your heart.
Trust is a crucial factor in every relationship. Try to build it up before confronting him.
It may be the case that you have trust issues and that’s all.
In that case, your boyfriend needs to step up his game and make sure you know you can trust him.
2. Have an honest conversation with your boyfriend
To have a healthy relationship means to share everything with your partner and not keep any secrets from each other.
If him talking to an ex while in a relationship with you gets on your nerves, then talk about it.
Try to have an honest conversation and see how he reacts to it. Say that you want to speak about it and let it all out.
Tell him how him talking to his ex is making you feel insecure and demand to know what’s happening between them.
The conversation needs to be honest because without that, your relationship won’t work.
You need to feel secure with him and you need to know that you can talk to him about everything.
Insist on truthful answers and tell him not to withhold anything.
However, you shouldn’t do this via phone.
It’s better to have a face-to-face conversation about things like this because you can see his non-verbal reactions, which can tell you a lot about whether he’s hiding something from you or not.
I know that this is a tricky situation, but you have to be open and honest about your feelings. Let him know you’re concerned.
You should tell him that you love him so that he knows how much you care about him and this situation.
If you want to have a sincere conversation then you have to listen to what he has to say to you.
Don’t be the one who does all the talking while the other person stands there waiting to say a thing or two.
3. Try to keep your cool
Remember what the purpose behind your conversation is. Don’t just talk for hours about the different problems you have in your relationship.
Even though you clearly have different issues in your relationship, try to refrain from linking them to this particular situation.
Try to keep your cool and remember, you initiated the conversation because you wanted to find out why he’s still talking to his ex.
You can try to make him see the whole situation from your point of view, but don’t accuse him of something that he may not have done.
If you don’t have any evidence, don’t just say that he’s cheating on you.
Ask to meet his ex (if you really don’t trust him).
If he said that she was just a friend of his, then he shouldn’t have a problem introducing you to her, right?
It’s normal to think that this would be an awkward situation, but who cares.
He brought you into this state of affairs and he was the one who made you feel insecure.
If he’s still seeing his ex behind your back, then he’ll feel too guilty to introduce you to her and he won’t allow you to hang out together.
On top of that, he’ll be nervous that you even found out he was still talking to an ex while in a relationship with you.
On the other hand, if you do get the chance to meet his ex, pay attention to how she acts. Is she nervous? Is she a bit touchy-feely with him?
If the answer is yes to either, then you have a problem and you should confront him about it.
If you see that she’s still not over him, you can give him a heads-up. As I said before, it’s not always the guy’s fault.
Don’t be afraid to let it all out and tell him you’re uncomfortable with the idea of him talking to a girl who clearly still wants him.
4. Observe how he responds
If you don’t get to meet his ex, then that’s okay.
You can still find out the nature of their relationship from the way he reacts when you openly talk about it.
This particular topic of exes is a tricky one. A partner who truly cares about you will comfort you when you freely talk to them about your insecurities.
He won’t try to manipulate the situation. Instead, he’ll listen and address those issues.
If he’s being dismissive without taking a second to think how you feel about it, then this could be a huge red flag.
From there onward, the situation will only get worse and you’ll definitely have an argument.
On the other hand, if he listens to you and tries to explain how things really are, then you know he’s being honest with you.
He wants to clarify things and ensure that you don’t doubt him and he’ll try to make your insecurities go away.
5. Talk openly about your relationship
If you’re going through a rough patch, you may think that your boyfriend is trying to fulfill his needs elsewhere.
Ask yourself whether your unstable relationship is the reason why he still talks to his ex or whether there’s another cause.
Maybe he’s looking for an emotional connection elsewhere because you can’t satisfy his emotional needs.
Try to focus on your relationship and see what the cause of your problem seems to be.
Maybe his ex isn’t the source of your problems at all. Perhaps you’re just being insecure and you need him to affirm that he still loves you.
Don’t let the situation escalate into an argument. Try to keep a cool head, do your best to think straight, and don’t let your emotions govern your actions.
It might seem impossible to do so, but you have to try for the sake of your relationship.
6. Listen to what he has to say
When jealousy hits, it can be difficult to take things out of context but you have to give him a chance to explain his own point of view.
Don’t rush to any conclusions. If the tables were turned, wouldn’t you want him to hear what you have to say?
In the heat of the moment, you might not be thinking clearly, but remember the goal is to find out why he’s still talking to his ex.
If you don’t give him an opportunity to speak, then how can you expect to find out the reason?
7. Do a bit of investigating
What do I mean by investigating?
I’m certainly not referring to you acting as a spy and following him wherever he goes; I mean follow him on social media.
Try to find out what he has liked or commented on, or what his ex shared on her stories.
If he overindulges in her social media, then something is wrong and you need to talk to him about it.
Maybe they’re replying to each other’s comments in a weird way that you don’t understand? If they are, then openly ask him about it.
If he’s stalking his ex on social media, then there’s a high chance he still has feelings for her.
8. Set boundaries
After the two of you work out the details of this situation, it’s always good to set some rules or boundaries.
You shouldn’t view them as strict rules that you have to follow because you’ll take all of the fun out of your relationship.
They’re there to keep the trust strong and that’s all.
It’s important to come up with them together with your partner as it would be unfair to your partner to not include him.
Maybe you’ll agree that you’re going to be open with each other about who you’re talking to.
There are different rules that you can come up with and it’s important that they serve your purpose.
Focus on fixing the problem and avoid seeming too controlling.
At the end of the day, you can’t make him stop talking to his ex. You can’t forbid anyone from doing something.
Essentially, there are two possible solutions and they are:
Either he’s talking to his ex and they might get back together again or he’s talking to his ex and there’s no way they’ll rekindle their relationship.
You have to bear in mind that he has control over this and not you.
You can’t make him stay if he doesn’t truly love you, the only thing you can control is whether or not you can tolerate this.
If you forbid him from talking to his ex, you can cause a countereffect and make him want her (or want her even more).
Either way, you’ll be fighting a losing battle.
What’s the point of being in a relationship with a guy whom you can’t trust and who doesn’t care about how you feel?
Remember, you deserve to be happy and not worry about whether your partner’s going to cheat on you or not.
Make sure your happiness comes first, no matter what. And if he doesn’t want you, then it’s his loss!