I was always a firm believer that there was a path for all of us. God led us to the people we needed on our journey to a happier life.
Those were always my thoughts and there wasn’t a moment when I doubted it.
I was the type of person who you could always count on to love and appreciate everyone.
Those were the people God put on my path, so I put a lot of effort into those relationships.
Then you came along and I was sure that finally, my soulmate had arrived and I could get that same love that I was giving in return.
To say that I was excited would be an understatement. I was more than ready to spend the rest of my life with you.
Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t a delusional woman who thought that any guy who came into my life would stay forever.
You were simply different. You were the type of man who drew people to him and everyone thought of us as the perfect match.
I could see why. They saw the way you always made me smile with the simplest gestures.
Those people weren’t blind to our happiness and neither was I.
When you came into my life, I was in a very dark place.
I was so overwhelmed with life itself.
There were times when I doubted whether I was on the right path and whether there was anything I could do to make myself happier.
I was a girl, lost in her own head, shaking from the fear she felt in her heart that the sadness would never disappear.
All of my faith was in God back then. I hoped that the right path would show itself at some point and that my heart would stop aching.
You see, I went through a lot back then.
My family was in trouble, I went through a horrible breakup and I simply didn’t want to hear any more bad news.
There was a voice in me that said that I didn’t have to wait much longer.
That’s when you came along and I thought that all of my prayers had finally been heard.
I called it divine intervention.
You made me think that there were happier days waiting for me and you were very often the reason for them!
After I met you, I was so extremely thankful. There wasn’t a moment when I wouldn’t praise the Lord for crossing my path with yours.
My friends told me that I was thriving. The darkness disappeared and it was replaced by the pure love I felt for you.
That’s why I’m wondering now: Why does it hurt so bad?
For such a long time, I wondered whether I was good enough for you. Because it must have been that I wasn’t!
It must have been that I was too much, not enough, or that you never loved me anyway.
What else could it have been?
I spent hours talking to you about your issues, but when I tried to tell you mine, you dismissed them.
You told me that I was too dramatic and that I was making a fuss.
I waited for you to come home to me after a night out with your friends, just to listen to you complain about how boring I was for not having a life of my own.
What you didn’t know is that I had a life that you never saw.
I have always had a stable group of friends, my family was always by my side, and I had a long list of hobbies that I enjoyed.
Your problem was that you never saw any of that. You saw the effort I put into our relationship and thought that I must have had nothing better to do.
What concerns me is why it bothered you so much. Why did all the love, attention, and praise bother you that much?
On the other hand, whenever I left you alone, out of the fear that I was overbearing, you accused me of not loving you anymore.
You showed up on my doorstep crying and told me that I was ignoring you, even though I had done exactly what you told me to.
At what point I started to realize that our relationship was toxic, I really wouldn’t know.
The idea came to me in pieces and I denied it until the very last moment.
My faith was always in God and I really tried to tell myself that you had a purpose in my life. You were either the love of my life or a lesson.
I didn’t want to believe in the second option. It scared me to say the least.
The strongest feeling you awoke in me was anxiety, but I thought it was just butterflies. I mistook the warning signs for road maps to a happier life.
The entire relationship drained me and it made me feel weak. It made me feel like I was losing control over my life and you were taking over.
You can imagine the devastation I felt when you told me, “We should see other people,” and that it was too much for you to handle.
Now that I look back on it, what exactly was so hard for you to do? I asked for the bare minimum and I gave you everything in return.
I choked on tears for days before it finally hit me; sometimes the blessing isn’t what God gives, but what he takes away.
From the very beginning, I put my faith in God.
Why had I forgotten that He was the one who had brought you into my life?
Why had I thought at any point that you would stay if your place wasn’t next to me?
I realized my blessing after you left. I realized that God had put you into my life to learn how to love myself and to raise my own standards high.
I just wish that I had figured that out earlier. God took you away and even though it made me cry, I know that it truly was the best for me.