Nothing beats that feeling of utter peace, clarity, and comfort when you’re sitting alone in your room, wiping your own tears, putting your own heart back together, and thinking “That’s it, I’m done.” Nothing can ever be more important than your own happiness, at least never again. “Please leave.”
That’s what I’m telling myself as I’m trying to be strong and reason with myself why I deserve something better than this. That’s what I’m telling myself as I’m trying to be the bigger person, the strong, independent woman, or whatever the Cosmopolitans and Seventeens of the world are telling me to be.
I’m done fighting for a man who wouldn’t take a moment out of his day to fight for me. I’m done waiting for a man who wouldn’t waste five minutes out of his day to wait for me. A man who would go chasing after another woman the moment I uttered “I can’t do this anymore.”
And, I’m done sticking around for a man who makes me feel like a failure for letting my guard down and letting the feeling of love overtake me more than ever before.
When did the situation get so out of hand!? How can I be the only one who’s fallen so deeply in love when you were the one who chased after me!? How can I be the only one that’s hurting at the thought of never seeing your face pressed against mine when you were the one who couldn’t spend a minute apart!?
Yes, we were happy. We were the kind of happy that made other people question their own happiness. The kind that made you laugh in the middle of a kiss because “How can I not laugh when you’re here, and you’re kissing me, and you’re loving every moment you’re spending with me!?”
And yes, we were the kind of happy that made you drive to our Starbucks in the middle of the night because “This is the kind of crazy you can expect from a man that’s head over heels in love with you!”
But our Starbucks closed down, we stopped giggling mid-kiss, and we stopped being happy. We stopped being the people we once were. And as much as it’s killing me to utter these words, we stopped being the right people for each other. So please leave.
We could make things work, of that I’m sure. On the off-chance you still have feelings for me, we could patch things up. We could make an effort to make each other feel the way we felt before and make each other a priority. God, we could stop being so messy with our feeling and emotions.
But, we wouldn’t be us without the beautiful mess, would we? We wouldn’t be able to forgive each other for what we went through. Well, maybe we’d be able to forgive, but we’d never be able to forget. We’d need more time to deal with our demons – I know I would.
Let’s be honest, we weren’t ready for each other. We weren’t ready for the fights, apprehensions, deep-seated insecurities, and lonely nights waiting for the other person to say “I’m sorry.” We weren’t ready for love, and it makes me furious that you fooled me into thinking you were.
Sure, we could try to make things work. But, this lingering feeling of uncertainty and irrevocable despair is telling me that’s not something you’d want. You’d lead us straight back into an endless cycle of miscommunication, held-back emotions, and unspoken words.
You’d leave us struggling with a cluster of unsettled disputes and unresolved questions: “Do you love me? What happened to us? What changed?” You’d leave us trying to understand the predicament we’ve gotten ourselves into.
Hoping the breadcrumbs we left along the way would help us find our way back to each other. Praying we would find a way to untie the knots we tied because we didn’t know how to open up to each other. Begging we would find a way to just make things work.
But holding onto you has brought me nothing but tears, heartbreak, and a wish to be strong enough to look for love somewhere other than in your eyes. To be strong enough to understand that our failure doesn’t make me the reason we failed. So please leave.
You don’t feel the same way about me anymore. You’re not even trying to wiggle your way out of this one – you know you’re the one who’s been holding us back. You’re the one who can’t seem to let go of the past, can’t seem to change, and can’t seem to grow up.
You wanted me to be there for you while you’re trying to do the whole “caterpillar turns into butterfly” thing. But, who’s to say you weren’t trying to have me hold your hand while you were changing for someone else? In hindsight, it sure seemed like you were planning on leaving me anyway.
You know, you don’t have to hold my hand through the pain. You don’t have to give me the whole “It’s not you, it’s me…” speech. You don’t even have to try to make me understand why “It’s not working anymore.” Why you don’t feel the same way about me, and why you’re not sure.
Just leave. Please just leave. And don’t worry, those rose-colored glasses are no longer distorting my vision. We weren’t meant to be together. We weren’t each other’s missing puzzle pieces. God, we weren’t each other’s anything. Why!?
Because you wouldn’t be here, standing in front of me and looking straight into my eyes, telling me you’re not sure. You need more time to figure things out. You need to take things slow and see where it leads us – where it leads you.
Please leave if you’re not sure about me and make space for the love of my life. Let me put the pieces back together, mend my broken heart, and rebuild my life. Let me fall in love with myself, with my own heart and my own soul. And let me open myself up to someone who feels that way about me, too.