“My husband is not affectionate or romantic.” When you say that, what do mean, precisely? What is romance to you?
Does your brain instantly jump to red roses, candles, and running through a crowded airport to confess your undying love?
Maybe you think about a beautifully sad love song and a blanket on the sand near the water… Then you snap out of it and realize your husband is not the affectionate or romantic type.
Romance in marriage isn’t the same as romance in chick flicks. It can be, yes, but guys often don’t really get that part unless they have serious intentions.
Another thing is that just about anything could be romantic to you.
Maybe you just want your man to kiss you before going to work and tell you about his day. Perhaps you would think it’s romantic if he’d cook you something and do the dishes.
In a way, different things are romantic. Being affectionate does mean being thoughtful and making you feel special.
This has to come naturally to a man though. Otherwise, they’re just faking it to make us feel better.
When my husband is not affectionate or romantic, he simply does what is a part of his character. He shows me romance and affection unlike what I imagined existed.
I’m very lucky because he shows me care and deeply loves me. Some men are just not that type, and even some women aren’t.
During courting and dating, men and women play games. In a marriage, you become your real self.
Often, that kind of kills the romanticized notion of love. You can still be soft-hearted, appreciative, and caring people if you’re that type of person.
Still, you got a lot closer and started seeing each other for more than you imagine each other to be.
In marriage, you realized that you promised to grow old together.
After such a long time together, there are fewer secrets and mysteries. There are no games, just pure love if you’re with the one.
Pure love is the fireplace that keeps you warm, not a match that you throw on gasoline.
“My husband is not affectionate or romantic because he doesn’t write poetry for me”?
Maybe he’s being romantic by calling you beautiful when you know you look your worst.
Perhaps he’s really so affectionate that he’s being honest with you.
Men aren’t always so great at communicating their feelings and expressing themselves.
You can clearly see when a man wants to make you happy though – when he plans to stay by your side forever.
In sickness and in health, till death do you apart.
Maybe he used to try to impress you with fancy restaurants and roses. It wasn’t something he did because he liked it, though.
He wanted you to be happy and maybe he still does… even if you sometimes think your husband isn’t affectionate or romantic.
People often take off their masks and really act natural only when they get married.
What is your husband’s nature? He might not be an affectionate type of man.
You can explain to him the way you would love to see his affection.
Instead of thinking “My husband is not affectionate or romantic,” you could tell him “Honey, could you always kiss me when we see each other?”
Even a simple kiss on the cheek could be more romantic than a bouquet of roses.
You might be thinking that he isn’t interested in you anymore or that he doesn’t meet your needs.
Maybe you even think that he doesn’t love you enough to be romantic or show affection.
This probably isn’t even the case. Perhaps he just isn’t the type of person who knows how to impress you with flowers.
He’ll impress you in his way if he cares, and you need to appreciate that.
An affectionate husband may be a peace-loving person who is responsible and dutiful. When you need him, is he always there for you?
Does he try to make your life easier? If that’s not affectionate and romantic, nothing is.
Some men aren’t the touchy-feely kind. They don’t enjoy hugs and cuddles. When you’re not feeling well, though, they’ll try to make you feel better.
A lack of affection can cause a marriage to fall apart, but it doesn’t have to. It really depends on how your man treats you.
Don’t expect him to rock your world how you’d imagine, but let him show you his way of love. If his actions show that he cares deeply for you, he’s a keeper.
Occasionally, you’ll get flowers, but this is someone who’s not going anywhere.
When you get married, you’re not lovers anymore. You are a family. This by itself changes things.
What should I do when my husband is not affectionate or romantic?
The truth is, we often think romance and affection are things we just imagine in our head – things that players use to make us fall in love and then take advantage of us.
Men are rarely naturally romantic and affectionate. They do it to impress us.
Your husband doesn’t open the door for you? You could ask him to do that because he might not have been raised to think about it.
He may just want more affection and romance from you too! But how can you be the one who is romantic and what does it mean to him?
After all, he doesn’t dream about beautiful clothes and lavish gifts.
My husband made me a flower from metal. To be honest, I’m not the type of woman who’s really into flowers, but this one means something.
I will have it forever, and he didn’t whisper that in my ear. He just handed me what he made and it’s the most romantic thing ever.
Your husband might be trying to introduce you to his point of view on romance. What can you do for him?
1. Accept him for who he really is
Romance and romanticizing go hand in hand. Women are often in love with something fictional.
When we fall for someone, we often fall for who we imagine them to be. We created an image of them in our minds and it’s not who they truly are.
To really know each other, you have to be committed to each other and live together.
This happens in marriage and there’s no more playing with hearts.
You’ve given your hearts to each other.
Maybe your husband is a patient person who always listens to you and remembers the things you say.
You know about boyfriend material and husband material, but have you noticed father material?
If the two of you want to have kids, you don’t need flowers. You need someone who’ll be willing to change the diapers.
2. Appreciate him the way he is
Maybe he doesn’t give you a lot of presents, take you on dates, and cover the bed with rose petals.
Perhaps he invested in your education instead and it helped you get a promotion!
He is the right man for you if he stands by you and supports you. Will you appreciate him less if he’s not into holding hands and snuggling?
He might be your rock and you don’t even notice it.
3. Don’t talk to him too much about it
Yes, of course you can tell him that it would be great if he would send you good morning messages.
Don’t pester and nag him about not being romantic or affectionate though.
If it’s just not who he is, let him be himself around you. Isn’t that what’s truly romantic?
Have you ever considered that he doesn’t see your affectionate and romantic side?
It might mean something different to him than it does to you.
Try to be the best version of yourself and do your best to make him happy. If he’s doing the same for you, that’s true love.
4. Keep social media out of your love life
You might see some husbands and wives send kisses to each other and write cute comments. Maybe they even have a shared social media profile.
Is that romance and affection? For them, it might be, but your husband might not want to be like that.
Do you want him to be? Think about it.
Your social media profile is your little private space, no matter how public it actually is.
He can see everything, but he doesn’t have to react – you can just talk about it.
5. Accept his way of romance and show him yours
If your husband makes sure that the fridge is full, that there’s fuel in your car, and you get your medicine when you feel sick… he’s romantic.
This is not the romance you expected because of all those romantic stories we all love.
Who’s stopping you from taking the lead when it comes to romance?
Suggest that you go to some romantic place and show him a beautiful dress you want to wear.
You can light the candles and simply put your man in a romantic situation.
6. Teach him to celebrate special occasions
We go nuts when our man forgets our birthday or doesn’t give us a thoughtful gift.
It never even crosses our mind that to him special dates aren’t special.
How does he celebrate his own birthday?
Yes, your husband may realize how important these dates are to you… but you have to teach him.
Get him used to celebrating them, don’t just cry when he doesn’t.
7. Show him respect
I can’t emphasize this enough. Respect is very important in a marriage, especially to a man.
Don’t question his judgment, don’t complain all the time, and don’t roll your eyes.
No sighing, rude comments, accusations, interrogation, and “constructive” criticism.
Yes, sometimes, you have to do these things, but don’t make a habit of doing them often. Ideally, avoid them as much as possible.
He needs to know that you see him as an irresistibly handsome, attractive, and lovable man.
Show him affection through respect and he’ll show you romance.
8. Don’t compare him to others
This is something no one likes. If you’re telling your husband that your friend’s husband buys her flowers, you sure won’t get flowers.
Instead, you will get a man who feels unloved and disrespected.
Don’t talk to him about what other men do. Men hate being compared to others even more than we do.
Go on a romantic weekend getaway trip and enjoy some time together. Suggest it to him and he’ll think of it himself some other time!
9. Know that he doesn’t express himself the same way you do
Some people just don’t like public displays of affection. Honestly, even I’m not a big fan of it myself.
You have to understand your man if he’s not the type of person who likes holding hands.
Instead of thinking your husband isn’t affectionate or romantic, accept him the way he is.
There’s nothing wrong with PDA, some people simply don’t like it.
Don’t force him if he doesn’t feel comfortable with showing affection the same way you do.
10. Don’t make a big fuss about his mistakes
Maybe he made a huge mistake that almost got him fired. Instead of freaking out about the possibility of losing income, shrug your shoulders.
Say something like, “Oh well, it’s just money anyway,” and talk about something else.
When people do something wrong, they’re already feeling guilty about it. If you criticize them, you’ll only succeed in making them feel even worse.
The point is that the mistake can’t be undone. Try to play it cool and stay casual.
11. Let him talk and don’t criticize
We always talk about how we want to be listened to, but do you listen to your husband? How many questions about him can you answer?
Do you know a lot about him and how his day went… or were you somewhere else while he was talking to you?
That’s not fair, and you could at least nod sometimes. Say “oh,” “huh,” or “mmm” sometimes – but mean it.
Give him a sign that you’re really listening and care about what he has to say.
Avoid advising, teaching, suggesting, correcting, and freaking out. He will show you more affection because of it.
12. Realize that opposites attract
Maybe you like Hugh Grant and he likes Hugh Laurie. It doesn’t really matter.
You can enjoy the same things as long as you learn from each other.
If he’s willing to watch a chick flick with you, he’s at least trying to be romantic. It’s not his bag, but he understands how much it means to you.
When a man just wants you to be happy, everything’s okay though.
If he wants to watch sports while you watch a chick flick, that’s okay too.
You are sharing a life together, but you don’t have to share everything. Sharing everything can be a very good thing, but it often kills the romance.
13. Think about whether the romance you expect would make you happy
Yes, we imagine a man coming home from work in a suit with a beautiful bouquet… When that actually happens though, it’s not that special.
It’s much more special when he helps your kids with their homework. Or if you don’t have kids, he might be taking on some housework.
These things are the true romance in a relationship. What we often expect instead is mostly a part of fictional stories.
My husband thinks he does nothing wrong when he doesn’t serenade me while playing the piano.
He doesn’t, and that’s just something I can’t expect to actually happen.
Life is not a movie, and your husband is not an actor. Even if he was, you wouldn’t want him to act at home anyway, right?
14. Whatever you do, don’t nag
Men put less effort into keeping the spark alive when they get married… But do you know that women do too?
We often start nagging and it drives men crazy. If you’re a control freak on top of that, your husband is in no mood for romance.
Do you decide how much time he can spend with his buddies? Are you the one who chooses his clothes?
Do you tell him what to say to his boss? Did you make a diet plan for him that he never said he wanted to try?
Don’t expect romance after doing these things.
I know that you didn’t mean anything bad by it all, but this is bad.
He might think that you’re not the romantic one and the one who’s not so thoughtful.
When your husband ignores you, it might be because you nagged him too much.
15. Have fun and enjoy life
A sense of humor is not just something women like in men. Guys like girls who enjoy letting loose sometimes.
When was the last time you laughed together? This is not something he’s in charge of.
You need to do fun things and turn the drama into comedy.
Don’t you want to have a good time too? Then make that a priority!
Be fun to be around with and everyone will love you more. Joke around and simply be cheerful.
It’s not so simple, is it? Well, it’s a state of mind you just have to practice being in.
Look on the bright side of life even when you’re in the dark. Let the sunshine in.
Don’t make a big deal when he spills wine on the couch. Laugh it off. Try taking the stain off with white wine.
Eat in bed and dance to your favorite tunes. Bring some comedy into your marriage and, trust me, it will be more romantic.
People often forget about fun when they think of romance. Why so serious?
Yes, you’re adults but it doesn’t mean that you have to stop being playful. Have fun together and come up with great punch lines.
You want your man to act like some sort of a gentleman? Why don’t you act like some sort of a comedian?
I know it’s not that easy when routine gets in the way, but just try to smile more often. Show yourself some affection.
Don’t be afraid of making a fool out of yourself. Guys do that to impress girls!
Dance the Macarena the next time you’re in the grocery store. Why? Just because you can and it’s funny, and you don’t care what other people think.
Your man will laugh, and that’s what matters.
16. Have a life outside of marriage
You are allowed to have your own life even when you’re married. I know you know that, but do you focus on anything other than your love life?
Go out with your friends, pick up a hobby, grab a movie. Create your own world that is only yours.
Learn more about how to make a man feel loved and respected. He’ll give you what you need too.
If you want your husband to be more affectionate and romantic, you have to be too.
Men rarely get the chance to talk about what they consider to be romantic.
It’s like romance is reserved for women. That’s not true.
Who knows, maybe your husband would write poetry if he didn’t think that it’s girly.
Help your man find his idea of romance – it might even match yours!
I don’t know about you, but I think that men have been suppressing their emotions for long enough.
It’s time to show them that it’s safe to open up and express what’s in their heart.
We want our husbands to be more affectionate and romantic, but we confuse them by wanting a man who’s sensitive and tough at the same time.
Accept his tough side, respect it, and show him that the sensitive one is attractive too.
Maybe he wanted to cry when the guy managed to catch the girl at the airport right before liftoff. He might just think that it’s not manly to do it.
Guys, forgive us for wanting too much from you. We like roses and we like thorns too.
Would you take off the thorns for us and let us touch the soft petals? Thank you in the name of all the women in the world.