This was never what I wanted. I never wanted to fall in love with your smile and your silly sense of humor. I never wanted to yearn for your fingers tracing up my spine. I never wanted to be stuck on seeing you in every face that crosses my way. I did not want you to affect my life in such measure, to be so deeply imprinted in everything that mattered to me.
I never wanted any of this. I never agreed to this heartbreak you put me through. I never asked to feel the way you made me feel. I would have never agreed to it from a person who had no intention of staying by my side.
The only person I wanted that from was the person who would never abandon me. The person who would hold onto me tightly. But now I do not know where to find it anymore. I do not know who could possibly provide me with feelings as amazing as those, when I cannot figure out how to stop comparing every single one of them to you.
I cannot figure out how to stop every relationship I enter from crumbling to dust. From turning to failure because you never seem to leave my mind. The second I dare to believe I have gotten over you, that I have moved on, you reappear and take over me.
I need you to release me. I need you to show me how to let you go, because my heart won’t let you go. Show me how to move on from being stuck at the same place where you left me stranded. How to banish memories of you, to make them stop plaguing my mind and my life. How to evict you from my heart where you have been living on my expense for far too long.
Tell me how to stop being consumed with questions. With particular ones, like why wasn’t I the only person that mattered to you? Why didn’t you see me the same way I saw you? Why wasn’t I everything for you, the way you were my everything? Why wasn’t I enough?
I am so exhausted by all of it. By people wondering why it did not function. By myself wondering why it did not, when we were perfect together. By hearing everyone reassuring me that you will be back. That we were too good together to not find each other again. That we were together for far too long to just go our separate ways and not want to go back.
I am so exhausted by all of it and I hate that hearing them talk about you eases the pain. I hate that it makes me happy hearing that everyone believes we were meant to be. I hate the fact that seeing you still makes my stomach explode with excitement. I hate that I still obsess with how I look when you are coming my way because I want you to see me and be blown away. I still want you to look at me and wish I was yours. I hate that I still want you to feel when you see me.
I hate the feelings and thoughts I have about myself after that. The shame and anger at myself for still holding on. For not knowing how to loosen the grip. I hate that it makes me think it means that I could not get over you by now. I hate this confusion you cause me.
I was supposed to be at peace by now, with things turning out the way they did. With us falling apart and with you wanting to leave. With the fact that you will not miraculously open your eyes one morning and see what a terrible mistake you have made.
Instead, I am coming to terms with the fact that you will never leave my thoughts. With the fact that I’ll never stop wishing for you. I will never stop craving for you. I will never stop feeling overly joyous when they tell me we were meant to be together.
Instead, I am coming to terms with knowing that, even after all the bad you’ve done to me, I will never get over the fact that my happiest days, too, were with you. Even if you never come back to look for me, if you never try to make it up to me for all the hurt you’ve caused, my heart will still be holding on to you.