I tried to hold onto you. I tried with all my power to keep you close, but you were slipping through my hands, and before I knew it… You were gone.
There was nothing in this world that could’ve prepared me for the moment when you closed the door and I was left standing on my own. The shock wasn’t going anywhere, it was stuck in my throat to the point where I couldn’t breathe anymore.
For a moment it felt like a fever dream. As if I made you up in my mind to keep me company on those dark nights when nothing felt right but you.
You can imagine the chaos when I understood that love wasn’t enough to make you stay. However, it didn’t keep me from going back to you every night before I fell asleep.
I would remember you and I would call those memories to my own salvation just to preserve a small piece of my heart. You were real, now I know that you were, and I realize that I thought you were permanent in my life just because my heart wouldn’t let go of you.
That was a foolish thing to think.
I was breakable and miserable. Without you, I felt like I was losing my mind because nothing made sense anymore! You said that you didn’t want me anymore, that you didn’t love me anymore, that you couldn’t stay with me.
It took me ages to understand why you left and I still don’t know if I have the right answer. I guess you were always meant to leave, but you still felt right.
You felt like the first rays of sunshine in spring when life feels a little bit easier. Your touch felt like a warm breeze that left goosebumps in its wake.
You felt right. It was so natural to come home to you and to see your smiling face welcome me. It was so easy to fall into your arms and to love you all night long.
Would you believe me if I told you that sometimes I would confuse your touch for a long-forgotten home? I never even knew that home could be within the arms of another person until you fell into my path.
That’s why it felt so disheartening to wake up one morning and the sunlight didn’t have the same effect on my body. Whenever I would walk down the street without your hand in mine I would just close my eyes to call upon the feeling of it, because your absence hurt so much.
I didn’t want to lose you. I didn’t want to fall asleep in a cold and empty bed when I knew that my body fit perfectly next to yours. Life had a cruel way of giving me perfection and then choosing to send me on my mary way by myself.
I spent so much time trying to understand you. There wasn’t a day when I didn’t think about your words, I would replay them in my head, and I would try to sort through them.
Did I hear you say that you were never coming back? Could I have forgotten the moment when you told me that we could try again?
You can imagine the tears that kept on stealing the breath from my lungs when I understood that you weren’t coming back. You’re not going to be a part of my life, even though you felt like you were going to stay forever.
I just wish I knew this before. It’s stupid to be stuck in the past where you can’t change anything – it is what it is. Unchangeable. But I like to believe that I could’ve stopped you from leaving.
I don’t know how. Maybe you would’ve stayed if I begged you to. Maybe you would’ve stayed if I told you just how much I love you. Or just maybe that’s nothing more than wishful thinking.
Either way, you felt right. Maybe you thought about leaving from the very first moment, but it didn’t stop me from falling head over heels for you.
I may have been blinded by love so I didn’t see the signs. You took that moment of ignorance to pack your life and walk away from me.
I can’t even say that I’m mad at you, even though I was furious for a long time. Now I’m just living in this limbo between melancholy and ecstasy.
I’m sad that I don’t have you by my side anymore, that I can’t feel you there. I’m also happy that you exist. It’s a bitter-sweet feeling to wake up and not be able to remember your face anymore.
I mean, I want to heal, but my wounds are in the shape of you. They’re huge and they’re still burning with the memories of you.
Until they’re gone I won’t be able to feel the warm breeze anymore, nor will I be able to enjoy the sunlight like I used to. But I’m not losing hope.
Knowing that your body felt so right next to mine only tells me that I’m capable of loving and being loved. I’ll be able to fall asleep next to someone else one day and that person will help me forget you completely. For now, it’s just me and the memories of you.
If you’re reading this, I’ll take the liberty to ask you for a favor – please be happy! Joy looks beautiful on you. Enjoy the sunlight and be the warm breeze on someone else’s skin.